Part 1: The Annoyingly Necessary History Lesson
FUTURE theAuthor[TA] from 200 years from now began pestering you.
FTA: wow um.
FTA: you actually clicked on this piece of garbage?
FTA: Like this shits been done like, 50 other times? who am i to claim i can do it better?
FTA: but that aside
FTA: Thanks, I guess.
FTA: For falling for the clickbait title, that is.
FTA: just kidding. sort of.
FTA: but anyways, i might as well give you the lowdown.
FTA: the exposition.
FTA: The backstory.
FTA: so blah, blah, trolls, blah blah, humans, existed without knowledge of each other.
FTA: Nothing of interest.
FTA: but then
FTA: and dont ask me how, cuz i dont know
FTA: the condense
FTA: the condenese
FTA: the queen of the fuckin trolls or whatever she's called
FTA: hears about us through like some bullshit or whatever
FTA: And she's like
FTA: "oh well whoop-de-fuckin-doo go get 'em boys."
FTA: thing is though
FTA: when the first few ships showed up, they weren't really expecting a generation of people raised on movies like Independence Day and shit
FTA: so after we Will Smith welcomed to earthed the mf-ers
FTA: and they alien v predator'd us
FTA: the big ol fish bitch herself decides to show up and fuck shit up
FTA: personally
FTA: and holy hell
FTA: did she fuck shit up
FTA: literally almost all of the USA and Europe went down after a while
FTA: the smaller countries got overrun almost immediately
FTA: everyone enslaved and shit
FTA: but then the Russians get an idea
FTA: and that idea about amounted to "hey lets trojan horse this bitch lmao"
FTA: and the crazy thing was
FTA: it worked.
FTA: some crazy motherfucker by the name of Mikhail Dibrovski
FTA: a man of brazen balls and few brain cells
FTA: got sent up with a nuke and a note that pretty much said
FTA: "this is the apex of what human science can produce"
FTA: "we hope you will accept it as an offering of peace"
FTA: "it is the most valuable piece of tech we have"
FTA: and dingdingding
FTA: they let him in at the word "valuable"
FTA: they got a translator to force him to demonstrate what it did
FTA: and oh man
FTA: we only know what went down cuz he left his radio on by accident
FTA: "Well, human? What does it do?"
FTA: and the ballsy motherfucker just says
FTA: "This."
FTA: beep. button pressed.
FTA: boom.
FTA: no more fleet.
FTA: humanity wasn't free, mind you
FTA: it took another hundred years of war just to get a truce going
FTA: (and dont tell your troll friends, but we were actually about to give up)
FTA: the borders were strict at first
FTA: but then
FTA: the barriers were broken
FTA: because no matter what
FTA: humans and trolls? we're a horny bunch of bastards.
FTA: literally, in the latter's case.
FTA: you heard me.
FTA: barriers were broken sheerly because we were interested in screwing each other
FTA: love conquers all
FTA: and so does hate, i guess.
FTA: we're still getting used to living with aliens
FTA: that's where i come in
FTA: i'm a journalist, you see
FTA: and what i do is report on the interactions.
FTA: so!
FTA: now that you have the backstory
FTA: I need you all to tell me about all the interesting things that happened to your troll friends recently.
FTA: speciests, faux paus, romance
FTA: just private message me a description of the incident and those involved
FTA: and i should have a story up about them in a week or less!
FTA: seriously, like
FTA: we're a small town paper
FTA: and like
FTA: two trolls live here
FTA: and all they do is binge on coffee and occasionally try to rob the local gas station
FTA: and they never succeed!
FTA: so i need more interesting shit to report on! I'm fucking bored.
FTA: so help me out, all right?
FTA: hell, even the like, 12 famous ones. You know them.
FTA: just pull a story from the tabloids. no one here reads that crap anyways
FTA: see you in what you perceive to be a week or so
