A/N: I just thought of this idea. Since I hate Twilight Saga, but just ADORE crazy stories, I'm deciding to create Edward Cullen's backstory. In MY version, his name is Edward Felon.

Disclaimer: I'm NOT the owner of Twilight Saga or it's pricky characters. Too bad OTHERWISE you'd actually be entertained!

Edward's POV

"Cedric? Cedric! Watch out! I see something!" Hairy Pits yelled, slapping me in the face.

I was slightly shocked. "What is it, Hairy?" I asked in alarm. "What do you see?"

Hairy looked past my shoulder. "Something...something...I have NO clue. Turn around you nitwit!" he screeched.

I turned to find Mickey Mouse standing there. Only, this wasn't your regular Mickey; this one happened to be at least half a kilometer high!

"You shall die!" it cried before pulling a fairly large branch off of a nearby tree.

"Run!" Hairy screamed, grabbing my arm and yanking.

"Stop." I commanded. Hairy pulled again, but I was rooted to my spot.

Hairy gave an exasperated sigh and ran off, calling me a blooming prick on the way.

"BLOODY HELL!" I screamed when I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my arse. I looked up to see Mouse holding the tree branch.

"You shall die!" Mickey cried again, bring the stick down upon my burning backside.

I should have known it was a switch the moment I saw it! I yelled internally at myself. Then, everything went black.

Me: Short, I know, but the next chapter will be MUCH longer.