Alright here is my first attempt at a Humor fic, As always mega props to my beta reader Josie Raine, without whom this story would not exist.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, the story is mine.


If you asked anyone on Privet Drive. the Dursley's were a perfectly respectable family. Vernon Dursley was a manager of a highly regarded company. Petunia Dursley was famous across the neighborhood for her wonderful cooking and immaculate house. Their son was, of course, the most adorable, well-behaved little thing in the world. Now if you asked anybody normal, Vernon was an idiotic and cruel man who vaguely resembled a walrus, Petunia was a long necked eavesdropping shrew, and baby Dudley was a screeching horror who had sent three babysitters into intense therapy. But that is neither here nor there. No the point of our story is a child not born in the dull, white-washed world of Privet Drive. This boy, Harry James Potter by name, would be dumped on the Dursley's doorstep by an incredibly stupid yet well-meaning old man. Thus began a cycle that would change the course of magical history, and not necessarily for the better if you ask some.

Our story begins when that boy was five years old.

"Stupid Freak!"

It was not a happy time

"I give you one simple task, clean Dudley's room and you screw it up."

It should be noted that Harry did clean Dudley's room. It should also be noted that it took Dudley all of three seconds to make it look like a natural disaster had struck again. Not that Vernon gave anything resembling a shiny turd.

"Let's see if another night without supper will make you do your bloody chores!"

Vernon threw the child into his home in the cupboard under the stairs, promptly forgetting about him. If he had been paying attention he may have noticed that he had thrown his nephew into a shelf upon which he had hit his head and was knocked unconscious. He may not have cared, but at least he would have noticed.

Now back in the cupboard Harry was having an interesting experience. Well on the outside he wasn't doing much more than growing a rather magnificent bruise, but inside he was watching two shadowy figures fight each other. On one side there was a tall thin man with glowing red eyes. His opposite was a woman with long flowing hair. Curious he drew closer to the brawling figures. The man was far more aggressive attacking from every possible angle. But while the woman was on the defensive she still met him blow for blow never giving an inch of ground. But as Harry edged closer the two seemed to realize that they now had an audience. The battle slowed and then stopped as they turned to gape at the small boy watching them. The woman reacted first, dropping to her knees she pulled Harry in for a tight hug.

"Harry" she sobbed into his shoulder

"Who's Harry?" he asked, for the Dursleys had yet to tell him his name, Boy or Freak was usually suitable for their needs.

"What do you mean, you're Harry." She pulled back looking into his eyes

"I am?" He asked

"Yes, why don't you know that?"

At this point the man decided to remind them he was there "Because that idiot Dumbledore dropped him with a collection of demons masquerading as Muggles."

"What?" The woman turned a deep shade of red.

"The fat one beats him." He said while smiling like a shark.

"Are you telling me that Dumbledore ignored my explicit instructions and sent my son to my wizard hating sister?" The woman was working herself into a rage.

"Wizards aren't real." the young boy automatically said

This statement caused both of them to freeze in their tracks. The man looked appalled and the woman was working her way to a Vernon like shade of purple.

"Who told you this?" The man said with a dangerous fire in his eyes.

"Uncle Vernon." the boy said

"THAT BASTARD!" the woman screamed "I'LL CUT HIS TONGUE OUT!"

"I never thought I would say this, but I agree completely." The man said

The woman looked like she'd been slapped "What?" she said her earlier rage forgotten in the shock.

"You heard me woman, I propose we combine our considerable knowledge and turn those fools into a grease spot." He said with a flourish.

"Um, who are you?" A rather confused young Harry interjected.

"Oh Harry, I'm your mother. Remember." She hugged him again.

"Mom," The boy said "I have a mom." he couldn't believe it.

"Well technically you have a remnant of your true mother's soul, tied to you by the blood magic ritual she used to destroy my body." The man looked rather disgusted by the affection.

"Shut it, you son of a bitch." Lily said happily "It's close enough."

"What's your name?" Harry asked the red eyed man.

"I am the greatest dark wizard of all time, Lord Voldemort." He proclaimed with an expansive gesture.

"Voldy-what?" The boy tried to pronounce the odd name.

"His name is Tom." Lily supplied

"Don't call me that you mudblood filth." Tom said

"There's the murderous Dark Lord I hate." Lily smirked "I was worried when I heard you say you agreed with me."

"I do, you fool." he sneered "A muggle treating a wizard like that is appalling to me. And you clearly have a problem with it."

"You can't just kill my sister!" Lily shouted

"Of course I can't, I am an incorporeal soul fragment. But I can teach him to do it." he smiled smugly.

"You can't teach my son to kill people." Lily was livid

"It's really quite simple, despite his young age I'm sure he would pick it up quickly."

"That's not what I meant, you idiot. I mean it's morally wrong."

"Morally? I fear I'm unfamiliar with the term. Could you define it for me."

"Ugh, you are impossible!"

"No I clearly exist within the realm of possibility." Tom smirked

The conversation quickly devolved back into fighting, while Harry sat back to watch the fireworks he pondered what it would be like to have a mother and a friend.


I would like it greatly if you would review, reviews are bribes for fanfic writers. The more you give me the more I want to finish your favorite stories.

Next Time on Voices in My Head: Harry, Tom, and Lily torment the Dursleys, Harry makes a new friend, and Dumbledore starts to realize he's made a massive mistake.

Also check out my other story The Prisoner will you.