Emmett Cullen: Wedding Planner (Two part one-shot)
Phase 1: I am a genius
You know the type of guy that everyone gets pissed at for being such a lovable goof? Yeah, that's me. I apparently have no self control…which sucks since I'm a creature of the night. Well…I can't even say creature of the night, because I go out during the day, too. Although I do tend to avoid going out in the sunlight. Not because I'll explode or anything. Hell, sometimes I wish my body reacted that cool to sunlight. But instead of some freaking awesome explosion - daylight causes me to sparkle…
Yes…I frickin sparkle in the sunlight. Some days I want to kick my own glittery ass. Although, it does have its advantages. Chicks apparently dig sparkly shit. One day I was spending time with my family and some of our friends from Alaska. We were hanging out in the house and my friend Kate was kicking my ass at Chinese Checkers when I saw the sun come drifting in one of our windows.
"Let's go outside," my sister, Alice suggested.
"Excellent idea." I grinned. That way I didn't have to lose to a girl.
"Don't get any ideas, Emmett." Kate shook her head. "We're finishing this game when we're done outside."
Crap. Women never forgot anything, and they never let you live it down if they beat you at something.
We bounded out into the trees and chased one another for a while. We came to a clearing and everyone stopped. No one wanted to risk exposure. Everyone was afraid to walk into the sunlight...everyone but me.
"Check this out." I'd stripped out of my shirt and walked out into the sun. "That's right. I totally sparkle…"
My brothers Edward and Jasper just rolled their eyes while Kate and her sister Tanya marveled at my manly muscles. One person was not impressed.
"We all sparkle you idiot." Rosalie, my beautiful babe piped in. That's the day that I knew I was going to marry that woman. Rosalie gave me hell…and I loved her for it. She never let me get away with anything. She wasn't afraid to challenge me…and that made her sexy as sin. And I was reminded of how lucky I was each time we got married. That's right, we've been 'married' six times to date. We do it mostly for show for the humans around us. Every decade or so we move on to a new place, and after a few years I ask her to marry me in some hokey way. The last time I'd gotten down on one knee and given her a ten carat diamond and asked her to be mine.
Her response?
"I don't need the diamond. You sparkle, remember?"
Sometimes I think my wife only married me because I looked like a damn walking jewelry store add in the sunlight. But she said yes to me every time I asked her, so she must love me…or diamonds a lot.
By the sixth time we got married I had the whole speech memorized. I really could have just married us ourselves if I wanted to. I toyed with the idea of becoming an ordained minister so I could surprise Rosalie in twenty years and marry us myself. Fortunately for me a wind of good luck came my way. Good luck named Bella Swan. After a tense "will-they or won't they, oh I can't live without you" plot, Bella got engaged to Edward.
Bella wasn't like the rest of us. Not only was she a human, but she was fiercely annoying when it came to anything relating to her wedding. She drove Edward crazy with her requests that the wedding be some modern day 'court-house two witness minimum affair.' Edward countered and played on her guilt factor and told her that she owed it to her parents to do it the right way. Edward usually didn't wear the pants in their relationship, but he got to her with his "What about your mommy and daddy?" comments. Bella finally gave in and told him that they could have a real wedding. But the kicker is that she didn't really want anything to do with the planning.
Enter me and my brilliant plan.
"So, what brings you to see me today, Bella?" I asked as my klutzy sister-to-be meekly entered my room. I kicked some of my underwear out of view and cleared my throat.
"I just need a place to hide from Alice and Rosalie. They're going crazy with this 'wedding planner' stuff." Bella sat down on my kick-ass beanbag chair.
"You really aren't like other girls, you know that?" I asked. "Most chicks are all into that dress-up and paint your face kind of crap."
"It's not that I'm not into it. It's just that I'm not into the whole 'wedding' theme," she admitted.
"What do you have against weddings?"
"I'm a product of a divorced household." She gave me an odd look.
"And that is somehow the wedding's fault?"
"Well, no…I guess not. But…"
"Look, just loosen up. If you wanna fit in in this family you've got to learn how to go with the flow." I shoved her playfully.
"I suppose you're right." She smiled.
"I'm the smart one in the family." I tapped my head with a smile.
"I find that hard to believe." She furrowed her brow. She relaxed her face and laughed softly. "So Edward tells me that you're in the running for best man."
"That bastard hasn't decided yet?" I growled. "For the love of God…Jasper barely says two words a day. How in the hell could he give a speech in front of a bunch of people?"
"There's also Carlisle." Bella reminded me that the "best man" title was a three way tie at the moment.
Carlisle was good at that kind of thing. I couldn't be mad that he was better at being likable than me.
"Just between us?" Bella lowered her voice. "I kind of hope he picks you."
"Really?"
She nodded. "I'm really nervous about this whole thing and I know you'll make it…memorable."
"Damn skippy." I tussled her hair.
"Bella! There you are!" Alice came running in the room. "We've been looking all over for you! Come on. Rose and I are taking you into town to try on wedding dresses!"
Before Bella could object Alice had her on her feet and was pulling her towards the door. I think she mouthed "save me" as Alice dragged her out of the room.
"Go easy on her, Alice!" I exclaimed after them.
So, Bella wanted the wedding to be memorable. And I wanted to practice my marriage skills before surprising Rosalie in twenty years. It didn't take a genius to figure out what I needed to do…although it did take me several hours to piece together the puzzle.
The next day I started researching some stuff online.
"You've been sitting in front of that thing all day. You're going to rot your brain." Rosalie walked into the room.
"Brain's been rotting for years, dear," I responded. "Besides…I can probably just buy a new one on Ebay."
"What are you doing?" she questioned curiously.
"Getting a degree online. I love technology." I beamed. "Did you know that people can grocery shop online?"
"Why would we need groceries?" Rosalie frowned.
I faced her seriously.
"You aren't at all curious as to what degree I'm currently obtaining?"
"Do they have clown college courses online nowadays?" Rosalie snorted as she walked out of the room.
I went back to my computer only to be interrupted again.
"She may not be curious, but I want to know why you're getting a degree in ministry." Edward came slinking out of the shadows.
"I'm going to put a bell around your neck." His presence surprised me.
"Emmett, what are you up to?" he asked.
Normally he just read my mind when he wanted to know what I was up to. But I was replaying last night's game in my head to keep my thoughts about his wedding a surprise.
Third and down…
"Emmett…" Edward frowned.
Score seventeen to seventeen in the fourth quarter…
"Don't toy with me…"
Fifty three seconds left on the clock…
"I mean it…"
There's the snap…he passes…
"You have three seconds to start talking."
Not now, Edward. I'm watching the game.
"Spoiler alert: your team lost…and you owe me fifty bucks."
"You're mean." I frowned. "And did you seriously just say 'spoiler alert?' You lose twenty cool points for that. Of course you didn't have any to begin with so now you're at negative twenty."
"You can do math? I'm surprised." Edward replied coolly.
I lost my concentration and some details about their wedding slipped into my head.
"Wait, that's what you're up to? You want to marry us?"
Instead of screaming at me in anger, my brother was laughing hysterically at me.
"You're not pissed?"
"No. I think it's hilarious."
"Hey, it was your idea." I tried a last ditch effort in order to take the blame off of me.
A while back he'd told Bella that I was becoming an ordained minister for their wedding. She hadn't reacted well. But I found it amusing.
"You do realize that I was joking when I said that, don't you?" he asked.
"You? Telling a joke? That's a laugh!" I shoved Edward playfully. "You do realize that you're not the funny one in the family?"
"I didn't mean for you to actually go through with it."
Wasn't ALL your idea, bro. I admitted in thought. I tapped my head and let him in on my plan for Rosalie in twenty years. Ulterior motive. I'm planning ahead.
"Wow, that's actually kind of sweet and thoughtful." Edward smiled. "Who are you, and what have you done with my brother?"
"Still not the funny one in the family." I reminded him. "Look, consider this my wedding gift to the two of you. You just take care of the bride. I'll handle the rest."
"It's not going to happen, Emmett." Edward was his serious uptight ass again.
"Too late." I grinned. The flashing screen in front of me was congratulating me on becoming an ordained minister. I grinned. "I've already got the whole thing planned out."
I stood up and dashed out of the room. Edward followed me.
"What do you mean planned out?" he asked.
"You'll find out at the wedding. Later, dude." I ran out the door.
He followed me for a while. I lost him after making a few unexpected turns. A few minutes later my phone started jingling the "Piano Man" ringtone I had set for Edward.
"Yes?" I answered.
"Here's a tip. When you're running away…don't take your phone with you." I could actually hear Edward rolling his eyes at me.
"But then how am I supposed to make prank phone calls?" I asked.
"Come home," Edward said calmly.
"No. I don't think I will." I shook my head.
"Why not?"
"I want to enjoy the beauty of mother nature for a few days." I snickered.
"Emmett, you're avoiding me!" Edward grumbled angrily into the phone.
"Wow. You're smart," I said sarcastically.
"If you won't come home then I'll just have Alice tell me what you're planning."
"Good luck with that. See ya at the wedding." I hung up.
I smirked. I already had a plan in motion so Alice couldn't tell what I was going to do. I knew that Bella would love this whole thing. She wanted something memorable…
I got a phone call three minutes later. From the "I Wanna Be Sedated" ringtone I knew that it was my tiny angry sister this time.
"Hello?" I answered.
"What are you up to, Emmett?" Alice asked suspiciously. "Why can't I see the wedding?"
"I dunno. Maybe you're broken." I chuckled. "Do they have crystal ball repair shops?"
"If you do anything to ruin this day for Bella, so help me, I'll…"
"You'll what? Punch me in the ankles?"
"Don't make me angry…"
"Cuz I wouldn't like you when you're angry, right?"
I couldn't help but quote The Incredible Hulk. I almost doubled over in laughter thinking of Alice growing three sizes and turning green.
"EMMETT!" she screamed.
"Uh…gotta go." I hung up.
I was almost to my destination. I stopped at a clearing near the Quileute border and scanned the horizon for werewolves. As luck would have it I spotted just who I was looking for.
"Seth!" I exclaimed. "Hey! Over here!"
The sandy colored wolf trotted towards me. Seth was the only one of the wolves I could really stand. He was a cool guy. The rest of them were douches and assholes.
Seth phased and pulled on his sweats.
"Hey, Emmett. What are you doing out here?" Seth questioned.
"This is going to sound weird, but can I borrow you for a little while?" I grinned.
"For what?" he asked unsurely.
I divulged my plan to Seth and he was quick to agree to help me.
"Bella is going to have a wedding she'll never forget!" Seth exclaimed, excited to be part of the plan.
"Yeah, I couldn't get her what I know she wants the most for a present…so I went with fun and games instead," I said.
"What does she really want?" He cocked his head.
"That runaway dog of yours. I knew we should've had him microchipped." I shook my head.
I wasn't a big fan of Jacob Black. He was annoying, arrogant, pushy, rude, and immature. Basically he was just like me…minus the cool factor. But he was Bella's friend and I could see how much she missed the mangy mutt. She wanted him around when she got married…and as much as I didn't like the guy I understand why he ran. Asking a guy who has the hots for you to your wedding is like a giant kick in the crotch.
"She really wants to see Jake, doesn't she?" Seth asked sadly. A look of determination came across his face. "Well, I'll work on that. I know he's running somewhere in Canada. He won't talk to anyone, but if I hound him enough…"
Seth looked at me and saw that I was giggling. He sighed.
"You're laughing because I said 'hound' and I'm a dog, aren't you?"
I nodded and let my laughter out.
"I'll talk to him." Seth shrugged. He looked around. "So, what do we do now?"
"Well, I can't go home because Edward will just read my thoughts. The wedding is in three days. So I guess we're camping out for a while."
I was in the middle of thinking out the rest of my plan when I heard cussing from the woods. Seth and I watched as his older sister came into the clearing running her fingers through her hair and stomping angrily.
"Seth, what did I tell you about hanging out with vampires?" she asked with a snotty attitude.
"Go home, Leah." Seth rolled his eyes. "This is between me and Emmett."
"What exactly is between you and Em…that thing?" she sized me up.
I puckered my lips and made a kissy face as a joke. She leaned back in disgust.
"It's for Bella. Emmett is working on something for her wedding, and I'm going to help him. And I'm sure Sam will be pissed…"
"I'm in." Leah quickly jumped at the chance to piss off her ex-boyfriend and alpha. "What do you need, leech?"
Damn, I'd underestimated her hatred for that Dog Whisperer ex she had.
"I just need you guys to keep my family off my back for the next three days. Edward already wants to ream me out and Alice is ready to tear my head off."
"You need protection from your sister?" Seth snorted. Leah smacked him in the head and he rubbed the tender spot. "Ow…"
"He should be afraid of his sister," Leah said.
I took a moment to thank my lucky stars that Leah wasn't my sister.
"Anyway…" I continued. "I got ordained as a minister for their wedding and I've got a few other things planned. But I don't want Edward interfering in those plans. And he's got Alice on his side…which makes doing anything surprising very difficult. But when you lovely dogs come into the picture she can't see anything. So I just need you to hang out and cloud her visions so she can't report back to Edward about what I've got planned."
"I was not aware that people like you could get ordained." Leah scoffed.
"People like me? Oh, you mean stunning and sexy?"
"You know what I meant, bloodsucker."
"I find that offensive." I frowned jokingly.
"Whatever. I'm gonna run some perimeters. If I see your big bad sister I'll let out a howl." Leah snickered darkly as she ran off into the woods again.
"You live with her?" I asked Seth.
"Since I was born."
"Wow. I'm so sorry. And I thought Alice was bad."
Seth chuckled. I figured he'd be pretty fun to hang out with. And I was right. He even helped with some plans for the wedding. I kept wondering how long it was going to take someone in my family to find me. Honestly I was in no hurry, because the longer it took them to find me, the longer I had to plan the wedding that I'm sure would go down in history as the most unforgettable wedding ever...
