Prologue.
P.O.V: Natsuki Kuga
Ever since I was born I've had a secret, it was one I kept to myself and didn't broadcast for the world to know. It's not something serious, well, it's not for me, but sometimes I do try to forget about my condition. I mean, I'm not ill or anything like that, I'm a normal person. I breathed like any other human being, I ate food, I laugh, I cry, I sleep…a lot...It's just that...I'm different from other women.
I'm not the kind of person who can share my thoughts and feelings easily like some people I know. It's hard for me to simply say what it is that I want and what I need. I preferred to burry everything deep down and not speak a word of it. It's easier to live that way, but sometimes I need to talk about these things with someone that cared and would listen, someone who wasn't my family. My family is always nice to me, especially my big brother who always tries to cheer me up by saying that I'm popular with women, more so than him. I guess I was popular back in high school; back then I was the captain of the Kendo club, and all the girls said I was their prince charming. That reputation followed me throughout my scholarship; I was a tomboy, cool, cold and mysterious which seems to be a perfect combination to attract attention.
I just wanted to have a normal life, and enjoy my sports because it's one of the things most important to me; it's part of my life, until I met her. She was the complete opposite of me; feminine, beautiful, kind, and she has a good heart. She also followed me everywhere I went; she claimed she was one of my fans to get away with it too. I can't say I liked her presence at first; she was like an annoying fly that you couldn't manage to get rid of, but with time I realized that wasn't true. I've always been alone and I've never had a friend either, so when me and her became friends I had no clue what to do. Plus I love her cooking, especially her baked treats which helped her work her way into my life!
I remember the time I helped her and we first spoke; she had twisted her ankle when a fan of mine pushed her out of the way, and she couldn't walk so I carried her like a bride to our school infirmary while she teased me about being an amazing husband and calling me lovely. Once we got to the infirmary I gave some simple treatment to her ankle, and she was amazed with my work, but it was something I did often because with my sports you get hurt pretty easy. She thanked me and gave me some cookies she had baked in the home economic club, and when I was about to politely refuse she pouted and for some reason I just couldn't say no. When I ate them I was speechless; they were so delicious which is unusual for me because I'm not a fan of sugar, but this time it was different for me. After that I accepted her presence around me and after a short while I couldn't let her go, not anymore.
Ever since that day we've known each other all the way up to now. Of course, I shared my life with her, but I didn't tell her everything; she doesn't know the whole truth about me and I felt guilty for not telling her. Why? It's because she's my best friend, now and forever and I love her, I really do. I'm crazy in love with her, but I'm a coward because I don't want to tell her the truth, I'm afraid she will reject me, but I know she loves me too. The way that she looked at me, her smiles directed at me, and the way we acted together…it was not because she was just kind or polite. My friends said we're a perfect match; we would be the perfect couple and I could not stop to giggling like a teenager against my pillow that night, but then I stopped. I'm afraid she will hate me because of my secret, feel disgusted and leave. When I looked at myself I see a normal person, someone that gets shy and embarrassed just like others, I'm not that different from other people.
I'm not really sure if I'm a woman or a man because except for the part that I have breasts, something below my waist means I'm not completely a woman and it took me a long time to come to terms with it. Did I feel more like a woman or a man? I didn't feel like neither of them, but I feel comfortable with it, even though with my shy side, I can't say its real name. Just thinking about the word made me blush furiously. Jeez, I could not talk about my condition even though I'm a grown up woman-! Man! Both?! No, I was just me!
Every time I go to see my therapist he says that I need to love myself before I can love someone else, and he was right, but it wasn't that simple for me to accept that I wasn't a man or a woman. When I stripped myself of my clothes I'm ashamed of what it is that I see, I couldn't bear to see the actual me. So in front of someone else, it was just impossible. I also thought about getting surgery, but that would mean making a decision on genders and I didn't know who I was. I didn't feel feminine or masculine more than the other. I'm a tomboy, but I also liked cute things like lingerie, plush toys, doing my hair so I decided to stay myself, without any change. Now I'm 25, but even with that decision I still struggled with my feelings.
Should I tell her my secret? In my heart, I know she won't reject me, but sometimes I would imagine her smiling at me, hugging me and saying that she didn't care, that she loved me for who I was, but there was that worst scenario in my mind, this horrible moment where she looked at me with disgust, saying I lied to her, that I didn't trust her. Don't I consider her my best friend? Of course I did!
I know she's open-minded, sweet and caring and she won't hurt me on purpose. Perhaps the reason I didn't tell her I'm intersex is because I was afraid she was only attracted to my female appearance. If I tell her would be too much for her? Would our friendship no longer be enough for her and she might say that she only wants a man or a woman.
I don't know what to do…
