When the choice is no longer yours what do you do? When everything you have ever wanted is leaving, what do you do? When you thought that things were perfect but they really weren't, what do you do? These three questions have been the questions that have ruled my mind since he left. It hurts. I can't breathe right. It seems like every time I walk down the hallways I hear the miserably failing gossip. By that I mean these low lived people have no clue what really happen. They are about as clueless as the sailors during the spontaneous generation. It's almost stupid. They all think that he fell in love with another girl and left me to get married. Not true. The truth is that he left. Not necessarily left me for another girl but I suppose you could look at it like that. I try to avoid all means of associating with people and it seems that it's not that hard. Even my best friends left me to fend through this difficult time in my life. I can't say that this has happened for the best. How can I say that whenever it hurts this much? I can't explain it. I'm sure you've heard that a thousand times in thousands of books but it's the truth. The feeling is like something is tearing at your heart and obviously the bad side is winning. You can't think straight and you feel as if everyone is looking at you and whispering their pointless opinions. When I walk to my locker sometimes I see him leaning gangly against the locker with a big smile on his face and you could honestly say that he was happy to see me by the spark in his eyes. But once I blink the beautiful allusion is gone and all I see the dreary black rectangular pit where useless thing I could think of belongs. I try to stay away from anything that reminds me of him, like chocolate. He would bring me a chocolate bar every day, and if I was late to school he would simply put it in my locker. I crave for that sweet silk that would float about in my mouth, but as I said, I can't bear to think of him. It hurts. I also try to avoid wearing the color purple. He always told me it was his favorite color and the reason it was, was because the color was so beautiful on me. You could say that the only color that I can approve of is black. I'm not in a Goth group. They have already tried to invite me but I don't want people like that as friends right now. I need someone who can understand me and tell me everything is okay and he's going to come back. But I don't think anyone has enough patience to put up with my lameness. So I sit at a small lonely table at lunch, do work by myself, think to myself, and try to stay by myself. I am determined to never make any ties with anyone. If he left me, then I am maybe my purpose is to be alone.
Chapter 1:
Never Wake
You can't be serious. It seems that the day passes way too quickly and then I am already getting ready to go back to a mindless unfortunate facility called a school. There is no point to this school. Literally, once you get past 7'Th grade there is nothing new to learn. It's all the same boring material that we've memorized since 2'nd grade when the teacher was like "Now boys and girls, today we have to listen extra hard so open up your ears" they say cheerfully and you do playing along with it of course. "Now what we have to do is learn the big kid material. So here it is" and they walk gracefully to the small white board pick up a green dry erase marker and write in BIG numbers:
2+4=__
Then you wind up staring at it trying to figure out its mysterious meaning. For all you know it could be saying that Santa isn't real. That's all school is except now that say things like -2.43+4.77867890=. I mean where in real life do we actually do things like that? Hey, say I want to work at McDonalds for the rest of my life. Do you really think they are going to come up to me one day and say "Hey Jadelyn, hate to busy you while your washing that lettuce but what is 9.000897657+ 8.56567456? Exactly. Ugh, I pull the warm blanket over my head. Just thinking about school makes me want to hurl and then not be able to go.
"Enough is enough, get out of bed. I'm tired of having to be your nanny. I'm your mother, not you're your personal maid so come on!"
My mother's screeching has me out of bed immediately. Unless I want to make this day harder on myself I just decide to try to make things a little bit better and get out of bed. My clothes are already set out from the night previous. I'm actually wearing some color today. A long sleeved brown shirt and some blue jeans. Obviously not my normal attire. Before my mom can scream anymore I hurriedly throw on my shirt and run outside. I don't bother to tell her goodbye anymore. She knows the only place I would go is school so it doesn't really matter that much. I climb into my small car trying to get used to the cold air as I turn on the car quickly. I don't see why I drive my car to school because I only live a few blocks from the school but I guess I just want to see normal by driving a car. Even though it's not a cool new one, it's still a car. I drive into the treacherous parking lot and go to my normal parking space. I shift the car into park, grab my bag, get out of the car, and head towards the main door. As I walk in there's an unfamiliar atmosphere to it all. First of all, all of my classmates are busily busting around trying to get into their small cliques. Everyone's whispering and talking trying to remain inconspicuous but I doesn't seem to work. They look like small groups of kids that you see in movies who know that they are talking about someone and want you to know ,as of I'm sure that's not the case in this situation. I don't bother to see what the commotion is all about. I'm sure it's something stupid like the so called "hot" health teacher is getting a divorce. Hmmmm.. Maybe that's not the case because I'm sure that there would be a lot more commotion than this. I swear some girls would jump off bridges for that man. I already have heard rumors that some girl by the name of Natalie Britchard was going to intoxicate his daily water bottle with drowsy sleeping pills and then take advantage of him. Goodness me. I know from the outside I look like a girl who doesn't know a thing and never would but believe me that is definitely not the case.
I'm in 3'rd period French. I took this class because I thought the language was beautiful but it obviously turns out that although it is beautiful, it is hard. As the teacher rambles on I can't seem to stop thinking about him. Jacob Black. I miss him so much. I'm trying as hard as I can not to think of him but it hurts like a never ending volcanic explosion to the skin. I suppose one day I can get over it but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen soon. It's hard to explain his beautifulness. His coopered skin that always had a deep blush. His amazing eyes that, although to a human eye, held nothing but darkness. I could see his emotions like his eyes were clear. He wasn't the best at displaying his feelings like most men so his eyes were a bonus. He was tall and muscular. He wasn't jock muscular but muscular and lanky. Very attractive in my eyes.
"Oh", I gasped as a wild wave of hurt crashed into my heart.
Mrs. Levaner noticed my quiet exhale and immediately looked at me. Her head cocked back and her lips lunged from her mouth.
"Did you have something to say Ms. Swan?" Her eyes blazed like she spotted me stealing her most prized possession. I swear the woman has had issues.
It was hard to reply because I felt my eyes tearing up from the pressure and I knew that if I answered my tear glands would burst and…. All in all not a pretty sight. So I slowly nodded a lengthy "yes".
"Good then" she said violently nodding her head and immediately began where she left off.
I exhaled quickly after that, making sure she did not hear. I vowed I would not think of him for a while. Not until I could get into a calm place where I could slowly let everything out without any disruptions. This was definitely not the place to do that. The rest of the day was long and tiring but I slowly went through it. It was just like everyday though. The same pointless routine as I have already discussed.
When the final bell rang I carefully took my things and went to my cavalier. I threw my things in the back and started the car. The gentle hem of the car relaxed me. My home was only a mile or two away but today I don't want to go to my big ,yet chaotic home. Unaware of where I was going I just started to drive. The smooth and slick road and wheel alike was enough to keep me driving for hours but eventually I stopped. At Dairy Queen. What the heck? Whatever, I didn't want to go home and obviously this is not home. Grabbing my small purse that also had a small amount of money I climbed out of the car and went in. It was cold and the smell was ever so softening. You could smell the sweet cream and ice from behind the counter.
"Can I help you?" small young women asked. She had long brown hair like most fast food employees and was wearing a black uniformed shirt and black slack like pants. Her hands were already prepared on the cashier customed key board. I quickly looked up to the board that held all the precise flavors and decided on the first one I saw.
"Eh, I'll take the strawberry cheese cake icecream." She already knew this purchase was going to cost more than a gallon of ice cream from the store so she hurriedly looked inside her purse and started digging out its contents. After much impatience from the cashier she found a ten dollar bill and basically threw it at the women. She took it hastily and smashed into the register. She handed me back about 5 dollars and called out to the next person in line. I shuffled to the edge and waited. I studied my surroundings which included 1950's black and white pictures of happy little friends enjoying themselves in line to receive some ice-cream. There were many coca-cola pictures also. The tiles in the Dairy Queen where black and white tiled and matched nicely with the whole theme. Moments later a kid about my age came and delivered the ice cream. It looked delicious. I took hold of the iced cup and left returning to my car. All I thought about was the smooth ice cream floating in and out of my mouth like silk. It was delicious and I promised myself that I would come once a week to treat myself. Once I was done I threw away the cup and started back towards home. When I got home mom was waiting by the door.
"Bella! I can't believe you would be so irresponsible! What you think now that you have a car that you can just leave about a hint if "This is where I'm going to be"?! I am your mother and I deserve to know where you are at all times. Now where were you?!" She demanded
Wow, wow, wow. She was taking this a bit far and then she wonders why I leave and try to get as far as possible from this place. Just as angry I replied.
"I was at freaking Dairy Queen. Since I never get to go out, except for school I thought I would go somewhere for me, for once! Is that okay?!"
I watched as her face went from furious to shock and lastly pleased.
"Well that's good that you got a chance to go out. I much rather prefer that when you tell me where you are going and when. Can you do that next time?"
My mom has no idea how idiotic she sounds to me. Rather than continue our argument I nod a quick yes that obviously demands that no further questions will be answered and head up to my room. Once I get into my beloved atmosphere I begin to think. Life has been too hard for me. It has been a nightmare these last few months. What with all the gossip and rumors it seems there is no time for fun and enjoyment. Not like I really need it, I suppose I'm just using this as an excuse although I do need some time. Some time to enjoy myself and not think of Jacob for once. It rarely happens. Letting the answers dwindle exhaustion gets to me. I settle onto my warm bed and slowly but surely drift into an innocent dream that contains no nightmares or sense of departure.
I woke up the next morning bright and early ready for school. I felt half way decent today. I'm not sure why it was just a normal Forks day. Rainy, cloudy, and dreary. Nothing new to say the least. But I felt something new and exciting about to happen. Maybe I was just being paranoid and it was just the previous events of going out. Who knew? Jumping into my car without a backward glance I hurried to school. Walking inside I still could hear the whispers. I could see the pale and dark hands covering their busy mouth as they talked speedily trying to hurry so they could stay on time for class. I paid no more attention that necessary. I reran through my head my next classes and came to the thought of my next dreaded class. Utterly disgusting Biology. With a sly groan I took the red stair well to the 400's and turned the corner to 430. I walked into the classroom with my head down and my hair swinging. I took my lonely seat and started to doodle on a piece of scrap paper that was randomly was thrown into my folder. I heard a chair squeak against the tiled floor. Below my hair I looked at the person who was taking the seat next to me. I thought it was probably a kid who was tired and didn't realize that he was about to sit in the wrong seat. I looked at him through my stringy hair. He was pale like I've never seen anyone before. I couldn't see his eyes clearly because he was facing the board. He was absolutely beautiful. It was unnatural for someone to be so gorgeous. Even Jacob could not compare to this….. this… boy who so strangely looked like he had the intelligence and modesty to be a man. He must have noticed my awkwardly turned head so his eyes met mine. They surprised me and made me think of my father's old fashioned gold. It was magically the color of nothing I've ever seen before. It was much more beautiful than gold and almost looked like it was specked with red. I must be delusional. I quickly blinked and then he was no longer looking at me and had a sad yet pained look on his face. It was much more furious to be sad. I wondered what the problem was. It couldn't be me I knew for sure. Relationally I turned back towards the board and waited for the bell to ring. When class started I was completely unaware. All I could think of is the way his eyes bored into mine. All I could think of was the pressure between us that sparked like firecrackers in July. I tried to stay in my seat for that hour and a half but I kept feeling like I was falling. Eventually I just feel out of my seat.
"Uhmph", I gasped as I landed on the cold hard tile.
I felt my cheeks fill with color as all my classmates silently stared at me with bemused expressions on their faces. I turned to look at the mysterious boy to see if he too shared this half smile. I looked to him and he wasn't even looking at me. Clumsily I grabbed the foot of the chair and helped myself up to the table. The teacher didn't even see me fall and he continued his speech like nothing ever happened. I felt so out of place and sad. No one ever noticed me anymore. Life was pointless. Before I knew it a loud bell sounded and signaled that the class had ended. I turned to pick up my stuff and when I looked back the mysterious boy was no longer there. As quietly as I could I picked up my things and walked out the door.
"BELLA!" I heard a booming voice call that held a slight boyishness.
I turned around completely stunned to see who was calling out to me. It was Mike. The blond haired, blue eyed boy that used to be Jacob's best friend. He was quite different from Jacob but they somehow made their friendship work. Mike had stopped talking to me once Jacob left but it wasn't as if we had talked much when Jacob was still here anyway.
"Yeah?" I asked once he came into talking distance.
A pained expression touched his boyish features and his eyes turned sad.
"I'm so sorry about you and Jacob. I miss that old geezer' so much. I just wanted to make sure you were handling everything okay? I know it's been a while but……." His voice trailed off like he couldn't explain a good reason as to why he hadn't talked to me for months.
I touched his shoulder to silently tell him everything was fine.
"I'm fine, Mike. Don't worry about me. You know that I'll be okay" I whispered.
I guess my small words really made an impression and assured him that everything was fine because he smiled an adorable smile that made me feel so much better.
"Hey, well if you ever feel like hanging out just call me, okay?" He had so much hope in his voice it almost pained me that the real answer would probably be the opposite.
"Okay, sure." I smiled to tell him everything was cool and with a friendly nod he waved a "Bye Bella" and went to his next class.
It was nice to have someone actually acknowledge me for once. Even if it was a boyish Mike. With a sigh, like every day, I went to my next class. Boring, boring, and more boring were the next events of the day. And like every day I returned home in a sour mood. Threw my bags in the car, started the car, drove the few blocks to my house and went to my room without a "hey" to the family. Today was the type of day I felt the need to relax to some music. I turned my MP3 on and attached it to the Aux on my stereo and began listening to the gently words and beat.
"Don't waste your time on me, your already the voice inside my head"
No kidding I thought. And like every day I layed down and went to sleep to the single sentenced chorus.
The next morning felt like a drag. I was completely unwilling to go school. For several reasons but the main reason was the mysterious boy. He seemed to dislike me for no apparent reason. I was curious as to why he why he showed so much hatred to someone he didn't even know but I suspected that if I was to bring up the conversation with him it would not go so smoothly. I was in no mood to go through one of my mother's fiascos so against my own advice not to go to school, I went to school.
As I walked into the yellowed hallway there was still just as much conversation as before. I ignored everything as always and no one made an account to share anything with me anyway. I went to my first period class, Art. I sat in my stupid assigned seat which I quite enjoyed because it was quiet and I wasn't surrounded by obnoxious boys who did not understand the command to be quiet. I took my unfinished art assignment and went to my table. I was immediately uncomfortable with my surroundings by the way everyone was whispering. Usually no one worried about being overheard, but today it was too silent. I looked around me and saw everyone looking at me. Plumping my lips out in uncomfort I turned around and tried to focus on my art assignment. A few minutes later as I was just beginning to ignore the whispers and actually focus, Brandi Grams came to my table. Brandi Grams, my old best friend. We used to be like those corny "two pees in a pod". Our relationship was even stronger once Jacob and I got together weirdly enough. We were constantly going on double dates and talking on the phone till midnight about how much we loved our boyfriends. Then once Jacob left and I was abandoned she too abandoned me. I had missed her so much but eventually I realized it was her loss and there was no reason for me to be upset because it was her loss. As I looked at her pretty face I couldn't help but think of all of the days that we stayed at the park playing and talking till the cops came and made them go home. They would skip home merrily through the dark streets in complete bliss. Those days were over and like all friendship fairytales it ended. She was a beautiful girl. Perfect chestnut hair parted in the middle, beautiful green sun flowered eyes. Her gorgeous face was a heart shaped and her jaw was perfectly angled. I was always jealous of her and it always seemed that her perfect face matched her beautiful personality. I was silent as she slid into the seat and smiled at me though her eyes only said that she was curious.
"Oh my god. Hey, I haven't talked to you in a while. How are you?" she honestly seemed genuine.
I stared at here silently. I wasn't sure why I couldn't reply but it seemed my mouth would not open. She looked at me like I was mentally delayed. I stumbled a bit but eventually my mouth opened and I could speak a bit.
"I'm fine. You?" I knew my voice was accusing but I didn't mind. I suppose that should have known how I was considering we used to be as close at corn on the cob. She probably heard the accusatory because she answered unfriendly.
"Yeah, I'm just peachy. I'll get to the point so we can cut this short. Do you know Edward Cullen?" as she said Edward Cullen her voice went from upset to undeniably flirtatious.
I wasn't sure who Edward Cullen was so I answered truthfully although I had a good idea who she was talking about.
"Eh sorry Brandi, but I have no idea who you are talking about." I continued to work on my art absent mindedly as we talked.
Her perfect features were disorganized as she frowned at me.
"Sure you do. He sits right next to you in Biology. Doesn't he?"
Oh goodness. That was the beautiful young boy who hated me. Edward Cullen. Yet undeniably full of hatred. Of course I knew this boy. A boy who's eyes filled the spirit of a man. A man/boy who I felt a full force curiosity towards.
"Uhm, I guess. Why?" I didn't really want to be involved in anything she was going to do like bribe me to into stalking him for her so she could find out everything she could to get closer. So I knew Brandi would never ask me to do that and she would never want anyone to do that but I couldn't ignore that I was completely and utterly disgusted with her.
"Oh wow. That's what I thought. So what is he like?" her voice raised a pitch higher.
And then when she asked that questions I immediately knew I wanted to go home and never wake again.
