The Green Beast.
A/N: Have you ever had one of those stories that no matter what you do you can't get it up and running? Well this is definitely one of those stories. I've had so much bloody trouble with this bad boy it's not even funny. Anywho this is PURE CRACK humour mixed in with a little bit of naughtiness and a sprinkle traumatising mental images.
ENJOY.
Dis: I do not own Naruto or any related character. This is probably a good thing because if I did, stuff like this would be a common occurrence.
Dedication: To Paradox1313, who set me down the long, winding and downright crazy road ^_^.
A/N2: Um sorry if this is very OOC. I've never really written team Kakashi / Gai/ most of the other characters besides Kakashi, Iruka and Tsunade. My bad.
~*~
It was a beautiful bright day and the hidden village of Konohagakure was revelling in the wonderful weather. As was usual on days such as these, ninja around the village were completing missions, loafing around or in the case of our intrepid trio of protagonists- training. Well that's what they were supposed to be doing.
"SAI YOU SON OF A BITCH!!" Naruto screamed.
The blonde youth was being physically restrained by Sakura, who had a bored look on her face. As if this wasn't an uncommon occurrence between the two males. In fact this was at least the fifth time today she had broken up the boys, well stopped Naruto from doing something stupid. In front of them Sai just stood looking completely nonplussed at the whole situation.
"Just because I'm telling the truth dickless." The dark haired youth stated bluntly.
Naruto started to squirm more trying to free himself from Sakura's iron grasp. Exasperated beyond belief she bopped him over the head knocking him to the floor. With an evil look the cherry blossom sauntered up to the other pain in her ass and gave him a smack for good measure.
She glared down at the boys "I'm sick of this you two, can't you get along for ten fucking minutes."
"NO!" both boys replied in union, giving each other an evil look before quickly turning away.
"I give up." Sakura shrugged in defeat, walking toward their Sensei who was sitting happily under a tree, nose buried in his usual reading material.
"Sensei can't you do something about them?"
Kakashi looked up from his book, bored grey eye scanning the warring youths with mild interest.
"Is there really any point?" He asked.
The pink haired kunoichi glared at Kakashi and cracked her fist threateningly. Taking the rather obvious hint the Jounin gave a deep sigh and stood up, depositing his precious Icha Icha into his weapons pouch. He strolled over to the two youths, prepared to give a lecture when.
"My esteemed rival what hip, youthful endeavours have you been engaged in on this fine Konoha day."
Kakashi froze on the spot a small wave of sheer annoyance rushing through his body. 'And the day had started off so well.' He thought mournfully. With a grimace on his face he turned to face the boisterous man.
"Hello Gai..." The silver haired man dead panned.
The green beast of Konoha flashed one of his award winning smiles and moved into nice guys pose No. 72- thumbs up with legs spread, minus sunset.
"My rival I have come to issue you with a most youthful challenge of rock, paper, scissors."
Kakashi groaned inwardly, he'd been afraid of that. Instantly his mind began to come up with numerous excuses, each less plausible than the last. After a few calculating moments he just shrugged.
"I'd love to Gai, but I'm busy with my students." He sent a threatening look to the three hellions.
Sakura gave a sweet smile "Oh I'm sure we can spare you for ten minutes Sensei." Naruto nodded in agreement.
The silver haired Jounin swore vengeance on Obito's grave; he was going to make the pink haired little madam pay. He sent her a glare, which she returned with an evil smirk mouthing 'serves you right.'
"Ah excellent, shall we begin." He bounded off heading for a small clearing and Kakashi reluctantly followed still shooting his team with death glares.
As the two men moved away the team huddled together Sakura and Naruto sniggering silently, whilst Sai just looked confused.
"Why are you laughing?" he queried.
The other two members just looked at one another and then broke down again, laughing heartily.
"Kakashi-Sensei hates being challenged by 'Konoha's Green beast'." Sakura chuckled.
"Green beast?"
"Yeah" replied Naruto, getting his laughter under control "That's bushy brow Sensei's nickname."
Sai looked even more confused "Odd, I wonder where he got it from?"
The two teenagers abruptly stopped laughing and looked thoughtful. Come to think of it neither of them had ever really considered where Gai had gotten his nickname from. It just always had been.
"Perhaps we should ask Kakashi-Sensei?" Naruto seemed genuinely intrigued.
"Ask Kakashi-Sensei what?"
The three teens turned around to face their somewhat peeved looking teacher. Sakura gulped and tried to smile innocently. Then gave up immediately, knowing that Kakashi had long been able to see through them. Naruto just looked nervous and Sai seemed unfazed. It was the dark haired youth that gave voice to the lingering question.
"Why is Gai-Sensei called the Green Beast?"
Kakashi was a little taken aback at the boys' bluntness, but after a few moments regained his composure as a genuinely evil plan began to form in his mind. He was going to teach the little bastards a lesson in why you don't piss off the copy Nin. The silver-haired man gave them a chilling smile.
"And why would I tell you?"
The team frowned and looked disheartened, Kakashi felt a gloat emerging. Phase 1 of the plan complete.
"Well…." The Jounin let the word hang in the air.
"Well what…?" The blond knucklehead jumped to his feet in excitement.
"Well how about we make this into a challenge?" Phase 2 initiated, Kakashi could tell he'd managed to hook his team.
Sakura smirked "You're on. What's the challenge?"
Kakashi smirked beneath his mask "Okay here's the deal. Your challenge is to find out how or why Gai has his nickname. Consider it information gathering training; you can use any sources and tactics you please. The only rule is that you can' tell people why you need the information."
"So what's in it for us?" Naruto asked bluntly
"I was just getting to that. You've got until the end of the day, if you fail I get to work you like dogs for the rest of the week, with no complaints or squabbles. If you win then…. I'll show you my face."
Three sets of eyes went wide and broad grins stretched across three sets of lips.
"YOU'RE ON!" The team chorused.
Kakashi smirked grew wider, phase 2 completed. His team were sufficiently lured into this little trap, giving a two fingered salute he jutsu'd away leaving his little minions alone.
The three teens looked at one another, looking like the cats that hit the cream jackpot. There was no way in hell they were going to lose this challenge.
"So where do we start?" The blond knucklehead was bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.
Sakura looked thoughtful "I suppose the best thing to do would to make a list of those who know Gai-Sensei."
Naruto and Sai nodded in agreement and began to rattle off names.
"There is bushy brow and his team. They probably know him better than everyone." Naruto started
"Yeah and there is the rest of the Jounin-Sensei."
This left the team at a blank, other than Kakashi-Sensei they couldn't think of anyone else that Gai generally interacted with. Sakura sighed in frustration, but supposed a lead was better than no lead.
"Okay let's move out."
The three dispersed looking for team Gai.
~*~
Half an hour later Naruto, Sakura and Sai stumbled upon team Gai, who were lounging happily on the 7th training field. Ten-ten and Neji were sitting under a tree watching Lee back flip across the length of the training field. The Hyuga Jounin spotted the visitors first and rose to greet them. Ten-ten looked confused for a moment before spotting a familiar orange blur; she smiled and rose to join her team-mate. Lee was still running around like crazy completely oblivious.
"Naruto-san, Sakura-san, Sai-san what brings you here today?" Neji asked coolly.
"Well we have this cha…" The blond began before Sakura rather violently shoved her hand over his mouth.
"We can't tell them why, remember?" she hissed into his ear. The pinkette did not want to lose this before it had really begun.
"Fo-phe." Naruto puffed through the hand suffocating him, and Sakura let go putting on an embarrassed smile.
Neji and Ten-ten just smiled, they were far to used to the antics of the oddball team by now. They just waited patiently for them to finish.
"Ah sorry Neji-san, Ten-Ten-san, you know what Naruto is like. Heh-heh."
"It's alright Sakura-san. So why are you guys here?" Ten-ten asked.
"Actually were here to ask you a question."
All eyes turned on Sai who up until this point had remained deathly silent, standing still at the back of the group. He gave a nervous smile and continued.
"Well we were wondering if you knew why Gai-Sensei had has nickname?"
The two members of Gai's team looked slightly taken aback by the unusual question, but both recovered swiftly. Neji faced morphed into a look of confusion while Ten-ten simply looked amused.
"To be honest we really haven't a clue. He already had it when we joined his team; we never really thought to ask."
Three faces fell.
Ten-ten sniggered "No Neji, you and I never thought to ask. But I'm pretty sure Lee must have at one point."
All eyes went to the green clad figure still performing random gymnastics around the field. Sakura gave a small guilty smile; this was right up her alley. She felt bad at using Lee's feelings for her against him, but Kakashi-Sensei had said they could use any tactics they wanted.
"Hey Lee!" She called running over to the young man.
Lee stopped at the sound of his name being called and turned around to find Sakura waving frantically at him. A small goofy smile blossomed on his face and waited patiently for the young woman to catch up to him.
"Ah Sakura-san it is good to see you on this fine and wonderful Konoha day."
Sakura smiled at the greeting "Yes it is Lee-san. Lee I was wondering if you could help me with a small problem." She fluttered her eyelashes for extra effect.
It had the desired affect, Lee's cheeks pinkened "Of course Sakura. How may I be of service?"
"Well me and Naruto have are trying to help Sai y'know integrate better. But he keeps coming up with the wrong kind of nicknames for people. And well since Gai-Sensei has such a great nickname, I was wondering if you could tell me how he got it?" The smile on her face was so sweet it was sickening.
Lee melted into a puddle of metaphorical goo "I wish I could help you in your noble quest Sakura-san. But alas I do not know."
The pinkettes expression changed instantly into one of sheer frustration. "Ah shit!"
Lee looked startled as the woman stormed back off to her team, radiating pure annoyance. Even more startled when she bopped both her team mates over the head. Maybe he should take Ten-tens advice and not chase after the crazy ones.
~*~
Team Kakashi was on the move again, both male members sporting large lumps on their heads. With team Gai being a bust they only had one lead left, the Jounin Sensei This was not going to be easy mainly due to the fact that other than Kakashi they only knew of one other Jounin who had hung around Gai. And at that moment she was dealing with her own problems.
"I don't like the idea of going to see Kurenai-Sensei But she's all we got left."
Naruto winced; he really didn't like the idea either. He liked Kurenai-Sensei well enough, but he felt guilty over Asuma-sans death. He wasn't directly responsible but the man had been killed by Akatsuki and they were hunting vessels, people like him.
The trio stood at the door to the Jounin's apartment looking nervous. Tentatively they knocked on the door and waited for the answer.
"Who is it!!?" The voice sounded majorly pissed.
The three gulped audibly "Maybe we should come back later?" Naruto suggested, backing away in an attempt to make a hasty retreat.
He was prevented from executing his master plan by the door to the apartment opening, revealing a very angry and heavily pregnant Kurenai. The three ninjas plastered their biggest fakest smiles on their faces, in a hope to appease the enraged woman. Blood red eyes narrowed.
"What do you want?"
The teens took an unconscious step backwards ready to flee for their lives. If it were possible for looks to kill the intrepid trio would have been rotting on the spot. Naruto gave a very unmanly squeak and his behind Sakura. The pink haired kunoichi glared at her team-mate.
"I um.... it's nothing Kurenai-san. It can wait till later." The three turned to leave.
'Sniffle'
Team Kakashi froze on the spot, was Kurenai.... crying? Against their better judgement they turned back to the distraught woman. Big rolling tears were pouring down her pale face and she was noticeably shaking. She slumped to her knees.
"*Sniff* No one comes to see me anymore. They're all too afraid.*Sniff* All because of stupid Genma..."
The three looked stunned as the distraught Sensei continued to ramble.
"It's all his fault. Just because he caught me on a bad day." Kurenai gulped in a shaking breath.
Sakura gave a sympathetic look and placed her arms around the woman shoulders.
"Now what did that idiot do?" She asked softly.
The Jounin took in another shuddering breath "He came around a few weeks ago being his usual moronic self. I got angry and trapped him in a day long genjutsu. Now one will come see me because they're too afraid."
The two males looked really uncomfortable, contemplating just what the infamous senbon sucker had done to anger the normally calm Kurenai. But then again it might have been nothing, if the Jounin's current emotional state was any indication. Women in general were scary, pregnant women were downright scary. Naruto went to move away from the crying woman but Sakura stopped him with a look.
'Don't even think about it.' It screamed and the blond knucklehead was faced with a tenuous decision. Stay and possibly incur Kurenai's wrath or leave and definitely incur Sakura's. Absolutely no contest.
Naruto stayed put.
After a few minutes Sakura had escorted Kurenai back into her home and told her to get some rest. She slowly closed the door and then slumped against it, heaving a sigh of relief.
"I am officially never having children." Sakura shuddered.
The boys looked at each other and for a moment were united in relief. They didn't want to imagine Sakura pregnant; she was already more than enough trouble without crazy hormones on top of it. The pinkette stood and brushed herself off.
"I guess this is a bust then?" Naruto asked looking forlorn.
Sakura nodded "She won't be awake for a good few hours. In the mean time I have an evil bastard to visit."
"But what does that have to do with mission?" Asked Sai.
A grin crossed the Kunoichi's face "A whole lot actually, Genma is the biggest gossip in the town. If anyone knows anything then it will be him."
With renewed hope Team Kakashi set off in search of the infamous senbon sucker.
~*~
After two hours of frantic searching the team had found neither head nor hair of the man. In a stroke of unusual genius Naruto suggested that they check out the mission room. After all there was no use them searching further if the guys wasn't even in the village. With a nod of approval the three teens leapt toward the office as fast at their legs could carry them. The sun was starting to set; they were running out of time.
Inside the office Naruto, Sakura and Sai were more than shocked to find their quarry sitting on the desk legs swinging casually. Next to him sat one Mitarashi Anko, with a rather pleased look on her face. And behind the desk sat one very harassed looking Umino Iruka, who was glaring for all he was worth at the two special Jounin.
"Anko for the last time will you and that idiot get out of here! Some people actually have work to do."
Genma pouted mockingly "But Iruka-Ni, how will I ever be happy without the sight of your smiling face?"
The academy Sensei scowled at the nickname and with a few quick movements had managed to knock both Anko and Genma off his desk. The two Special Jounin looked up with faked hurt on their faces. Iruka sighed and ran a hand through his hair in annoyance. He was about to give the gruesome twosome another lecture when he spotted that they weren't alone in the room.
"Naruto-Kun? What brings you here? I didn't think you had any missions today."
The blond grinned widely "Ah Iruka-Sensei were actually here to speak to Shiranui-Sama."
Genma's eyes narrowed at the three teens. He knew them well enough to know that they were searching him out was not usually a good thing. They were after all Kakashi's team and that man had trouble written all over him.
"So what does Kakashi want this time?"
"Ano Shiranui-Sama. It's not Kakashi-Sensei that sent us, we were wondering if you could help us?" Sakura's smile was vicious.
Genma shrugged "Sure why not. I need something to do since Iruka-Ni is being such a bore."
Iruka growled and clouted Genma over the head, startling his former students. Anko just chuckled not at all looking sympathetic for the honey haired man. The special Jounin just scowled.
"Goddamn it Iruka!! Did you have to hit so hard?"
"And what have I told you about calling me that Genma? Since you refuse to learn I've got to get it through your skull somehow."
Sensing that something not all that pleasant and exceedingly lengthy was about to occur Sai gave an obvious cough, alerting them once again to their presence.
"We need to speak to Shiranui-San now if you please. It's quite urgent."
The three adults just shrugged and left their squabbling aside. Genma resumed his position on Iruka's desk and clicked the senbon between his teeth.
"Fire away kids."
Sakura frowned at his choice of words but continued anyway "We need to know about Gai-San. More specifically how he got his nickname."
Genma smiled evilly "And why exactly would you want to know that?"
The three gulped, they should have known the special Jounin wouldn't give up the information willingly.
"We can't tell you." Naruto said bluntly.
"Then I'm afraid I can't help you. It goes against my code to spread information about my fellow leaf-nin."
Behind him both Anko and Iruka snorted with laughter, Genma turned to face the two chortling Nin, a look of annoyance on his face.
"What?!"
Iruka and Anko laughed harder.
"That's rich coming from you Genma" The purple haired kunoichi wheezed between guffaws "Everyone and their mother knows you are the worst gossip in the village."
The honey haired man scowled. "That may be true, but it doesn't stop me wanting to know why they want the information."
The academy Sensei was the next speak "Well knowing who their team leader is I guess it has something to do with Kakashi. What did he try and bribe you with?"
The three teenage ninjas just stood their and gaped. Naruto and Sakura had forgotten just how perceptive their former Sensei could be. Sai looked mildly impressed, but the three remained silent not wanting to incriminate themselves.
Iruka smiled "And also knowing your team leader I'm thinking he told you not to tell people why you were asking?" He raised an eyebrow to punctuate the statement.
Team Kakashi remained silent.
"I'll take that as a yes then. It's okay because we figured it out; he can't hold it over your heads. Although if he tries I'll be happy to knock him into place."
The teens still remained silent looking somewhat confused.
The brunette laughed "You forget who assigns him his missions. I could have him doing solo D ranks for the next three months. So come on you guys tell me what this is all about?"
It didn't take them long to explain the whole of this insanity. The three adults looked shocked when the teens explained what was in it for them.
"Kakashi must be pretty confident if he'd offer to show you his face. Either that or he's planning something." Genma commented, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
"Kakashi may act the fool sometimes, but he certainly isn't one." Anko agreed folding her arms, a twisted smirk on her face.
"So are you going to help us or not?" Naruto voice was desperate.
"Sorry kid nothing to help with. I don't have a clue either and trust me that is something rather rare."
The teens gawked at the honey haired man, disbelief and anger etched across their features. Genma took an unconscious step back; he was after all dealing with two of the Sannin's prized students. Iruka and Anko sighed leaving the man to his fate, he'd dug his own and now he was going to fill it.
"Say what!" Angry waves of chakra began to emanate of Sakura in sharp spikes. "You mean you were leading us on the whole time?!"
The special Jounin went pale; he'd heard the rumours about the little pinkette. Most notably the fact that she had inherited her mentors monster strength and temper and was not afraid to use it.
"Um... Sorry...."
"Not good enough Genma-baka."
Sakura cracked her fist in a threatening manner, and all was not looking good for the poor man. The rest of the room looked on in amusement as Genma was taught a lesson in 'Why you don't piss Sakura off.' After a few minutes, a broken desk and several large holes in the wall later, Iruka finally decided to step in.
"Okay Sakura-Chan that's enough. I think Genma has learnt his lesson." The tone was bored but amusement glinted in the brown eyes.
The young woman stopped her rampage and grinned sheepishly at her former Sensei, stepping back from the thoroughly chastised man. Genma looked at Iruka with something close to gratitude in his eyes.
"Thanks Iruka. Didn't think I was going to survive that monsters rampage." He mouthed, unfortunately Sakura caught it too.
"What was that!?" The anger flared up again.
"Eeep."
"Sakura Haruno That is enough!" Iruka stepped in again, admonishing the Sannin's pupil as though she were still ten years old.
"Sorry Sensei."
The brunette smiled "That's better. Now I know this is going to seem like a stupid question but have you actually just asked Gai-Sensei?"
The three teenagers looked at each other nervously, the unanimous thought of 'Why didn't we think of that' echoing through their brains. Iruka chuckled at the blank look and assumed that the three teens in front of him had not thought of that particular idea. That was the problem with Ninjas, they overcomplicated things. Sometimes the best answer was the most obvious. Deciding to spare his former students any further irritations he grabbed his flak jacket off the back of his chair and motioned for them to follow.
"Come on I'll take you to Gai-Sensei's place. He should be home now."
They did so rather reluctantly and soon the office was empty save for one shit scared Genma and one amused looking Anko. The purple haired kunoichi moved over to her long time friend, an aura of mischief hovering around her.
"Oh what's with that look Anko? What are you plotting?"
Anko smiled innocently causing Genma to shudder. He'd already had enough dealings with scary women today to last a lifetime. Never mind that thing with Kurenai. Why did all women have to be so fucking insane?
"I'm not plotting anything I just know what that silver haired idiot is up to. Coming with?"
He contemplated the thought "You know what Kakashi's planning and that he's gonna make this interesting don't you."
"Yep. But I ain't spilling that would ruin the fun. Come on we need to get to Gai's"
Genma shrugged "Okay, could be fun."
And without further ado the two adults 'poofed' out of the missions' office.
~*~
The team of four sped across the rooftops of Konoha heading toward the Jounin apartments. The sun had set long ago and the stars twinkled over head bathing the village in pale light. Time was running short, the three teenagers knew it but they had to trust in Iruka-Sensei. After all he was the only one out of their odd party that actually knew where Gai lived.
"Iruka-Sensei, how do you know where Gai-Sensei lives?" Naruto asked curious.
Iruka chuckled "Again you forget Naruto-Kun. Missions' office, I know a lot of things about a lot of people. Including you three, now come on we're almost there."
They upped their pace speeding toward the expensive looking apartments, Sakura looked at them with envy. After about five minutes Iruka landed in a small courtyard. All around them it was silent, all the lights were out and it seemed as if there was no one at home. The four walked slowly toward the door, students following the Sensei. Iruka frowned it was never normally this quite. Gai was a notoriously loud person that included his home life.
Something didn't sit right.
It was then that they heard it.
*Grunt*
Iruka's lent his head against the wooden front door, what the hell was going on? The three teens followed suit and listened in.
"That's it Gai HARDER PUSH HARDER!"
Four sets of eyes went wide; there was no mistaking that voice.
Kakashi Hatake.
Screaming for Gai to go harder.
All four listeners went astoundingly pale and it didn't end there.
"Oh my God Gai you're such a Beast." Anko's voice rang through the door.
"Come on I'm almost there." Kakashi again.
"So close Gai, so close." Anko.
There was a number of heated grunts from all three parties, causing the voyeurs to gape in sheer embarrassment. They wanted to move away but had found their feet rooted to the spot, unable to escape this truly horrifying situation. Iruka's face was beet red whilst his two ex-students looked ready to faint; Sai looked distinctly uncomfortable, if not a little confused. But still it continued.
"Come on Gai you gotta beat it. " Kakashi moaned.
"That's it Gai beat it hard!" Anko voice was practically a scream
"That's it I'm there..." There was a long breathy moan. "Aaaaa done."
Another long moan this time Gai's voice spoke out "Me too."
Anko's screams began to get louder "Oh YEAH BOYS!!!"
There was a sound of bodies collapsing to the floor.
This was the final straw, too much unneeded information and too many horrible mental images had overloaded both Naruto's and Sakura's brains and both of them crumpled to the floor. Iruka looked down at his two former students, his face still red in humiliation. Finally having been freed from whatever had been paralysing them the Sensei scooped up Naruto, asking Sai to grab Sakura. He picked up the young woman and they began to move away from the house of horrors. Iruka was somewhat glad that the root ANBU was slightly dense as to what was going on. He also made a mental note to give Kakashi an earful the next time he saw him.
Okay maybe not the next time.
Maybe once he'd scrubbed the mental images of... that out of his brain.
He sighed, like that was ever going to happen. The brunette doubted he was ever going to be able to look the guy in the face ever again.
~*~
Inside Gai's home Kakashi still fully clothed lay spent on his rival's floor, a smirk of demonic proportions gracing his features. He felt the chakra signatures move away and felt laughter bubbling in his chest. The silver haired Jounin only wished he'd been able to see the looks on their faces. His team he'd been expecting, but having the mother hen present for the spectacle was just the icing on the cake. He glanced across at Anko, who was also still clothed, her lips twitching in supreme amusement.
That was when he broke.
Laughter poured forth from his lips, uncontrollable unrestrained and genuine. Anko burst into laughter along with Genma, who had refused to participate but had enjoyed the stunt all the same. In the centre of the room Gai just looked incredibly confused. He couldn't understand his eternal rival's reaction and he voiced his concern.
"Eternal rival, just what is so humorous? You have lost our push ups challenge that leaves me in the lead."
Kakashi continued to howl rolling around the floor as if he'd never laughed before in his entire life. Slowly after about ten minutes he began to regain his composure, only to be confronted by a slightly miffed Gai.
"Well Kakashi, just what is so funny?"
Kakashi smirked "I'll tell you another time Gai."
Anko and Genma just grinned smothering their laughter under their hands. Kakashi knew he was so going to be in trouble over this, but if tomorrow proved as entertaining as today. It was worth it.
Most certainly.
~The End~
A/N: YAY FINISHED!!! This has been a trial to write and I still think it isn't all that great but writing the voyeur bit amused the shit outta me. So it's not all bad. I love writing evil Kakashi though. ^_^. But I suppse I didn't really answer the question did I..?... Ah well. Reviewers shall be showered with chocolaty goodness.
