Le crackfic for Dannie.
Don't kill me
Please
I don't own anything
And it's this date in England now, so yeah…
…
"Amelie, Amelie, look!" Myrnin, naturally, has bugged Amelie to the point where she has allowed him into her office.
And she already regrets this.
"If you dare to try and show me an advertisement for some car made out of cake once more, I shall ensure that Oliver acquires your spending budget, do you understand?" Amelie, having been a little peeved at being interrupted on her 'oh I miss life with Sam' thoughts, snaps at Myrnin who recoils.
"That Skoda advertisement makes me want to buy a car, Amelie, which I believe is a necessary part of my rehabilitation – that you are making me do – into normal life," Myrnin sighs deeply in the most theatrical of manners, flopping into her spare chair at an angle. "No, I am here to unveil to you the newest location where my portal can go," he puffs his chest out because he's really proud.
But he doesn't have far to puff it because, although he's like super-duper strong, he doesn't have much body muscle. Which makes him look weak…which is more than sad.
Deciding to humour him, Amelie rolls her eyes but places her pen down, debating whether she can sneak out of her office for another trip to the graveyard soon or not. OCD woman to the max here, if anyone couldn't tell. "Pray tell where this marvellous portal – which wasn't even working three hours ago, as far as I could tell from your frustrated phone calls where you insinuated the entire world despised you – takes you to, because I haven't the faintest idea."
Myrnin grins. "Do you want me to tell you?"
Amelie sighs. "If you must."
"No," Myrnin repeats, his voice hardening. "Do you want me to tell you?"
Amelie repeats her sigh, yet with more volume. "If you must, Myrnin, if it is necessary for you to do so."
"Do you want me to tell you?" he snaps this time, unable to help himself.
"If I say yes, shall you leave me be?" Amelie picks her pen up again.
"Um…yes…"
"Then, yes, I would like you to tell me," she replies.
"It…goes to Duluth, Minnesota!" he screeches with such volume that Oliver, over in Common Grounds, prepares for an earthquake because he thinks it's the screaming of a dog thinking there's an earthquake.
"Why on earth would I want to go there?" Amelie responds, an edge of shock in her voice. "There's nothing at all there. I have much more pressing things to do."
"You promised," naturally, Myrnin pulls out the pout to try and get what he wants.
"When did I promise this request I have never heard before this moment in time?" she snaps back at him, wondering if Oliver would mind being a hit man for a day so she can get rid of Myrnin.
"AHEM!" Myrnin now clears his throat so loudly that Amelie, instinctively, jumps. "You promised back when I was ill that you would do what I wanted to do on the 9th November 2011, which is what the date is today. And, I want to go to Duluth!"
Amelie sighs. "If I do this, frankly, pointless thing you desire me to do, will you leave me alone to be in a state of grief?"
After a brief train of thought (after all, Myrnin's brain is consumed with…him), Myrnin nods. "Yes. As long as you don't tell anyone that I'm letting you out of Morganville. It would be bad for the we don't leave strategy."
All Amelie does is look at him with daggers in her eyes.
"Let us leave then," she stands and pulls on a fur coat – the north of North America is cold - before stalking over to the portal. "Well, Myrnin, can we leave now so I have a hope of returning before the sun goes down, or must I be forced to stand through your incessant moaning about what is going on?" sounding less and less like her usual self with every word, Amelie tries to pull a diva fit that goes down in flames.
Myrnin doesn't say a word, simply starts singing some national anthem that isn't recognised by Amelie simply because she's a patriot and only memorised the French one, before pulling open the portal…
…to reveal a dirt track.
"Are you entirely sane, Myrnin, or did you lie to me so you could escape your hovel?" Amelie marvels in horror as she is pushed through the portal, which promptly disappears as Myrnin murmurs lovingly to it.
"I am perfectly sane – I simply wished for you to understand the outskirts of Duluth as well as the Lake Superior," Myrnin, without a beat's hesitation, continues, stepping forwards. "I believe it adds a nice cultural twist to the visit, which shan't be long, most unfortunately."
Then he begins to stride in some direction as if he's been living here his entire life (well, he thinks he has…remember, not entirely sane vampire here) and Amelie follows in his wake, regretting agreeing to this because she may miss her nail appointment she needs to go to before seeing Sam.
.
After about thirty minutes of Myrnin getting lost in all these woods – why Minnesota is so coniferous, he will never know – they finally emerge onto Lake Superior.
Where Myrnin promptly throws himself off the 400 foot cliff and falls to the water below, screaming all the way down before hitting the water with a splash.
It's very pretty, Amelie decides, with the trees and then the view over the Lake, and she wants to move here. It's not even that sunny and she's very glad she has her fur winter coat because otherwise she may have appeared slightly odd, sitting alone in a silk dress.
Not as odd as Myrnin, however, who has trekked up the mountain thing to reach Amelie, absolutely sopping wet.
"Have you enjoyed yourself enough?" Amelie asks sharply.
"Yes," Myrnin simply nods. "Would you like to leave now?"
"I would, most certainly," Amelie's forehead creases as she remembers something. "One second, Myrnin. You say we are in Duluth, yet there are no dirt tracks into the town, nor are there trees…and, finally, there are no cliffs."
Myrnin simply shrugs. "I got to jump into the water, Amelie, and I programmed it to say Duluth, so therefore I presume this is Duluth," he is no longer bothered now he has gotten what he wants. "I'm hungry. Let's go home."
And whilst they walk back to the portal, Amelie wonders where they really are.
They reach the dirt track and spot someone, Amelie deciding to ask where they are. "Excuse me, are we in Duluth?" she asks politely, knowing that first impressions are the most important – they were with her and Myrnin, after all.
The man laughs and shakes his head. "No, lassie, you're not in Duluth. I don't know where you are because I just moved here from a large city, yet this isn't Duluth."
And he walks off.
Amelie, now infuriated, checks her mobile phone (she has to have it with her at all times; what if Claire got into an accident?) to see there is no network coverage.
"Amelie…I may or may not have misplaced the portal," Myrnin's hesitant voice enrages Amelie beyond belief.
"You mean to say," she snaps, getting the hang of being rather bitchy now – maybe it's thinking she's in Duluth. "We – rather you – chose to come here because you desired to visit Duluth. I accepted that and came along; I accepted this and watched as you got us lost before then jumping into the lake. I accepted that when it turns out we are not in Duluth."
She takes a step closer to him and almost hits his face. "And now we are stuck in this mystery place with no means by which to return to Morganville, in Texas! And I have no means to contact anyone. Is that what you are saying?"
Myrnin blinks, swallows and nods. "Yes. That is what I am saying."
Amelie growls and sits down on the grass in a strop. And then she hears.
"I want to go to Duluth."
...
To clarify, Duluth does not have:
A dirt track into it
Forests
400ft cliffs
Portals
Amelie
Myrnin
.
After that, please review.
And I'm hoping not to be dead soon.
Vicky xx
