"Realizing that your life is worthless is worthless in itself."
He was always an in-your-face type of boy. As a teen he would be vengeful. As a young man he would be self contradictory.
Mello remembered learning two things on the day his family died. One: God does not exist. Two: If God does exist, he is a bastard that enjoys listening to people beg. Like the murderer who lets you pray for forgiveness before death. They let you indulge in a fantasy because it makes for good entertainment. And that's what his family was. Entertainment for a delusional murderer who thought he was the archangel Michael, the "good" angel of death, the one who slays Satan in a forgotten time and a place ruined by crusades. Truly, the man was a fanatic of the same religion as he was at the time. But once he witnessed the "cleansing" of his father and sister from this world, he realized it was useless to keep praying. Instead, he killed the archangel.
Things happened all too quickly after that. After the rage had died down and the malice went cold, Mello knew that he had lost something. Years later he would find out what that something was.
Yes, he knew it now of course. It was his reason to live that he had lost. There was nothing left. No father to make proud. No sister to guard. Not even a God to pray to for forgiveness. No, he couldn't believe in that nonsense after being visited by Michael. That meant he would not be spending the rest of his life doing good deeds as penitence for taking another human life, which in turn meant that his life was void of anything meaningful to him. Even so... He acted as badly as he could to spite a God if there was one. Or maybe just to piss off the people who believed.
Soon after he met little Near in a shitty little orphanage in a place that was far, far away from the archangel's place of descent. What a repulsive little brat that Near was... When he had seen Near the first time, Mello was shocked to see him wearing all white, even his hair was white. Like that faggot Michael. Later he would find out that Near was about as void of life as he was and that pissed him off for some reason. No one had the right to be even more fucked up than him. It wasn't possible, especially for someone frail like Near who surely would have died if he had gone through something as terrible as what Mello himself had. What could Near have endured to become like that? Then an idea... A new reason to take up the cross, just to mock God. This boy was to be his new Michael, another archangel to defeat. But this time Mello would have to take things slowly so as not to lose his reason again. He needed this to last a lifetime so he wouldn't be so empty.
After a while Mello outgrew the orphanage and left on his own terms. His beliefs had changed somewhat and manifested into something new. He realized Near was just a boy, not some new angel to fight against and that he was not a little devil in the guise of a human being. They were just people. However, he knew he was still too confused to delineate Near from his reason to live and so he started competing with him. This turned out to be both good and bad. Near always beat him at the little games he'd play... But if Mello were to ever beat Near, even once, then he'd lose interest. Winning wasn't everything but the game, that was different. The game became life. And winning, well that was just the death a lot of people hoped they would get: a peaceful passing during sleep. Hell no, he hated the idea of that. He'd want to go down in flames. It'd be funny at least, to die that way since he still held onto his religion like how a kid holds onto a seashell found at a beach or a ribbon that was from their favorite Christmas present only to grow up and find it again. Instead of throwing it out, they keep the trash because now it has "sentimental" value.
His memento would be a rosary. Mello wore it around his neck. It bothered anyone who was deeply religious because rosaries were not meant to be worn. He kept it with him all the time, even when he knew he was going out to kill someone or to possibly be killed. Some ignorant people who saw him thought he was religious and that made them trust him a little more. Or it made them fear him a little more. Both reactions were irrelevant to him. Only little Near remembered that he hadn't always wore a rosary. Mello had been quite the loudmouth as a child. Near knew the reason for all of his quirks. Mello didn't know the reason for any of Near's.
When Mello first heard about the spontaneous heart attacks, he had still been in that shitty little orphanage. By then he knew a few people. Near, of course, his rival. There was also Matt, his room mate and the old fart who ran the place or liked to think he did, Roger. And... The mysterious figure of L. Mello admired L in that whoever he or she was; they brought "justice" to "evil doers". He was still amused by things that were similar to his old beliefs of good an evil. Besides, L was a genius and Near was probably going to replace L unless Mello intervened. It was another game to play. There was even a new "God" to piss off. Kira. How pathetic, that another delusional being could be given such a dangerous weapon to use. It didn't help that this particular murderer happened to be smarter than the rest. He wasn't even trying to be an angel like Michael. No, this one was going to become God on earth if he wasn't stopped. Kira was even more annoying and less amusing than Near.
Soon Kira was the object of a race between him and Near. Mello wanted to win this time, he really wanted to win. Not to beat Near, but to be the first to beat God. Not that Kira was a God. He just liked to pretend. He always knew the truth, he never deluded himself and he only fooled people to further his own needs. Mello also never played "games" with anyone who wasn't on his level.
Interestingly enough, Kira was about as tough to beat as Near. That infuriated him... At least Near was someone he could relate to, though he would never say it out loud. They both liked to play dangerous games and they both thought that the ends justified the means. The difference was that Mello still had the capacity to feel guilt, and that stopped him from doing some things that Near wouldn't hesitate to do.
However, this time the game was more difficult. Mello misjudged the power of God and he was burned for it. He laughed though. He still thought of things in biblical terms and phrases but only because, as he figured out before, he held onto the religion from his childhood. Luckily, and old friend helped him out. Matt...
Matt was the sort of person Mello usually wouldn't "play" with. But somehow, they got along. They fought but in general... they got along. Because Matt wasn't as competitive as Near and would always let Mello win. He just didn't have any tenacity for competition. It required too much effort on Matt's part and he was laid back. Matt also didn't remind Mello of anything from his past. It was Matt who could draw him into a sharper view of plain reality. Where there were no special meanings to things, where there were no miracles, where everything could be explained rationally. Mello did need a break sometimes from his games. Sometimes he was too absorbed in them. Matt served as a reminder to Mello not to get too caught up. He didn't want to be stuck in his own imagination and he didn't want to lose his self awareness.
Poor Matt was drawn into the game though. But at least Mello had a real friend with him now. Unfortunately it didn't last long. It dawned on Mello that this game was probably going to be his last. And that he couldn't win... But what he could do was help another player. He tried to make Matt go away but in the end he used Matt because he couldn't do everything on his own. Matt wouldn't have left anyway. He casually said so during a smoke. Finally, Mello made a move that would give Near an edge against Kira. Mello finally stopped calling Kira "God" in his head too, in the last couple of days.
He spoke to Halle one last time so Near would know Mello hadn't just messed up by being too rash again. He watched Matt pack up his equipment. He captured Takada, then saw Matt die. He apologized to empty air. Then he felt pain, it was Michael stabbing him again only worse because he couldn't see what was hurting him this time. But he knew, or at least hoped, that Kira would lose. Mello was out of the game.
Second best again Mihael. Did you have fun?
