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Remembering Love
Chapter One
From the window of her luxurious high-rise apartment in San Francisco, Kathryn watched as rain fell over the busy city. It had rained almost continuously since Voyager had got home, but Kathryn didn't mind. Rain was only to be expected in winter. All that mattered was that they were home. Even now, six weeks after their triumphant return, Kathryn couldn't quite believe they'd made it. Any moment she expected to wake up and find out everything was only a dream, or for Q to appear and tell it was all some kind of elaborate joke. But Q did not appear and she did not wake up. Life just kept on rolling. Everyone else was feeling the same, she was sure of it, as adjusting back to life on Earth after so many years in space was going to take time. Some weren't even going to try to adjust. A surprising number of her crew had already found themselves posts on soon to depart Starfleet ships. The biggest surprise of all was Tal Celes. The Bajoran had been offered a research post on an exploration vessel and had accepted without hesitation. After seven years of constant attack by hostile aliens, she felt that life on any other starship was bound to be a walk in the park. And she was right, at least in thinking no other space adventure ever could be as challenging as their adventures in the Delta Quadrant. They'd seen and experienced things no one had ever seen and experienced before and never would again.
In that way, the challenge of space was over, and that was part of the reason Kathryn had accepted promotion to the admiralty. Another reason was the fear, the fear that would always be there at the back of her mind, that if she captained another vessel they'd get stranded again. The responsibility she'd borne on her shoulders over the last seven years had been suffocating at times and she couldn't go through it all again. Not that she was sorry they'd got stranded, quite the contrary, she was glad of all they'd experienced and very proud of all they'd accomplished, but the burden she'd carried had been a heavy one and she was glad to be free of it. But never had she imagined how hard it would be to say goodbye to everyone, especially to those she'd been closest too. Hardly a day had gone by in seven years when she hadn't seen Chakotay, The Doctor, Tom, Tuvok, Harry and B'Elanna, but now she was lucky to see them at all. Chakotay was with Seven in Sweden; The Doctor was busy attending prestigious medical conferences; Harry was spending time with his family and former fiancé, Libby; and Tom and B'Elanna were busy settling into their new home with baby Miral.
The one person she was missing above all, however, was Chakotay. For seven years he'd been at her side, her one constant in an inconstant existence, and living without him was agony. He had been her best friend, her companion and confidante, and she'd meant what she said all those years ago, that she couldn't imagine a day without him. But now she not only had to imagine it, she had to live it. Whatever Chakotay had felt for her in the past, he no longer did. Or rather, the passionate love he had once felt for her had diluted to platonic friendship. It was Seven he was in love with now, Seven he wanted, and she had to accept it. She had to say goodbye to the dream she'd long dreamed of them having a life together when they got home. For on long lonely nights on Voyager, she had allowed herself the fantasy, allowed herself to indulge in a love she at all other times had to deny. But she had loved him, truly and deeply, and she loved him still.
Suddenly, the door chime played. Surprised, as she wasn't expecting any visitors, Kathryn turned to the living room door.
"Come in!"
The door, which was gold and large, slowly slid open and Kathryn saw that her visitor was Seven. The former drone, who no longer wore catsuits, was casually attired in a woolly green jumper over tight fitting black trousers, and her long hair was loose over her shoulders.
"Seven," Kathryn smiled. "This is a surprise. Please...come in."
Seven entered, but looked around anxiously as she did. "Are you alone, Admiral?"
"I am," Kathryn replied, somewhat used to Seven's abrupt greetings. "And remember, it's Kathryn now. We're no longer in a command structure."
"Maybe not, but I prefer Admiral."
"As you wish, but its terribly formal between friends." She gestured to the couch. "Please, sit. Make yourself comfortable. Can I get you a drink?"
"No, thank you," Seven said, sitting. "I'm not here to socialize. I'm here because I'm concerned about Chakotay."
Kathryn tensed at these words and sat opposite the ex-borg. "Concerned? What's happened?"
"He is displaying uncharacteristic behavior."
"How do you mean uncharacteristic?"
"When I tried to end things between us tonight...this afternoon to you...he became aggressive."
"In what way?"
"He tried to rape me."
Kathryn's eyes widened the size of saucers. "Rape you? Chakotay?"
"As I said, uncharacteristic behavior. When I told him it was over between us, because I no longer wish to be romantically involved with him, he told me it would never be over, that he was never going to let me go. Then he tried to rape me, saying it was time we took things further, that he'd been patient long enough. I was able to fight him off, because of my superior strength, but if I had not been able too, then he would have raped me."
For a long moment Kathryn was silent, then she spoke. "You're right, this isn't Chakotay. He'd never do something like this."
"I came straight here," Seven went on. "I didn't know what else to do."
"And you did the right thing. I'll take care of it. I'll call the Doctor, tell him what's happened, and we'll take things from there."
"Do you think we should inform Starfleet Command? If Chakotay is under some kind of alien influence, we all may be too, as whatever's happened to him must have happened in the Delta Quadrant."
"Yes, we'll have to inform Starfleet Command. Now that we're home, we can't always do things our way. But let's get the Doctor here first. You need to be examined."
"I'm fine."
"Maybe," Kathryn answered, "but I'd rather hear that from The Doctor."
"Some bruising, sprains and strains," The Doctor said as he examined Seven half an hour later, "but nothing's broken. You were very lucky. Chakotay is a very strong man, even against a Borg."
"What do you think happened?" Kathryn asked. "Why do you think Chakotay has suddenly become violent?"
"I have no idea," he replied, "but I mean to find out."
"What's your plan?" Seven asked.
"Why, the oldest in the book. I mean to examine him."
"He may not comply," Kathryn said, "not if he's possessed or under mind control. Now that you've examined Seven, I'll inform Admiral Paris so Chakotay can be captured and detained in a secure unit. Then you'll be able to examine him."
"But if we inform Starfleet Command," The Doctor cried, "and I am unable to find the cause of Chakotay's personality change, he may be prosecuted for attempted rape!"
"Only if Seven presses charges, which she won't. And you will be able to find the reason for his change, I'm sure of it."
"But, Admiral..."
"No buts. Whatever's going on with Chakotay, he's a danger to himself and to others. He has to be detained. I'll inform Admiral Paris and then we'll transport to Starfleet Headquarters." She turned to Seven. "Are you with me, Seven?"
The former drone nodded. "I am."
By the time Kathryn, Seven and The Doctor reported to Admiral Paris's office, Chakotay was in custody.
"Wow," Kathryn said when Admiral Paris told them the news. "I'm impressed."
"It wasn't difficult," the old man replied, "as he was unconscious in his hotel room."
At this, The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "When you said you'd fought him off, Seven, I didn't think you meant you'd knocked him out."
"It was the only way I could escape," she answered.
"What happens now?" Kathryn asked. "May our doctor examine him?"
"Yes," the Admiral replied, "but the Commander will also have to be examined by two other doctors. One prior to your doctor's examination and one after it. This is standard procedure to prevent manipulation and corruption of results. The first examination is taking place right now and should end shortly. In the meantime, I will need to take a statement from each of you about this incident."
The three independent examinations took much longer to complete than the statements, and it was with agony that Kathryn waited with Seven for news in Admiral Paris's office. She had no doubt that they would find the cause of Chakotay's alteration, but she feared what that cause was. What if he wasn't under alien influence? What if he was ill? There was a history of mental illness in his family, and while the gene had been suppressed in him, suppression was never an absolute guarantee that the condition would not occur. And if he was ill, what then? Would he ever be the same Chakotay again? But no, she was getting ahead of herself, letting fear mount upon fear. She had to stay calm, had to think positive. There was every chance his personality change was the result of alien influence.
At last, after two hours of waiting, Admiral Paris returned to his office. Kathryn hoped his face would give her some indication of the news before his mouth spoke it, but it was impossible to tell from his disciplined features whether he bore good news, bad news, or no news at all.
"I'm happy to say the examinations are over," he said, breaking into a smile, "and that the doctors are in consensus."
Kathryn, who had stood up as soon as her superior and former mentor entered, spoke urgently. "What's the verdict?"
"As we suspected, the Commander's personality change is due to alien influence. In fact, sophisticated memory manipulation. Our doctors were unable to determine when or how this occurred, but your doctor pinpoints it to an incident that happened a few months ago, when you and your crew were abducted by aliens, subjected to mind altering surgery, and put to work on their planet."
"But Chakotay wasn't abducted," Seven said. "He was part of our rescue."
"Yes," Kathryn replied, "but he was captured and operated on. Who knows what they did to him."
Admiral Paris spoke now. "Your doctor will no doubt be able to give you more information that I can, but at the moment he's attempting to reverse the damage done. He takes full responsibility for the Commander's condition, and for his behavior, as he says he failed to provide the Commander with adequate care at the time."
"With all due respect to The Doctor," Kathryn said, "he had over a hundred people to treat. He did his best in very difficult circumstances."
"I don't doubt it. He's a remarkable doctor and his achievements over the past seven years are astounding. We will, however, have to examine all of you who were abducted, just incase there are more cases of incomplete treatment."
"Of course," Kathryn replied. "And there may well be. A few of my crew claim to have ongoing problems as a result of the surgeries performed."
"I fear I may be one," Seven said. "I have not been quite myself since Quarren. I have found myself desiring romantic relationships with an urgency I have never had before. Perhaps the aliens enhanced my sexual drive so I would chose a mate and procreate. In an underpopulated civilization like theirs, it is imperative that as many women of childbearing age procreate as is possible."
"That certainly could be the case," Kathryn agreed. "But let's just wait and see. It's perfectly natural to desire a romantic partner and your recent longings may just be the result of your recovering of your humanity." She turned back to Admiral Paris. "How long will Chakotay's surgery take?"
"Perhaps hours," he answered. "The Doctor suggests you both go home. You've done all you can for Chakotay."
"I'll wait," Kathryn said. "But you go home, Seven. It's late in Sweden and you need to rest."
"Very well," she replied. "But I want The Doctor to contact me as soon as he's finished operating."
"We'll make sure of it," Kathryn reassured her.
"In the meantime," Admiral Paris said, "I must ask you both not to discuss this case with anyone. Tomorrow we will send out a medical summons to every crew member and will inform them what it's about when they arrive. We don't want the media getting a hold of this. They'll make a supernova out of a flare."
Seven spoke. "But surely B'Elanna should be informed. She and Chakotay are friends. She should know he is in surgery."
"To what end?" Admiral Paris asked. "There's nothing she can do for him. Why worry her? No, I'll tell her tonight when I get home."
"But..." Seven protested.
"Admiral Paris is right," Kathryn said. "There's no point worrying B'Elanna. She's got enough on her plate with Miral."
"I disagree, but I'll abide by your decision," Seven stated. "I won't speak of this to anyone."
"Thank you," Admiral Paris said. "And thank you for coming to me with this."
"Yes," Kathryn said, putting her hand on the former drone's shoulder. "Thank you for being open about this, for trusting me."
At this, Seven gave a wan smile. "There's no one I trust more."
While she waited for news on Chakotay, Kathryn retreated to her office. It was a grand one on the top floor and was amongst the offices of Starfleets most decorated admirals. The office still wasn't quite finished, as she wasn't due to start work for another six weeks, but it had a desk, a chair, a couch, a computer and a replicator. During the wait, Kathryn went through four cups of coffee and was just about to replicate a fifth when the door chime played. Kathryn opened the door in person, needing to do something to keep herself from going crazy, and she came face to face with The Doctor.
"Doctor," she said, "at last. How's Chakotay?"
"Recovering," he answered, stepping into her office. "He'll have a headache for a few hours, and will be disorientated, but by the morning he should be back to his old self...his old, old self."
"That's wonderful news," Kathryn smiled. "Well done, Doctor."
"Hardly," he replied. "If I'd done my job properly in the first place, none of this would have happened. Who knows how many others are walking around only half themselves because of me. Maybe even you."
"You did your best, Doctor. You had over a hundred people to treat. Don't be too hard on yourself."
"Then don't you be soft on me. I failed the Commander, and I've no doubt failed others too."
"You haven't failed anyone, Doctor. It's thanks to you that we were able to recover our former lives."
"But I should have assessed the Commander more carefully, especially when things were done to him that were not done to the rest of you. I shouldn't have treated him once and then never. No wonder he's been acting strange lately."
"If it's any consolation," Kathryn said, "I didn't notice anything different about him. He seemed to me the same Chakotay he's always been."
"Really? His infatuation with Seven? His rejection of his vegetarian diet? The signs were there, Admiral, but I missed them!"
"Seven's a very attractive and intelligent woman. Why wouldn't Chakotay have feelings for her?"
"Because you know why, Admiral. He's only ever had eyes for you. Do you think none of us ever noticed? No, I should have guessed something was wrong when he was suddenly in love with Seven."
"Chakotay and I did have feelings for each other once," Kathryn admitted, "but that doesn't mean he still does. Just because his memory was tampered with, doesn't mean his attraction to Seven isn't genuine. He may still be in love with her."
"As likely as he is to be still eating meat tomorrow! The surgery he was subjected to was intended to radically alter his personality. How else would they get him to betray us? Well, they succeeded!"
"It's easy to see signs with the benefit of hindsight," Kathryn reasoned. "It's harder in the moment. I didn't even know Chakotay had stopped being a vegetarian. This is the first I've heard of it, and we've dined together many times since Quarren."
"If I remember correctly, Admiral, Chakotay hasn't dined with you more than half a dozen times in the last six months. He's been too busy entertaining Seven."
"That's hardly fair, Doctor. Our dinners had to be canceled because of emergencies. That was hardly unusual. But Chakotay obviously hasn't been himself since Quarren and now we know why. Let's not blame ourselves, it will achieve nothing. Let's just concentrate on supporting him now."
"Well, all I can say is that it's a good thing Seven no longer wants him as he definitely won't be wanting her. She's had enough grief in her life, she doesn't need a broken heart."
"Let's just hope Chakotay doesn't have one," Kathryn said sincerely. "As I said, his feelings for her may be real. He did marry her in the Admiral's timeline."
"Yes, but maybe this condition was never detected. She said he was never the same after Seven's death. Well, maybe he was just never the same after Quarren but no one ever noticed. We can't second guess a future we know little about and will never happen now."
"All the same, there's a chance he will still be in love with her. We won't know until tomorrow." She couldn't let herself hope that he wouldn't be in love with her, that he would remember a former love, because to hope, only to have that hope dashed again, would hurt too much. "And, talking of Seven, she's eager to know how the operation went. Will you contact her? I promised her you would."
"Right away. I'll also schedule her in for an appointment. Who knows, maybe she's only half there too. You'll also need to be examined, Admiral. How about tomorrow, 9:00 hours? I may aswell start at the top."
"9:00 hours it is."
"Then I'll see you then. Now, go home, Admiral. There's no point staying here. Chakotay isn't allowed visitors until the morning."
"Then I'll be off," Kathryn said. "But remember what I said, Doctor, you mustn't blame yourself for this. You did your best and no one can ever do more than that."
"Sometimes the best just isn't good enough. I just hope Chakotay can forgive me."
"He won't, because there's nothing to forgive. You've always done your best by all of us, and none of us would be alive today if it wasn't for you. At some point over the last seven years you've saved all our lives. So, don't blame yourself for Chakotay not having been himself for the past few months, thank yourself that he's alive to be himself for the rest of his life. I mean it, Doctor. We couldn't have survived the Delta Quadrant without you. We all owe you our lives."
The Doctor's dull eyes brightened at these words. "I suppose," he said, "when you put it like that, I do have more to be proud of than ashamed. My successes do far outweigh my failings, far outweigh them. When I think of all the extraordinary things I did on a daily basis, that to me had become quite ordinary, I truly must acknowledge myself as a walking medical marvel."
"Absolutely, Doctor," Kathryn smiled. "Always be proud of your achievements, because I, and every other member of our crew, certainly am."
END OF CHAPTER ONE
