Part 1: The Annoyingly Necessary History Lesson

FUTURE theAuthor[TA] from 200 years from now began pestering you.

FTA: wow um.

FTA: you actually clicked on this piece of garbage?

FTA: Like this shits been done like, 50 other times? who am i to claim i can do it better?

FTA: but that aside

FTA: Thanks, I guess.

FTA: For falling for the clickbait title, that is.

FTA: just kidding. sort of.

FTA: but anyways, i might as well give you the lowdown.

FTA: the exposition.

FTA: The backstory.

FTA: so blah, blah, trolls, blah blah, humans, existed without knowledge of each other.

FTA: Nothing of interest.

FTA: but then

FTA: and dont ask me how, cuz i dont know

FTA: the condense

FTA: the condenese

FTA: the queen of the fuckin trolls or whatever she's called

FTA: hears about us through like some bullshit or whatever

FTA: And she's like

FTA: "oh well whoop-de-fuckin-doo go get 'em boys."

FTA: thing is though

FTA: when the first few ships showed up, they weren't really expecting a generation of people raised on movies like Independence Day and shit

FTA: so after we Will Smith welcomed to earthed the mf-ers

FTA: and they alien v predator'd us

FTA: the big ol fish bitch herself decides to show up and fuck shit up

FTA: personally

FTA: and holy hell

FTA: did she fuck shit up

FTA: literally almost all of the USA and Europe went down after a while

FTA: the smaller countries got overrun almost immediately

FTA: everyone enslaved and shit

FTA: but then the Russians get an idea

FTA: and that idea about amounted to "hey lets trojan horse this bitch lmao"

FTA: and the crazy thing was

FTA: it worked.

FTA: some crazy motherfucker by the name of Mikhail Dibrovski

FTA: a man of brazen balls and few brain cells

FTA: got sent up with a nuke and a note that pretty much said

FTA: "this is the apex of what human science can produce"

FTA: "we hope you will accept it as an offering of peace"

FTA: "it is the most valuable piece of tech we have"

FTA: and dingdingding

FTA: they let him in at the word "valuable"

FTA: they got a translator to force him to demonstrate what it did

FTA: and oh man

FTA: we only know what went down cuz he left his radio on by accident

FTA: "Well, human? What does it do?"

FTA: and the ballsy motherfucker just says

FTA: "This."

FTA: beep. button pressed.

FTA: boom.

FTA: no more fleet.

FTA: humanity wasn't free, mind you

FTA: it took another hundred years of war just to get a truce going

FTA: (and dont tell your troll friends, but we were actually about to give up)

FTA: the borders were strict at first

FTA: but then

FTA: the barriers were broken

FTA: because no matter what

FTA: humans and trolls? we're a horny bunch of bastards.

FTA: literally, in the latter's case.

FTA: you heard me.

FTA: barriers were broken sheerly because we were interested in screwing each other

FTA: love conquers all

FTA: and so does hate, i guess.

FTA: we're still getting used to living with aliens

FTA: that's where i come in

FTA: i'm a journalist, you see

FTA: and what i do is report on the interactions.

FTA: so!

FTA: now that you have the backstory

FTA: I need you all to tell me about all the interesting things that happened to your troll friends recently.

FTA: speciests, faux paus, romance

FTA: just private message me a description of the incident and those involved

FTA: and i should have a story up about them in a week or less!

FTA: seriously, like

FTA: we're a small town paper

FTA: and like

FTA: two trolls live here

FTA: and all they do is binge on coffee and occasionally try to rob the local gas station

FTA: and they never succeed!

FTA: so i need more interesting shit to report on! I'm fucking bored.

FTA: so help me out, all right?

FTA: hell, even the like, 12 famous ones. You know them.

FTA: just pull a story from the tabloids. no one here reads that crap anyways

FTA: see you in what you perceive to be a week or so