The Portal
By Josh Lindberg
It was Tuesday Night, and I was on my way to dance class. It had been a particularly rough day at work, and I was looking forward to dancing around to Michael Jackson's thriller. Unfortunately, it seems fate had a different plan for me that night. As I was preparing to pull into the parking lot, a portal opened up. I tried to drive around it, but it followed me everywhere I went. The scenery seemed to change all around me. It seemed that I was no longer in Lexington, South Carolina, but somewhere completely different. At this point I was pretty scared, so I pulled over to the side of the road. Just then, I saw a black mustang pull over on the side of the road. To my surprise, it appeared to be Community star Joel McHale.
"Oh wow, I certainly did not expect this." I said nervously. "Would you happen to know where we are?"
"I was about to ask you the same question." Joel responded. "I was driving home from our 50th school dance this year when suddenly this portal appeared. Next thing I knew, I ended up here."
"Yeah, I was actually driving towards dance class when that portal appeared."
"Really getting into character there." Joel muttered.
"I'm sorry?"
"Nothing. Anyway, there has to be a town around here somewhere."
"Yeah, hopefully with a gas station. I need to gas up my car. I had actually planned to drive by the gas station tonight after class. "
So Joel and I drove our respective cars to the nearest town and drove around until we found a gas station. I put my card into the slot, but unfortunately for some reason, the machine would not take my card.
"Hey Joel, my card isn't working for whatever reason. Do you mind if I use yours?"
"Yeah, my name isn't Joel, it's Jeff." Joel said. "And I barely have enough money to get myself gas. Besides, don't you have money being somewhat of a big Hollywood star?"
"What are you talking about?" I demanded. "I've never been to Hollywood. I've done some acting at Trustus."
"What the fuck is Trustus?" Joel asked.
"It's one of our local theaters in Columbia." I explained. "Anyway, you're the big Hollywood star here, what with Community and The Soup."
"What are you talking about?" Joel asked, obviously annoyed. "I go to a crappy community college in Colorado, just so I can be a lawyer again."
"I never took you as a method actor Joel." I said with a smirk.
"Okay, where do you get off calling me Joel? My name is Jeff Winger! How would you like it if I called you the wrong name? In fact, I'm just gonna start calling you Josh Lindberg. How do you like that?"
" How you do know my name?" I asked defensively.
"You're kidding right?" Jeff asked incredulously. "You really want to stick with that lame character?"
"What do you mean by that?" I asked angrily.
"Look, I'm not an idiot. I know that you're really that geeky Michael Allen Paul dude from Goins Dancing. Now stop treating me like an idiot and get out of character."
"I could say the same about you, Joel McHale." I shot back. "Do you really think that you are your character from Community? Granted, I'm a big fan of the show, but I never thought the character of Jeff Winger was someone you wanted to live as 24/7."
Just then the cast of Glee walked into the gas station and started performing Ke$ha's Your Love is my drug.
"So Goins Dancing huh? What is that about?"
"Yeah it's about a girl who happens to own a dance studio and how she's finding her way in the world or something stupid like that. Totally not a fan."
"What channel does it come on?"
"CBS."
"Ugh, are you serious."
"Yeah, sorry. At least you know it won't be canceled. They kept 2 and ½ Men on for years before they canceled it."
"What happened?"
"Charlie Sheen had a meltdown and started talking about how he was 'winning' with his tiger blood."
"Yeah, that happened in my universe too. I guess Charlie Sheen's a constant on all universes unfortunately."
"Yeah, but it's not as bad as this."
The cast of Glee walked out of the gas station laughing it up. I figured that I might go up and introduce myself to them. Maybe they could somehow help Jeff and I return to our own universes.
"Hey my name is…"
"WE don't really care what your name is you Lima loser." Kurt said with a vicious tone that quite surprised me.
"Hey, that's uncalled for." Jeff said as he strode up to confront the Glee kids. "He was just asking you a question."
"These rubes are not worth our time." Rachel said very nasally. "Give them the slushy treatment."
"Really, the 'slushy treatment'?" Jeff asked sarcastically. "No, anything but that."
"Well, you asked for it." Rachel said smugly. Just then, the Glee kids seemed to materialize slushies out of thin air. Before I knew it, I was overcome by a stinging cold sticky sensation. The Glee kids jumped in their bus and laughed evilly and Jeff and I tried to wipe the slush off of our clothes.
"That was odd." I remarked. "They seem so much nicer on TV."
"Are you watching the same show I have been?" Jeff asked. "All those kids are total dicks."
"Yeah, but they've never been that overtly aggressive or mean." I responded. "So you wouldn't happen to know a way to get back to our respective homes would you?"
"No I don't. Do I look like an interdimensional scientist."
"Kind of."
"Really, you think I look like an interdimensional scientist?" Jeff asked sarcastically.
"Well your double in my universe played an FBI agent once."
"Is that the same thing as an FBI agent?"
"Well no…but…"
"Well then I don't look like an interdimensional scientist. I think the best thing for us to do is to integrate into society."
"Well, how the heck are we going to do that?" I asked. "We don't have any job history or anything like that."
"Well, I forged my pre-law degree; I could certainly forge school and job histories for both of us."
"Awesome. Say could you make a drama teacher? That's actually kind of what I want to do."
"That's not gonna work. This is an hour long high school comedy. You look too young to be a high school teacher. I could easily make you a student."
"What, are you serious?" I asked angrily. "I don't want to go back to friggin high school."
"You work at a convenience store or something. I don't think you even know what kind of company you work for."
"I don't really care either. I kind of forget about what happens at work. That's intentional."
"And now you get to relive high school."
"Okay, what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to be a lawyer again."
"Okay, but you're going to have to enroll me at William McKinley High. Are you going to pose as my dad or something?"
"Do I look old enough to be your dad?"
"Do I look young enough to be a high schooler? Do any of these Glee kids look young enough?"
"Good point. Let's find a motel. I have some extra cash on me."
