Disclaimer: I don't own any LoTR people.
Warning: This is not my fault. I have been spending too much time up late at night and talking to my friends who have strange senses of humor. Be nice when you review.

Gandalf was very frazzled as he drove the huge pink and orange hippie bus down some random street.
"MERRY! PIPPIN! STOP SCREAMING!!!" he yelled, trying to concentrace on the road. He was getting irritated, but he thought he could handle it for a while longer.
"Why don't you just let me drive?" whispered a sly voice behind him. Gandalf's first thought was to smack him in the face with his staff, but he was rather sick of driving.
"What's in it for you, Wormtongue?" Wormtongue looked around to see if anyone was watching.
"Eowyn..*dreamy sigh*" Gandalf couldn't take it any more and smacked Wormtongue blindly, but managed to hit him all the same. Wormtongue sulked and look at Eoywn. Who was looking at Aragorn. Who was making out with Arwen in the backseat. Eowyn was frowning, but was suddenly snapped out of it by Faramir, who was sitting with her. He tapped her on the shoulder.
"Eowyn?? Hello?? Focus!" She turned around and he leaned in to kiss her. She frowned at his ugly face coming towards her, stubble invading his chin. Aragorn's stubble, however, was great. It was manly. It was sexy. It was. she had to abandon the thought to dodge Faramir, and then looked sadly back at Aragorn.
A few seats in front of him, for the thought of having two people making out in back of you is rather frightening, sat Frodo, alone. Since the ring had been destroyed, he had a plastic one around his neck that he had gotten from a McDonalds Happy Meal. He stroked it and called it his precious, but it just wasn't the same. He sighed depressingly. Suddenly he heard a voice behind him.
"Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!" Sam suddenly appeared next to him, with his knapsack on his back, even though he didn't need it anymore.
"Mind if I sit down?" he asked, and Frodo nodded silently, and went back to staring at his ring. There was an akward silence. Frodo was paying no attention to Sam, and did not know what was happening until he felt something on his knee. He looked down to see Sam's hand.
"Sam?" Frodo asked, raising his eyebrows.
"I'm, I'm sorry Mr. Frodo, it won't happen again," Sam said apologetically, pulling his hand back.
"Okay then. Be sure that it doesn't. Here, take my cloak for me and hang it up, will you?," he added, handing Sam a lump of cloak. Sam nodded, and when Frodo turned around, he sniffed it deeply, taking in the aroma that was a mix of Frodo and Old Spice cologne. Frodo turned again, hearing Sam's loud snuff, and gave him an odd look.
"I, I'm sorry, I thought I smelled. casserole on it."
"Right." Frodo resumed his watch out the window, now bored of the ring. Sam eyed Frodo. He twitched. Self control, self control! He told himself. Slowly he put his hand back on Frodo's knee. And he moved it up to his thigh. And.
"Sam!! What are you doing!!" cried Frodo, seizing Sam's hand and throwing it back at him. Sam lunged forward and kissed Frodo, who, taken by surprise, pushed him off violently so that he flew into the aisle.
"SAMWISE!!! NOTHING ALLOWED IN THE AISLE!!!" Gandalf screeched. Sam scrambled into the seat across from Frodo.
"I'm sorry! I couldn't help it! I thought I saw, uh, casserole on your lip!!" he said in self defense.
"Wow, that was a little too close for comfort, buddy. Maybe we should get you some casserole before something like that happens again."

Eowyn suddenly snapped out of it as she heard the word 'casserole'. She tore her eyes away from Aragorn and dashed over to sit in back of Frodo, and leaned over the seat.
"Did I hear casserole??"
"Um. yes. why.???" Frodo asked suspiciously.
"I make great casserole! I am the best cook ever! Just ask anyone!!" Sam looked at her funny. Frodo wasn't sure what to do. He had heard of her infamously horrible soup from Aragorn.
"Ask Strider. I will go with what he says," Frodo said, thinking he was being sly. Eowyn's eyes lit up at an excuse to go talk to him.
"Okay! I will be right back." She scurried off and sat in front of the couple.
"Um, Lord Aragorn?" she said quietly. He did not notice.
"*clears throat* Aragorn." He still did not look at her.
"Excuse me, please!! Aragorn. um, 'scuse me??" He was still fastened to Arwen at the mouth, and Eowyn was getting pissed off. She was about to yell when suddenly Aragorn's leg came out of wherever it was and slipped into the aisle.
"ARAGORN!!!! GET YOUR $#%@*!# FOOT OUT OF THE AISLE!!!!" at this his head popped up and he looked around in horror. He had seen what Gandalf had done to an unlucky elf that had crossed his path after he had lost miserably at a game of bingo. That elf would never be the same again. He quickly pulled his foot back in.
"Aragorn?" Eowyn asked. His head spun around to look at her.
"Ahh! What? I thought I told you I couldn't give you what you wanted!!"
"Yes, well, we'll see about that. ANYway, I was wondering, don't I make a good casserole?" Aragorn was not sure what to say. He did not want to hurt her feelings, as sensitive as he was, but he did not want to lie either. Saying it was horrible would even be a lie. It was scarring.
"Um.. well.. it's very. special." Suddenly Arwen gained her senses again, and looked at Eowyn in confusion.
"What did you say?"
"Casserole." Arwen looked taken aback.
"Asshole?" Her ears were still ringing from the intense make-out session, so she was not quite hearing as well as elves normally do.
"Casserole!"
"How dare you!!"
"No, no, casserole," Aragorn said. Arwen was hurt.
"I'm hurt," she said, just to drive the point home.
"No, Arwen, she said CASSEROLE," chimed in Faramir and Wormtongue (who had somehow migrated to where Eowyn was), who were both listening in and were trying to defend Eowyn's point.. Arwen was now in tears, because she thought that Faramir and Wormtongue and even Aragorn thought she was a piece of elvish ass. She ran to the front of the bus to be sad. Aragorn was very depressed, and glared at Eowyn.
"See what you've done??" he said, and proceeded to chair-hop up to the front of the bus, because if he walked in the aisle Gandalf would surely murder him. Eowyn stared after him. She turned around slowly and found Faramir and Wormtongue in her face.
"I'm sorry, my love."
"Yes, if you want us to, we will kick that pansy Aragorn's booty!!"
"Wormtongue, you couldn't kick anyone's booty."
"Shut up Faramir!"
"I apologize for him, my love. Both of them."
"Hey, she's MY love!"
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"Minemineminemineminemineminemine! Hey, I just had a Finding Nemo spaz! Haha." Eowyn shook her head in disgust and pushed them out of the way. She came back to Frodo, who was sleeping. Sam was on the edge of his seat, staring intently at him, and breathing deeply. He crossed over into the aisle by the tip of an eyelash and.
"SAMWISE!! DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE!!!" Sam snapped back and glared at Eowyn, who was walking in the middle of the aisle, and muttered something about Gandalf being sexist.
"Frodo?" she asked, ignoring Sam. Frodo woke up and groggily asked,
"What?"
"I asked Aragorn about my CASSerole."
"Oh. How did it go?"
"Not so well," she frowned.
"Okay, did he say if he liked it?"
"Hmm. he said it was special." All of a sudden Aragorn landed on Frodo's head and smushed him.
"Aragorn!" Eowyn breathed. "What are you doing?"
"Chair-hopping," he replied, and jumped over the next chair. Frodo sat up again. Eowyn sighed.
"I'm going to leave now."
"Um, okay." She left to go sit by herself and read Chicken Soup for the "King's Niece Who Is In Love With Aragorn"'s Soul. Sam decided to make another move and sit next to Frodo. Merry and Pippin sensed this from another seat in the bus.
"Okay. Which one of us is reporting to the Crime Scene?" Merry asked.
"Me. I'm shorter!"
"Fine. Here. take this. Operation Whoopee Cushion has commenced." Pippin took the big red whoopee cushion and scrambled across this floor of the bus until he came to Frodo's seat. Unbeknown to either Sam or Frodo, Pippin carefully slipped the device of torture into the seat next to Frodo, and slithered back to his own seat. He and Merry listened with baited breath. Silence. Then.
"Hullo, Mr. Frodo. Sorry about before. Mind if I-" *REALLY REALLY LOUD WHOPEE CUSHION NOISE*
"Ahh! Sam!! What was that!!"
"I, I'm sorry! It wasn't me, I swear!"
"SAMWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!! IF YOU CAN'T HOLD IT IN, GET OFF THIS BUS!"
"I think you should lay off the casserole, buddy." Sam ran up to another seat, putting the whoopee cushion next to him. Suddenly Aragorn chair-hopped into that seat, producing a short, quick whoopee cushion noise.
"Sam!!" Frodo whined. Merry and Pippin were beside themselves with laughter.
"STOP LAUGHING, MASTER PEREGRIN!!! AND STOP SCREAMING, MASTER BRANDYBUCK!"

Aragorn paid no heed to the chaotic goings-on of the bus. He was set on one thought. finding Arwen and making her understand that he did not consider her a piece of ass. And maybe making out afterwards. And maybe. ANYWAY, he finally got to the front of the bus, and she was not there. He cautiously tapped Gandalf on the shoulder.
"Gandalf??"
"WHAT!?"
"Um, have you seen Arwen?"
"Oh, yeah, she got off the bus a few minutes ago." Aragorn did a double take.
"What?"
"AAAAAAAARG THIS BUS DRIVER IN FRONT OF US IS HORRIBLE! HE WON'T MOVE A DAMN INCH!" Aragorn looked ahead and saw a blue and purple hippie bus in front of them.
"Can you let me off? I must look for Arwen."
"Fine." Gandalf opened the doors and booted him out. Aragorn picked himself up and dusted himself off.
"ARWEN!" he yelled. Suddenly he heard the creaking of bus doors, and saw someone emerge from the blue hippie bus, which was stopped in the middle of the road, little did Gandalf know. So Aragorn was not afraid of it leaving without him. Anyway, out of the blue bus came. Sauraman!! Aragorn cried out and covered his eyes. He was wearing blue shorts, a tie- dye Disney Land t-shirt, and a yellow visor. His legs were pale and hairy. And in his bony hands he held captive.. Arwen! Aragorn had to brave it and look at the horrible sight. He ran forward, but Sauraman just laughed and cackled and ran back into the bus with Arwen, who was bound and gagged. Aragorn hurried back into the pink bus, and yelled
"Follow that hippie bus!!" to Gandalf as the blue bus took off down the road. Sparked by the sudden chase, Gandalf picked up the walkie talkie and called Sauraman, knowing his number because the buses were from the same company. He yelled obsceneties at him, only stopping to ask who he had on the bus.
"He's got Arwen, Theoden, and an "army of terrible evil" on the bus!!" Gandalf cried. Eowyn gasped. Her daddy! Well kind of. Her uncley!! No0o0o0o0o! She decided to make certain sacrifices.
"Faramir, Wormtongue," she said. They appeared immediately. "I have a compromise. If you help me get back Theoden, I will." she gritted her teeth, ". take both of you out to dinner and a movie. Your choice of a movie."
"You really mean it!!" they both cried, their eyes shining like rabid little kids on Christmas.
"Sadly I do."
"Yay! Wormtongue, what movie do you think we should see!?"
"I was thinking, Sleepless in Seatle. That movie has such good morales, don't you think?"
"Oh! I love that movie! But I was thinking more on the lines of Peace and War. It's good and long."
"Ahhh, I see your point! Maybe we can watch both!!" They were silenced just conceiving the idea. Eowyn groaned.

Frodo was panicked. He felt the plastic ring against his chest growing heavier. His eyes grew wide with horror. and tears welled up in them as he remembered the good old days when that feeling was real. He burned with nostalgia for the climb up Mount Doom.. it had been so rousing.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam jumped from his seat into Frodo's and grabbed him in a cradle, and went on to drone about the taste of strawberries. Frodo frowned. This was about the only thing he did not miss about being corrupted.

Up in the front, Gandalf had a strange craving. He picked up the walkie talkie.
"Sauraman? Yeah, I was wondering. can we stop this chase for juuuuuuust a secamundo to go to McDonalds? I'm starving here. aw thanks. yeah, you too buddy. Buhbye." Aragorn stared at him in horror. Buddy? At any cost, they soon stopped at the McDonalds drive thru.
"Yes I'd like.. well let's think. Me, Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Eowyn, Faramir, and Wormtongue. That'd be 9. I'd like 9 cheeseburgers, and fries."
"That will be One Billion dollars, sir," the guy said.
"What the! Make that 9 Happy Meals."
"$5.83, sir."
"That's more like it." Gandalf loaded all the bags in and sped off. Nobody really ate the 'food' except Gandalf.
"Who wants my toy?" he asked between bites.
"Ooh! Mememe!" Sam cried. Everybody tossed their toys, which were all exactly the same, into the aisle near Sam. Coincidentally, all of their toys were plastic One Rings. Frodo twitched. But who was he kidding. He dove into the pile of rings and laughed manically. Gandalf was pissed and threw him out. Aragorn suddenly noticed the blue hippie bus parked not too far away, and jumped out himself. He ran over too it, ignoring Frodo who was petting all of his rings, and knocked on the door.
"Sauraman. I have the power to break down your bus, and give you a parking ticket. But I will not, if you let Arwen free. What say you?" Sauraman slowly appeared, and dragged Arwen with him.
"I have not enough strength to handle any more parking tickets." He opened his glove compartment and a steady flow of tickets poured out.
"But I cannot just let you have her back. Because then I would be a sissy. So here. you can have her, IF you can face my ARMY OF GREAT EVIL! HAHAHAHAHA!!" he stepped back and called forth his army. Aragorn stepped back as the bus shook. Suddenly, out came. 100 CLONES OF BRITNEY SPEARS!!
"Oops I did it again!" they chorused. Aragorn shrieked and covered his ears. It was too much to take. But he must press on. he slowly stood up, and prepared to knock them over, when Faramir and Wormtongue appeared!! Followed closely by Eowyn. They watched from the backround as Aragorn hewed all 100 of the enemy to the ground. He fell after the last one was perished, exhausted, sweaty and near to death with such a close encounter of the beast. Arwen and Eowyn both cried out.
"Let him go! And also my uncle!" Eowyn said. Sauraman laughed.
"Only if you can beat. the boss!" And suddenly, the original Britney appeared. Eowyn ran at her and pulled her hair and bit her and kicked her and clawed her, but with one might stroke, she was sent flying through the air. Britney advanced until she stood over her.
"You fool!" she said, her voice mega-phoning by 1000x. "No living teenybopper can kill me!" Eowyn stood up, deeply hurt, and said,
"I am no teenybopper." With that she held a lighter up and Britney melted until all that was left was a blonde wig and a belly-button ring. Sauraman frowned and beckoned for Eowyn to come inside and fetch Theoden, and he let Arwen go. She ran over to Aragorn and with some magic elvish power thing she made him re-strengthened.
"I'm sorry, my love, I did not really call you an asshole! I said casserole!" he said.
"I know! I forgive you!" And they started to make out again. Eowyn came back out of the bus pulling Theoden, and kicked Aragorn and Arwen.
"Let's go, we're getting back on the bus now!" They blushed, and got back on the bus, and resumed making out. So they were happy, and Wormtongue and Faramir were happy because Eowyn was happy, and Merry and Pippin were happy because they found tabac, and Sam was happy because someone had got Frodo back on the bus, and Frodo was happy because he got to keep all the plastic rings, and Gandalf was happy because Britney Spears was finally gone.

THE END OF CHAPTER ONE

Another chapter to come if reviews are good.. and if there is another chapter, legolas and gimli will appear.. and possibly others as well