I do not own Twilight

This is a list of things Emmett is not allowed to do

List of things Emmett Cullen is forbidden from doing

You are not a cop! Stop trying to arrest innocent civilians!

Stop stealing Chief Swan's uniform and badge

Do not go to confession at church and tell the priest you had sex with the deacon

Pears cannot learn ALGEBRA!

Stop creating armies of vampire squirrels…

…and ordering them to Jasper…

…or the school

DO NOT publish your own newspaper!

That says Jasper is looking for girls to be in Playboy and auditions are in the cafeteria during lunch!

That Edward and Bella are really a cover-up, and that Bella is with Alice, and Edward is with you (Emmett)!

STOP pretending to bite Bella! Especially when Edward is around!

Don't picture making out with Bella when Edward is around

Or what it would be like doing it with her- instead of Rosalie- when Edward's around

Replacing Edward's Debussy music on his iPod with songs like, "Smack That," "Sexy Back," and "I kissed a girl"

Stop telling people Carlisle got Bella PREGNANT!

Drop Rosalie's brush in the toilet and blame Bella (Great, a catfight!)

Take over the school's PDA system and talk about yours and Rosalie's sex life

Take pictures of yourself naked…

…Post them on the internet…

…and claim that Aro Volturi took them…

…and that Aro took them because Carlisle wanted them for 'personal' reasons

Take a photo of Edward and Bella kissing…

…And Photoshop Mike Newton's face onto Bella's body…

…Show the whole school the picture…

…And scream, "Edward and Mike Newton are GAY LOVERS!" all over the school, via the PDA system

Tell Bella that Edward had a couple of 'flings' with Tanya from the Denali clan

Tell Alice that Jasper told him he thinks she's fat

Claim he's spiderpig and climb the walls

Tell Alice she looks fat whenever she wears pink or yellow (causing her to re-paint her Porsche Turbo 911 a neon-green)…

…Then tell her you meant green when you said yellow

Wear Rosalie's bra's on your head to school

Send Aro Volturi a letter and a photo shopped picture of Caius and Marcus making out- causing the Volturi to chase the Cullen's and Bella for a while

Tell Mike Newton that Bella is secretly in love with him

Hang human's on the school's flag pole by their underpants

Steal Bella's clothes while she's taking a shower

Kiss Jasper in the cafeteria

Tell the whole school that Alice, Rosalie, and Bella have sex, threesome, all the time

Bejewel the butt on all of Edward's pants, and it says, "My butt is the property of Emmett Cullen"

Tell Bella that Edward died when he's really just running late to school

Tell Bella that before Esme joined the family, Edward and Carlisle had a gay relationship

Harass the employees at Wal Mart

Give all the girl's at school Edward's number and then claim Edward is secretly in love with them

Tell Jessica Stanley that Edward thinks she's sexy

Shove Bella's food into Jasper's mouth in the cafeteria, forcing him to eat it while humans watch

Run through the school screaming, "OH MY GOD! ALICE CULLEN HAS A GUN!"

Whip stuff at Mike Newton's face (unless he's hitting on Bella )

Stop using "O-M-G, GIRL! That is sooo BI-YATCH!" as a response to everything; including the answers to the questions your teacher's ask

Stop pole dancing…

…And using Edward or Jasper as your pole!

Stop making up your own songs…

…especially ones called "I kissed Jasper!"

And singing them over the PDA system at school

Stop following Mike Newton around…

…and telling him you're in love with him

Stop asking Bella if you can borrow some tampons very loudly in the cafeteria.