Author's note: first Twilight fanfic, but this is a PARODY just so you know! Review please!

Disclaimer: if I owned this, I wouldn't be writing a fanfic about it.

Bella's POV

"Dad, are you for real? This piece of crap?" I asked my dad.

He'd just presented to me an old, worn-our Ford, which I was now determined to hate.

"Geez, Bells. When did you become such an ungrateful teenager?" he asked.

"Well, there wasn't a prequel yet, so I don't know who scarred me so badly I appreciate nothing." I said.

"What?" he asked.

"This Stephenie chick has been following me around everywhere since she figured my incredible dullness attracted vampires." I said.

"Oh, you are pretty dull. But vampires? For real? Wasn't that concept used up a long time ago?" Charlie asked.

"Oh, yeah. So, where's the school?" I asked.

"Just off the highway…" Charlie said, but I tuned him out.

Of course it was off the highway. This was such a small town, they could barely squeeze in half of the obese people from my old school.

"Oh, well I better be getting off, then." I said.

See I wasn't even sure why I left Phoenix. Sure, I didn't have a life or a tan, but at least it was warm there.

As I pulled up my car in the driveway, I was struck by the sheer smallness this school gave off.

See, there must've been some baby boom about seventeen years ago, cause there sure were a lot of kids in this grade for such a small town.

"Hi, I'm, like, Jessica!" a petite girl with a very thick, very fake Valley Girl accent.

"Hi, Jessica. I'm Bella." I said, responding in a very quiet manner, making sure to look away from her while I spoke.

"Wow, that's like, totally ironic! Bella means beautiful in Italian, and, like, ohhh… sorry." she said, pumping her spray-tanned arms to keep up with my purposely quick pace that I used to avoid social interaction.

"Yeah, I get that a lot. Bye!" I said, then quickly walked away.

"Hey, you new in town?" a very normal, scruffy-looking boy who seemed to be a player, but I decided to interact with him anyway.

"Yes, my name is Bella. And I think I'm gonna keep talking to you so you get the impression I like you, but really I'll break you heart in the end, even though you're perfectly good looking." I said.

I do that a lot.

"Oh, a smart one" a gay-sounding voice came from behind me.

This pattern of boys coming up and hitting on me continued, and then they came in at lunch.

I was sitting with Jessica when it happened.

They came in an orderly fashion.

The huge one, who looked like a pale Situation. The gorgeous one, who looked like Hannah Montana (did I mention I'm very pure?). The small one, who looked like Alice in Wonderland with her hair (and about five inches) chopped off. The lanky one, who looked possessed.

And then there was the prettiest of them all, with golden hair, which was quite nice, even if he did have a bed head, with pale, glittery skin who looked semi-ripped, but I was to occupied thinking about his soul to think about what he might be like in bed.

"Bitch, puh-lease! They are all so out of your league! Plus, none of them are lesbian!" Jessica said, following my gaze.

"I know. I mean, I'm not lesbian. Who's the golden one?" I asked, because I was pretty sure I was going to fall in love with him by the end of our first date.

If he would only talk to me.

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