CHARMEDED BULLITIN! SINCE KT IS SO COOL, SHE HAS OFFICIALLY FIRED THE DIRECTOR, EVEN THOUGH HE FITTED IN WELL, COS HIS NAME ACTUALLY WAS, 'DIRECTOR'...
BUT NOW SHE, KT, IS THE NEW AND IMPROVED DIRECTOR. SO WHEN THE SCRIPT SAYS KT, IT'S NO LONGER THE VOICE FROM ABOVE. WE COOL? THEN LET'S GET IT ON!!!


CHARMEDED SEASON TWO: EPISODE ONE (or the fancy way - 2.1): OH CHRIST NOT AGAIN!


PIPER IS SITTING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA AND TALKS DIRECTLY INTO IT.

PIPER: Hi! My name's Piper and if you've ever seen the second series of Friends, you'll know where this is stolen from . Anyways! So last time on Charmeded there was a woman... umm Some Random Woman I think her name was, yeah that's it, well she came into our f*ck-off pink mansion... uh, I mean, manor and shot me, and I was like "ow!"

CLIP:

SUDDENLY SOME RANDOM WOMAN COMES IN AND SHOOTS PIPER.

CUT BACK TO:

PIPER HEAVES A SIGH.

PIPER: Phew! Owie! Anyways, so I was all shot and stuff when all of a sudden PRUE gets shot too! Although, admittedly it was under extremely funny circumstances.

CLIP:

SOME RANDOM WOMAN: I killed the bad witch!
PHOEBE: Actually, that's the bad witch there.

PHOEBE POINTS AT PRUE.

PRUE: Hey in the what now? No, uh, no I'm not the-

BOOKA! PRUE IS ALSO SHOT DEAD.

CUT BACK TO:

PIPER HAS A GRIN ON HER FACE.

PIPER: Oh I laugh every time I think of that. "Hey in the what now?" Heehee... "Hey in the what now?" it was just her face... even though I was kinda dead... it's still... heehee... alright, alright! ...Okay one more time!

CLIP:

PHOEBE POINTS AT PRUE.

PRUE: Hey in the what now? No, uh, no I'm not the-

BOOKA! PRUE IS ALSO SHOT DEAD.

CUT BACK TO:

PIPER: Okay I'm sorry! I won't mention it any more! Promise! Right so back to the heeheehee, the, uh, the story. Phoebe was, of course, devastated.

CLIP:

PHOEBE: Nooooooooooooo! Piper!!!!!!

PIPER (Voice over): Ohh watch this - this bit's good!

PHOEBE FALLS OVER PRUE WHILE RUSHING TO PIPER'S SIDE.

PHOEBE: Ah! Stoopid b*tch!

SHE JUMPS ON PRUE'S FACE.

SOME RANDOM WOMAN: I killed the bad witch!

PHOEBE PHYSICALLY MANHANDLES AND KILLS SOME RANDOM WOMAN. SOME USE SHE WAS. PHOEBE SITS DOWN BY PIPER, CRYING.

PIPER (Voice over): Aww she cried! That's so sweet!

PHOEBE: Piper... please... stay with me Piper... Piper? PIPER!!!

CUT BACK TO:

PIPER: ... oh... my god... I died? Oh... kay... um... so how can I be innerdoocing this then, if I'm all dead? Well, best just get on with it I guess... I can't believe I died!

FADE TO BLACK.

THEME AND CREDITS. IT NOW NOTICABLY SAYS KT AS DIRECTOR.

FADE IN.

PHOEBE IS CROUCHED AT PIPER'S SIDE. PRUE LIES ON THE FLOOR, HER BODY TWISTED IN A MESS OF ARMS, LEGS AND SPLEENS. BUT ENOUGH OF THAT. PHOEBE CHECKS PIPER'S PULSE. WE CAN TELL FROM THE LOOK ON HER FACE THAT SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S DOING.

PHOEBE: Piper - stay with me. Please, even if it's only for the kids!
KT: Y'wot?
ALYSSA: Shh I'm acting!
KT: But-
ALYSSA: SHH!
KT: Sorry!

WE SEE THAT KT IS ACTUALLY A SH*TE DIRECTOR. COME ON KT! I MEAN, ME, COME ON - I CAN DO IT! DON'T LET MILANO'S CANDY ASS PUSH YOURSELF AROUND... OR SOMETHING...

ALYSSA: God...
PHOEBE: Piper... please... be alright. Leo! LEO! Get your candy ass outta Piper's underwear drawer and get down here!
PIPER: What?
ALYSSA: Shh you're supposed to be dead honey.
HOLLY: Oh yeah. My bad.

LEO ORBS IN LOOKING ABASHED.

LEO: Oh my god - Prue!

HE RUSHES TO PRUE'S SIDE, TEARS IN HIS EYES.

KT: Uh, Brian? That's not the-
BRIAN: Shut up! Just - shut, up!

KT'S LOWER LIP TREMBLES.

ALYSSA: Oh don't cry! Brain, she's gonna cry, then I'm gonna cry, then we're all gonna cry!

HOLLY'S LIMP BODY BEGINS TO SHUDDER SLIGHTLY.

KT: Uh, Holly, stop... moving... you're supposed to be dead...
HOLLY: Hee hee hee...
ALYSSA: Hee hee yeah Holly you're dead, dumbass!
HOLLY: You'll be dead in a minute, Milano!

HOLLY JUMPS UP AND GRABS ALYSSA, PLAYFIGHTING WITH HER.

KT: Girls, please!
SHANNEN: What the f*ck's going on? I wanna go home to my Jack Daniels and devilled ham and egg sandwiches or whatever that sh*t I eat is called!
KT: Shannen-
SHANNEN: Hey! Who calls the shots around here? You or me?
KT: Just cos you're 5'2-
SHANNEN: I'm 5 foot FOUR DAMMIT! Nyyahhhh!

SHANNEN LEAPS TOWARDS KT, WHO STEPS OUT OF THE WAY WHILE SHANNEN CRASHES INTO ALYSSA AND HOLLY.

HOLLY: OWie! Pain hurts!
KT: Yeah who'd have thought. Can we please get on with it? We only have about five minutes left of the show and I wanted it to be touching...
ALYSSA: I did it all for the cookie, the cookie, so you can take that cookie, and stick it my mouth, stick it in my mouth, stick it in my mouth, stick it in my-
BRIAN: Okay let's get on with it then, ho!
HOLLY: Hey I ain't no ho, no.
SHANNEN: Uh huh...
KT: LET'S GET ON WITH THE SCENE!!!!!
BRIAN: No, Holly, I didn't mean you. You see, there's times when you get suckered in...
ALYSSA: To drugs, alcohol and sex with women.
HOLLY: Mmm'kay?
KT: Christ...
BRIAN: But it's when you do these things too much.
SHANNEN: Then you become an addict - like your drinking and swearing!
HOLLY: Hey it's not an addiction - it's a habit, and-
ALL: Not all habits are bad!
HOLLY: How do you guys always know what I'm gonna say?
KT: PLEASE! The scene! Please just for five minutes!
SHANNEN: You said that five minutes ago!
KT: Shannen, if you get these guys to work, I'll put Alyssa in hospital all through the next episode, so she'll hardly be in it.
SHANNEN: A done deal! Alright you f*ckrags! Back to work or I'll smash you!

AS IF MAGIC, EVERYONE WHIMPERS AND TAKES THEIR PLACES. LEO HAS JUST ORBED IN.

PHOEBE: Oh Leo - Piper!
LEO: Oh my god!

HE BENDS DOWN BESIDE HER AND CHECKS HER PULSE.

LEO: I'll be straight with you Pheebs, I have noooo idea how to check pulses.
PHOEBE: Really? That's so funny, me too!
LEO: Healing them - no problemo! It's just the actual checking to see if they're alive that's the bugger!

HE PUTS HIS HANDS OVER PIPER.

LEO: It's all the same to 'Them', mind.

HIS HANDS GLOW AND PIPER GASPS BACK TO LIFE.

ALL: (South Park style) Hooray.
PIPER: Oh my god! What happened?
PHOEBE: You were killed by a big fluffy bunny!

SUDDENLY PHOEBE FALLS OVER. SHE REGAINS HERSELF QUICKLY.

PHOEBE: Oh god I swear that was Prue! She tripped me! She's not dead at all!
PRUE: Damn right I'm not! You see, I AM the oldest sister hence the most powerful one. And I AM pretty powerful thus strong enough to take a gunshot or however the hell I was supposed to be killed. Therfore, I ain't dead. I'm alive and kicking!

A DRUM ROLL IS HEARD FAINTLY.

PIPER: Oh - alive and kicking I get it! You kicked Phoebe!

THE DRUM ROLL IS HEARD AGAIN. ALL BURST INTO FITS OF LAUGHTER.

PHOEBE: Yeah... and it hurt!

DRUM ROLL. PHOEBE KICKS PRUE BACK.

KT: Uh, ladies? That's not in the script.

PRUE JUMPS TO HER FEET AND SMACKS PHOEBE ONE. PHOEBE QUICKLY PUNCHES PRUE, BUT IT DOESN'T FAZE HER OLDER SISTER IN THE SLIGHTEST.

PRUE: Alright now you're for it!
KT: Um, Shannen? Excuse me?
HOLLY: Shh this is getting interesting!
WANDA FROM E!: Damn right it is! I just can't get over the fact that she used hence, thus and therfore in the three consecutive sentances!

WANDA GETS OUT A PAD AND PEN AND STARTS SCRIBBLING AWAY.

KT: Girls, girls! Please!

ROLL CREDITS.


VOICE OVER MAN: And thankfully, that is Charmeded back for another fun-filled eight weeks, but what will happen next time?

***

PHOEBE: Piper. Piper! Piper... come on... it's me, Phoebe! You gots to believe me!
PIPER: No no no! Whatever you say, I KNOW it's not true when you tell me that you saw Prue getting the eye from someone - male OR female! It just didn't happen! NO one could check Prue out and be serious!

***

PRUE: This guy was givin' me the eye...
PIPER: Yeah the evil eye...
PRUE: What?
PIPER: Uhh... I want some pie?
PRUE: ... yeah me too!

***

VOICE OVER WOMAN: Will Piper ever find out how right she was? Will Prue ever really and truthfully get the eye off some sexy geezer? Will they actually have some pie? And will Prue ever realise she forgot to wear clothes today? Find out next time on Charmeded!






ALL WHO WATCHED THIS AND NOTICED HOW BAD A DIRECTOR KT IS, DID YOU FEEL BAD FOR HER? DID YOU *SEE* THE WAY THOSE ACTORS TREATED HER? WE NEED HER TO REALLY CRACK THE WHIP AND START TO ASSERT HERSELF AGAINST THESE... THESE... UMM... DUMBASSES (OKAY I DIDN'T HAVE TIME!) AND THIS IS WHERE YOU COME IN!
SHE NEEDS *YOUR* ENCOURAGEMENT! HELP HER PLEASE!