I wrote a book! My first one ever. I have finished the story, but it is not yet complete. I need your help in getting this whole thing polished up and ready for a final draft. So please, send in reviews!
My, admittedly biased, ideas on what is wrong or could be improved with my writing :
Do I describe the locations in the story in enough detail for someone not familiar with the franchise to 'see' the location?
My writing tends to be clunky. It doesn't flow right. How can I improve this?
Is it easy to understand what's going on in the action sequences?
When discussing tactics and strategy, does it always makes sense?
Regarding dialogue, do I make each character distinct enough?
Am I using too little or too much backstory?
I would greatly appreciate constructive criticism. This could be about small scale things such as word usage and sentence structure all the way up to large scale ideas like themes and narrative structure. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Prologue
"I don't know"
Wisemen weren't supposed to say things like that, but this baffling stranger never acted as he was supposed to. It was clear that he was wise, that he knew a lot. Wasn't he the one who helped them start a new life? Wasn't he the one who showed them a new way to exist? Wasn't he who overthrew the God that was not a God? (Even now the thought sent shivers through Akil's body)
"What do you think? I know you're better at this mechanical stuff than I am."
There it was again! Leaders weren't supposed to defer to you! They were supposed to lead, to take charge! Even if they were wrong, a leader had to confident. And yet, Rashidi was confident - confident in himself, confident in his wife, confident in his friends and in his adopted people. That confidence spread like a plague – no, that was wrong. That was how people used to think. Rashidi's confidence spread like the light of the sun as it rose over the horizon. Rashidi's optimism was infectious, not like a disease but like laughter. But his confidence wasn't like a leader's confidence. No, Rashidi was confident in you, and just the fact that he was confident in you allowed you to be confident in yourself, to allow yourself to become something more than you once were. Akil had been infected by it, and now here he stood, working with Rashidi, becoming a leader in his own right. He was barely sixteen! And yet, and yet, Rashidi did something to you. He inspired you, and that's why Akil, rather than bowing to the man and returning his 'I don't know', stopped and thought about the question.
"I have an idea, but I'm not sure it will work…"
/
"I DON'T KNOW!"
Apophis knew that he couldn't push his victim too far. Too often he had been deceived before he realized that a tortured person will say anything to end the pain, and because of that anything they said was suspect. But he had learned that there was a window when the knowledge given by the recipient of the torture actually was reliable. You had to be careful in choosing who to torture. Usually those who had a thin mask of bravery to hide their cowardice were best. The aura of power exuded by a god, plus a little pain in the present with the threat of greater pain in the future tended to burn away that mask. The information given by that type of person at that stage in the torture was much more reliable than that given in the extremis of agony.
If he was honest with himself, which he tried to be even when lying to others, Apophis had to give Teal'c the credit for the current torture regimen. While Apophis was the one to notice the window of opportunity, it was Teal'c who recommended verifying the information through other means. And it was Teal'c's peculiar brilliance which came up with the idea of correlating the testimony of multiple prisoners. If five masked cowards each said essentially the same thing, then that information was probably accurate. You would still have to check that information through spies and such, but at least you would have a starting point.
Unfortunately the current batch of prisoners seemed unusually reluctant to reveal anything, with most simply crying out 'I don't know' like the phrase was some talisman against the pain. He suspected that there would be no worthwhile information coming from the pathetic lump of bloody tissue that lay before him now. As much as he was enjoying torturing the subject, he had to know what was going on, and he wasn't going to learn with this prisoner. He would have to kill him. But he didn't have to make the death pleasant. Apophis held out his hand, palm out, and felt the power flow through him. He couldn't prevent the laughter that came from him as the screams reached their crescendo before suddenly stopping.
/
It had been not quite a year since The Change. Those few days had been marked by terrible loss, and terrible tragedy. And yet great good had come from it. Ra was dead, even the most skeptical thought so now. The community had rallied around Rashidi in the weeks after Ra's death, exalted him as leader. And Rashidi, ever so quietly, ever so gently, told them no. He would not be their leader; he had no right to that claim. He was just a man, like any of them, and he would work with them just like anyone else.
Akil still remembered the day Rashidi finally got fed up with all the worship and all the exultations. He didn't say anything about it during those first few days, even a stranger knew to respect the dead as they were put into the ground. But after a week he had had enough. He called together the villagers, not just the leaders and adults, but everyone. He said that Kasuf was a wise leader. He said that we should listen to him. Rashidi said that he knew less about life in this dry land than even the youngest members of the tribe. He said that he was learning every day from them and that he counted himself as no greater than any one of them (the shock that went through the crowd was palpable)
People accepted this, though it wasn't easy. But if Rashidi wanted to pretend to be an equal with them, they would let him. It was strange at first, this strange man poking around, asking strange questions, talking about strange ideas, and just acting, well, strange. But it worked. While Rashidi did help them build their houses back after the destruction Ra had wrought, he deferred to those who had always built the houses. And yes, Rashidi knew much about their culture, but as darkness fell and the villagers sat around their fires and told stories, Rashidi simply listened. Sure, he helped them locate and dig the new well, but he never commanded, only suggested. In fact, that was how Rashidi came to notice Akil.
The elders were arguing about the well, and how best to get the water to the surface where it could be put to use. This well was further away than the others, outside the village walls. It would be too far away for people to simply haul up buckets of water, like they would for other wells. And this was the nearest spot to the village that they had found that a well could be dug at. So how then to get the water to the village? While the elders and Rashidi argued, Akil had sat and thought.
After a time Akil realized that the wiseman was staring at him. He quickly averted his eyes and started fiddling with something on the ground. That was when a shadow appeared, and he looked up, and there he was, Rashidi with a slight smile and kind eyes.
"Hello, Akil, is that right?"
He knew his name! And what was Akil, just some kid who wasn't quite sixteen yet. But that was Rashidi, he didn't care about your standing in the community, he cared about you.
"Oh, you don't need to stand there all awkward, look me in the eye. What were you thinking just then?"
"It's nothing, just idle thoughts"
"I want to know"
"Well…"
Akil still couldn't believe that he had the strength to talk about it, he was sure his voice was shaking, and he probably didn't always make sense. But Rashidi was nothing if not patient, and he listened, and he asked questions. After a few minutes Akil was speaking confidently, drawing diagrams in the sand and Rashidi, the savior of his people, was actually listening! Akil was always thinking about things, but he never talked about them. Who would listen? Until Rashidi came, no one would, except his friends, and they all thought that he was crazy. But now, but now, his ideas were being heard! After a few more minutes Rashidi went back to the elders, and they were coming over to Akil. Rashidi asked Akil to explain his ideas again, and because Rashidi bade them listen, they did. Then, when all was said, the elders actually put his ideas into action, and now there was a new well and plenty of water and it was all because of Akil!
But that was months ago, and Rashidi would never let you rest on your laurels, not when there was still so much work to be done. Akil had become one of Rashidi's constant companions, one of the few that Rashidi worked with regularly. Partly this was because Akil was, as Rashidi put it, a mechanical genius. But partly it was due to Akil's youth. For some reason older people in the village just couldn't quite get used to doing things in new ways, but for Akil and some of the other younger villagers it was easy. Sure, he didn't have the same intimacy that Skaara or Kasuf had, but Rashidi still relied on him and that made Akil proud.
/
Ra had not sent through his shipment of naquadah. The missing shipment was what made Apophis suspect something was wrong. When Ra failed to return his communications, Apophis decided he would have to go himself to the planet to find out what was happening. What he saw when he got there was confusing. Around the planet was a spreading ring of debris, as though a ha'tak had been utterly destroyed. What was most unusual, though, were the levels of radiation. While the Goa'uld still made use of splitting atoms for certain low power requirements, and there certainly would have been such generators on Ra's mother ship, that wouldn't account for the levels of radiation that he was seeing. The people on the planet below certainly would not have had access to such weaponry, so where did it come from?
Apophis didn't think that another system lord was behind this. Sure, any number of others would be more than happy to destroy Ra, but what would be the point? When Ra was ultimately defeated in battle it was decided that he should become the responsibility of Apophis. This was no concession to fraternal loyalty. Instead it was a calculated move. While the burden of protecting Ra, and assuring that he didn't try and escape, wasn't a major one, it did add one more responsibility. At the time Apophis was happy to take the deal, knowing that trying to fight it would only bring on the wrath of the system lords, and also because he was looking forward to seeing his older brother in chains. As for Ra, well, who would choose death when there was another option?
Thus any one killing Ra at this point would only be doing Apophis a favor, and so for that reason alone it was unlikely that any of his enemies had done it. Anyone attempting a revenge killing would have to, by custom, make sure that Apophis was ok with it. Had they come to him he may well have given his permission to execute his brother, assuming they had something of value to offer in return. When he first accepted the deal he had been in ascendancy, slowly but steadily gaining power and property. But the last few decades had seen a decline, and the burden of Ra, minor though it was, was beginning to be annoying.
So whoever killed Ra hadn't done it to injure Apophis. Nor had they done it, probably, out of revenge against Ra. That left one possibility: conquest. This last possibility was so unlikely that Apophis didn't even consider it until he had ruled out the other two. First of all, Abydos was just some backwater planet. It was neither tactically important, nor strategically worthwhile. The resources on the planet amounted to a few thousand slaves and one minor naquadah mine. There would be no reason for any major power to try and seize the planet. Of course there were any number of minor players who might find the planet tempting, though they would be dumb to make a play for it. Any intelligent goa'uld would have to realize that Apophis would find out about it rather quickly. Furthermore, who attempts to control a planet by killing its master and then disappearing? As far as Apophis could tell, someone had come along, killed Ra, and then vanished back into the night. Who does that kind of thing? And of course, there was that frustratingly inexplicable radiation.
/
And now Rashidi was leaving. At first no one had told Rashidi that there were, or at least had been, other Gods simply because they were too busy mourning and celebrating at the same time. Then, once things settled down, no one told him because they did not want to break his heart. He was so proud that he had helped them free themselves that the rest of the villagers didn't want to cause him to doubt their continued good fortune. Besides, hadn't Ra told them that he had defeated those other Gods? (Though if Ra had lied about being a God, could he not have lied about other things as well, said the whisper of doubt)
But Rashidi had learned of the other Gods, by listening to their stories and exploring the village and the ruins of villages, and by studying the pyramid. That was when he decided to leave. He said that he must return to his original home, to warn the others there of the danger they were in. He didn't promise that he would come back. Rashidi was well named, and knew that he could not make that promise. But he did promise that he would do everything that he could to come back, if it was at all possible.
And that was how Akil came to stand here with Rashidi, before the ring of the gods, discussing ways to prevent it from opening again.
"Well, we're mostly concerned about getting the plug put into place quickly, in case someone wants to come through, right?"
"Right…"
"Well, if the plug is on a bit of track that angles in, we can get the plug close. But if the track goes just a little bit past the edge here, we can have it transition to another, shorter set of tracks that will move the plug until the far edge is resting just inside the ring right about here"
As Akil explained and Rashidi watched, Akil pointed out where things would go and how they fit together. He had to draw a few diagrams to help him explain how things would go together. It wasn't perfect, because Akil could never get the paint and ink to match exactly what he saw in his mind, but it was close enough.
"Ok, so that gets us pretty close, but what about the other side? I don't know for sure, but I think we need to get the plug to fit completely inside the gate."
"That's easy! We already use something like it when we grind our flour. You see, get a bedstone, flip it over so that the stone can pivot, and have the track lead onto it. We don't even need the stone to move the plug all that much, just a few inches."
"Excellent!" said Rashidi, patting Akil on the back, "Well done. Get the materials together and start the men working on it. I would help, but I need to discuss some things with the elders and, well…"
"Shau're"
"Yes", and with a slight smile Rashidi turned to leave.
There was much sorrow as Rashidi prepared to leave. As Akil was getting things organized in the pyramid Rashidi made his final goodbyes. When the time came for him to step through the ring all the villagers gathered together to see him off. They stood, hot and crowded in the room that held the ring, as he made his farewell speech. He shook Kasuf's hand, gave one last embrace to Shau're, and stepped through.
/
Apophis was cautious, or at least, more cautious than other goa'uld. When he first rose to power he had a tendency to rush headlong into a conflict, not realizing that he was walking into a trap. This had proven costly on more than one occasion. Now, however, he preferred caution to rash action, especially in the face of mystery. He had decided to round up a few slaves, but quietly. He didn't want to tip his hand too soon. Unfortunately he wasn't learning a whole lot from them. From what he was able to piece together, some unusual humans had come through the gate and killed Ra. From one of his spies he learned that they had brought with them weapons, crude things of metal and plastic. They still relied on simple chemicals to propel a solid object! Crude, yes, but also deadly. While none of his prisoners had mentioned it, he began to suspect that it was these strange humans that had also brought along the weapon that destroyed Ra, which might explain the radiation he had detected.
Unfortunately, none of his victims had been especially forthcoming about where these other humans had come from. Happily, Apophis wasn't an idiot. He, with some help from Teal'c, was able to narrow the list of possibilities down. The strange humans had most likely come from some old possession that had been abandoned centuries ago. Since these humans had nuclear weapons and had figured out how to operate the chappa'ai, it was reasonable to assume that they had an appreciable level of technology. The fact that they had not made their presence known indicated that they had no spacefaring vessels to speak of. This meant that they probably did not have any naquadah, otherwise why would they rely on nuclear weapons and disregard space travel? This narrowed the list of candidate planets down to no more than a few dozen. Apophis dispatched scout ships to these planets with strict instructions to not be detected.
It may take weeks or even months for the scout ships to report back. In the meantime he could take some pleasure in interrogating his prisoners. Of course, if any of these strange humans had stayed on the planet that would be a big bonus, but it didn't seem likely that any had. Unbeknownst to Apophis one had stayed behind. Unfortunately he didn't find this out until after this interloper had stepped through the gate.
/
There was a moment of disorientation right after Rashidi passed through the other side, but before he could get reoriented he realized there was nothing for him to get reoriented to. He fell, cursing, flat on his face onto a concrete floor. The guards outside had heard the sounds of something happening inside the warehouse, and so naturally went in search of the source of the sound. What they saw was, was…
Well, it could only have been an explosion. But there wasn't any debris, and there certainly hadn't been the sound of an explosion, but what they saw in the shimmering blue light could only be explained by, well, the world's tidiest and quietest explosion. There was a great, shimmering blue wall of what looked, for all the world, like water. Directly in front of this mystery were piled boxes and crates holding stored equipment, because the military never threw something away if they didn't have to. Or rather, there had been a pile of crates. Those had gone, some of them cut clean through as though a laser had been used on them, leaving behind only a part of original. Just then a figure could be seen standing up, silhouetted in front of the weird puddle … thing. He was holding broken glasses and mumbling something about building stairs next to these things.
"Freeze! Stay right where you are!"
The figure jerked his head up in surprise just as the crazy vertical water disappeared.
"Don't shoot! My name is Daniel Jackson and I need to speak with General West!"
