Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Zun. The only things that belong to myself would be Usagi the mimic, and Moegi the japanese beetle. Everything else belongs to their rightful owner.

Yuuka: My, are you skipping things?

Author: Well, the idea came, and I just had to write it.

Yuuka: Did you not have a similarly interesting idea for... Ohh, what was it called...

Yukari: Phantasmagoria of Dim. Dream.

Yuuka: Such an odd name. But yes, that.

Author: How I wish I could write that, but, while this is effectively my story for the Impossible Spellcards portion of this series, that is too close to being made to skip to.

Yukari: Is that all?

Author: ...Also, this game is still relatively recent, and so it may garner attention to the rest of my stories while I'm getting back in the swing of things.

Yukari: My, you can be devious~

Author: I-I've been devious before!

Yuuka: Things that never happened don't count~

Author: Erk...

Yukari: But seriously, is it wise to do this?

Author: If it turns out poorly, I'll just have to retcon this story. Or, preferably, alter it.

Yukari: Well, at least you aren't quite doing what so many do: you have yet to entirely restart the whole series.

Author: ...Yukari, I've written 600,000 words. Even if it were characters, that would still be too much to just... redo.

Yukari: You are however planning on rewriting your favorite story.

Author: Well, yes. Memoir of the Little Lost Umbrella may be the best one of the lot, but it was a wasted opportunity in many ways.

Yukari: And you intend to fix that.

Author: Quite. But enough talk; let's get on with the show!


I blearily opened my eyes. Yep. Upside down, still. Why can't I stop sleeping like this? Contrary to what you would think, blood does still rush to your head when you're like that due to my power.

I yawned, rubbing an eye, before my world flipped, as I was accustomed to. I was no longer on the bottom of the tall tree's branch, but instead falling. It seemed like the end, and I embraced my fate as I careened toward to ground.

And, as such, my desire to make myself into a contrary little pate was enough to force my body to land in a crouch.

I hate my stupid body.

Of course, when I landed, I felt shock of pains once forgotten pain run up my legs.

I relished it.

It was a sign that my stupid little rampage was taking its toll on more than those around me.

"Stupid freaking legs..." Thank you, legs. Your sacrifice will not be forgotten for the rest of my life.

As short as it is sure to be.

Getting up, I stretched, lacing my fingers, and reaching upwards, letting the fingers bend backwards. I moaned in satisfaction.

Good lord does that hurt!

I looked to my hand, and learned that I had broken a finger at some point in the last day. "Dammit..." Yes... Yes! Please, weaken me more! Soon, I won't be able to use that infernal hammer! Sure, it's not the real thing, but it is quite large, and it is solid brass.

I tried to flip it between broken and not broken, but suddenly, I felt a horrible pain through the rest of my fingers as they snapped in unison.

The broken one, of course, had mended.

Chuckling with annoyance, I reversed the reversal, sighing happily as I felt the one snap anew. It seems the body has decided to that some things are best not made contrary.

Waving the hand around, I watched in irritation as the finger flopped around uselessly. Good, good, that'll weaken mβ€” Holy mother of god!

I tossed aside the useless finger, obviously enjoying this, contrary to what I really felt. I really freaking hate being a youkai sometimes.

No, wait, all the time.

Tapping my lip with my middle finger, what with the index finger having been discarded, blood flowing from the wound left in its wake. "Just when did I get this wound?"

That should be obvious. It was obviously when she hit you with that that onbashira!

Trying to snap, and failing due to loss of something very important for the activity, I said, "Ahh, that's right, that goddess."

Yeah, that's riβ€” Wait, did you hear me?!

Doing what had become my regular activity of the morning since this damned fool picked a fight with literally everyone, I began to check myself for injuries.

Frost burns in deep gashes from the fairy, a bruise from being slapped in the face by a tail fin, my ears are still ringing from that crazy echo, my neck hurts from being strangled by another neck, I got my hand bitten for trying to pet the ferocious werewolf, my eyebrows were still missing from that immortal's suicidal charge, my skull may have been cracked from a freaking headbutt, I got bitten by a freaking princess, I got clawed by a jiang shi, stabbed by a magical hair pin, still feel numb from that drum, feel as if I had my intestines plucked like strings, nearly died by being suffocated by a tail I didn't quite want to cuddle so much, lost some skin from those weird cameras, nearly drowned, feel a little crispy from the sparks, wonder how I wasn't hit once by someone that stops time, got bitten by snakes, very narrowly avoided being beheaded, was hammered through a wall while looking for sanctuary, was nearly suffocated again, was nearly sealed away, was rammed with a boat, was hit with onbashira, then was nearly flicked through a mountain, and to top it all off, I was hit across the face with a wok. A wok.

Clearly I was doing something right, much to my consternation. I was alive, after all.

Then again, to me, that was all wrong. I shouldn't be doing so well against the entire country. They must be growing complacent.

Or what if she's just that good?

Picking back up my sack of stuff, I slung it over my shoulder, a certain parasol in my hand. I opened it, and then suddenly there was an explosion on top of me.

Thankfully the parasol had taken me a distance away. "Well, well, well, what have we here? Another customer for my growing chain of restaurants?"

An older, more matured woman turned to face me, tears in her eye. Her hair was long and brown, while she wore her bog standard ajirogasa on top of it. Her robes β€” and calling them that is a stretch β€” were white and black, oddly accentuating her already attractive curves. Most monks would abhor such an outfit, and yet she wears it as if it were nothing. "If you turn to the light now, we need not do this, Seija!"

Snorting with derision, I replied, "Shouldn't you be bald?"

Flinching visibly, much to my annoyance, the monk replied, changing the subject "Please, just turn yourself in, and we can work something out!"

Crossing my arms, I replied, "You say that, but you attacked me the moment you saw me."

Shaking her head in denial, the monk replied, "No, no, no! I wasn't attacking you!"

Sneering, I offered, "You tried to seal me, then."

flinching again, she corrected, "I attempted to bind you."

Raising a brow, I asked, "What am I, a daemon?"

Shaking her head far less rapidly than before, she corrected again, "I was attempting to bind you in place."

Wanting to just get it over with, I asked with a sinister grin, "You weren't trying to set me free?" Wait, that actually sounds like what I want...

Taken by surprise, the monk asked, "What?"

Chuckling, the monster that I could call myself charged, the parasol lazily closed over one shoulder.

Backing off a bit, the woman shouted, holding a card aloft, "Binding Laws of Hari!" Suddenly that feeling that had become familiar by this point came into play: It felt like my heart was being tugged, as if a cord were drawn taught between it and something else, before suddenly the world around us became crystal clear, as if illuminated perfectly, yet not by any known light source. Finally, the typical barrier around us formed, sealing us away from interlopers.

As the odd wing-like slate of pure power was forming behind her, I opened the parasol, closing it around myself, and appearing right in her face. "One card, two hits!" Her eye widened. She obviously hadn't expected me to abuse the rules.

She doesn't know me too well, does she?

I reached into my bag, withdrawing my trusty, comically large hammer, and swung, but was surprised when she suddenly taught me why fighting a monk in hand-to-hand is a terrible idea: she blasted me back with a bone-shattering open palm strike.

I smashed into the wall almost as soon as I took the first hit of our duel, my ears having narrowly survived the ensuing sonic boom, mostly due to the rules being in play.

There was malice radiating from the monk as she caught the hundred pound hammer effortlessly, before she blinked in surprise. "Goodness, did I do that? I really must stop doing that!"

Spitting out a bit of blood from biting my cheek, I slowly rose, a wide, triumphant grin on my face.

The glyphic slate behind her began to tremble, before cracking and shattering. Looks like I broke her trance!

Fantastic...

Looking over her shoulder as the slate fell to pieces, the woman sighed. "...While I would call it foolish to risk your health just to break my spell, it looks like I still have room for improvement..."

Grinning wickedly, I demanded, "Now, hand over that fancy scroll of yours!"

Blinking, the woman laughed awkwardly.

Furrowing my brow, I shouted, "What's so funny?!"

Sighing, she more thought aloud than actually answered, "It seems that today is my lucky day: I'm not capable of complying, for it is not on my person, which means..." She smiled darkly. "You have used your request."

The dawning realization hit me like my hammer might crush a nut. Before I could declare anything, she declared, "One spellcard, one hit!" Once more she held the card aloft. I knew I wouldn't be taking her by surprise again. That might cost me. "You will not evade justice so easily!" The card glowed brighter than the last, mirroring her determination, as was typical. Atypical was the way her hair took on a purple gradient glow. "Eyes of Brahma!" Suddenly I felt the tell tale signs of a duel starting, again.

The slate of raw glyphic mana materialized behind her once more, as if it were a guardian angel. I knew that it would be a fool's errand to repeat the previous trick.

I did hope I would try, though.

Suddenly, bladed white stars began to spin dangerously toward me, and I couldn't help but gulp. Sure, the rules still made it non-lethal, but those things were as big as my chest.

It actually wasn't as bad as I expected.

And then I was proven wrong, lasers beginning to fire from the four turrets of the 'wings'. I tried to dodge to the side, expecting them to head strait towards me, only to be surprised when they curved towards where I dodged to, as if predicting my movement. I narrowly avoided the laser, mostly due to the fact that it didn't seem to actually be seeking me out, and let out a sigh of relief, cut short by the death-stars heading strait for me. I began flying to the side, only for the lasers to scythe by my head, which likely contained the power to remove it, if not for my saving grace of the rules.

Not that I was afraid, or anything.

Once more one nearly struck me down at high speeds, this time from the rear. I noted that there was a pattern with every pulse, and yet there was no pattern to that pattern.

I couldn't help but be amused by that contradiction.

I then realized the pattern behind the patternless pattern. It was in the rotation of the turrets. They had five curving magicannons each, and the turret itself was slowly rotating. If I can just figure out the trajectory, I can beat this.

Or, I could just cheat.

The moment the cannons began to fire again, I reversed the direction of the lasers, and...

There was an explosion that stunk of burnt magic. While the rules kept things with a consciousness from being destroyed in battle, the same couldn't be said for fake wings.

Next, just to add insult to injury, I fished out a helpful little buddy of mine, tossing it to Byakuren. The evil little doll proceeded to cling to her, and suddenly all magic in the area was drawn to her like flies to shit.

I sighed internally at winning yet again.

But, then, I hadn't landed a hit yet. As she was falling from being hit by more blades than is considered healthy, I charged up a nice big ball of magic, and I proceeded to chuck it at her.

There was a very pleasant smacking sound as it changed her trajectory, sending her careening into a sticker bush just as the barrier shattered.

She'll feel that in the morning.

Flying down, I called out, "Hey, hag, you still conscious?" There was a groan. "I order you to leave me alone for the next month!" I chuckled as I picked up my toys, heading off.

I have a good feeling about today, much to my consternation.