How does it feel?!

Content: Harry is having problems but he get´s help

Warning: maybe a little angst

Disclaimer: Neither do I own the fabulous world of Harry Potter, nor the lyrics of the wonderful song I used for this piece of fiction

„How does it feel", you ask me. Having found me lying outside in the snow near the lake, my lips blue from the cold but I do not acknowledge my surroundings. Not the biting wind, the little snowflakes dancing on my skin nor your soft words.

"I don´t know what you´ve been through. I see it on you, I don´t know what you´ve been through. Now how does it feel? How does it feel? How does it feel? Now how does it feel?", you get angry. Shaking my shoulder, you try to get a response to your questions. I think for you it would be enough if I would just open my mouth, but I do not have it in me, it is just too tedious, too hard to move. Like always you are right. You do not know what I have had done to me and I am fairly sure that you don´t really want to know. I hide it. All the bad experiences and nightmares.

"You´ve always been just like a riddle. I find you so hard to figure out. I could just wonder till forever, still there´s something I don´t know about." Well there are reasons why it is difficult for you to understand me. The press publishes lies, Dumbledore tells lies, Snape sees my father in me and your father the foolish Griffindor.

"I don´t know what you´ve been through. I see it on you, I don´t know what you´ve been through. Now how does it feel? How does it feel? How does it feel? Now how does it feel?" All you know, all you see is a shell, I do not let anybody see the real me, I can not let anybody in. you would not understand. Nobody can understand the things I have experienced. The battles with Voldemort, the battles with the Dursleys, the battles with the kids at elementary school, the battles with my body, striking because of malnourishment and too restricted movement. I had to fight them on my own, always alone. I could never trust anybody. If you tell someone a secret all they do is hit you in the back.

"Let me in, it´s now or never. No matter how I try to win it never get´s any better. And now I am sitting here again." Yes. You always win when we fight with magic, but when it comes to words, to me hiding in myself you are loosing. And how could it get better? I mean it is better. You being here gives me strength that I usually do not have. You don´t know that I trust you to come and find me, neither do you know that I stopped hurting myself on purpose. But I did all that, because somehow in my strange mind there is this idea of you saving me. I don´t really want to rely on that image. It is a nice picture that brings me through the nights in Surrey but after all it is just wishful thinking is it not? Nobody could ever love me. Not even you.

"I don´t know what you´ve been through. I see it on you, I don´t know what you´ve been through. Now how does it feel? How does it feel? How does it feel? Now how does it feel? Tell me now, tell me how. I need to know! Tell me now, tell me how. I need to know how it feels. How does it feel? Now how does it feel?" "It hurts.", I whisper and then feeling you take me in your arms, feeling your warm body against mine I know that I am silly and that I should have never doubted that you would save me. Save me like you always do. It is after all the reason I fell in love with you. And with that thought I am encompassed in darkness as my conscious slips away into oblivion.

Lyrics: "How does it feel" by Cinema Bizarre