CHAPTER ONE
It was one of the more grey days outside Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. A certain pigeon, who had just recently graduated from Remedial Pigeon School, was quite happy at this moment, for it was perched on a lovely little lamppost, looking cheerfully inside the window. At his time there was some sort of orderly mess going on, with a witch with a tight bun and a man with a white beard trying to straighten out the mess.
Now, as the pigeon had attended Remedial Pigeon School, he knew this was probably nothing to worry about, and also that life-changing events may actually go on (Lesson 1 of Remedial Pigeon School there always may be life changing events.). Thus, he decided to watch...
"ORDER! ORDER!" McGonagall shouted, banging her invisible gavel. "Teachers, come to order!"
"Lemon drop?" said Dumbledore mildly to Flitwick.
"Certainly," said Flitwick cheerfully, accepting it and sucking it happily.
"OI!" McGonagall said.
"Since when do you say 'oi'?" asked Flitwick curiously.
"I think she learned over the summer," said Dumbledore pleasantly.
McGonagall sighed. "All staff accounted for?"
"Snape isn't here," whined Burbage.
"Snape is busy," said Dumbledore.
"It's the first staff meeting of the year," said McGonagall exasperatedly. "He should be here."
"Rest assured, I shall catch him up," said Dumbledore. "Carry on, Minerva. The agenda?"
"Very well," She nodded. "As some of you might have already have guessed, we are on the verge of a war. Now-"
"War?" cried Sprout.
"Not that war," said McGonagall exasperatedly.
"Which war?" Binns cocked his transparent head.
"When did you get here?" asked Flitwick.
"Ever hear of floating?" Binns snapped.
"I got into Pottermore!" shouted Trelawny suddenly.
Everyone stared at her.
"..Oh the wonders of a parody," she added quickly.
"Anyways..." McGonagall redirected everyone's attention. "But yes, we are in a war."
"A prank war," specified Burbage.
"It is highly distr - " McGonagall began.
"I'm on Team United Oranges!" said Sprout brightly.
Everyone looked at her.
"What?" she asked innocently. "Fred and George are on that team."
"Well," Flitwick said squeakily. "As I recall, Sirius and Remus we exceptionally good pranksters when they were students here."
"I remember all too well," muttered McGonagall darkly, touching a scar on her temple that had never quite worn away.
"May as well start to pick sides," Madam Pince murmured.
"We are TEACHERS," cried McGonagall. "I called this meeting to put a STOP to this madness. Think about what this prank war has already done to the school!"
There was a silence.
"It seems to annoy Umbridge," said Flitwick lightly.
"I repeat," McGonagall said darkly. "We are mature teachers. None of this foolishness should be taking place at such a highly praised school - "
"This could be some fun," Hooch chimed in. "We haven't had much entertainment since He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named returned."
"I will have no memory of any of my teachers ever deciding to take part in such amusing foolishness, if the matter happens to come up," said Dumbledore inanely.
"What are you saying, sir?" McGonagall looked at the headmaster worriedly.
Dumbledore said nothing, only sucked a lemon drop without looking at anyone.
"Well, in any case," said Firenze decisively, setting his hooves on the table, "I am on the Nightcaps of Doom."
"I will be on The Nightcaps of Doom, as well." Hagrid said firmly.
Everyone looked at him. "How long have you been standing there?" asked Sprout.
"This 'ole time," said Hagrid cheerfully.
There was a silence.
McGonagall sighed resignedly. "As devoted as I was to the Marauders, in their time," she said wearily, "I do suppose I should not be biased and go with the UNITED ORANGES."
There was applause. "Me too," said Vector and Hooch at once.
"Well," said Professor Burbage, "I will be on the Nightcaps of Doom!"
"Two exclamation points?" said Binn dryly, with no exclamation points at all. "I'll be on the Oranges, I think.."
"As will I," Grubbly-Plank yawned.
"I," said Professor Sinistra softly, tucking her dark black hair behind her ear, "will favor the Nightcaps of Doom." She smiled.
"I will, too," said Flitwick cheerfully.
"As will I," said Pince quietly, looking surprised at herself.
Dumbledore looked at his staff with a hint of amusement. "Well, I think that concludes the meeting."
McGonagall looked at him and sighed. "Did we really just spend a whole meeting based on choosing which side of the prank we should be on?"
"Why, yes," said Dumbledore lightly, chucking a candy wrapper neatly in the bin. "I believe we did."
"WAIT!" came a sudden loud voice from the back of the room.
The professors turned around to see the former headmaster Phineas Nigellus Black in a portrait of a green witch riding a broomstick. "A green witch?" said McGonagall dubiously.
"Over the summer," said Mr. Black crisply, "I was forced to endure endless discussion of this ridiculous prank war. And so, mostly to go against my shame of a great-grandson , I will be joining the United Oranges."
"Adjourned!" said Dumbledore grandly.
Meanwhile, in a Macy's..
"Which color do you think will go with my skin tone?" asked the large woman with too much eyeliner to the make-up clerk.
The man turned around with his snake-like eyes and looked at her piercingly.
"Darling," he drawled, "you are a winter." He reached for something under the counter. "Try this on, love, won't you? Oh - excuse me." The song "Defying Gravity" began playing at full blast, and the clerk reached lazily for his cell phone. "Lucius? I'm at work."
"My Lord?" Lucius's voice rang out. "Where are you?"
"Working," Voldemort said with a shrug. "Need to bring in the pounds somehow."
"Um," Lucius said unsurely. "And what exactly am I talking to you on?"
"Um, I'm not really sure, to be completely honest. But look, Luce, this poor woman thinks she's a summer, yeah? So I'll call you back, darling."
"DID YOU JUST CALL - "
Click.
"Now," Voldemort turned back to the woman. "Winter is totally your thing.."
Hi! We're still alive! Sorry this took long, we're a bit lazyyy. :P Muahhahaa. We hope you enjoyed Voldemort calling Lucius "daaaaaahling" xD and we hope you review! :)
