SWITCH

A/N: Okay, so this is a new idea that attacked me with a vengeance and so, here begins another story. Not sure how long this will end up being, but suffice it to say, it will be longer than a one-shot, obviously. Thanks, again to my wonderful, amazing, near God-like beta ~Rusty Weasley~ He deals with my horrible habit of starting sentences with conjunctions and doesn't murder me. Give him cyber hugs, kisses, and the like. He deserves them!

Disclaimer: Of course I do not own Harry Potter or any recognizable characters or places. They belong to J.K. Rowling.

Disclaimer 2: Also, I am not the first person to try the concept of switching bodies in a Harry Potter fanfiction. In fact, the idea to do this was inspired by Padfood the Marauder's story 'Why Draco Should Not Be Using Tampons' and I must give credit where it is due for the plot bunny. That said, my story is entirely different and the only part that is the same is that they switch bodies and the obvious things that go along with two mortal enemies sharing bodies. I also don't own Freaky Friday but you can see obvious similarities to that movie in this story.


Total Opposites


"Oh, fucking hell," Hermione growled at her nylons as she saw the newest run climbing up her calf and under her knee-length wool skirt. The absolute last thing she needed was to Apparate home for a new pair since she was already running late. Running two different departments in the Ministry made for little free time, and near constant dashing from one place to another.

Shaking her head, she endeavored to ignore the imperfection in her stockings and hurried to the lifts. She had a meeting with a board of private investors for her latest project, and being late was far worse than having a run in her hose. In fact, they shouldn't really care about what she was wearing at all. Her ideas were the focus of the meeting, and she was sure this project to educate House Elves would speak for itself.

With head held high, she marched into the board room located at level twelve of the Ministry of Magic and prepared to raise the money she needed to start her school. It was a trial after all, who could say no to that?

Apparently a lot of people. She knew two minutes into her introduction that she'd lost the whole room. She was drowning; and what was worse, Draco-sodding-Malfoy was at the head of the table, smirking. Merlin, she hated that man. He'd been a thorn in her side since they were eleven, and he seemed to find amusement in trying to embarrass her in at any turn since.

She didn't understand why people like him could sit on a pile of money, while she had to beg like a homeless person for each Knut to help out her worthwhile causes. If she had her way, Draco Malfoy's income would be taxed to high heaven and redistributed to those who actually needed it. Any civilized society could recognize that the inequity of the people and creatures in the wizarding world, were made worse by the lining of pockets by arseholes like Malfoy.

She flowed through her entire spiel while internally berating Malfoy, not once taking a breath, and not once stopping for questions. How could anyone oppose this school, after all? It was relatively inexpensive, and its benefits would know no bounds!

"Thank you, Ms. Granger," an older gentleman who looked bored out of his mind, said the moment she took the chance to catch her breath. She could see the writing on the wall. It was over. They weren't going for it. Perhaps, as much as she hated to admit it, she could get Harry to use some of his political capital to change minds, but as for today, she was sure it wasn't going to happen.

"I have all the charts and research here," she said, weakly gesturing at the binder in front of her.

"That won't be necessary, Granger," Draco said, a satisfied smirk still playing on his features. "We'll get back to you."

Oh, if she could have said what she wanted. She'd have laid into that arrogant prat with every fucking word in her incredible vocabulary. Instead, she glared and pasted on the world's most insincere smile. "Very well, Mister Malfoy," she replied. Turning to the rest of the room, she smiled and left. Her shoulders drooped as she headed back to her own office between the Department of Magical Creatures and The Department of Education, both of which she ran single handedly.

It was utterly stupid that in the twenty-first century she still had to bow to the altar of the all mighty private sector for basic necessities for children and creatures. That no-good, greedy bastard could fund a thousand schools and not break a sweat, she ranted. Like he'd have been able to string two sentences together if it hadn't been for his precious private tutors growing up. Elitist fucking prick. Oh, she hated him so damn much!

Instead of stopping at her office, she took a detour to the Auror department. Ginny and Harry would set her right, or at least let her vent. "Harry!" she called into his office.

"Hermione, how'd the meeting go?" he asked, looking up from his paperwork.

"Awful. I know they won't give me funding. And Malfoy was there," she spat the other man's name.

Harry looked at her sympathetically. "I'm sorry. You'll get the next one," he said optimistically.

She scoffed. "This was important, Harry! How can House-elves ever hope to be free if they don't even understand that they are being oppressed?" she shouted passionately.

"Yeah, but Hermione, is that the biggest issue facing Wizarding England? It will happen in time, but for now, things are okay, aren't they?" Harry knew how passionate she was, but sometimes she needed to realize she was not a global dictator, and she couldn't expect the world to bend to her will.

"No!" she cried. "I thought you'd understand that one kind of slavery is no different than any other!"

"Merlin, Hermione, I'm on your side. Just take the rest of the day off and calm down," Harry suggested. "I think Ginny was on her way out soon. Perhaps you two can grab a late lunch. Please relax. You can't change what the board decides no matter how much you stress about it."

Hermione snorted in disgust but eventually nodded. "Fine. I'll see you this weekend."

Harry could tell she was far from letting this go, but at least she wasn't raving any longer. Taking a deep breath, he turned back to his paperwork and thanked Merlin, not for the first time, that he didn't work in the Department of Education or Magical Creatures.


Irritating fucking swot, Draco muttered to himself as he watched Granger manically talk about every single historical society that utilized slavery, both Muggle and Wizarding. He could save her a hell of a lot of time, really. All she had to do was say, "This is what I want. This is why." Businessmen believed in the bottom line. He, and his colleagues, could care less about her bloody diatribes. What was the bottom line? How would it benefit them financially, and if it doesn't, why is it worth the charity? Unlike Granger and her bleeding heart friends, he understood that life doesn't run on rainbows and sunshine. Money mattered. Without money, what the hell did you have?

She didn't even stop for a fucking breath. Her clothes were too big for her body, and it appeared she'd bought them from the waste bin at a second-hand store. Merlin's fucking beard, did she not know the first thing about selling an idea? You start by looking as if you give at least one fuck about yourself. Why should someone give her money if she looked like she couldn't even dress herself in the morning?

It was getting too much. He was immensely relieved when Chairman Boggs interrupted her at the first pause she took. Thank fuck! He didn't think he could take one more second of her grating, professorial, arrogant speech. Sending her on her way gave him great joy and he relished in her defeated look as she left. Good, at least she wasn't an idiot. She knew things had not gone well. Not everyone agreed that her ideas were imperative to the survival of the Wizarding World. However, she sure seemed to think all of her ideas were pure fucking gold.

"Alright, gents," he said after she left. "What do we think?"

"Do you even need to ask?" Blaise asked from his right. "Merlin! Granger comes into these board meetings once a damn week with a new, expensive idea that she promotes as essential as indoor plumbing." Blaise rolled his eyes and the board members just chuckled.

"I mean, in all honesty, the only thing I want to invest in for that girl is a new wardrobe," Gilda Hopkirk said. "Was she fat in school? Why the hell don't any of her clothes fit?"

"No," Draco said. "She just seems to think she's morally superior to those of us who don't walk around looking homeless."

Chairman Boggs sighed, "We might be able to spare 20% of what she's asking, but in all reality it won't do any good. For one, house-elves wouldn't enroll voluntarily, though, I'm sure Ms. Granger will just try to pass a law to make it mandatory. Then you have the fact that house-elf masters would have to be compensated for the time lost. Not that I plan to cover that, mind you. It's a disaster waiting to happen. I vote we reject funding. All in favor?" All hands raised in return.

"Okay. Let's hope the defeat will keep her from a crusade for at least ten days," Draco said with a chuckle.


"For fuck's sake, doesn't she have anything better to do?" Blaise mused.

"No," Draco said. "No. She doesn't. She's single. Probably hasn't ever been shagged properly. If she has, it clearly wasn't good enough to dislodge the stick from her arse. She feels morally and intellectually superior to the whole world," he continued. "Did you know, that barmy cow tried to make "Muggle integration courses" compulsory for every Hogwarts graduate? You know I've come to enjoy the Muggle World quite well over time, but has the concept of individual liberty totally escaped that bird's nest she calls a head?"

"How do you really feel about it?" Blaise laughed.

Draco smirked. "Bitch just drives me nuts. How many times do we have to turn her down, and explain to her why before she gets the picture? It's a wonder she has any friends left at all? Could you deal with that on a daily basis?"

"No. No, I couldn't," Blaise agreed. "I hope you're right and she lays off it for a while. I'm beginning to think being a board member at the Ministry was a giant waste of my time. If only it were like the old days when we could throw some money at a few things and still get our laws passed."

"I know," Draco said. "With this new anti-capital attitude, it's harder than ever getting the Wizengamot to approve our pro-business legislation."

It was true. After the war, somehow making money got lumped into being a Pureblood and supporting Voldemort. Silly, because just as many Muggle-borns were capitalists as Purebloods, but who ever asked rational questions at election time? Still, as would be the case for all eternity, money talks and he had plenty of that.


"Hermione, please chill out," Ginny said. "You need a vacation. Scratch that; you need a man, a vacation, and a drink. Please, I'm begging you, take some time off and recharge your batteries. You are going to go nuts being this intense all the time."

"You sound like your brother," Hermione pouted.

"Ron might be an idiot, but he's right about one thing. Your lifestyle is going to see you dead from a heart attack at thirty," Ginny said, eyeing her friend seriously.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You just don't get it, Ginny. This stuff is important. I don't understand why people only care about themselves and what's comfortable for them," she huffed.

Ginny started to get annoyed. "Hermione, just because we don't dedicate our lives to causes, doesn't mean we don't care or that we are selfish."

"I didn't mean..." Hermione started but Ginny shook her head.

"Yes, you did. Look, please, just take a break. You need it." Ginny knew Hermione meant well, but sometimes enough was enough. With that, she turned to the Floo and went home.

Hermione needed a drink.


"Oh Merlin, could this get any better?" Draco smirked to himself as he sipped his firewhisky. Blaise had just gone home to bed whatever witch was warming his sheets these days, and he'd stayed behind to get a good buzz working. It was a dive, but he enjoyed it. No one bothered him and it wasn't crowded. He didn't like crowds.

He was having a pretty decent night until he saw Hermione-fucking-Granger walk into the place, head down as she looked at the shoes that went with the atrocious outfit she'd worn to the board meeting. Perfect.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Granger, slumming it with the mortals," he drawled, loud enough for the other five people in the bar to hear. He saw her tense up and her eyes moved up to his.

"Malfoy," she said as she sneered and moved in, several seats down from him at the bar. "What a shock to see you throwing away daddy's money on booze."

"Oh, yes. What are you here for, my dear, the conversation? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you are a government worker, correct? So, in other words, you are paid entirely in tax dollars. Which means, you are using my daddy's money to drink too, are you not?" he countered.

"Of course you have no respect for the dignity of being a public servant," she sniffed, chugging down the beer that had just been placed in front of her.

"Oh for the love of Merlin, does it get tiring hauling that self-righteousness around all day?" Draco rolled his eyes.

"I don't know, does it get tiring hauling around that ego of yours?" she countered.

"Nope," he responded with an annoying smirk. "In fact, my ego is doing just fine. However, your inability to accept that you are not the smartest person who ever lived, seems to be doing a number on you. When was the last time you actually looked like your were in your twenties instead of your fifties?"

Her eyes blazed. "Fuck off, you little ferret!" she growled.

"Call me that one more time," he responded, moving off his stool and closer towards her. If there was one thing he could not abide, it was that ridiculous fucking name on the lips of Potter and his sycophantic crew.

"Ferret," she annunciated proudly, her eyes flashing in triumph.

Oh, he fucking hated this bitch.

"I was a ferret for 10 seconds fifteen years ago. You've been an insignificant waste since the moment you started S.P.E.W." he countered.

She was off her stool in seconds. "How dare you!" she cried.

"How dare I what? Point out your many flaws? The fact that you've wasted your education on being an irritating busybody with no clue how money is made or how to use it? The fact that you still think the government can 'fix' everything. Your contempt for people who work for a living? Or that you can't get through your thick fucking skull that you don't have the right to move people about like chess pieces for the 'greater good'." He was yelling by the time he got to the end of his tirade and she looked ready to punch him.

"Oh, and I suppose the world of high finance is where true dignity lies? Taking rich people's money to make them richer? Contributing to the consumerism that ruins people's lives? Getting rich on the backs of magical creatures you've brainwashed into believing they don't even want to be free? This is what is means to be valuable, rational, or good? Fuck that! You don't care about anyone but yourself and your Galleons. I'd feel sorry for you, if I could care about you at all!" she shot right back at him. Her breath was coming out in pants and she looked as if she didn't know whether to kick his ass or cry over her beer.

Draco had had it with her self-righteousness. "Get over yourself for a moment," he said. "Clearly you are incapable of understanding anything outside of your narrow scope."

"I'm narrow-minded?" she cried. "You are the one who doesn't understand anything outside of your money and blood status! I could make you understand you know!" she shouted, withdrawing her wand.

"Pulling a wand in a public bar, Granger?" Draco drawled, pulling his own. He had no idea she was this unhinged. But he could curse her if he had to. He wasn't above it. However, Merlin knew the Ministry would take the little bitch's side. "Not very 'understanding'."

Her eyes blazed, and as irrational as she knew she was being she just wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. "Pietas!" she shouted, sending the strongest compassion curse she could muster.

He was quicker.

"Protego!" Draco cried, magic rushing forward to protect him from whatever Granger hastily cast his way. He felt a whoosh and a crackle from the onslaught of his magic meeting hers and his eyes widened. Never had it felt like that. What the hell?

Hermione was scared. For one, she'd never cursed anyone unprovoked, and being irritating was not really provocation. Somehow, Malfoy just brought out the worst in her. Secondly, her magic had totally gone fucking nuts. She'd never cast this particular curse, one where the recipient was supposed to be so overcome by compassion for his fellow man he would beg for mercy. It was borderline Dark, but she'd cast an Unforgivable before, in the war, and it felt nothing like this. It was like her magic was being launched out of her body and slamming back in at the same time. She shook with fear, her eyes wide when the crackling of their magical collision died down.

"Oi! You two. Out of here. We won't have that in this establishment," the barkeep yelled.

"I'm...I..." she started, but couldn't make words come together. So she ran. Draco stumbled out of the bar moments later.


Hermione woke up with a splitting headache. After screaming at Draco Malfoy in public - why the hell had she thought that was a good idea by the way - she proceeded to storm off and buy a bottle of wine and finish the whole thing in one go. Thank fuck it was Saturday.

Her body ached in places she'd never even thought possible as she groaned and got out of bed. A headache tonic was in order. Merlin, she felt old. Her body moved as if she had no control over it as she made her way to the bathroom. Was the ground further away than usual? She looked down at her feet. What the fuck?

Those were, most certainly, not her feet. Those were not her hairy legs either. Sure, she forgot to shave from time to time but...

Dashing to the bathroom, she felt gangly and long. Her hips didn't carry her weight the same, she felt pulled by the chest as she walked instead of her core. She was freaking out. She stopped in front of her bathroom mirror and screamed as she saw her reflection. The sound that escaped her mouth, though, was not that of a twenty-eight year old woman. It was deep, rumbling, and it sounded just like the voice of the man that was staring back at her in the mirror. Draco Malfoy.


Draco knew something was wrong the second he woke up. For one, he had breasts. He noticed them right away as he slept shirtless every single night of his life. He had moderately large, fucking beautiful tits. That, and there was a massive amount of hair all over his face.

He shook his head. What the hell happened last night? He hadn't been drunk. He had a slight buzz and went home. He finished up his quarterly review and went to bed. He pulled the covers off his body and moved over to the full-length mirror by his bed. His heart sped up as his brain processed what he was looking at. He closed his eyes and opened them over and over, expecting to see a different reflection. He was in full on panic mode. No matter how many times he closed his eyes, when he opened them again, he was looking at a half-naked Granger. A cry erupted from his throat and he felt very near passing out.