Isaac

If you are a person who suffered at the hands of cancer the chances are that when your doctor calls you into his office your blood will run cold. This is at least true for people like me who have the kind of cancer that seems to like taking up residence in my DNA.

I know that my mom is panicking too, but on true for she isn't mentioning it. She just took my brother to a friend's house, and packed me up into the car. When my second eye had been removed a year ago she has to strap me in like a child after I had tried and failed five times. She was very gentle doing it as she has been when I was growing up, telling me that it would take time to adjust.

Now, nearly a year later I have adjusted, at least enough to function mostly on my own. Mom still needs to help me get from place to place, and we are still deciding what I am going to do about that. One of the weird stick things or a dog, which as luck would have it I am allergic to. When I asked Hazel about this she told me that I should just get a horse to lead me around.

She offered to come with me to this appointment, but I wouldn't let her. I'd rather not have my best friend watch me break down into pieces yet again. Not when she already has it so much worse than me. She is one of the truly brave cancer survivors that I have ever met. Not for fighting, anyone can fight but for keeping optimistic through everything she has been for. Refusing comfort or help from anyone who isn't already emotionally invested. I am glad that that small group of people now includes me.

I am lost in memories of Hazel, Augustus and even Monica when my mom pulls up outside the hospital. We both walk in bursts of speed. Not wanting to get there and then speeding up when we realise we just want to get this over with. I used to kid myself that there would be good news at the end of this walk, but after losing both of my eyes to cancer I don't think that anymore.

We are ten minutes early, and we sit on the stupidly uncomfortable plastic chairs outside Dr Abel's office. I fiddle with the hem of my top, worrying it within my fingers. Maybe the cancer that used to affect just my eyes started to spread before they removed my eyes. Maybe they just missed it on the scan. I had thought I was one of the lucky ones, well as lucky as you can when you've been blinded by the whole thing. Definitely lucky compared to Hazel, who has lost more than I can imagine losing to this disease; a boyfriend, her teenage years and a normal school life.

'Isaac Lewis,' The Doctors voice made me rigid, and it took a while for me to realise that I had to move now. I let my mum help me up and lead me to the office.

When we were both sat down I braced myself to be told bad news. As a result what he actually said caught me off guard.

'How are you Isaac?' he asked, which caught be off guard. Isn't that what he is supposed to be telling me? Surely he called me in to discuss the results from my last scan.

'Fine I guess,' I say warily.

'How are you coping?' I nearly sigh, and if Hazel were here I would have. This is typical of the questions I am asked all the time by well-meaning but insincere idiots. They think they are being subtle but I know what they are really asking. Are you cool with being blind now? Frankly no I'm not, but I answer the question he's asked instead of the one he's implied.

'Well I think. My mom helps me out a lot and so do my friends.'

I imagine him nodding at my answer. It's something I've started to do a lot recently. Imagining the visual reactions have to what I say. He doesn't say anything for a while, and I hear him sort through papers and my mom's soft anxious breaths beside me.

'As you know Isaac you have a very rare blood type which means that certain things are difficult to do in terms of care.' I just grunt in response, 'That is why we haven't discussed this particular option before. We didn't want to create false hope where there might not be any.'

'What are you talking about?' My mother asks, obviously getting impatient with all the secrecy and evasion.

'Mrs Lewis recently we have found an organ donor with the same blood type as your son. This means that we can give your son, in laymen's terms, an eye transplant.'

He is silent then, giving us a moment to absorb the life changing news he has just delivered.

'Could they get cancer too?' I ask in a shaky voice. The only thoughts running around my head are that I will be able to see that picture Augustus made Hazel take, and how I wish she had been in the picture and then that Gus was wrong about robot eyes so no seeing through girls tops for me.

'It is a risk,' he says, 'but highly unlikely. On one hand you could have a relapse, but that could happen regardless of whether we do the transplant or not. On the other hand this will involve more surgery and that in itself holds its own risks. It would be perfectly understandable if you didn't want to go through this again.'

'I want to do it.' I blurt out. I'd have to be an idiot to turn this down. I want to see faces again; my mother, my brother, Hazel. I almost think Monica but the more I do the more I think of how she didn't even all after my whole world fell apart. How she lied when she said always. It's been a long time, and the anger I used to feel about it is gone. She isn't worth my anger, especially not this long after the event.

'Isaac honey, are you sure.' My mum puts a hand on my shoulder and I turn my head to the approximate direction of her voice and nod.

'I'll give you a few days to think on it,' The doctor says anyway,' I need to be sure that it's a well thought out decision before you sign anything.'

The rest of the meeting goes by quickly. He gives my mom leaflets and tells me websites on which I can find more information on what I could expect from a procedure like this, even talking me through what will happen in the surgery. I don't understand half of what he says. I am giddy. I thought I would be blind for the rest of my life. It feels like a reprieve and really that is what it is.

My mom tries to talk to me on the way home. I don't understand why she has so many reservations about this. I would have thought she'd jump at the chance not to have to lead me everywhere.

'Why are you against this?' I ask her finally, interrupting something about the risks, and thinking through my options. She stops and sighs deeply, as though the weight of the world is on her shoulders.

'I don't want to go through it again,' she says sadly, 'I don't want you to go through this only to get sick again at the end of it and … Isaac I don't want to take the chance of losing you again.

Of course she doesn't. I'm an idiot not to have thought of it before.

'Mom,' I say gently, 'there's still a chance it could come back. I could get sick again and they'd have to do something else to treat me. I just want to see again, if only for a little while.'

She sighs again, but this time it's more resigned.

'I'm behind you no matter what. We all are.' I smile and say what I have said to her so many times over the last few awful years.

'I love you mom,'

'I love you too. Do you want to go to see Hazel?'

'Of course.' I cannot wait to tell her. She will be happy for me I know it. There is a chance she will be asleep. What with still having cancer the girl sleeps at strange times.

It doesn't take long to get to her house. My mother helps me out f the car and together we walk to the doors. I hear the doorbell ring as she presses it. Then I hear is again. Apparently no one is home. Probably Hazel's mom has remembered an occasion to celebrate. She very rarely gets any forewarning before she is pulled into a celebration.

'Do you want to wait?' my mom asks and I shake my head.

'No. I'll just call her later.


There are not nearly enough of there stories, at least I don't think so anyway.

I hope you'll enjoy it. The next chapter will be from Hazel's POV

Please review it, I'd love to know what you think.