Technical Difficulties
Chapter One: In Which Our Heroine Discovers Something Rather Disconcerting
For some strange reason, eating cake late at night makes me write fanfictions. I must remember this when I get massive writer's block again.
Anyway, this idea is more crack-y than I intended it to be, but that's good, I can write another humor fic now! This takes place after Roy's transfer to Central, but before Hughes' untimely demise. I've grown to care for him a lot more than I originally did, and wanted to actually stick him in a fanfic somehow. This is the result, I suppose.
Rating: PG-13 for now. I may change it if I decide to include a sex scene or five. Kidding. Maybe.
Genre(s): Humor/Romance. With the emphasis on humor. Yes, there will be some other elements, but these are the main two.
Original Characters: Probably will be brief mentions, but they aren't the focus of the story.
Out of Characterness: Yes. Oh god, yes. Please forgive me. It's for the sake of the lulz. Or something like that.
Pairings: Only one, but you'll have to wait to find that out!
Summary: Riza had always been a smart girl. A smart, but unlucky girl. And when she forgets something and returns to the office one day, just who does she find making out on her desk? Needless to say, it's something she never expected.
Have fun. I did.
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"Sir, you've had all day."
"But, I was busy!"
"With what, precisely?"
"Well, I had to clean the windows—they were horribly dirty, you know!—and I had to go give some papers to Hughes, and you know how he talks and talks and never stops, and then I had to go unclog the toilets—"
"Sir, are you a plumber now?" Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant, sighed and looked down at the papers neatly stacked in the out box on her desk. Few things in life upset her the way Roy and his avoidance of paperwork did. "Those papers are very important, sir. You really need to complete them."
"But… I have to… go, right now, bye!" Roy waved, grabbed his jacket and was out the door before Riza could pull together a complaint. A glance at the clock revealed it was five, she should start heading home too. Wait, Roy had gone a whole day without doing any paperwork? She was going to have to shoot at him tomorrow. Maybe that would frighten him into doing the work.
With that, the First Lieutenant gathered her keys, her coat, and her puppy dog, Black Hayate, then proceeded to exit the building, nodding at the salutes the others gave her, and saluting any superior
officers she walked by. Though she did manage to slam into Major Frank Archer on her way past Hughes' office, and apologized quickly. That was one man she didn't want to cross. There was just something about Frank Archer that she didn't like. She had no real reason to dislike him—he was actually a lot like her, both of them were good with a gun, efficient with paperwork, and had a wonderful tendency to shoot at their superiors (though Hughes managed to hide the bullet holes in his wall with Elycia pictures)—but she just got some sort of eerie feeling whenever he was around…
Anyway, once in her car, Riza made sure Black Hayate was safe in the back before starting the twenty-five minute trek to her apartment. As she reached a red light, suddenly something caught her attention. Did she bring her gun? Oh no, she'd left it at the office, hadn't she? It wouldn't be closed yet, Breda was closing everything down later tonight. Good, she still had time, she could go back and get it. With that, she pulled a tight u-turn (Riza was a wonderful driver, but her tendencies to speed and break 'unimportant' laws would certainly get her in trouble one of these days) and sped back to Central Headquarters.
She didn't run, but quickly paced back toward the office, slowing only when she heard voices. Breda, perhaps? A glance at the wall clock clearly stated that it was fifteen after five, everyone would have left by now. A small frown, and she pressed a hand to the door, about to push it open when she heard a very distinct moan. That was not a moan of anger, distress, or agony, but rather a pleased moan. Riza's eyes widened to saucers. Was someone…? Here…? Of all places…? She inched the door a little further open, but was hesitant. Should she just open it all the way and see the perpetrators? Or maybe she should just leave now? What if it was something she didn't want to see? Wait, she shouldn't want to see that at all! Riza shook her head, but her thoughts were clouded again as someone in the room started speaking.
"Mm, Frankie-babe, you know I can't resist you,"
Riza nearly choked, and her eyes widened further, if possible. She only knew one person who's name could be mutated into 'Frankie-babe', and that was the last person on the face of the earth she would have expected to find in here. But even more frightening was the fact that the voice had been a man's. A very familiar man's. But it couldn't be. Could it?
Steeling herself, Riza finally pushed the door in and walked in as if she hadn't heard anything, though an embarrassed blush and widened eyes disproved that theory. She was just in time though, for she got to hear Frank Archer's rather pleased moan of, "Roy…"
And there they were, surprisingly enough. Frank Archer pinned down on her desk in a state of undress with Roy Mustang bent over him, teasing at the pale skinned man's neck. Riza's eyes went back to the 'ohmygod' wide state again, and she raised a hand to her mouth to cover the fact that her jaw was dropped. This was not what she had wanted to see. Not that she had wanted to see anything at all.
Suddenly, Archer's ice eyes popped open and he ended up staring over at her blankly. There was a very long pause before he nudged Roy off his neck and immediately began to redo the buttons on his shirt and uniform, now a bright shade of red to match Riza's.
"Frankie—" Roy started, frowning, obviously not very happy with the way things were turning out when he noted Archer's horrified stare over in Riza's direction. Roy turned his head and his jaw dropped as well, followed by a stream of muttered excuses.
And then the awkward silence came, leaving the three of them all the same color red with absolutely nothing to say. Archer finally did get off Riza's desk though, instead deciding to retreat for the room. It was a good idea, but unfortunately Riza recovered her wits before. "What… Actually, I don't want to know, sir. I just came to get my gun." She reached into the drawer and pulled it out, exactly where she had left it. She almost wondered for a moment if they'd been using it for anything else, then had to squeeze her eyes shut to block out the disturbing mental images. If anything, she would have expected Archer to be the dominant. "I don't want to know. But you do know that this is fraternization, correct, sir? If word of this got out…"
"But it won't, will it?" Roy asked, finally managing to strike up the usual conversational tone as if nothing had happened. The blush and nervous twisting of his hands gave him away. "You have no reason to tell anyone, right?"
"Of course not, sir." Riza stated dully. It was hard to believe that Sciezka's strange little theories were right on the money. She'd talked to the girl in private once, and Sciezka had gone off about how she was certain that Major Archer was gay for someone in the military. Must have been her alien senses or something.
Roy let out an audible sigh of relief. "Good, good,"
Archer didn't say anything, instead waiting by the door apprehensively.
"On one condition."
Both froze up and glanced in the other's direction. Riza, if it was possible, looked positively evil.
"You won't touch my desk again. And,"
"You said one!" Roy protested.
"Sir, be quiet." That was the first time she'd ever so bluntly asked him something like that, and Roy shut up immediately. Archer gave him a reproachful look that clearly said that he shouldn't let his subordinate boss him around. Or a woman. Something like that. Damn chauvinists. "And you will do your paperwork, sir."
"What!? That's an outrage! I won't stand for this!" Roy exclaimed, nearly striking his epic 'miniskirt speech' pose, but then a loud gunshot rang out and Roy yelped, ducking a little too late. The bullet had missed anyway.
"I suggest you do as she says, Mustang. She may be your subordinate, but if she mentions anything," Archer paused to put the gun away, and ignore the kicked puppy look Roy was sending his way, "then you won't be her boss, and I'll be out of work. Do you want to see me unemployed? Do you!?"
"No, Frankie, I love you! I'd never want that!"
…It's like a soap opera, Riza thought to herself, and found that more than a bit disturbing. Not to mention how Archer was blatantly using Roy. Wow, she'd never imagined that the men with the biggest
egos in this place would be caught making out on her desk. Well, sort of. But they had been on her desk. She needed some serious Lysol.
"Then don't mess this up! Do your damn work, like I've been telling you since day one!"
Come to think of it, when and how had those two gotten together? Actually, Riza didn't want to think about it. It was disturbing, and she really couldn't imagine it. So she just wouldn't think about it.
"Of course, I'm sorry, Frankie. I love you,"
Gag.
"It's alright, Roy, I love you too."
Choke. Riza thought she was going to die right then and there. She had never imagined that she'd hate love so much. But when it was her boss and a man that really irked her for some reason… well, it was more than just awkward. "And stop that, it's really disgusting."
She half expected to be greeted with replies of 'homophobe!' but instead, she got rather abashed looks. "Sorry," The two responded in unison, then finally slinked out of the room as Riza pointed a finger to the door. This was all too much. They were probably going to go off and screw in Hughes' office now.
…How exactly would they screw anyway?
Augh, no, bad Riza! She shook her head, determined to get the absolutely horrifying mental images out of her head. She did not want to even think about it, much less imagine it! Sciezka probably did that in her free time. Hey, Sciezka would love to know about this, wouldn't she? Maybe she'd tell her. After all, Sciezka was only a Private, and no one believed what she said anyway. Besides, if Riza had to keep this secret to herself, she might end up committing suicide from the horror of it all.
Anyway, she retrieved her gun then returned to the car, muttering to Black Hayate why men were stupid and speeding home. She certainly ran three red lights, and she'd be damned if she actually cared.
