A/N: This story is dedicated to my friend Mia for her sudden loss. I originally wrote this in a notebook so I could see if it would be possible to actually complete a fanfiction in actual writing. But when Mia's loss happened and I watched what she went through I knew she deserved so much more than this world has been handing her. So, since I never do my part around her, this is kind of like my gift to her I suppose. It's kind of hard to explain sorry.
Summary: After Kurama's death, Hiei forces himself to live in a world of guilt. But after a sudden plea comes from an unexpected person a new battle arises, the one that could either save Hiei or kill him, the battle to heal. Not yaoi!
Title: The Science Of Healing
Chapter 1: With Another Day, It Starts Again
Hiei's P.O.VMy hollow eyes slide open once more and again I find that my hellish nightmares are not restricted only to the confines of my unconscious mind.
I inhale a breath of the cool morning air and again the clutching pain on my heart returns as my mind travels back.
You always did love these kinds of mornings.
The mornings when the cold hung in the air and the plants were wet with dew, there was always silence during this time of day; you always said it was relaxing… I never understood what you meant until now.
Kurama… it's been two months since you've died… and it has truly been the hardest thing I've ever been through, sometimes I think it's someone's sick joke to keep me alive here without you.
Sure, I've tried suicide, I tried it a number of times, and every time I would just remember when I was hurt and you used to shake your head with a small smile gracing your lips.
And then you'd fix it… you'd make it all better with your gentle fingers and your smooth words.
I stand up from the spot on the ground where I had been sleeping and shake the specific thoughts from my head.
I begin to walk out of the gated area like I do every morning, with no destination in mind, my hands in my pockets and my gaze down. I simply can't look at these normal ningens, living in their normal ningen life… it disgusted me.
After you died, Kurama, everything went to pieces, everything you placed a hand on, with the perfection of your touch went to Hell.
Yusuke and Kuwabara refuse to have anything to do with me, they blame me for your death, though I can't say I blame them.
Koenma 'released' me from having to work with his spirit detective, I know it's because they don't want me around, it's the look in their eyes that conveys their true feelings.
Genkai and Yukina… I haven't even gone to see them since your funeral, I think it would be too much to bear if I had to see my little sister hate me because of what happened anyway.
But overall I think the thing that was hardest to watch dies was your family, fox, your step-father and brother moved out after Shiori became depressed, they left her alone in that apartment.
I used to go back to your room almost every night and sit on the windowsill just like it used to be. Except now you were not coming into the room with sweet snow… or sitting at your desk doing that ningen 'math'.
And this time I was not there because it gave me a peace of mind… no, now I was there trying to take in that wonderful rose aroma that used to surround your being and lock it in my memory.
Because now the thing I fear the most is losing you again.
But after awhile the aroma left… and it was replaced with an old, musty smell that gripped my very being tighter with every breath I took.
It couldn't be true fox.
I look up from my daze, I've been walking and letting my feet take me where they wanted, with my mind now one I wasn't trying to control.
I was at Yusuke and Kuwabara's school; but why of all places? Students were still outside the building; the school had not started yet.
I could feel Yusuke up on the room, preparing to skip class I'm sure.
I wonder if he senses me here at all. Knowing him probably not. But then, what else would he be thinking about?
Kurama, you told me that's what Yusuke usually does up there, he thinks, but what would it be about now?
I'm sure it's not about you, no… after two months everyone is beginning to move on. Why is it that I'm the one being left behind to live within the past?
Kurama, do you blame me for your death like they do? … Probably not. I begin walking again as the school bell chimes for their day to begin. You've never been one to hold a grudge, none that you've ever shown me anyway.
If you did blame me I hope I never have to know about it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I knew you blamed me as well. Though I have to say, the curious part of me does want to know.
I remember the day that we lost you like it just happened, such a memory I cannot go a day without reliving.
We were on a case with the spirit detective, a demon was on a killing spree in the Ningenkai and we were to find and kill him, it would have been so easy had he not been such a high class demon.
Yusuke and Kuwabara took their attempt at weakening him while we fought off the weaker demons he had summoned. It seemed like any other case, when Yusuke and Kuwabara had had their turn it was finally ours.
Kurama, I chose you to be my fighting partner because you're more cutthroat in battle than I, whether it's easily shown or not. But also because you and I work so well together, I've never been able to understand how we do it, but we always did.
But this time, it was defiantly different.
I was thrown off the demon about ten feet away, I could have cleared that distance back to him easily, but just as I was about to, that's when everything slowed down and I watched as you were suddenly stabbed through the chest with his jagged blade.
I don't remember all of the fine details after this, I'm sure my mind wants to spare me of having to constantly relive the moments, but I'd rather torture myself with them.
I jumped back at the demon like I had originally planner on doing, I lodged my blade in his throat, my hands were bathed in his disgusting blood Kurama!
It was a sickening sight that I felt so much pleasure from!
Yusuke and Kuwabara went over to your fallen body and I made sure he was dead, I plead with you to understand kitsune!
I couldn't bear to look at your bloodied body, I couldn't, my Jagan allowed my ears to be filled with the sound of your slowing heart and I couldn't make it stop!
Until your heart finally stopped itself.
I remember stopping in place just as your heart did, still not facing you, it couldn't be true, it just couldn't, it wasn't fair!
And then I cried Kurama, for you! You didn't come back!
One black tear gem fell into my hand and that was all I would let fall. I hope you know that it was for you.
I slipped it into your hand at your funeral, it was an open casket and if it hadn't been for that tear gem I would never have been able to force myself to look upon your serene form.
You looked like you were sleeping, simply sleeping, somehow I forced myself to believe that as well while I was there.
After that, my life restarted itself into the living nightmare I'm locked in.
A/N: So that's the end of the first chapter. I hope this chapter was as sad as I really intended it to be, there will be more upsetting stuff later, promise.
PREVIEW: The next chapter is a flashback to when Hiei attends Kurama's funeral, and with Yusuke and Kuwabara having their hatred for him, there will defiantly be tension in the air.
Please review!
-Forbiddensoul562
