Coming Out

Part 1

"What would make you happy?"

Luke's question had been echoing in Noah's mind for over a week now. There were so many answers. It made him happy when his father looked at him with pride. It made him happy when he and Maddie watched old movies and spoke the lines to each other. And it made him happy in a way he had never felt before when Luke smiled at him, kissed him, talked to him.

And he couldn't have them all. So what it really came down to was that lying to all these people he cared about was making him miserable. So he had to tell Maddie. And then… well, he would worry about that later.

But how do you tell someone that you've been using them? Not just some anonymous someone, but someone who you care about? He'd never done anything like this before. He'd never betrayed someone before.

And they were living together now. He would have to leave. And that would be as good a way to broach the conversation as anything else. So he got out his duffle and began to pack some clothes.

As he packed he stopped and looked at the bag he was using. It was an army duffle, one he got from his father. On the side, white spray paint broke the olive green with his father's name. He had had this bag longer than he could remember. Every time he had arrived at a new base, a new town, he had arrived with this bag. And even though his childhood wasn't happy, it still hurt when he realized that he could never go back to that part of his life.

But he still grabbed a shirt and kept packing. Maddie would be back from seeing Henry and Vienna soon, and he would have to be ready to tell her and leave. Ready to tell her that he had used her, that he had betrayed her. Ready to tell her that he… that he was gay. That was hard even to think about. A few days ago, he couldn't even admit it to himself. He shook his head and took a deep breath. He would have to get used to telling people—he was going to have to do it a lot in the next couple of days.

He looked into the empty bedroom and for the first time in his life, he said "I'm gay." Somehow the words didn't sound as dangerous out loud. He had expected to feel dirty when he said them. Instead be felt relief. He smiled. He knew that this wouldn't be easy, but it felt good to say that and not hate himself for it. As he grabbed his stuff from the bathroom and closed up his bag, he felt better than he had in a long time.

But that went away the front door opened and Maddie looked at him, already hurt and confused. "Noah? Wh-why are you packed? What's going on?"

Even with all of his father's bullying and pressuring, even with all the slurs he had heard and even said over the years, he had never felt quite as ashamed as he felt right now. And he knew, no matter how happy it made his father to see them together, what he had done to Maddie had made him less of a man.

He put down the duffel in the hall and took a second to gather his nerve. The he looked he in the eye and said "Maddie, we need to talk." He only hoped that someday she might forgive him.