Seto Kaiba and the Incredible Brain Switching Machine
Warnings: Silliness, shounen-ai (a little Seto/Joey and a lot of one-sided Joey/Cheetos), cursing, awkward situations, and lack of a legit plot
Spoilers: Takes place, uh…sometime. After Battle City at least
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, but I am devising a plot to kidnap Mokuba and have Seto buy me the legal rights in exchange for his brother's life. Hopefully that Yami character won't interfere and send my ass to the shadow realm. I also don't own any brand names mentioned.
Saturday afternoon, Joey realized that he was out of Cheetos.
He stood in the apartment kitchenette clad only in green boxers and an old baseball jersey staring into the empty bag. The cheesy junk food was his traditional weekend afternoon breakfast and now his laboriously planned agenda had been thrown off because someone who probably had brunet hair sticking up in a point and a perverted crush on Joey's innocent baby sister had emptied the bag into his no-good punk-ass mouth the night before. Joey stood there and reconfigured his schedule, (making sure to pencil a swift butt-kicking for Tristan on Monday morning.) Getting dressed and going to the convenience store would severely cut into his playing Xbox and watching the Avatar marathon time. But something deep inside of him told Joey that he needed sustenance. The absolute authority of Joey's stomach told him to go buy some Goddamn Cheetos.
It took twenty minutes on the bus for Joey to arrive near the closest store that sold the real deal and not those pathetic Cheetos knockoffs. Joey knew there was no substitute for his favorite breakfast food. As he walked down the sidewalk he flashed a smile at the Turtle Game Shop on the other side of the street. Yugi had told him that he and his Grandpa were going out for the day to look at some new exhibitions at the museums around Domino. Bleh, thought Joey, he'd rather die then get dragged around to look at some dusty old pots, but he suspected it was mostly for Yami's benefit. He was into that history stuff. Suddenly Joey noticed a figure in front of the shop, it was somewhat obscured by some trees. The figure moved slightly and Joey saw that it was wearing a sleeveless white trench coat.
Wait. He knew only one person who had an inflated enough ego to wear a tacky sleeveless white trench coat. Joey ran across the street, completely ignorant of traffic conditions. But much like in dueling, in life Joey relied on luck and he reached the other side unharmed. Still jaywalking was not to be encouraged.
"Heyya, Kaiba!" Joey shouted, the looming CEO spun around to face him. Joey was immediately startled by something: Kaiba looked confused. As far as Joey was concerned the guy only had three expressions; snarky, evil, or blank. Sometimes he smiled when his little brother was around, but it was so rare that Joey didn't count it. Kaiba was definitely never confused, he was the most confident and arrogant bastard the blond duelist knew.
"Oh, hey, Joey. Do you know if Yugi's home?" he asked, almost sounding shy. Joey's eyes were as big as saucers; there were so many things wrong with Kaiba's last statement he didn't know where to begin. His brain upon refusing to comprehend the irregularities, forced the blond to answer the inquiry.
"No, he's out for da day, shop's closed," he said mechanically.
Kaiba put his hands on his hips and looked down, "Oh, I see. I guess he won't be back any time soon," Kaiba lifted his head to study Joey who was doing an excellent impression of a deer in truck headlights, "I came to get Yugi, but I guess since you're here and I'm in a hurry it would be okay if you came instead."
The only conclusion Joey's racing mind could reach was that Kaiba was putting on an act. It was probably a strange attempt to trick Joey and Yugi into playing in a new Duel Monsters tournament. With that decided Joey snapped out of his state of shock and furrowed his brows at Kaiba, "What are ya playin' at, Moneybags? I ain't goin' anywhere wit you, ya bastard."
Kaiba looked a bit more confused, "Are you always this mean to Seto?"
"What, you talkin' in third person now? Using the royal, 'we' and whatnot? Who died and made you the Queen of England?"
"I guess that answers my question. I'm not Seto, Joey. It's me, Mokuba."
"Don't play games wit me, pal."
"No really!" Kaiba pleaded, "Seto's at home and I came here to get Yugi, but he's not here so I was wondering if you would come instead. You see we kind of, um, switched bodies."
Joey just stared. Then he stared some more, "Th-this," he finally spoke shakily, "this has to be some k-kinda prank."
Kaiba scratched the back of his head sheepishly, "Gee, Joey, I really don't know what I can say to convince you I'm me, I mean Mokuba."
"I dunno, you are actin' out a' character," Joey said cautiously, still a bit doubtful about the whole situation, "maybe you could try to call me a dog or insult my duelin' ability or somethin'."
The alleged Kaiba frowned, "Why would I do that? I think you're a good duelist."
"Mokuba! How did this happen, it wasn't some freaky shadow magic, was it?" Joey exclaimed, instantly convinced. Kaiba would don a pink tutu and escort Pegasus to The Nutcracker before complimenting Joey's card skills, even if he was play acting.
Kaiba, or more accurately Mokuba, smiled in relief, "Finally! No, it's got nothing to do with magic. You see my brother was…you know maybe we should talk about this in the limo, it's parked just down the block around the corner."
As soon as the door shut behind Joey, Mokuba began frantically explaining the situation to him, "You know, Seto likes to take out stress sometimes by fiddling with prototypes in his study. And he's been working on this big machine lately, I caught a glimpse of it yesterday when he went in there, I'm not allowed in Seto's study," Mokuba hunched his shoulders forward and darted his eyes, looking incredibly guilty, "but he was in there all night so this morning I hacked into the locking mechanism and snuck in. And I hid once I got in and I saw my big brother looking kind of deranged and pushing all these buttons and levers and then there was this electrical charge from the equipment and I was only trying to help, but I ran over to warn Seto then I felt like really weird. Like when I got the wind knocked out of me, that's what it felt like. Next thing I know, I'm in Seto's body! He was so pissed at me and he got even angrier when he saw the machine was broken. So I ran out and said I'd get Yugi because I figured that maybe since he knows about magic stuff he could help us, but you know Seto doesn't believe in that stuff."
That was a lot to take in. Joey's mind was filled to the brim with the overloaded exposition. Perhaps there could have been a simpler and subtler way to convey all that necessary information, but Mokuba was after all only in Junior High and had little sophistication in giving exposition.
Joey decided to start at the beginning, a very good place to start, "But…I don't know how I can help."
"Well, you've helped out me and my brother before. I know I can trust you! Besides Seto might need someone to help him with the machine since it malfunctioned and all. He's probably going to be super pissed at me for a while, so yeah. You can help him instead!"
"Whaaa?" Joey said intelligently. Even when Kaiba needed his help, he certainly never asked for it and often resented Joey instead of being grateful. At that moment however, Joey realized something; if Mokuba was in Kaiba's body then Kaiba had to be in the squirt's body. The blond teen had to fight a snicker, no offense to the kid, but Mokuba was pretty scrawny and uh, vertically challenged compared to his brother.
Mokuba continued to look guilty and while trying to hide it, he was also visibly upset. Joey felt for him, "So Mokuba, what's it like bein' ya bro?"
He perked up a little, "I dunno, it's nice I guess. I can reach really high things now without asking anyone. I have stubble, too! Look!" He bent forward excitedly and pointed at his face. Joey leaned in and laughed as he examined the, albeit faint, five o'clock shadow forming on his jaw.
"Haha, there you go, guess ya brother forgot to shave…" suddenly Joey felt a little awkward being so close to Kaiba's--or, well, Mokuba's face and pulled back with a slight blush.
Mokuba didn't appear to notice his reaction, "This coat is a little uncomfortable though, and I had to take off the arm belts on the way to the shop," he gestured to a small pile on the corner seat, "I can't figure out how to get the metal cuffs off. They're kinda heavy and I think they're digging into my skin a little. Plus the shirt is a lot tighter than I'm used to. Otherwise it's not so bad. But all in all, I'd rather be me. You are going to help us, aren't you, Joey?"
"Well, I…" Mokuba was know for giving killer puppy eyes, but Mokuba giving Joey puppy eyes in Seto Kaiba's body was more bizarre than adorable. It was by far the most unsettling thing Joey had seen Kaiba's face do. And that guy had given some pretty nasty glares and smirks in his time. Had it been Mokuba's face, Joey would have caved in with an "awww, sure thing, kid," but with Kaiba's face, Joey just wanted to appease Mokuba so he would stop doing it and freaking him the hell out, "Yeah, totally, ya got it. Now stop lookin' at me like that! Give me the willies…"
Mokuba beamed and told Joey they'd be at the mansion soon. Joey hadn't even noticed that the vehicle was moving. He tried to keep up a casual conversation with Mokuba, but his thoughts kept drifting from wondering what the Kaiba mansion looked like to how the metal cuffs came on and off to why Kaiba would make a machine to swap people's bodies. Maybe he had finally snapped, all the work had to be bad for a person's health. Stress can do that. Make people go crazy and invent contraptions that change out people's brains. 'Sure,' Joey thought, 'that makes perfect sense.'
Joey gazed up at the neoclassical façade of the Kaiba mansion. Not that he knew what a façade was or had any insight into neoclassical architecture, but nevertheless he was gawking at the really expensive looking house. Mokuba snapped him out of his reverie and told Joey to follow him inside. Fortunately, Joey remembered his manners and gawked at the interior of the house as well. Polished marble halls, antique furniture, big and pricey looking paintings of classy things like majestic mountains and running stallions. Joey kept stopping to gape at things so eventually Mokuba had to drag him along by his shirt sleeve to get him to the study before dinnertime.
They reached a heavy looking cherry oak door. Mokuba let go of Joey's sleeve and timidly gave a knock. There was no answer so he pushed the door and it opened. He gestured for Joey to follow after him and they cautiously stepped into the dragon's lair. It was probably a large room; most of it wasn't lit save a small area against the far wall. There was a huge silver machine that resembled something from an old horror movie. It had various levers, Tesla coils, antennae, and a computer screen. The contraption was making troublesome clicking and whirring noises and occasionally a spark would shoot out from the coils.
Suddenly a suspiciously Mokuba-shaped form stepped out from behind the machine. Mokuba's body stormed forward and stopped several feet in front of Joey and the real Mokuba, in mind anyway. Mokuba's body crossed his arms and glared at the pair in an attempt to look menacing, but only succeeded in Joey wanting to coo and pinch his cheeks.
"What is he doing here?" he spat. Joey lost his fuzzy, maternal feelings and glared back.
The Mokuba beside Joey shifted nervously, "I'm sorry, Seto, I thought Joey could help you and get us back to normal. And did I mention I'm sorry?"
Kaiba, in Mokuba's body, gave Joey another glare before focusing on his brother, "This isn't your fault, Mokuba. But I doubt Wheeler would be able to do anything beyond screw things up worse than they already are."
"Hey you little punk!" Kaiba noticeably bristled at his size being brought up, "I came here to lend a hand and dis is the thanks I get?"
Kaiba huffed and looked off to the side with a smirk, "I don't need your help. Unless you want to help me by getting out of my sight. You can leave too, Mokuba, I need some space to concentrate on fixing this problem," he headed back towards the machine, but delivered a pardoning shot, "Make sure the mutt doesn't steal anything on his way out."
Joey raised his fist in a threatening gesture, "You bastard! If ya wasn't in Mokuba's body I'd knock ya lights out!"
"Come on, Joey. I think Seto wants to be left alone for a little bit," he whispered into Joey's ear, "we can come back in a while when he's cooled down."
Mokuba's proximity in Kaiba's body made Joey feel a tad tense, but he quickly shook off the sensation and marched out of the study. Out in the hall Mokuba felt the need to apologize for his brother's behavior. Joey told him it wasn't necessary, he was used to it. Mokuba still wanted Joey to stick around just in case Kaiba really did need some assistance. Joey wasn't about to protest as he may have been completely irritated by the businessman, but he loved his digs. His stomach growled and reminded Joey of his earlier quest. Mokuba laughed and told Joey he'd get a servant to fetch them some snacks. Even though Joey knew it was Mokuba in there, it was like hearing Kaiba laugh in a non-maniacal manner. Strange; pleasant, but strange.
"I guess I should give you the tour, huh? Would you like to see my room? Maybe the game room? It's really cool!" Mokuba was eager and almost bouncing up and down.
Joey figured that Mokuba probably didn't get many opportunities to show off his home. He agreed following after Mokuba and tried not to get too distracted with thoughts of how awesome it would be to slide down the huge stair banisters. Mokuba's room was rather messy with lots of electronic gadgets strewn about; he had some Duel Monsters and promotional Kaiba Corp. posters up on the walls. There were also a few news articles taped up, they were mostly concerning his family's company or Kaiba's accomplishments. He was pleasantly surprised to see an article about the winners of Battle City which had a great picture of Joey with Yugi and the others. Joey had that same clip on his fridge. Mokuba was rambling on about his various possessions with Joey interjecting, "That's cool," every now and again.
They moved on to several other rooms, Joey's envy increasing each time. Mokuba was a bit smug about it, but Joey reminded himself amusingly that the tyke was a Kaiba after all whether or not he was possessing his brother's form. As they were strolling down the second-floor hallway, Joey zeroed in on one particular door. He halted and Mokuba turned around to send him a puzzled look. Joey pointed at the door questioningly. Mokuba shook his head vigorously. The blond teen understood instantly and assumed a mischievous grin. Before his tour guide could protest, Joey strode over to the door and opened it.
Mokuba was completely panicked, "Joey! Seto will kill me!"
Joey ignored Mokuba's plea for his life and took in the room. There was a large bed, a matching chair and desk with only a photo frame atop it, a couple full bookcases, and a huge piece of artwork of a Blue Eyes White Dragon. Whereas Mokuba's room felt lived in and warm, this room was clinically clean and cold, Joey figured it was probably safe to perform surgery in there.
"His bed is gi-normous," he smiled at the teen—er, really a preteen, next to him, "in fact it's the perfect size if two people wanted ta use it as say a trampoline."
Mokuba's eyes widened, intrigued by the idea, but horrified by the consequences.
The butler almost had a heart-attack when he entered Master Kaiba's private chambers and saw said master and a friend wildly jumping on his bed, giggling madly.
"M-master Kaiba," the butler clutched at his chest until the feeling of tightness passed, "I brought the snacks you requested."
"Gee, thanks Mario! You look awful, why don't you go sit down for a while?"
The butler nodded and set down the tray of treats on the desk, "Yes. I think I'll go do that."
Joey hoped off the bed and landed on the floor with a thud and rushed over to the desk, "What a sweet spread, Mokuba!" He immediately began stuffing his craw with everything he could get his hands on. Mokuba joined in.
Several minutes later, the butler had somewhat recovered from his shock and reentered, "Master Kaiba, Master Mokuba has requested that you join him in your study."
"Huh?" Mokuba said through a mouth of Fig Newtons, "Oh, you mean me. I'll be down." With that Mokuba excused himself and Joey continued to eat all the food he could find. In the pile of snacks he saw a telltale orange chip bag. He instantly became excited and grabbed it. Much to his disappointment it was a knock-off brand called Cheesy Puffs, Joey felt like weeping. Sure it was cool to kick around Casa Kaiba and everything, but he remembered why he had even bothered to leave his rundown shack at all today: his love for Cheetos, not some damn generic replacement called Cheesy Puffs. Kaiba was richer than King Solomon and he bought Cheesy Puffs instead of Cheetos, Joey couldn't believe that penny pinching miser! A champion of misdirecting anger, Joey decided he needed to give Kaiba a piece of his mind on the subject and stormed out of the CEO's bedroom and straight to the study.
Joey swung the study door open, Cheesy Puffs bag in hand ready to be waved in the rich boy's face. The Kaiba brothers were standing at the device at the far wall and turned around simultaneously at hearing Joey stomp his way in. The blond opened his mouth when the machine made a loud noise and a huge jolt of electricity shot out of the Tesla coil. There was a flash of light and Joey suddenly felt like he'd been punched in the stomach and then fell to the ground.
To be continued...
A/N: Personally, I blame the Cheesy Puffs for the cliffhanger.
