Author's Note: So, uh, yeah. I wrote this like 4 years ago and just found it on my computer. I figured I'd share it with whoever wants to laugh at my 12 year old self attempting to be funny. It leaves off partway through the first leg.
The Amazing Race: Brawl Edition
"Welcome to Smash Mansion, home of the smashers, and the starting point for The Amazing Race: Brawl Edition! I'm your host, to be referred to as the host," said the host. "From here, a whopping eighteen teams will start a race around the Nintendo world for one million dollars! The teams are..."
"Sonic and Fox, telemarketers for Sonic&Fox Inc.!"
Sonic and Fox
Telemarketers
Fox was talking into a phone. "Hello, this is Fox with Sonic&Fox Inc. We-"
The person on the other end of the phone interrupted. "Real creative name, haha! Who's your business partner? Let me guess, Sonic?"
Fox gasped. "Gasp! You're right! Are you a mind reader? What am I thinking about now?"
The person chuckled. "Whether I'm a mind reader."
Fox died of fright.
"Hello? Aren't you supposed to ask me to buy something? Hello?"
Sonic picked up the phone. "Hello, I'm Fox, NOT SONIC. Definitely not Sonic. I am the same person you talked to before. DEFINITELY."
The person laughed. "Hi, Sonic."
Sonic died of fright.
"Hello?"
"Nana and Pikachu, slave traders!"
Nana and Pikachu
Slave Traders
"I'm Nana!" said Nana sweetly.
"And I'm Pikachu, and we want to enslave you! BWHAHA!" said Pikachu, laughing maniacally.
"You fool, you weren't supposed to tell them that until later."
"BWAHAHAHAAH!" said Pikachu, walking around with his eyes spinning in circles.
"Pikachu?" Nana said in a warning tone.
Pikachu instantly snapped back to normal. "Yes?" he said, worried.
"Would you like to be my SLAVE?"
Pikachu dropped to the ground weeping. "Please, I'll do anything! Anything!"
"Wipe the audience's minds!" Nana commanded.
Pikachu put a blanket over the camera.
"Minds wiped!" said Pikachu triumphantly.
"You idiot!" said Nana, leaping onto Pikachu.
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY
"Olimar and Falco, secret deities!"
Olimar and Falco
Secret Deities
"I'm Olimarus," said Olimarus.
"And I'm Falco-us...That's a stupid deity name! Why can't I have something cool like 'Falco the Awesome' or-"
"Shh, you're not supposed to reveal that we're deities!" shouted Olimarus. "Oops..."
"Look, deities!" shouted the host.
The other teams pounced on Olimarus and Falco-us.
"Deity powers, ACTIVATE!" shouted Olimarus. The crowd flew into the sky. "See, mess with us, and that's what you get."
The host took their powers away.
"At least my name isn't Falco-us anymore!" said Falco brightly.
"NOOOO, I liked the name Olimarus!" said Olimar.
Olimar mourned for years about the death of his deity name.
"Marth and Ganondorf, father and son!"
Marth and Ganondorf
Father and Son
"I Marth!" shouted Marth happily.
"And I'm his son, Ganondorf! Wait, how the heck am I his son? I'm millenia old, and he's like 16!" Ganondorf pondered.
"Me Gannie dada! We friends!" shouted Marth happily.
"Yeah, that's...Wait, what? You were a scholar yesterday!"
"Me has spit person-alley-tees!" said Marth slowly.
"Oh...But you never explained about the father and son thing!"
"Magic!" weeped Marth.
"Why are you weeping?" asked Ganondorf, semi-concerned.
"Because my project failed! Millions of dollars of research, wasted!"
"Ok then..." Ganondorf said uncertainly.
"Peach and Lucario, possibly married!"
Peach and Lucario
Possibly Married
"I am Lucario, and this is Peach, a random person I picked up off the street, and we are NOT married." said Lucario forcefully.
"Silly man, you know we've been marr-"
"We've been...marred! Yes, marred!"
"No, marri-"
"We've been...planting marigolds!"
"Married!" giggled Peach.
"To other people?" asked Lucario.
"No, to each-"
"She was saying, to each their own spouse!"
"Each other!"
"YOU LIAR!"
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY
"Zelda and Donkey Kong, shuffleboard rivals!"
Donkey Kong and Zelda
Shuffleboard Rivals
Zelda and Donkey Kong were playing shuffleboard. "Hi, I'm Donkey Kong!"
"And I'm Zelda!"
"And I hate your guts!" said Donkey Kong.
"I feel the same!" said Zelda.
Zelda won the game.
"NOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD I HAVE LOST!"
"Your aim is worse when you talk, silly monkey!"
"Monkey...I'M AN APE! APE! APE! APE!" Donkey Kong brutally murdered Zelda. "Um...I didn't do it! It was...the author! Yeah!"
No breaking the fourth wall! And how could I have done it? I'm a disembodied voice!
"Yeah, but you control the story!"
NO. BREAKING. THE. FOURTH. WALL.
"OK."
Zelda came back to life.
"APE! APE! APE! APE!" Zelda died again. "Not me!"
"Diddy Kong and Samus, ballet dancers!"
Diddy Kong and Samus
Ballet Dancers
"And I just wanted to say, Diddy, I love you," Samus said lovingly.
Diddy Kong was gone.
"Where is that handsome monkey?" screamed Samus.
"APE! APE! APE!" Donkey Kong screamed, ripping off Samus' face.
"Not me!" said Donkey Kong, putting Samus' face over his own.
Diddy Kong came back. "Hi, Samus! What were you going to say to me?"
"Um...I hate your guts?"
"Nooooo! I love you, but you have rejected me!" Diddy Kong wept until he died of dehydration.
Donkey Kong looked around. "Not me!"
"Yoshi and Kirby, Daycare Managers!"
Yoshi and Kirby
Daycare Managers
"I'm Yoshi!" sang Yoshi terribly in a girl voice.
"I'm Kirby!" sang Kirby horribly in a girl voice.
"We manage a daycare together!" they sang together.
"STOP! STOP!" shouted the host. "Do you THINK this is good for ratings?"
"Um...Yes?" said Kirby.
"NO! You two singing badly in high voices stinks! In fact, we're probably losing viewers as I speak!"
"Well, we have two other routines ready..." Yoshi said hesitantly.
"Do the better one."
Rock music came on.
"Here comes Yoshi!" sang Yoshi.
"Here comes Kirby!" sang Kirby.
"If we had the choice, we would rule the world!"
"This isn't bad..." said the host.
"We run a daycare, but we don't ca-are! We will conquer the world any day!"
"Tyrant kings!" sang Kirby.
"Crowns and things!" sang Yoshi.
"We will rule the world!"
"The world will quake!" sang Yoshi.
"And bring us milkshakes!" sang Kirby.
"We will rule the world!"
The host applauded. "Nice! However, do you really want to rule the world?"
"...Maybe?" said Kirby hesitantly at the same time that Yoshi said, "No!".
"Nobe? Is Nobe your partner?"
"Gasp! We've been found out! Escape while you can, Kirby!"
Kirby waddled away at a speed of two inches a day.
"Ike and King Dedede, strongmen!"
Ike and King Dedede
Strongmen
"I'm Ikey-wikey!" said "Ikey-wikey".
"And I'm...What? Ikey-wikey? I never knew your name was Ikey-wikey! In fact, I never knew your name at all! Hahaha!" said King Dedede.
"And this guy is Prince Dede," said "Ikey-wikey", chuckling.
"How did ya know that? I haven't been called that in 20 years! Did you read a history book, Ikey-wikey?" said "Prince Dede".
"No, I read your 22 year old name tag from Wal-martâ„¢!"
"I NEVA WORKED AT WALL-MARTIN, FOOL BOY!" said "Prince Dede", slightly insane.
"Ikey-wikey" backed away slowly.
"Popo and Wolf, evil geniuses!"
Popo and Wolf
Evil Geniuses
"I'm Agent Popo, the great genius!" said Popo.
"I'm Agent Wolf, the greater genius!" said Wolf.
"I'm Agent Popo, the greatest genius!" said Popo.
"I'm greater!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"You call this evil?" laughed the host.
They pulled out 7 foot long scimitars and waved them around.
They impaled each other.
"You call this genius?" laughed the host.
They were dead.
"Oh," said the host.
"Mr. Game and Watch and Pokemon Trainer, ?"
Mr. Game and Watch and Pokemon Trainer
?
"G&W, G&W! I just realized! We never wrote a team description on the form! What could we do?"
"Just choose something," said Mr. Game and Watch, angry.
"Ok, we'll be the People with Long Names!" said Pokemon Trainer, doing a victory pose.
Mr. Game and Watch cried.
"Let's try this again," said the host.
Mr. Game and Watch and Pokemon Trainer
People with Long Names
"I'm Pokemon Trainer, but just call me PT!" said Pokemon Trainer, jumping up and down.
"Do I really have to do this?" mumbled Mr. Game and Watch.
"YES YOU DO" shouted Pokemon Trainer.
"Fine...I'm Mr. Game and Watch, but just call me G&W," said Mr. Game and Watch in a fake happy voice.
"THERES NO EXCLAMATION POINT" screamed Pokemon Trainer.
Pokemon Trainer, please refer to Donkey Kong's interview.
Pokemon Trainer went away to Donkey Kong's interview.
"Phew, he's gone!" said Mr. Game and Watch, relieved.
"I'm back!" said Pokemon Trainer joyfully.
Mr. Game and Watch cried.
"Meta Knight and Lucas, crybabies-wait, crybabies? Who would put crybabies as their team description?"
Meta Knight and Lucas
Crybabies
"We would!" cried Lucas, responding to the host's question.
"Wah!" cried Meta Knight.
"Wah!" cried Lucas.
Producer's Room
"Boring! Make sure they're eliminated first!"
Meta Knight and Lucas
Currently drowning in their own tears
"Wah-GLUB-wah!"
"Moving on...Wario and Captain Falcon, asylum escapees!"
Wario and Captain Falcon
Asylum Escapees
"I'm...FALCON PUNCH!" said Captain Falcon, his eyes rolling around in his head.
"And I'm Super Wario, KING OF GARLIC!" said Wario, holding up garlic.
"And we like to...FALCON PUNCH!"
"He just has a condition where he says 'FALCON PUNCH' every few seconds," said Wario.
"HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY...FALCON PUNCH!" screamed Captain Falcon, Falcon Punching Wario to the moon.
"HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY...FALCON PUNCH!" screamed Captain Falcon, Falcon Punching the author to the moon.
Hey, no breaking the fourth wall!
"I'll break the...FALCON PUNCH!"
Wario fell down from the sky. "Don't worry, that's normal. But I'm SUPA DUPA WARIO, RULER AND OVERLORD OF ALL GARLIC PRODUCTS! BWAHAHAHAHA!"
"And I was starting to think he was normal..." said the host.
"NORMAL! WE DIDN'T GET...FALCON PUNCH! THROWN INTO THE INSANE...FALCON PUNCH! ASYLUM FOR NO REASON...FALCON PUNCH!"
The host slowly backed away.
"Pit and Jigglypuff, engaged!"
Pit and Jigglypuff
Engaged
Pit and Jigglypuff were kissing.
The host shouted, "THE SCENE HAS BEGUN! GET INTO POSITION!"
Pit and Jigglypuff continued kissing.
"INTO POSITION!"
Pit and Jigglypuff were-you guessed it-kissing.
"IS THIS YOUR INTERVIEW!?"
They nodded while kissing.
"Ok, but FOX IS SELLING YOUR ENGAGEMENT RINGS!"
They broke apart and started searching. "Oh, my engagement ring! Where could it be?" cried Jigglypuff sadly.
She noticed it was on her finger. "Fox returned it! How nice of him!"
Pit fell into a pit. "I bet you're in here, Fox! You'll pay!" He killed the pit.
"Pit? Where are you? We can't race if you don't come here!" cried Jigglypuff.
Pit was dead, because he was one with the pit.
"Pit?"
"Luigi and Ness, cowards!"
Luigi and Ness
Cowards
"EEEK!" Luigi screamed when the camera turned on. "No, kings are not scared! Not scared! Not-AH!"
A insect jumped out of a bush.
"Luigi, you're not a king!" said Ness, mildly frightened.
"Yes I am," said Luigi. "It's to get over my cowardly nature and become a brave lion!"
The host chuckled, "You're lion! Get it, lion! Like lying..."
"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" shouted all the teams.
Luigi and Ness died of fright.
"Mario and Link, heroes!"
Mario and Link
Heroes
Mario and Link weren't there.
"I hate these teams..." muttered the host angrily.
"We're back!" exclaimed Mario and Link, jumping in heroically.
The host was crushed under their heroic jumps. "Lugsd mihdf ouhsdt!" he said, his face pushed into the ground.
"He said 'Luigi must be ousted!'! Oust Luigi!" They heroically ousted Luigi.
"I said 'Let me out!'" said the host angrily.
"Oh..." They heroically restored Luigi to the throne.
"But it would be nice if Luigi were ousted..." said the host.
They heroically ousted Luigi.
Luigi screamed in terror.
"Snake and Toon Link, eighty-fouth cousins!"
Snake and Toon Link
Eighty-Fourth Cousins
"Hi Snake!" cheered Toon Link.
"Who is this Snake? Is he a spy?!" shouted Snake.
"Um, you're Snak-" Toon Link was stabbed by a giant sword.
Snake screamed, "I KNEW THAT! I WAS ATTEMPTING YOUR HUMAN HUMOR! I mean, I'm a human!"
"AAAAH! My cousin is an alien!" Toon Link yelled, running around in circles.
"No, I'm just an animal. Eighty-fourth cousins means our common ancestor was a monkey!" Snake said.
"AAAAH! My cousin is a monkey!" Toon Link yelled, running around in circles.
"Here's your two billionth cousin!" said Snake, holding up an amoeba.
"AAAAH! My cousin is an amoeba!" Toon Link yelled, running around in circles.
Snake whispered to the camera, "Silly boy, he'll never realize it's actually his uncle!"
"And R.O.B. and Bowser, popular weirdos!"
R.O.B. and Bowser
Popular Weirdos
"R.O.B. reporting for duty. Beep beep," R.O.B. said robotically.
"This is why we're weirdos," Bowser whispered.
"Here, take some free cars!" said R.O.B.
"And this is why we're popular," said Bowser a bit too loud.
"HOW DARE YA SPEAK, MATEY! THIS AIN'T A DEMOCRACY!" said R.O.B. in a pirate accent.
"Weirdos," said Bowser.
R.O.B. won an epic fight.
"Popular," said Bowser a bit too loud.
"NO SPEAKING IN CLASS!" shouted R.O.B.
The host said, "You know, Bowser, you're not that weird...Never mind." Bowser was eating a plate.
"Which of these eighteen teams has the right combination of brains, brawn and teamwork to win one million dollars?" said the host.
Smash Mansion
The teams cheered, except for Marth, who cried.
"When I give the signal, run over to your bags and read your first clue. What you do from then on is up to you. Hurry to each pit stop, as the last team there may be eliminated! The first team to the finish line wins one million dollars!"
All the teams cheered.
"Have fun...travel safe...GO!"
