She loved Johnny. No question about it. After all, they were going out and they had kissed a lot. And he hadn't even insisted they sleep together. She loved him. But it was something she had to keep telling herself now.
Because when nights get dark and the ghosts start hissing; it isn't Johnny who comes to comfort her and stroke her hair. He doesn't whisper in her ear that everything is going to be alright. And Johnny doesn't stay in her room all night long beside her bed to make her feel safe.
Whenever she's crying at her parent's grave it isn't Johnny who comes to comfort her. Granted, he sometimes comes but all her does is shuffle his feet and look uncomfortable around the multitude of graves. But he doesn't gently pull her to her feet and hug her while whispering softly in her ear. Johnny doesn't do that.
Whenever she and Johnny go on dates they always go to the cinema or shopping. They never just lie in each others arms and count the stars. They don't dance in the graveyard and stare at each other when they're done.
She's kissed Johnny plenty of times. But she hardly ever kisses him. When she does its always on instinct alone. She closes her eyes and can feel everything. Even through it's only their lips touching. He always stops before it goes any further, but she always has to stop Johnny.
Johnny is kind of attractive. In his way. But he doesn't have a wild look. The kind of look that makes her feel weak at the knees when he looks at her. Johnny has nice hair. It's blonde and stylish. It's quite nice. But his hair isn't long and dark as the night sky. It's not knotty and wiry but still soft at the same time. She doesn't want to run her hands through Johnny's hair. He probably wouldn't like it anyway.
She quite likes to sing. But Johnny isn't really interesting in singing. He prefers kissing. He doesn't hold her hands and ask quietly, gently, and softly for her to sing for him. When he asks she never refuses. He isn't Johnny after all.
Johnny might put his arm around her waist and kiss her quickly. But he never holds her hand in front of his mates. He doesn't say he loves her in front of them either. She understands.
But she knows someone who would hold her hand and would declare his love. Sometimes in her deepest dreams he would kiss her hand in front of everyone in the world and dare them to object. But he isn't Johnny and that's that.
There was one time though, when they were alone together. Johnny had gone home. But he was waiting for her. He always waits for her. He smiled and leaned back to hear the crickets. But she sat down and talked. Until they were just staring at each other. They leant forward and kissed. The ground could have shook but she wouldn't have noticed. They sat back and stared at the sky in silence. Johnny has never done that.
She loves Johnny and who knows? They might get married. They might grow old together. But she'll still remember him. And she secretly hopes he'll remember her. He isn't Johnny. But Johnny isn't him.
