Author's Note: I don't know what this is. Forgive me, please.

Hellsing is not mine.
Into the Woods is not mine, either.
Underlined text is singing.


(A quiet stage. Walter [W] walks on stage, with a single light trained on him as his monocle shines. Lively music starts)

W: Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom, (enter Integra [I], Alexander Anderson [AA], and Pip [P])

I: I wish, more than anything, more than life, more than cigars!

W: lived a sad young heiress, a tired mercenary, and a weapon-laden priest.

P: More than life

P, I, AA: I wish, more than anything, more than the moon-

I: The Queen is giving a grand gala; I wish to avoid the grand gala!

AA: More than life, more than the orphanage-

P: I wish my men wouldn't be so weak-

AA: I wish to slay monsters!

(All continue singing in three-part-harmony while Walter watches from afar. Focus on Integra as Alucard (A) enters and sneers)

A: You wish to avoid the grand gala? The Queen's grand gala?

W: The poor girl's father had died, and he had left her in the care of a monstrously annoying vampire servant.

A: (Sing-speaking) Look at your fame, look at the press; it'd be a scandal but nevertheless- You wish to avoid the grand gala, you wish to avoid the grand gala and just stay home instead? (Uproarious laughter)

W: The servant was beautiful of face but dark and brooding at heart. Pip, on the other hand, had no servant, but his men…. (Enter Wild Geese [G])

G: We wish,

W: Well, they had no work ethic.

G: We wish our leader was lazy, we wish the barracks would clean itself- we wish our stomachs had some food! We wish our pockets full of gold; we wish a lot of things….

(Knocking comes from a door. Enter Seras [S] to Alexander Anderson, standing beside him and looking at weapons)

AA: Why, coom in lassie.

S: I wish; it's not for me it's for my Master in battle! A new pistol, please. To bring my poor and dying Master in the fray, just a new pistol please….and perhaps a big canon?

W: Integra's servant had a surprise for her.

A: I've found a band of FREAKS over in the next town. If you let me go to destroy them, I'll find a way for you to avoid the gala.

S: and ammo!

I: People; people in the houses and castles and forests and flats….

S: and maybe some grenades?

I: People; people would see you and be frightened and call the army to their aid! (Vocalizes the word "No.") Now go Alucard, out of my office. Get now, get and don't come back- find someone to bother!

P: But men!

G: Listen Pip, we don't want to practice maneuvers today.

P: But-

G: Look at us! There are bits in our pits, we have cankles instead of ankles, and we all have camel toes!

P: But you're men!

G: We've no time to run around, we just want to settle down! And no one fights on Sunday anyway. Sometimes we fear you're touched!

S: Into the fray, it's time to go- I hate to leave, I have to go. Into the fray, it's time and so I must be getting back now. Into the fray, the bloodstained fields where I am awaited, man. Into the fray to my Master's side! (Struggles with heavy load) Into the woods-to-my-Ma-steeerr's side!

AA: Yer certain of yer way?

S: The way is clear, the moonlight's good. I have no fear like others would. The dead are corpses, the corpses are dead; I sort of hate to ask it, but would you just hold that? (Gives Anderson load while she ties her shoe) Into the fray, and down the straight, the path is there- I know it well. Into the fray and who can tell which person is the enemy? Into the fray to bring a gun to Master who's gonna need one. I see him now against the sun; for all I know, he's already won. But, into the fray! Into the fray! Into the fray to my Master's side and home before noon!

(Seras exits, leaving a confused Anderson behind.)


That's all I'm doing right now. If enough people like it I'll do another part of the Prologue. You can find the real version here: wwwDOTyoutubeDOTcomSLASHwatch?v=LiGRPYmTFV0

I love this musical; it's just so silly and yet still teaches a valuable lesson.