Adventure One: Jack Finds a Crew



After crashing the Black Pearl many a time around the rocky docks of Tortuga, Jack realized that manning a ship might be infinitely easier if he had a few more people to help him with it.


"I've realized that manning a ship might be infinitely easier if I had a few more people to help me with it," he realized.


So crashing the Black Pearl smoothly through a dock, Jack dropped the anchor, which thudded onto dry land, and lowered the gangplank, which fell on top of a couple of unsuspecting people.


"This looks like a nice spot to pick me up a crew," Jack decided, peering around at the filthy island, gun smoke in the air and rum bottles littering the ground.


"Hey, you," a gruff voice said behind Jack. "This is my island; everyone here answers to me!"


Jack swung about to see nobody, but caught a shadow around the corner. "Who are you?" Jack called, curiously.


"I am Lofty Ben, the sleaziest sleaze in the seven seas!" retorted the threatening shadow.


"Is that trademarked?" Jack asked.


"Quite so, my good fellow!" the man said.


"Then wouldn't 'sleaziest sleaze in the seven seas' be capitalized?" Jack commented, slyly.


"It is! Look again: I am Lofty Ben! Sleaziest Sleaze in the Seven Seas™!" Lofty Ben, Sleaziest Sleaze in the Seven Seas™, said.


"Come out where I can see you, man," Jack ordered.


"Sure thing!" Lofty Ben moseyed around the corner and revealed himself as none other than the midget who was to become a part of the future crew of Jack's Black Pearl.


"You're shorter than me!" Jack proclaimed.


"What of it?" the midget said, gruffly as ever.


"You might come useful," Jack replied, thoughtfully. "Do you have courage, fortitude and the ability to squeeze into tight places?"


"Actually, yeah," Lofty Ben said proudly, puffing out his chest. "I was born with rat-like qualities, so I can compress my ribcage to fit under closed doors."


"Amazing!" Jack hooted. "I suppose you'd like to join my crew?"


"That would be great! What does it pay?" Lofty asked.


"Absolutely nothing, but my ship has plenty of doors you may practice your skill with, not to mention it's got black sails, so you may forever travel in style," Jack said.


"It's a deal!" Lofty answered, excitedly.


"Good! Now let's go find more worthy people for this fine developing crew," Jack said. He began to hunt about with the midget at his heels, until they came to the Faithful Bride.


"That is the workplace of the dominatrix," Lofty Ben explained. "We could skip this place."


"No need! We shall approach the dominatrix and ask her to join our crew!" Jack said, and with that, he entered the bar.


"I will TEACH you NEVER to TOUCH my whip AGAIN," the dominatrix shouted, just as Jack walked in the door. She was in the midst of a brawl, obviously beating the crap out of one chubby little balding man.


"But you whapped me!" the man argued.


"And I'll WHAP you AGAIN!" the lady shouted.


"Ouch!" the man cried as the whip said 'whootcha!'


"Pardon my interruption," Jack called, hurrying between the man and the dominatrix who was holding a chair above her head.


"Who're you?" the dominatrix asked, eyes narrowed.


"I am Captain Jack Sparrow of the Black Pearl! I am looking for a crew, and I decided that you have indeed proven useful to me in your heartless beating of this good man! What is your name, woman?" Jack asked.


"I am Anamaria," the dominatrix said, setting the chair down.


"Any last name?" Jack inquired.


"Not that I know of. Most people just call me 'Aaaahhh Anamaria Please Have Mercy Ahhhh' so I decided that a last name would just clash with my title. I mean, how do you think 'Aaaahhh Anamaria Please Have Mercy Ahhhh Johnson' would sound? Better just keep to one name," she explained.


"So, will you join my crew?" Jack asked.


"Sure," Anamaria said.


"And you." Jack addressed the cowering man behind him.


"What about me?" the man asked.


"Would you like to become part of my crew?" Jack asked.


"Yes, but what did I do to deserve it?" the man retorted.


"You are good for being a lackey, comic relief, and target practice, what say you?"


"Aye!" the man replied. "My name is Gibbs," Gibbs said.


"Is that your-…?" Jack trailed off.


"Last name," Gibbs informed him.


"And why don't you have a first name?"


"The writers got lazy - so am I hired?" Gibbs asked.


"Aye!" Jack said. "Anamaria and Gibbs, I'd like you both to meet Lofty Ben, Sleaziest Sleaze in the Seven Seas™."


"Hullo," Lofty Ben grunted.


"Let's go find more eligible crew members!" Jack suggested with haste, exiting the Faithful Bride. He and his quickly-forming crew scouted the area for more worthy pirates. They soon came upon a dead end alleyway, which contained an abandoned beer keg at the end of it.


"Abandoned beer keg!" Jack cried, pointing toward it. "Perhaps there's some left in it! It's mine!" He ran the remainder of the way down the alleyway and dove headfirst into the keg to discover that he was not alone.


"Hi," the as yet unnamed mysterious chap said.


"Holy cow!" Jack shouted, toppling from the barrel and falling with an 'oof' to the ground. "Who's there?"


"'I'her Co'ong," the man replied.


"Say what?" Jack asked. The man stood up from the barrel, his face dripping with the last of the beer. Jack's face fell with disappointment.


"I go' ngy kongue cu' ou', 'ee?" the man said, opening his mouth wide to show that indeed, he had gotten his tongue cut out.


"And your name is what?" Jack asked again.


"I'her Co'ong," he said.


"Iheir Cong?" Jack asked.


"Co - ong!" the man shouted, frustrated.


"Coong? Coron?" Jack guessed, each time making the man madder and madder. Finally, the guy flung himself up out of the barrel (sure to trip over it in the process and landing face down on the ground before picking himself back up) and pulled a handful of fuzzy white lint out of his pocket.


"Co - ong!" the man said, dangerously.


"Ah, yes. Cotton. Well, Cotton, we need to find you a way of talking. Seriously. Then you can be a part of my crew," Jack said, proudly.


"A 'ar' o' 'our crew?" Cotton repeated, faintly.


"Of course! I am Captain Jack Sparrow of the Black Pearl - now hiring!" Jack replied.


Lofty Ben suddenly leaped on to the rim of the barrel and shot himself into the air, catching a parrot that had been flying by. "Yes!" he crowed, ready to sink his teeth into it.


"Help! Woohoo! Help!" the bird cried.


"Hold up there, Gollum!" Jack shouted toward the midget.


"Yeah?" Lofty asked, the parrot struggling and protesting all the while.


"That is a talking parrot! We can use him to translate for Cotton!" Jack said. He ran up to the bird and took him up in his hands. "What say you, bird?"


"Yoohoo, dump on a reef, yoohoo," the bird responded.


"What the heck-" Jack started before the bird pooed all over his shiny new boots. Cotton happily took the parrot from Jack while he was busy hopping about in anger. The half-tongued man and the parrot instantly bonded, and they both knew that they were soul mates. They began to share stories of their childhoods.


"All right there, Captain?" Gibbs asked as the pirate was busy wiping his boots in the dust and muttering incoherently about rum and barbecued parrots.


"Right!" Jack said with a start, snapping his head toward Gibbs. "Let's go back to the Pearl!" The men and woman rushed back to the crashed ship, and all studied it, impressed.


"Ooo!" Lofty Ben whispered in awe.


"I want to touch it," Gibbs giggled, gleefully.


"Guts in the cracks, woohoo," the parrot agreed.


"I think this crew is lame," Anamaria shot toward Jack. "And there are only five of us!"


"Juicy with Worchester sauce, yoohoo," the parrot reminded her.


"Sorry - six of us," she continued. "Where shall we get more of a crew?"


Jack thought on this for a moment, then his eyes lit up. He hoisted the gangplank up and peered beneath it. "Wow! What do we have here? A few roly-polies under a rock!" He chuckled at his analogy.


"Why, I oughta boil your brains, stew your eyeballs and pick off your toenails one by one!" one of the men who had been squashed, shrieked indignantly.


"Or, you could join my crew," Jack said, lightly.


"Okay," the men agreed, climbing out from beneath the gangplank.


"Behold! The unstoppable crew of Jack Sparrow!" Jack bellowed, raising his hands to the sky.


"Go to hell," a passerby suggested.


"Let's go!" Jack said, hurrying onto his ship followed by his newly formed crew.


"Where… Hell?" Lofty Ben asked.


"No! Away! To sail the seas and do stuff!" Jack replied. "Hoist the sails! Weigh the anchor! Scrub the decks! Any man or woman caught delaying will be thrown into a pile of pokey, broken window shades! Move!" He grinned as he looked upon his fine crew, who cluelessly blinked and did nothing.