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A/N: Mr Crepsley's Point of View.

SUMMARY: Mr Crepsley's journal holds many secrets about him that Darren doesn't know. Not about what he does but about how he feels. Please read despite the rubbish summary.

TITLE: Private Promises

~LARTEN~CREPSLEY~DARREN~SHAN~

Dear Journal,

Horrible. The poor boy is going to get himself killed. The worst thing is that I do not know how to stop it from happening; I do not know how to help him. He is like a son to me and I have never told him that, it hurts knowing that he has no idea about how I feel. I am his father figure and yet I keep so many secrets from him. I do not know of his fate. He sobs to me everyday, saying that he is going to die but I tell him that it is okay because that is how I want it to be; yet I know that it can never be okay. He will always be marked as a traitor and if he does not die then he will always feel like one to. I remind him that I am his mentor and only that when secretly, I wish I was more than that. I wish that I was his father, his best friend and the one person he trusts the most. I can never be his father and I know that, he knows that but sometimes, he needs someone to be there for him when the rest of the world shuts him out. He needs someone to be there when he is crying to himself, wishing he hadn't been the cause of Gavner's death.

Inside, behind the tough character he portrays, he is lonely. He has always been lonely and has always needed his family that I selfishly took away from him. Inside he hates me for doing it. I know that and it burns in him everyday. When I am there, staring into his eyes, he wishes that I was not. He wishes that he could have his family back, his best friend and most importantly, his life. I never really forgave myself for what I did and I know secretly that I am as bad as Kurda and the Vampaneze. I can never replace that rage I have against myself for my actions. I promise myself that I will be a better mentor to Darren though I know that I cannot be. I promise that I will be behind him when he needs me the most but it is harder than I first expected. Everyday, I feel worse and I hate myself even more.

Now he is close to death, I realise how much he needs me. We are each other's guardians and friends. I do not show it and I know that I should. I should be there to tell him how proud he has made me, how happy I am that he is my assistant, how much I need him. I have never told him all of that and he needs to be told before death hits him. I have already lost two dear friends who were like family and now I am promising myself that I will not loose another one. He is more than a friend; he is part of me now. My blood runs in his veins and he must take my role when I eventually die. I cannot let him die, not now, not ever and he is not going to.

Gavner's death hit both me and Darren hard. He was really close to the general and treated him as a relative. We were all a small family and now it seems as though it has been ripped apart. My whole world is crumbling at my feet and there is nothing I can do to save it. Darren is all I have left and without him, my life would not be the same. He keeps the humanity in me alive. He reminds me that I used to be a human and that I used to feel desperate at times. He reminds me that I used to miss people and that I used to feel sorrow. I hear him at night weeping into the hammock, wishing that I could console him but I cannot. I cannot show fear or weakness. I should be there for him but sometimes, I cannot bring myself to act like his dad. That is all for now. I shall write again soon but goodnight for now.

Larten Crepsley

A/N: Well, please tell me what'cha thought. REVIEW please!!!! ^_^