Chapter One
Conditional Acceptance

Kate Beckett got out of her NYPD issue Dodge Charger with her heart wracked with guilt. She had bungled the entire matter of the job offer in DC badly from the very beginning and she knew it. Her talk with her dad had only made things worse instead of better, made the decision about whether to take the job in DC or stay here in New York City with every one and everything she knew even harder.

Part of her really, really wanted the job. The part of her that wanted bigger and better things, the part of her that felt she deserved bigger and better...deserved...more out of her life than soul crushing sadness and the perpetual hunt for her mother's killer.

The part of her that Richard Castle had dug and rooted around in her for when he first walked into her life. The part of her that he had picked, prodded and cajoled out of her for the fist four years they worked together. The part of her that he dragged back into the sunlight and nourished with his love and his boyish too-big heart until it bloomed into life and made her realize that there could be more for her in this world.

And how had she thanked him for everything he had done for her? For giving her back her life and making her realize she deserved more could be more?

By doubting him, doubting the courage of his convictions, questioning his motives and his love for her. For not giving him enough of the benefit of the doubt to even share her misgivings about their relationship with the one man who could clear them all up.

By giving more weight to his egocentric, flighty, wretched excuse for a mother of an ex wife Meredith, and Erik Vaughn, a man who knew exactly what to say to push her buttons, but really only wanted to get into her pants.

Not the man who loved her. Who saw something in her, even when she was hollowed out and broken. Even when she threw herself into the arms of men she didn't love. Four years ago she would have jumped in bed with Vaughn without a backward look.

She had listened to them instead of the man she trusted with her life. The man who had saved her in ways she couldn't even begin to fathom, the man who had been right there by her side for five years. Who had signed waivers with the NYPD to follow her around who had signed his life away to stand by her side, who had risked his life with her and for her time and again, almost heedless of his safety.

His own words from a year ago echoed in her brain.

"Because of everything we've been through together! Four years, I've been right here! Four years waiting for you to just open your eyes to see that I'm right here!"

He helped her get to this point in her life where she believed she deserved more and he never asked her for anything but her love in return and it had taken standing on a ticking time bomb for her to even speak the words. He had been safe yet he came back and refused to leave her to die alone, in spite of his Mother and his daughter, he had come back. And yet she had believed Meredith over her own heart.

Even more recent words rang in her ears. Words that were filled with anger and heartbreak,

"You knew what this could mean and it didn't occur to you to include me. Or worse, it did occur to you and you chose not to. Now what does that say about us?"

Even now she doesn't really understand why she had kept this such a secret, why she didn't include the people who had become family in the decision making process, or even more shamefully, the man she loves. The hurt, anger and heartbreak that ebbed from him in waves as he walked out of her apartment that night still had her stomach twisting in knots.

She had assumed he had been losing interest because he kept secrets from his past from her, wouldn't open up to her. Thought that he didn't want more, based solely on one night's lapse in attentiveness after four years of hard work getting here and a vague question she had asked him when his mind was elsewhere. Because he was too ashamed talk about a plagiarized term paper from when she was still in the fifth grade.

Something that she could see now had obviously been dredged up because he was, in fact, thinking about what he wanted for their future but was too afraid to say anything lest he upset the delicate balance of their "relationship." A relationship she had insisted they hide from everyone they knew and outright deny existed for the first six months they were together, which she knew he hated doing, but he endured it, simply because she asked it of him and he could deny her nothing. Because he loved her.

But she had been equally guilty of the same damn thing, and for a lot longer. She kept her fears to herself, outright lied to him about important, life changing decisions that effected them both, ones he had every right to know about and yet he never gave up on them. Never before used it as an excuse to cut bait and run. He always came back, no matter how shabbily she treated him or how much she took him for granted.

"...we kiss and we never talk about it. We almost die in each others arms, and we never talk about it. So no, Kate, I have no idea what we are."

Even when he didn't know what they had, he still kept coming back. Still kept trying. She felt like such a hypocrite. When had she forgotten the definition of the word always?

She sat down on the swing facing him so she could look into his eyes.

"I'm sorry " she said, pausing a moment so he could see the sincerity of her contrition. "I shouldn't have kept secrets."

His expression never flickered, never wavered, but his sadness and pain were leaking out of his eyes and it was killing her that she had been the one to put that pain there, had built this wall that was now between them.

"It's who you are." the monotone of his voice so unlike his usually animated demeanor it was like a stake though her heart. "You don't let people in. I had to scratch and claw for every inch."

He was right and she knew it, which had made it even more heart rending to hear.

"Castle..." she tried to interject but he stopped her.

"Please, let me finish." it was the hollowness and defeat in his tone that silenced her, not his plea to hear him out. Killing the words she was going to speak before she could mouth another syllable. Watching him stare straight ahead as if he couldn't bear the sight of her anymore, which was slowly choking the life out of her.

'Have I finally done it? Have I finally driven him too far, broken his heart one too many times? Is he finally done with me?'

That thought brought tears welling up in her eyes which she kept them from falling by sheer force of will alone. The idea that she had finally, truly broken him and in the process, broken them beyond repair filled her with immense sorrow.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about us,about our relationship, what we have, where we're headed."

Kate sat transfixed, not sure she wanted to hear what was coming next, she was dreading it, but she couldn't look away.

"I've decided I want more." Her heart throbbed in her chest and she felt her breathing began to hitch as he continued.

"We both deserve more."

"I agree." she replied, her heart clenching in her chest as she waited for the dreaded words he had spoken the last time one of her issues came between them, "This is...over, Kate, I'm done."

"So whatever happens...whatever you decide..." she could feel the sob rising in her chest, the tears gathering behind her eyes as he slowly rose to his feet, but inexplicably dropped to one knee, his hand slipping into his jacket pocket.

"Katherine Houghton Beckett...will you marry me?"

'Wait...what? What did he just ask me?'

She sat there on the swing for a moment, dumbfounded, not sure she had heard what she thought she had. She blinked twice expecting the scene to change to one of him walking away, defeated, only to see Castle still there, on bended knee, a beautiful, tasteful engagement ring in his hand, and what looked like love and hope in his eyes for the first time since their fight last night.

Kate opened and closed her mouth several times before she overcame her shock and her heart answered his question before her mind could collect itself to intervene.

"Yes, oh God, yes, Castle." she said, her voice just barely above a whisper, a single tear breaking lose to slide down her cheek.

Castle's face broke out into a smile for the first time in days as he slipped the ring onto the appropriate digit on her left hand. A smile so absolutely adorable that she had to return it as the moment his her and she was suddenly able to breathe again as he pressed his lips to hers, it had only been a day and she couldn't believe how much she missed the simple connection of his lips on hers.

Richard Castle had proposed, and she had accepted. But all of a sudden the 800 pound gorilla was back, looming over them. The reason why they were here on these swings in the first place.

"Castle, they offered me the job, told me it was mine if I wanted it."

The sudden, crestfallen look on his face as he rose and sat on his swing again made her heart clench in her chest, this was a beautiful moment and she'd somehow ruined it. She knew she had to act fast if she were to salvage this, as she moved from her swing to sit in his lap and drape her arms around his as if holding his breaking heart together with her own body.

"I turned them down, Rick. It was a wonderful opportunity, and a few years ago I might have jumped at the chance at having federal resources at my disposal, but the cost of accepting it now was simply too high."

"Oh, Kate...you didn't have to turn it down...I love you, and I would have followed you anywhere."

Kate sighed. 'that beautiful thoughtful adorable man, he just doesn't get it' she thought, and kissed him on the temple before continuing.

"I know you would have Rick, but you shouldn't have to. I never realized how much you have already done for me, how much you have quietly suffered on my behalf. I simply couldn't ask that of you, not over a job I'm not even sure I want anymore."

"What do you mean, Kate?" Rick asked, clearly confused.

"When I interviewed there, the place was cold and sterile, it had no sense of family. The AG couldn't even bear the thought of looking at a colleague's baby pictures." Kate explained,

"It didn't really become clear to me until I was interrogating our suspect, that the 12th Precinct was my home, You, Ryan, Esposito, even Captain Gates were my family. I didn't need that job to fulfill some need anymore, not when my family and everything I need is right here."

Kate lowered her head until her forehead was pressed to his and they sat there in silence for several minutes feeling more complete than either of them had in several days. Neither one of them wanting to be the first to speak for fear of ruining this moment of sweet communion.

In the end it was Castle who spoke first.

"So, Kate, when do you want to do this? Do you want big and fancy? Small and intimate? Church or Justice of the peace? Just name it, tell me what you want and I'll make it happen." she could feel the sincerity in Ricks words, but didn't let herself be pulled back into the blissful cocoon their world had been in all year.

"Rick, we can't do this yet...get married I mean." she said, and for the second time his joy began to ebb into melancholy and heartbreak as if a switch had been flipped.

"You don't want to? Did I say something wrong, was it too much, what did I do?" she could feel the panic rising in his voice before she cut him off with a kiss to his lips.

"You know I do, I said yes, didn't I?" she replied softly.

"Then what do you mean, Kate?" Rick asked, confused again.

"Rick, we don't communicate as well as we should hell sometimes we barely communicate at all. We've been using eye contact, subtle gestures and subtext for so long that we think we can read each others minds, but we can't." Kate breathed.

"I was having doubts about us since Meredith stayed at the loft, but I didn't think to discuss them with you. Instead I asked Meredith questions I should have been asking you. Confiding in people like Eric fucking Vaughn instead of confiding in you. You said it yourself I don't let people in, and I keep secrets or, like my dad told me recently, I turn tail and run when things get too hard."

"I obviously have you so afraid to open up to me for fear I might bolt on you, that the mere thought of asking for more out of our relationship gives you nightmares and has you talking in your sleep about stuff you put behind you before I hit puberty. Not to mention the fact that you have issues of your own due to your failed marriages that weigh you down and make you hesitant to take the next step."

"Rick, if we are going to actually make our marriage work, that needs to change or getting married will be a complete disaster."

Rick thought about what Kate was telling him for a moment, and it did make perfect sense. He had never put this much thought into either of his previous marriages and now it almost made sense why they failed. He hadn't been ready to get married, and his heart was never really in either one.

"What do you suggest?" He asked.

"In addition to his services to the NYPD," Kate replied, "Dr. Burke has a thriving private practice. One of his services is as a coupes therapist. I used him as a sounding board for our relationship after I came back from disability almost as often as I did for my PTSD."

"Do you think it will help?" Rick asked.

"Well he did a pretty good job helping me with my wall." Kate replied.

"No complaints there." Rick stated with a weak smile.

"Okay, Rick, I'll set it up,"

"I love you, Kate, I want our marriage to work. I want us to work." Rick told her, hugging her to his chest fiercely.

"I love you too, Rick. I want this more than I've wanted anything in my life."

Kate looked down at the ring on her left ring finger. It was a symbol of Rick's commitment to a real future. One that looked even closer and brighter than it did even twenty four hours ago when she had been flying back from DC. They could do this, put in the time to make themselves as a couple whole to have a future together, just like she had done last year making herself whole to be with him.

All they had to do was quietly put in the work.