Denial
One shot about Patsy and Delia's early days, negotiating the dangers of coming out to each other and changing the dynamics of their relationship
... ... ...
'Can we talk?'
Patsy froze as she heard the words she had been expected and dreading all morning. She tried hard to act normal as she replied, speaking with a forced casualness that she hoped was enough to disguise the anguish lurking beneath her calm demeanour. Although part of her was praying Delia would leave and delay the inevitable confrontation, she found herself unable to truly wish she would go. Even now, when everything was about to fall apart, she couldn't help the little leap of joy in her chest at the sound of Delia's voice.
'Now isn't a very good time, I'm in the middle of something. Can't it wait?'
'No. No, I don't think it can wait. We need to talk about what happened'.
Patsy looked away, taking a deep pull on her cigarette to steady her nerves as she did so. There was no putting it off then. The moment of retribution had arrived for allowing herself to fall for this bright, funny, beautiful girl. For allowing herself to forget in her presence that she had to pretend. Stupid.
Still, she had to try.
'Happened? I don't see that anything happened. We were drunk and you know my co-ordination is dreadful when I'm tipsy. I was aiming for your cheek, it was a simple mistake. I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable, but honestly that's all there was to it'.
'No it isn't. I can't believe that Patsy. It was more than that and you know it'.
Delia was bouncing nervously on her heels, hugging her elbows and looking so distressed that Patsy wanted nothing more than to put her arms round her and tell her... tell her what? What could she say that wouldn't make things even worse? So instead she said the only thing she could say, although the lie tasted bitter on her tongue.
'What more could it be? I'm really not sure what you're getting at Delia'.
'Well if that's true... if that's true then I'm just a fool. Because honestly, I have never felt this way about anyone. I didn't even think I could, not for the longest time. But with you... when I'm with you I feel like... like I know what all those daft love songs are talking about. Like part of me is waking up for the first time. When you kissed me last night I thought you felt the same way and... God, I was so happy. I thought... was I really mistaken Patsy? Am I just making a fool of myself? Please, tell me I'm not imagining this'.
It was not what Patsy had been expecting. Not at all. For a few moments after Delia had finished this impassioned speech she sat still, knowing she needed to say something but too stunned to react. Her cigarette smouldered forgotten between her fingers as she stared in disbelief at the girl in front of her. Could this truly be real?
It had certainly felt real last night when the two of them had stumbled up the stairs of the Nurses' Home, both much drunker than they had expected to be on the sweet, fruity cocktails they had been sipping all evening.
The whole night had been perfect. Patsy had laughed and smiled so much her cheeks ached and every look she and Delia had exchanged seemed to confirm that the feelings she had been developing over the past months were mutual. And so when they had come to say good night at Delia's door, Patsy had acted entirely on instinct. Instead of the one armed hug and chaste kiss on the cheek she ought to have given by way of farewell, she had stepped close to her friend, so close she could smell cherries on her breath and see the faint dusting of freckles across the bridge of her nose even in the half-darkness of the corridor. Quickly, before she could change her mind she had closed the scant few inches that remained between them and caught Delia's lips with her own. For the space of a few glorious, adrenaline fuelled heartbeats it had seemed as though Delia was kissing her back and Patsy was completely, giddily happy.
Then her senses returned with all the force of a lightning strike and she realised where they were and what she was doing. All the joy she had been feeling was replaced in a flash with horror and a fear so intense that she had leapt back from Delia, so suddenly she'd collided with the wall opposite. She hadn't waited for the recriminations that had seemed so inevitable to her fear-fuelled imagination to begin. Gasping out a 'goodnight' she had almost sprinted to her own room, not daring to look back or give Delia time to react.
She had spent a sleepless night trying to convince herself that no matter how disgusted Delia might be by what Patsy had just done, she was not the sort to immediately run and tell tales to Matron. Even so, by the time the rosy light of dawn began to seep through Patsy's curtains her pillow was damp with the tears she had been unable to contain at the thought that this might be her last night as a nurse before she was dismissed in utter disgrace.
Somehow, through all that fear she had never stopped to consider the possibility that Delia truly might feel as she did.
It wasn't until her still glowing cigarette burned her fingertips that Patsy was recalled to the present with a small, undignified yelp. She dropped the stub into an ashtray before finally turning her full attention from the Delia of last night back to the Delia of this morning.
There were tears on her flushed cheeks and she looked ready to bolt from the room as the unbroken quiet stretched between them and the last glimmers of hope faded from her expression. Patsy's heart gave a sick squeeze of guilt as she realised how her long silence must have looked to Delia. Sweet, brave Delia who had dared to express her feelings and risk everything even without alcohol and who she had kept waiting far too long.
With that thought, Patsy crossed the room in three quick strides to gather Delia into her arms. Filled with relief and incredulous joy she pressed kiss after kiss into her dark hair.
'I'm sorry Deels. I'm so sorry I said that. I didn't mean it, I just panicked. Last night... that kiss meant everything to me. I was just so afraid that you wouldn't feel the same and that I'd have ruined everything between us. I didn't want to lose you as a friend. But everything you just said... well, I'm the same way. And even though I've been in bits worrying that I'd ruined everything... I haven't been able to stop thinking about kissing you'.
'Do you truly mean that Pats?'
'I do'.
This time when they closed the space between them the kiss was slow and deliberate, their eyes staying fixed on each other's faces until the last possible moment. Then their lips met and the rest of the world receded until there was nothing but soft skin and mingled breaths and warm arms pressing each other closer.
And Patsy was not afraid anymore.
