Block You Out
By J.H.Q.S.316
You're probably wondering what I feel now that I've been dumped flat on my ass by the boy that made me feel young.
No one knows what they have until it's gone; the damn saying is truer than I had hoped. Derrick Harrington had be captivated—nothing like the crush I had on Chris Abeley, or the mini crush on Cam Fisher.
First of all, I never knew Chris well enough to truly like him.
Second of all, I did know Cam but it was more of a sister-bother relationship but like most girls, I refused to buy the facts without a fight.
Derrick…as cliché as it gets, he was different. He didn't agree with whatever I said, he wasn't afraid of me. As a matter a fact, he traded in the jeans I got him for a pair of shorts in the winter…that movie itself was enough to prove he wasn't afraid of me—unlike most people.
Even if I didn't vent to Derrick, or share with him all my insecurities, I was still Massie Block—not The Massie Block, just plain old Massie. I didn't have to act confident around him, or be all flirtatious with him…I could be me. And apparently he liked me, for me.
He made me feel…young. Not a girl who had to act confident 24/7; a girl that could live her life without drama every corner you round or a total heartless bitch or picks on people less worthy of me.
I know I'm not nice to most girls—it makes me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only loser that can't have a perfect life, look, or friendship. And strange as it seems? Derrick made me realize this. Like he indirectly kicked me off my high horse (Brownie) and sat me on the floor. Like he chastised me for not being who I am with him.
And as I slide down the side of the counter of the Hamilton's kitchen, I feel the need to want to cry with my friends; not lock up my feelings. I want to cry, like a girl. I want to be able to be insecure like Claire without sounding pathetic.
I want to be able to be as naturally as beautiful as Alicia. Or as comical/brave as Dylan can be without caring. Or even I want to be able to be sporty and beautiful at the same time—like Kristen.
I'm in none of those topics, so perhaps that's why I stick with them. Not only are they human like me, but maybe I had hoped they would rub off on me and I'd be all of them as one perfect form…?
But now that the one person that caused this change leaves me, I feel lonely and mean. I feel useless and betrayed. Too much emotions for someone that is used to bottling up her feelings.
:::
"Block, you coming?"
"Don't call me 'Block'."
On the outside you'd think I didn't want anyone to call me 'Block' because Derrick did, and I was 'over' him. Lies… Part of the façade that I feign.
The truth? I feel my heart split each time someone does something like Derrick did. For instance calling me Block, that rips me apart. No one has to know that though.
:::
Maybe if I could just block out all this catastrophes by finally being myself? I couldn't. Everyone expects me to be perfect, the remake of a Goddess. Or the definition of Perfect.
The only person that didn't expect me to fall apart was him. He was the only one who saw me for me; weak for strong; sad to fakeness; or real to lies.
He knew…
But now he's gone.
And all the arguing that happens with him? Makes my days. Highlight of my days is making him laugh inside, or out. Making him happy.
The sad part?
He would never like me again—I'm not enough as usual per say.
The queer part?
I'm okay with that because, he had liked me for me. Not my clothes, my popularity or money, Massie for Massie. And if he did before? He can again.
Review?
-J.H.Q.S.316
