"Welcome home, Detective Benson..." The man holding the gun to Olivia's head smiled disgustingly. Why hadn't she reached for her gun at that moment? Why had she hesitated even for a second?
"Detective Benson? Detective Benson...?" Olivia shook off the flashback and cleared her throat, swallowing hard. The nurse smiled gently at her.
"I was saying we will need you to sign the permission slip for us to test you for STI's"
"That's not necessary, i wasn't raped"
"Yes, you said that, but the assailants blood was found on your person, and you do have open wounds yourself. It would still be recommended to have the tests."
Olivia nodded. "Of course, where do i-"
There was a massive commotion past the curtain of her makeshift ER room. Instinctively she reached for her gun. 'Not again...' she thought 'I will not be caught off guard again' Her hand landed on the rough fabric of the hospital gown and realizing her clothes, and fire arm had been removed with her clothing as evidence felt her heart begin to race. She looked around wildly for anything to use to defend herself. The nurse tried to calm her just as the man burst through the curtains walling her in.
"Liv."
Olivia stared blankly at him. Fear had clouded her vision and she felt blinded by the rush of sheer panic. The man wasn't moving, and his voice...it melted through her fear like warm caramel. "Oh...God...Olivia?"
Drawing in a deep breath Olivia closed her eyes. She heard him begin to move forward and heard the nurse step in the middle. Everything had happened so quickly that she hadn't immediately reacted to his presence.
"Sir, i'm sorry but you'll have to wait outside. You can't be in here right now."
"But i'm.."
Liv opened her mouth, imploring the words to come out. Tears stung at her dark brown eyes, making them shine in the harsh floursescent lighting of the ER.
"He's..it's ok. It's...He is my partner...no..no..my former partner. He's ok. I just- can you give us a minute please?"
She forced a smile attempting to reassure the nurse who still looked leary of Elliot. "He's fine. I promise."
The nurse looked between them again, then nodded, setting Olivia's file on the bedside table. "Alright, but just a minute. I'll go get the paperwork for your blood draw." Olivia nodded as the nurse stepped through the curtain.
"Liv, I-" Elliot stepped forward, but stopped short when Olivia flinched at his advance. "Sorry. I...Are you...?" Olivia sighed at his stammering. It had been a traumatic four days, trying to stay alive at the hands of William Lewis. But Detective Olivia Benson was not used to be handled like fragile goods.
"I won't break Elliot. You aren't going to send me into a panic by asking if i'm ok." She stood up and smoothed back her hair, avoiding looking at her broken reflection in the mirror. She knew she was an overwhelming sight. She had open wounds on her head, her hair hadn't been washed since the morning of the assault, bruises and cuts visible everywhere, and a massive black eye.
Elliot's blue eyes gleamed at her, tears standing in them as well. "Oh Olivia. I'm sorry." Olivia smiled back at him as strongly as she could, fury welling up in her.
"Sorry? Sorry for what? Sorry for what happened to me? Sorry that you weren't there to help find me? Or how about sorry that you ABANDONED me? We were partners Elliot. For 12 years, we saw each other more than we saw our families. We LIVED in the squad room. YOU WERE my family, and you left me. Without so much as a word to say goodbye, you LEFT ME. I called you for weeks after you left. Are you sorry you didn't call me back? Save it, Stabler. I don't need your apologies." She was crying now, hot, fast tears that dripped from her cheeks and absorbed into the fabic of her gown. She couldn't meet his eyes. She hadn't looked him in the eye since he had burst into the makeshift room.
The silence was heavy, the words that cut through it were worse.
"All of it."
She closed her eyes letting his voice wrap around her. "I'm sorry for all of it Liv. I never meant to hurt you. You're right, we were each others family. But i had a family outside of work as well. I had Kathy..i had the kids...and my devotion to them took back seat to my devotion to the job. I had to try and save it. And i did. I gave it my best shot. The damage was irreprable. Kathy just..couldn't forgive me. I couldn't cope. Dealing with how things happened with Jeanne...i know it was a good shooting but still...i took the life of a teenage girl... then the loss of Kathy and the kids... I just...I didn't know how to handle it so i just stopped. I should've been there. For them, for you..and i've failed."
Olivia shook her head. "You aren't responsible for me El. What happend with Lewis happened because of my failure not yours. I had a feeling someone was in the apartment the moment i stepped in the door. I heard him a full second before i felt the gun at my head. I should've had my gun in hand by then. I could've shot the son of a bitch, but i didn't."
"Olivia, you can't blame yourself for this. We've seen it a thousand times... we all know fight or flight, but there is a third response...freeze. You did what you had to do to stay alive."
Olivia laughed bitterly "I did a little more than what i HAD to, didn't i? I mean..was Lewis even alive when they got him out?" She shook her head trying to erase the image.
Elliot closed his eyes, for the first time Olivia was able to meet his face. Not having those piercing blue eyes looking back at her made facing him easier. She watched as his jaw clenched and relaxed 3 three times before his eyes opened again and she dropped her gaze to the floor.
Detective Stabler stepped forward, she could see his running shoes, and the bottoms of the gray sweat pants he was wearing. She felt the movement of his arms, he was moving slowly, so as not to alarm her. Olivia braced for the feeling she knew was coming, and willed herself not to flinch, not to pull away, not to scream, and not to fight. Elliot was no threat to her, but after the last four days, being tortured, burned, and beaten, any human contact felt like too much. Then it came, the warm weight of his steady hands on her shoulders.
"You did, what you HAD, to do. And i thank God you did."
Olivia pressed her eyes closed, allowing his warmth to soak in. She lifted her chin, and for the first time since he'd left the squad room 7 months ago, met the gaze of Detective Elliot Stabler. The shine of tears in his eyes meeting hers, his hands never leaving her shoulders, they stood for a moment. Letting everything freeze. The sound of the busy ER faded out, and for the first time in 4 and a half days, Olivia felt safe. Really and truly, safe.
