RWBY Volume One Abridged:

The series starts off with a group of thugs trying to rob Ruby for something, probably money but who cares, it builds dramatic tension. Ruby fights them off and, regardless of whether or not he's actually there, tears Roman a new one.

She goes to Beacon where she bumps into Weiss and pisses her off royally.

As Weiss goes on a rant, Blake steps in and dresses her down both figuratively and literally, Yang popping in to watch with extreme interest before they all go into the forest to search for their soulmates. Ruby and Weiss find each other and Blake and Yang find each other, then they fight Big Bird.

They kill Big Bird, and all of Vale's orphans are treated to a luxurious turkey dinner. At least, that was the plan before Nora opened her mouth and sucked down the dead bird like a vacuum cleaner on steroids before the orphans' sad little eyes.

Weiss goes to Ozpin and says she wants another partner. Ozpin says, "Sorry, but finders keepers applies. Come on Weiss, don't be a bitch."

Weiss replies, "I'll think about it." Weiss makes the Oreimo pose to convey her tsundere-ness.

Team RWBY goes to their room and vote on whether or not they want bunk beds. After she loses, Weiss demands a recount. They build their bunk beds in a montage scene with the music from the A-Team playing in the background. They all find Blake's porn stash and start reading. ("Hey Blake, why do all the girls in these have either white, blonde, or rubylicious hair?" "No reason!")

They all go to class where Weiss volunteers to skewer a boar, Ruby shouting advice from the peanut gallery. ("Weiss! Stab it with the pointy end!")

After class, Weiss goes to Port and says she doesn't like her team. Port says, "Sorry, but you can't trade people like Pokémon. Come on Weiss, don't be a bitch."

Weiss replies, "I'll think about it." Weiss makes the Oreimo pose to convey her tsundere-ness.

They all go to Atlas, or Mistral, or whatever the heck that foreign place is via airship, where they meet Sun, the Faunus thief. Weiss immediately dislikes him. "That guy is probably evil and will join the even eviler White Fang!" she declares.

To which Blake flips her shit and responds: "Oh hell no! You do not get to talk shit about MY people-! I mean, THOSE people… any more than I get to talk shit about YOUR people-! I mean, OUR people! The Faunus are a strong, independent race, and they do not need to take your judgment any more than Yang needs a vasectomy!" ("Why me?!" cries Yang.) Blake finishes her argument with an obnoxious z-snap.

Weiss stares at her deadpan for a moment before she says, "Stop trying to defend a terrorist organization. Come on Blake, don't be a bitch."

Blake replies, "I'll think about it." Blake makes the Oreimo pose to convey her tsundere-ness.

Ruby gets lost and meets Penny, then finds Roman leading some people in another robbery. She tries to GTFO but before she can, Roman shoots her. Penny flips her shit and tears Roman a new one. ("I now have three assholes!" Roman cries before almost dying.)

Blake's in trouble or something and only Weiss can save her. Blake's faith in Weiss is so nonexistent that she is flummoxed when Weiss lends a helping hand. She grabs it, staring deeply into Weiss' eyes, and the two affirm their relationship amidst burning fires of passion…or flammable Dust, who knows. Throughout this scene, suggestive music plays, reminiscent of a cheesy porn flick or the Yugioh Abridged movie. ("You can be my wingwoman any day, Blake." "No Weiss, you can be mine.")

And a lot of other stuff happens, but throughout this pathetic excuse for a RWBY timeline, who really knows when? For example…

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Jaune likes Weiss and asks her out. Weiss says, "Jaune, it is painfully, agonizingly obvious that I'm a lesbian. And I know you know this. Come on Jaune, don't be a bitch."

Jaune replies, "I'm too stupid to think about it." Jaune drools to convey his stupidity.

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Yang approaches Pyrrha with an offer. "Hey Pyrrha! Wanna have a threesome with me and Blake?"

Pyrrha is shocked. Not horrified, just shocked. "But I like Jaune for some reason!"

Yang shrugs. "'Kay. See ya!" Yang runs off to be with Blake.

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Roman meets Adam. Roman says, "I've always wanted to ride a bull…" Adam tears Roman a new one.

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Ozpin considers his furniture, namely his phallus-shaped chair. He asks, "Does it bother anyone that I'm sitting on a massive penis?"

"Does it fit?" asks Glynda.

Ozpin considers. "Yes," he replies, "Yes it does."

.

Yang approaches Pyrrha with an offer. "Hey Pyrrha! Wanna have a foursome with me, Blake, and Weiss?"

Pyrrha is shocked. Not as shocked as last time, but still shocked. "But I like Jaune for some reason!"

Yang shrugs. "'Kay. See ya!" Yang runs off to be with Blake and Weiss.

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Ren and Nora are dating. … No, there's no joke, they're just dating.

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Everyone finds out what an asshole Cardin is, so Ozpin sacrifices him to Cthulhu to appease the dark one's insatiable appetite for the next thousand years. No one misses him, not even his team. Actually, they work better without him, especially now that Team CRDL is being led by the Cthulhu.

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Cinder Fall lives up to her name. Yang lights her on fire and punches her off a building.

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Yang approaches Pyrrha with an offer. "Hey Pyrrha! Wanna have an orgy with me, Blake, Weiss, and Ruby?"

Pyrrha blinks. At this point, this was practically expected. "But…I like Jaune for some reason…"

Yang shrugs. "'Kay. See ya!" Yang runs off to be with Blake, Weiss, and Ruby.

Pyrrha looks at Jaune, drooling in the corner. "Wait Yang!" she shouts, running after her, "Save me from this hell!"

.

Eventually, Weiss gets her own spinoff called "My Little Heiress Can't Be This Cute!"

As soon as her Faunus heritage is uncovered, Blake debuts with "My Little Pussy Can't Be This Cute!"

Both shows do much to bridge the gap between human and Faunus relations, and soon, world peace reigns on Remnant.


AN: I have never seen RWBY before. All my knowledge of what happens comes from other fanfics on this site, and the occasional rant from a friend, so if something seems off, now you know why. :P