"Death By Sequences"
The True Story Musical of How Leah Michelle Died, and How Harvey Firestein Was There and Wrote A Musical About It.
Dedication: This is a love song medley to all things fandom. This is also a love song to pop culture, pop music, rock opera, slam poetry, Musical Nerds, people who watch Glee, Leonard in Community, spontaneity, things with genders, things without genders, glitter glue, feather boas, Science Fiction, the Scottish Play, letting go, Rogers & Hammerstein, people who bring actors their meals … This is a musical for those who know Musicals. It is also a musical for those who know the true meaning of life and how life is like a box of chocolates, especially if they are all the same, like if you buy a box of hedgehogs. They are all gonna taste the same. Unless one gets moldy: EMBRACE THE MOLD.
Dedicated to: Sir Winston Churchill
ACT 1
SCENE 1
The stage lights up on a mostly NAKED stage. The lighting suggests a forest setting and birds chirp happily from far off. ENTER LIZBETHER SALANDER pulling a body bag with great difficulty. Her hair is black and spiky, but the spikes are off kilter and she is missing one of her combat boots. Her mouth is bloody; suggesting one of her many piercings has been ripped out. She pulls the body to STAGE CENTRE and drops the legs down unceremoniously. She lights a cigarette and puffs moodily. Suddenly KATNISS EVERDEEN enters. She carries her bow, and quiver, her hair is braided.
KATNISS What do we do now?
LISBETH …
KATNISS Come ooon! You have more experience with dead bodies than I do.
LISBETH (Glares at KATNISS and drops her cigarette and stomps it out wih her bare foot.) God, she was annoying. Her mouth was the size of a mutant grapefruit with unicorn genes.
KATNISS Yeah, I know. . . Ugh, and her character in Glee was just SO inconsistent Unicorn jeans? That would look good on you.
LISBETH I mean genes. Not jeans. And anyway, I don't do anything pretty, happy, and I would kill a man with kerosene and a match before I wear anything with a unicorn on it.
KATNISS That's your problem, Lisbeth. You just won't change! I try so hard to change but all you do is stare at stuff moodily and wear black all the time. You won't even try my Bow! I though you like stuff that kills other stuff! I thought that's why we were perfect together! (Music begins.)
TAKE ME OR KILL ME
LISBETH EVERY SINGLE DAY,
I WALK DOWN THE STREET
I HEAR PEOPLE SAY BABY WHO'S THAT FREAK
AND THANKS TO PUBERTY EVERYBODY STARES AT ME
BOYS, GIRLS I CAN'T HELP IT BABY
SO BE KIND AND DON'T LOSE YOUR MIND
JUST REMEMBER THAT I'M NOT CRAZY
TAKE ME FOR WHAT I AM
WHO I WAS MEANT TO BE
AND IF YOU GIVE A DAMN,
TAKE ME BABY OR KILL ME
NO WAY CAN I BE WHAT I'M NOT
BUT HEY I KNOW THAT MOCKINGJAY IS HOT
DON'T SHOOT
DON'T LOOSE YOUR BOW
'CAUSE I'M DYING TO BE YOUR HACKING HOE
KATNISS It won't work!
I LOOK BEFOR I LEAP
I LOVE ARCHERY AND DICIPLINE
I SHOOT BIRDS IN MY SLEEP
BABY WHAT'S MY SIN
NEVER MISS I FOLLOW THROUGH
AND IT'S CLEAR MY ARROW HAS HIT YOU
WHAT TO DO WITH MY IMPROMTU BABY
TAKE ME FOR WHAT I AM
WHO I WAS MEANT TO BE
AND IF YOU GIVE A DAMN,
TAKE ME BABY OR KILL ME
TOGETHER THAT'S IT
YOU KNOW WE AIN'T GOING BACK
CAN'T QUIT
YOUR ARROW IS THE HEART I'VE HACKED
WOOOOOO WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU?
CAN'T LIVE WITH YOU OR WITHOUT YOU—
LISBETH Look, we have a dead body here.
KANTNISS (Upset) OK. What do we do?
LISBETH I know just the man.
Lights fade, end of SCENE 1
SCENE 2
The interior of Serenity sets the stage. CAPTAIN MEL stares uncomfortably at JANE EYRE who sits gracefully on a chair. JAYNE circles with a puzzled look on his face as he scratches his head with his pistol.
MEL So, where'd you come from, again?
JANE I told you, Thornfeild.
JAYNE Sounds prickly.
JANE (Indignantly.) It is nothing of the sort.
MEL Ok, so where every your from, I guess it don't matter. How did you get here?
JANE I don't know. All I recollect is listening to the carrying on of a gypsy woman and the next thng I know I am in … This … Household. (Looks around with evident distaste.)
MEL Now hold up here, don't you go insulting Serenity. She keeps us up here and safe in this God Forsaken universe.
JAYNE You one of Inara's types.
JANE I beg your pardon?
MEL Now, now, I ain't tryin' to be mean at all but your not one of them risky women types are you?
JAYNE (Hopefully) Are you?
JANE I would never even consider it if what I recollection is correct. How dare you question me so!
JAYNE Dammit. What's your name?
JANE Jane.
JAYNE Whut? No I mean YOUR name.
JANE It's Jane, Jane Eyre.
MEL Your name is Jane?
JAYNE That's my name.
JANE An unusual name for a gentlemen, no less.
JAYNE I ain't no gentleman.
JANE Yes, it does not take a wise man to see that.
MEL You, Miss, need to watch your place.
JANE I will do nothing of the sort. I fear the two of you will violate me so I must conjure up my singing voice and let you know how I feel about such atrocious manners.
MEL Well, damn, I sure as hell ain't singin'. Have at 'er Jayne. (Exit MEL).
A the music begins JAYNE looks around frantic at the noise. He holds his gun and aims it towards the noise.
JAYNE What the hell is that?
JANE Music and glamour time. One mustn't resist it. Just go with your feelings.
JAYNE I ain't into that touchy feely crap.
Enter HARVEY FIRESTEIN with feather boas.
HARVEY Let's see the magic! WEEEEEEEE!
(Music begins and the CREW OF FIREFLY and THE WEASLEY TWINS appear and stand on the balconies.)
JANE Dearlingest darlingest Rochester,
JAYNE Mom,
TOGETHER
THERE'S BEEN SOME CONFUSION OVER ROOMING HERE IN SPACE
JANE (Stands sharply)
BUT OF COURSE I'LL USE MY BRAIN
JAYNE (stares at Jane's woman parts)
I MIGHT JUST … AHEM… RISE ABOVE IT
WEASLEY TWINS (shout from the balcony) OR RISE INSIDE IT! (They do the Troy and Abed handshake.)
JANE AND JAYNE
FOR I THINK THAT'S HOW YOU WANT ME TO RESPOND
CAST OF FIRFLY AND WEASLEY TWINS
YES.
TOGETHER
THERE'S BEEN SOME CONFUSION FOR YOU SEE MY NAMESAKE IS
JANE
UNUSUALLY, INECEEDINGLY PECULIAR AND ALL
TOGETHER QUITE IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE.
JAYNE
HUH?
JANE
WHAT IS THIS FEELING SO SUDDEN AND NEW.
JAYNE
I FELT THE MOMENT I LOOKED AT YOUR BOOBS
JANE
MY PULSE IS RUSHING
JAYNE
MY HEAD IS REELING
JANE
MY FACE IS FLUSHING
BOTH
WHAT IS THIS FEELING?
FERBID AS A FLAME
DOES IT HAVE A NAME
YES! LUSTING
UNADULTERATED LUSTING
JAYNE
FOR YOUR FACE
JANE
YOUR VOICE
JAYNE
IMAGINING YOU WITH NO CLOTHING
BOTH
LET'S JUST SAY— I WANT IT ALL
EVERY LITTLE TRAIT HOW EVER SMALL
MAKES MY VERY FLESH BEGIN TO CRAWL
WITH SIMPLE UTTER LUSTING
THERE'S A STRANGE EXILERATION
IS THERE SPACE HERE FOR MASTERBATION?
IT'S SO PURE SO STRONG
THOUGH I DO ADMIT IT CAME ON FAST
BY LOOKING AT YOU I KNOW YOU'LL LAST
AND I'LL BE LUSTING
LUSTING YOU
MY WHOLE LIFE LONG!
CREW OF FIREFLY AND WEASLEY TWINS (Dancing)
SEXUAL TENSION, YOU ARE JUST TO CRUEL
HOW CAN THEY STAND IT I DON'T THINK I COULD
IT'S A MEANIE IT'S A BUTTHEAD
SUCH GOOD MANNERS GET YOU NO WHERE
INARA (Indignant)
WELL, THESE THING ARE SENT TO TRY US
(There is a pause and THE WEASLEY TWINS laugh loudly.)
JANE AND JAYNE
WHAT IS THIS FEELING SO SUDDEN AND NEW
JAYNE
I FELT THE MOMENT I LOOKED AT YOUR BOOBS
BOTH
MY PULSE IS RUSHING
MY HEAD IS REELING
OH WHAT IS THIS FEELING
DOES IT HAVE A NAME
YESS
AAAH
LUSTING
CREW OF FIREFLY AND WEASLEY TWINS
LUSTING FOR YOU
MY WHOLE LIFE LONG!
JANYE (Pinches JANE'S butt) BOO!
JANE
AH!
(Characters pause in tableau, and the lights dim. A spotlight lands on INARA. She looks up at the audience.)
INARA Yes who is it?
LISBETH Inara, it's Libeth Salander!
INARA Umm …
LISBETH You know … The girl with the dragon tattoo?
INARA Oh! Libeth! How good of you to call. How may I be of service to you again?
LISBETH … Well, um, no THAT kind of service. We, uh, have a body.
INARA Yes, I know you do. I remember it well.
LISBETH NO! Not, that I mean … Like … A dead one.
INARA … Oh. How did that happen?
LIBETH I don't have time to explain. Listen is your Captain around? I have a problem. I need it solved. I also have money. Lots of it.
INARA Um, well—
( spotlight turns off and light come on full again. They chat for a moment and then INARA shouts:
WE HAVE A JOB!
THE CREW OF FIREFLY, JANE AND THE WEASLEY TWINS
YAY!
MEL Are dead bodies involved?
INARA Yes.
MEL and JAYNE Are women involved?
INARA Well, yes.
MEL A job! HUZZAH
THE CREW OF FIREFLY, JANE AND THE WEASLEY TWINS
HUZZAH!
MEL
My life without a job … It's been tough. Unemployment, you'll not get the best of me. For I know TOMORROW will bring a brighter day. Filled with cash, and change and MONEY! Tomorrow, yes!
TOMORROW
MEL
THE CASH WE WILL GET
TOMORROW
BET YOUR BOTTOM (slaps his butt cheek flamboyantly) DOLLAR
THAT TOMORROW
WE'LL BE RICH
KALEY
JUST THINKIN' ABOUT
TOMORROW
MAKES ME GLAD THAT
I'LL NO MORE HAVE TO BORROW
SIMON'S PANTS
PREACHER
WHEN I'M STUCK WITH A DAY
I'LL PRAY
TO JESUS
I JUST THROW UP MY 'FRO
AND SHOW
TODAY
THE CREW OF FIREFLY, JANE AND THE WEASLEY TWINS
WE'RE GONNA BE RICH
TOMORROW
LIFE'S A BITCH BUT YOUR LUCK CAN CHANGE
TOMORROW
PLEASE DON'T DELAY
TOMORROW TOMORROW
WE'LL GET CASH
TOMORROW
OUR FORTUNE'S A DAY
AWAY!
(Lights dim. End SCENE 2.)
