Usually, Kaidan only looked and did not buy because the merchandise was out of his price range. But he was lieutenant-commander now. He was higher up on the pay roll. Some things were not as much as a hole in his pocket anymore.
But everything he saw just reminded him of Shepard, of things they would like or find amusing. And whethe"r or not he could afford it did not factor into his purchases as much as "will this make me think of them", or "does that have the potential to remind me of then?"
With a sour taste in his mouth, Kaidan left the Presidium, digging his hands into his pockets. He needed a drink. A hard, stiff drink. And the Dark Star could at least promise him that much.
It was loud and stuffy and perhaps a bit too much for Kaidan, yet his feet followed one after the other until he found himself sitting in a bar stool, sandwiched on either side by people occupied with their own drinks. An asari regarded him quickly, wiping the island down as she did so.
"What'll it be, big guy?"
"Serrice Ice Brandy. Please." A dubious look flashed across her unattractive face (such a rare occurrence—an ugly asari), then she shrugged.
"Coming right up." She said, disappearing behind the island. Kaidan recalled the turian bartender that once stood her in place, and assumed that it is perhaps his day off. Within moments, a glass of brandy stared him in the face, and he idly wondered if he was too rash in his decision of drink. He took a sip anyway, the liquid like acid in his throat.
"Shit," a familiar voice piped beside. "I know you. You're the dick from Horizon." A heavily tattooed bald woman sat beside him, her eyes obstructed with frameless, gaudy shades. It occurred to Kaidan that he knew this woman, just not her name. And he began to think that he didn't want to.
"Excuse me?"
"Did I stutter?" she said. "Shepard's been in a bitch ever since they've spoke to you." She swallowed the rest of her drink. The woman muttered something under her breath, but he didn't quite catch what it was.
"How do you think I felt, learning that my former comrade is now working for a terrorist group?" he shot back.
She ignored his rebuttal.
"What's your deal with Shepard?"
"We... have history, you could say." he relented.
Apparently the woman was not pleased with Kaidan's answer, for her lip curled up in an imitation of some feral snarl. "No, I mean what the fuck is your deal? That little show with the biotics?"
He recalled the faint corona that buzzed around his skin, and made his hair stand on end at the nape of his neck; the anger that bubbled in the pit of his stomach and curdled the contents. Kaidan sighed, started to rub at his temples.
"Look," he began. "I don't know what to tell you. I let my emotions and past with Shepard get the better of me—"
"If I were you, I would have pulverized them. I could tell you wanted to."
He had to be honest. "I didn't approve of Shepard's actions, no," he replied, "but what would have biotic slamming them prove?"
She laughed, a sharp, cruel bark. "Pussy," she muttered under her breath. Kaidan pretended her didn't hear that. "I would have made you feel better." she added as an after thought, arms crossed on the island. The name of the woman came back to Kaidan, then, and she became less of an enigma. Jack. That was her name. Somehow it felt better knowing it.
He said nothing in return.
"Fuck, why didn't you?" Her voice was hard to make out over the loud music that pulsed through his veins.
From the corner of his eye, Kaidan regarded the woman.
"For a moment, perhaps, but I think exercising control over my biotics is a more responsible course of action". Kaidan drained his drink, his throat burning in the aftermath. Jack was silent for a moment, seizing him up and Kaidan couldn't help but shudder under her scrutiny.
"See, that's your damn problem." Jack observed the throng of people out on the dance floor, to the left of them. Ever so often, one or two of her fingers would twitch against her arms. "You need to stop being such a fucking tight ass and let lose."
"Biotics are not a toy, Jack, they're a—"
"Responsibility," she interjected, mocking him. "If I were you back on Horizon, I would have given Shepard a piece of my mind."
"Violence wouldn't have proven anything, just that I have poor control over I power I have the obligation of keeping in check." he said. "If I don't control my biotics, who will? Simply charging everything that pisses you off only lets a potential aid rule you."
"Shit," Jack gave him a pitying look, as if he truly didn't understand the concept of something rudimentary. "I never knew you were such a sap." She shrugged, making a face.
"Really, who cares? Biotics are just something to use—"
"You're missing the point." he said calmly. For once, Jack quieted. "What I mean to say is that the more you let your biotics become a way to vent your frustrations, the more you risk letting them flare out. After a point, they become unreliable."
Jack snorted in derision. "Okay smartass, how would you know?" She twisted in her stool so she faced him, but her arms were still held tight across her chest.
"I killed a man once. A turian named Vyrnnus." his voice became bitter, ugly memories leaping to the forefront of his mind, thoughts he'd much rather lay to rest than resuscitate.
"He, uh, he—" Kaidan pinched his brow. "I knew someone. A girl back at BAaT. Vyrnnus broke her arm when she didn't use her biotics to get a glass of 's wide-eyed expression of horror bore into his mind, and it tore away at him every time he was reminded of it. It chipped away at his, like he was a piece of crumbling marble being chiseled down to dust.
"So the turian bastard deserved it."
"No, he didn't." Kaidan's voice became muffled by the palms of his hands as he dragged them over his face. "I lashed out in anger and snapped his neck with a biotic kick. There were other ways to resolve that conflict, but fury clouded my judgment and biotics were the first thing I used."
"It's not like he didn't fucking deserve it." Jack repeated.
"Fine. Vyrnnus was a bit of a dick—"
"A bit?" She cocked an eyebrow, her tone questioning.
Kaidan sighed heavily. "Vyrnnus was a dick, but he didn't deserve to be killed." He said, gesturing with his hands. Jack's face grew dark, and was rendered even more unreadable than it all ready was with her sunglasses.
"Some people do, you know." She said in a low voice that sent chills down his spine. It was a lost cause, truly, trying to convince this woman. And Kaidan had neither the energy nor the desire to sit there all night discussing the matter in some vain attempt to do so.
"All right," he conceded. "we, uh, both have our opinions."
"Mine makes more damn sense than yours." Jack sneered. Her comment made Kaidan chuckle, something he hadn't done in what seemed to have been forever.
"How is that?"
"If you didn't kill him, he would have killed you." Kaidan waited for any sign of her joking, but she remained deadly serious. He looked away, focused on the dirty granite of the island they sat at.
"I'm sorry you think that way." He said, rubbing at his neck.
Jack leaped off her bar stool. "Fuck, I don't need your pity."
"I, uh, didn't mean to offend." he offered feebly, watching as she threw a couple of credit chits down. She didn't look at him, not once.
"Whatever." Jack shrugged, hands stuffed into the pockets of her leather jacket. She stared off into the distance, her jaw clenching. Then she turned to leave.
"Take care." Kaidan called after her. She stopped in a middle of a crowd, and he could barely make her out through all of the tangled limbs.
"Hey," she said. "you too."
Kaidan convinced himself he saw her take her shades off, if only for a moment.
