Hayoo, ChiiRyeeBiee here along with my first Palletshipping one-shot, Before I Die! Very corny title. Gosh, I had trouble with this. I actually had a backstory for this but I decided that I didn't like it (despite the fact that I've spent ages trying to perfect it). It just didn't have the "writing effect" I wanted to achieve anymore, with this being a"serious-sounding" angsty story. I had doubts posting this all on its own (and without a backstory) since I happen to be one of those very stall-y writers who can't get straight to the point. Ehh, I like it. I'll just write sequels to it to satiate my quirk in writing particularly looooooong stories.

Well, this is Yaoi (hopefully that speaks for itself) so I'll leave you with the decision to read or not. I don't own Pokémon. I will, however, always believe Ash belongs with Gary and vice versa, since they are my OTP and no one can tell me otherwise. Please leave a review :) I dunno how I did with this one. Hope you like it ( ´ ▽ ` )ノ

Enough stalling (SEE WHAT I MEAN?!) and get on with it! Your story, doozoooooo!


Before I Die

Summary: "Before I die, I want you to know how much you mean to me, because a life without you is a life not worth living. Because without you, I cannot be anyone worth remembering." Can mere words really change the things one has done in the past? Gary doesn't know, but for Ash, he'll try to change something - anything - if it meant letting him understand his feelings.

Letter style; Gary's POV Palletshipping

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Before I Die

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Before I die, I promise to tell you exactly how I feel. From the beginning till the end of my era; it would be up to you how to look at my situation in your own way.

Before I die, let's just say I'll be completely honest, although 'honest' isn't and will never be the best word to describe me. I want you to know everything that I've been thinking and feeling; I want you to know what I know and understand about you - your goals, your secrets, your fears.

I'm aware it's not exactly the best way to begin a piece of work (or whatever this is) with a pessimistic statement. Death should never be associated with matters of the heart, or associated with a shining star such as you. Then again, death should never be freely associated with anything. I guess my point is that I want you to understand what I still need to do before I leave this world. After all, the absence of you may as well be the absence of life for me. I'd never admit it publicly, but you are my life.

Without you, I cannot be anyone worth remembering.

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Remember the day we first met? We were such small children back then. I remember your blue one-year old shorts, your casual summer sandals and your own Bulbasaur-patterned shirt that I had as well, and I somehow wore it coincidentally on the same day.

You ran up to me, claiming that I stole your shirt, when in actual fact you were wearing your own the whole time. We became the best of friends. I remember running up to our neighbours' doors and ringing their doorbells as our own little prank, then running away to a nearby bush to hide ourselves from curious adults. I remember our tiny walkie-talkies, and that kiddie tree house we grew up in, playing "I Spy a Pokémon" or hide and seek.

Those were beautiful memories. One would assume I casted them away in the back of my mind somewhere, forgetting them completely if only I had the chance. But I never did, and I never could. You meant too much to me for me to easily cast them away. You just never knew.

Back then, you were such a frail little child. You were frightened of the smallest of things; a tiny Weedle, for example. You were terrified of the fact that one day it would grow to become a highly defensive Kakuna, and then a highly offensive Beedrill. You wanted to stay a child forever, hence your childish personality. You never wanted to have to deal with any problems like adults do, which you were slightly aware of.

As if it were only yesterday, I recall the day I fell in love with the sunshine of my life that was you. We were cloud watching; you took my hand and lead me up to a hill, full of ever-growing green grass and blessed with a view that overlooked every corner of our peaceful yet prosperous town. The sky was that of a crystal clear cerulean colour, and cumulu-cirrus clouds rode the atmosphere like migrating Pelippers. It was when we arrived that you turned to me and smiled a sunlight, with the actual sun shining down on you like golden glitter.

"I see a Jigglypuff-shaped cloud, Gary!" You beamed excitedly at the sky. I remember that cloud so well. It was next to a heart-shaped one. I recall you making up this story about that particular Jigglypuff finally finding its lost yet loving family. You claimed to having missed your father. I claimed to having missed my parents, too.

How those clouds formed shapes, I still do not understand, yet I am thankful that they were in the sky at such a perfect moment. If not for them, how would I ever realize that what I felt and still feel for you was love? I looked at you and I gained hope, not only for the ability to reach my dreams with you supporting me, but also the hope of another caring for me in a way that my parents never did.

I loved you back then. And you loved me too, just not in the same sense as I felt and still feel for you. I only wish I could have told you. It would have been a lot smarter to do than the turn of events that followed.

I promised to be your family. I promised to be your support. I promised to care and love you like he never did and I promised never to leave you alone. I promised to travel with you to the ends of the earth and to be there for you whenever you needed me. We were supposed to be together forever. We were supposed to love each other for life.

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Before I die, I want to let you know that I'm sorry for leaving you alone. I broke every promise we made that day - from travelling together when we finally could go on our Pokémon journeys, to running forward and helping each other catch similar yet different dreams and goals. I was selfish, inconsiderate and I thought only about myself. Leaving you alone has been the biggest mistake I have made in my life, as well as the biggest regret I know I can never correct.

As much as it could have been possible for me to patch things up between us before things got worse, I ended up not doing so for fear of being wrong, losing my terrible pride and dignity and "it" never being enough for me to make it up to you. I'm sorry. I really am sorry, Ash. I know words will never make a difference in righting the wrong of my actions, but I still want to hold on to that little bit of hope I have that maybe, it would make you realize just how awfully sorry I really am.

Before I die, I want you to know the truth behind my actions, although letting you know would never convince you to look at me the same way you had back when we were children. I have tainted the role model image you thought of me and replaced with nothing more inconceivable than the stupid jerk I became in your eyes.

I thought I was the only one being affected, you know. Grandpa always told me that I should never do something to bring the Oak name to shame and I had to do just that. I was aware that I was in love with you, and I wanted to be with you forever. I was only seven years young and I already believed in a happily ever after, with you and only you. I wanted us to live together, train Pokémon and travel to the ends of the earth; meet legendaries and make astounding discoveries - I wanted to do everything with you. We were best friends and it was only right for me to want you in my life for the rest of it. I had nobody else for a friend. You had nobody else for a friend. We were both together, and I was happy with it. I wanted nobody else, nobody else but you.

When Daisy figured out I loved you she thought it was adorable at first, and she smiled at me like Mum used to every time. But then I kept talking about you and wanting to be with you and becoming a Pokémon Researcher with you as a Pokémon Master that I guess it was too much for her ears to bear. She didn't look annoyed but the way she hardly responded to any of my questions about what it's like to be in love or if she could help me to show you just how much I cared was enough to make me think that she'd had enough of my yammering. So I decided to ask Grandpa about it instead. I remember her trying to stop me - her grip on my arms still burn from the mere memory of it. My going to my grandfather was probably the catalyst for the rest of my big mistakes. Gosh, I was such a jerk.

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Grandpa didn't react the same way my sister did of course. He was so shocked that it was as if he saw the sun fall down from the orange sky. I remember his expression so clearly: thick furrowed eyebrows which expressed concern, a scorn look directed at none other than the nuisance that was me, blue eyes full of disappointment and sadness - it was awful seeing him look down at me so seriously. Daisy tried to break it to me in the nicest way possible, claiming that, "You can't love him, Gary. Ash is a boy. He's not yours to love, and he could never be". Cruel. It was cruel.

I reacted really badly as expected. I did something I never thought I would have - I screamed at her. I called her the worst sister anyone could ever have and I yelled at her in front of my Grandpa. Such awful behaviour consequently earned me a slap on the face from him. He scolded at me for bringing shame to him, and nobody even knew a thing yet! "You promised," he growled between gritting teeth, "...never to bring shame to our name. I am severely disappointed in you." Those words were needles as they made their marks on me, scarring what little heart I had left. The blood that seeped out came as tears that fell violently, taking away the promises I made and initiating the rue in my already broken heart.

Big mistake number two was my actual listening to Grandpa's words. I couldn't love you because he said so. Because it wasn't acceptable in society. And I obediently listened without clue that I could live my life the way I wanted and love whoever I wanted to love. The next time you came to my house I remember pushing you away and out the door, telling you to get lost, to never see me again and that we were no longer friends. I was so angry I took it out on you on impulse. Oh Arceus, I even slapped you and threw the nearest household things at you just to get you to back away. That lamp, that chair... Mother's antique vase. Those shards I remember flying up to your face and the parallel scars they made... Your bruise, those wounds... you sprawled over the floor, hands clutching at bleeding skin... What did I do to you? Why was I such a monster?

No words can express how much I still regret that awful day. I am truly, sincerely and awfully sorry for making you cry and for pushing you away. For being violent. For leaving scars, emotional and physical. Everytime I look at you and see the z's on your face I am reminded of the horrifying day of our friendship's end. I'm sorry for taking out my anger on you and letting you suffer the same pain that I felt even though you did nothing wrong. I was stupid, selfish, blind, mindless and ill-natured. I could and can never do anything to take that day away.

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Before I die, I want you to know that I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't deserve your pity; it is way too precious to be given to someone like me. I just want you to listen and know the truth, and I'm not telling you these things in hopes that you would think of me as less than the idiot I became. I still am, and I forever will be for having done you wrong. I apologize for everything I've ever done unrighteous to you but I don't ever want you to forgive me. I just want you to know. I just want you to listen and hear me out.

The next three years of my life were unbearable. It was a whole new change I had to adapt to that I myself did not want to go through. I pushed you away and claimed that my love for you was just a joke, which I knew hurt you so much you began opposing my terrible actions as well. You depended on me and I killed you over and over and over again with my lies and my mockery and degrading remarks. You, a boy so frail that you needed me to be there for you, were abandoned by your so called best friend all because he shouldn't fall in love with boys. It was ridiculous. I was a child, but I was able to cause an inevitable emotional damage to my one and only best friend.

I kept my heart under lock and key and became arrogant, boastful, and prideful - someone who could not be easily defeated and someone who society would look up to instead of degrade. Soon enough everyone would be talking about the one and only grandson of the famous Professor Oak and how he became Kanto Region's youngest Champion at the age of ten. Instead of waiting another year for your tenth birthday I decided to go on a journey on my own, a year before you could even when I promised we would travel together.

When you heard I was leaving, you were infuriated. I had a Poké Ball at my hand and though I deemed our friendship over, I didn't touch on the promises that we made. I remember yelling to your face there and then that I was going to be a Pokémon Master like you were, and I was going to do it before you had the chance to as well as become a better Pokémon Researcher that my grandfather couldn't be. I remember continuously throwing pebbles at you and telling you to get lost and leave me alone. I could never erase the memory of your tearful face, red with eyes full of hatred and disgust. I stole your dream away from you. Big mistake number I-didn't-even-know-anymore. What did I want to accomplish? To crush you to pieces as shattered as my heart was? To make you want to regret living and making me fall in love with you? What a grave offence against love itself. Unforgivable.

Thinking about it now, I was blinded with pure anger that I couldn't love you and so I started taking out my anger on you instead. I wanted you to hate me. Forget that I ever loved you. I wanted you to be free from my grasps and love whoever you wanted to instead of the devil I was. I didn't want you to fall in love with me like I did with you. I didn't want anyone to break your heart after realizing that I wasn't yours to love either, so I broke your heart myself. It was cruel. I can't believe I can even dig deep inside the past and have the guts to recall such painful memories. I hated myself, Ash. I hated myself for doing such things to you. And I still do.

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You may have been a year younger but you caught up to me quickly, since I multi-tasked researching Pokémon as well as battling side by side with them to be the greatest trainer alive. And of course, you were just that good of a trainer to do what I've done in two years, twice as earlier as that. Those two extra badges I earned? I got them from unauthorized gyms in the Sevii Islands. But a badge was a badge, I guess. And those cheerleaders that kept following me around in hopes of getting you jealous of my rather prominent status? They were my cousins. I let them travel with me since Daisy wouldn't allow me to travel alone, as I wouldn't be travelling with you any longer. They left me after I lost early in the Indigo Conference since they had jobs to attend to. They were sure I'd grown enough to go travelling on my own.

Grandpa was so proud of me. My sister was too, but I was more perceptive to see that she was saddened by my personality change. The once sweet Gary she knew was gone all because of... all this love business. I wanted to make them regret the day they told me I couldn't love you. My sister did. I never knew if Gramps did too.

Surprisingly enough you followed me all throughout my journey and yours. Our paths kept crossing and I couldn't do anything about it so I chose to make you feel bad about yourself instead. Knowing you, you never gave up despite the insults I continued to throw at you. Again, what was I trying to accomplish? How dare I say I love you. How dare I.

When they say you hurt the one you love the most, they didn't consider how detrimental that must have felt to both sides of the equation. I tried to imagine a life without you. It ended up taking away what little good and what little love I had to begin with. I couldn't do it, because I loved you too much. I needed you in my life. I chased your dream in hopes of being close to you without really being close. I insulted you numerous times just to be able to talk to you. I made caring about you a sign of failure, and I couldn't and should never fail, not me. I thought only about myself, and I didn't think about you.

I was half happy when you defeated me fair and square in the Silver Conference. I was sad because I lost, but happy because it was to you. You've grown without me. You stood up without me. You've learned to walk alone and you've become a better person; not the weak and fragile-hearted kid you used to be. I couldn't even say it to your face, what I've been feeling for you all these years. I'm such a coward, and look at me now. I'm venting to a piece of paper.

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Do you still remember that fateful day? That day we both caught a Poké Ball with our fishing rods and childishly fought over it? I've taken care of my other half that you returned to me. It's been displayed in a glass cover at my bedside; polished and gleaming under the first ray of sunlight that seeps through my golden curtains. If you ever visit my room, you'd probably see it. It reminds me of you. You'd never think I was a sentimental person, but I am.

In a way I kept it because it was the only part of you that I had thus then. It was like you had given me something so special and yet not worth treasuring and I promised to take care of it. As if I was still taking care of you. But it was, after all, just a thing and it couldn't be harmed. It couldn't be broken. It couldn't fall in love.

Before I die, there are so many things I must say to you. First of all I really wanna know how you are. We've met again in the Sinnoh region and you've gladly helped me in my research, but I don't even know how you've been, and what you do in your spare time, or who it is that you have fallen in love with. As jealous as I could be, there must be someone that you care about, even if I know it would never be me because I am a boy and a jerk and a selfish stuck up demon-living-in-a-human's body.

Before I die, I just wish I could see you smile at me again. Not the kind of forced smile that I would usually give some lovesick reporter for hitting on me; the kind of sunshine smile only you possessed that could turn my legs into jelly. Of course I am just being wishful here, since the only smile you would probably give me is the word written on a piece of paper or a Pokémon you have nicknamed Smile. Oh dear Arceus, that was awful. You probably noticed I'm rambling already... Goodness gracious, I must feel so stressed out about my stupid life that I crave even the tiniest of humorous remarks I could make if it could help to make me feel less awful than I already feel. Curse the life I'm living. Curse it.

Before I die, I want to hold your hand again. Sleep next to you again. Wake up to a raven mess of hair that smells like cinnamon and the warmth that only you could emit. Before I die, I want to hold you in my arms and tell you that you're the only one I can have even though you don't feel the same way. I want to walk along the shore with you and I making footprints in the sand - two pairs of feet, side by side - and I want to look back to see them as proof we have been through so much together. I want to kiss you under a starlit sky and tell you that I love you from the bottom of my heart, through a song, or a prayer, or a wish.

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Before I die, I want us to go fishing together. See who could catch the largest Basculin or the largest Luvdisc or something like that. I want us feed each other fries with ketchup or initiate the most tortuous tickle fights with each other. I want to climb on top of Mt Silver and scream your name so loud that an avalanche would be the result of it. I want to go cruising, and travel to the farthest region from home, or go stargazing in the middle of July.

Before I die, I want to watch your battles and be there for you when you become crowned a Pokémon Master. I want us to watch horror movies together and fall asleep to the lullabies of a Chimecho or go to a concert just to enjoy ourselves. I want to throw a birthday party for you and tell you that you still look young and beautiful to me. I want to celebrate Halloween together and dress up like Pokémon, or visit a masquerade ball and try to find each other in amidst of the crowd.

Before I die, I want to buy you the most adorable plush toys ever and have a room full of them in our house, or go scuba diving in the deepest trenches at the Hoenn Region or learn French in the cafes all over Lumiose City. I want to build Mr Mimes at Snowpoint City and watch the geisha performance in Ecruteak City, or go Wailord watching at Mossdeep City. We could play tag in the flower fields of Floaroma Town, or simply eat the best Castelia cones in Castelia City.

It's ridiculous, the things I wish. The things I want. I bet if I reread this, I would want to shred it up and pretend I didn't just write the words in here. But I mean what I say in this letter. You have the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and if anything I've written here seems like a hoax or feels untrue, then you need only to confirm it with my Eevee, since she's looking over my shoulder now, and she witnessed me promising to the wind that everything I have said is the honest truth.

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Before I die, I wish I could marry you. I want to be with you forever. No more stupid 'society-will-hate-you-if-you're-a-homosexual-freak' speeches. No more being controlled and justified to a life full of honour just because I was born into the Oak family. No more lies. No more tears. No more pain. I want to be free, I want to live my life just as Gary, and not as the grandson of Professor Oak. I want to put a ring on your finger engraved with our name and the promises we made, and I promise this time I'd never ever leave you alone. We could invite everyone you want, or make it as private as possible. Roses and camellias would decorate the hill we used to hang out at - the place I vowed to love you and the place I will reiterate my promises. And when you say I do, I would without a doubt take you into my arms and kiss you senseless. Ask some professional Smeargle painter to draw the scene and we'll frame it and put it up in our living room for the years to come.

Before I die, I want to make love to you on the nights when we're free and cook you chicken soup whenever you get sick. I want to pull funny faces at you if ever you start crying and feel really sad or chase you around the house with a gel container so I could style your hair for one of your friends' weddings. I want to nuzzle into your neck and take bubble baths together - just like when we were children. I want us to cry in each other's arms and say sorry to each other if we've ever had a bad fight, then I'll make your favourite flavour of popcorn and we'll fall asleep in the couch watching Titanic.

Dear sweet Ash, the one that I care about the most, the one who makes me smile and laugh and cry and want to die for all over and over again, the one who I'll pray to be with in another life and the only one I feel this strongly for, oh how I want to be with you. How I feel insane not having you by my side. How I miss the way you hug me into the tightest and warmest hug I could ever be in. How I yearn to live my whole life with you, even if it meant ruining my reputation and being disowned by my so called family.

The one thing I wish the most really, is that I could give this letter to you, for you to read, for you to know just how sorry I am and how much I think about you each and every day. Before I die, just know that I love you, even after I've shredded this, even after the lies and the pain I have burdened you with, even after our fights and our bickering and the rejection and the tears. I love you so so much, so very much, and I wish these words could at least make a difference to the things I've done in the past.

I love you so much, and I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.


Quick update: Sooo, how was that? ^~^ I hope it wasn't too fuzzy. Btw, I still have the backstory, so for those who want me to post it, please say so. :) it's like sitting in my iPad waiting for daylight... hehehe. I'm working on Ash's response, so, yeyy! Till the next time. ChiiRyeeBiee signing off!