30 Things That a Dark Lord Must and Must Not Do

Summary: Humorous oneshot. RR.

Disclaimer: Only the 30 things is mine. The rest is owned by a billionaire.

STP: This is entirely spontaneous.

30 Things That a Dark Lord Must and Must Not Do

1.Always give your Death Eaters a dose of the Cruciatus Curse daily.

2.Call the Order of the Phoenix, the Order of the Bird Shit, or OoTBs for short.

3.Never indulge with a Death Eater, no matter how high his rank is, all of your plans because they have the tendency to mess it all up.

4.Never fall in love or go to bed with a whore or even have a one night stand.

5.Never shag a male either.

6.If you do decide to give a Horcrux to a Death Eater, make sure that they do not dispose of it eleven years after your disappearance to a Weasley, of all wizards.

7.And that they do not decide to destroy the Horcrux either.

8.Talking about the Weasleys, never admit that your greatest weakness is actually a red-head blood-traitor, who coincidentally, is Harry Potter's girlfriend.

9.Or that you actually almost, yes, almost, fell in love with another red-head, a Mudblood in fact, and that she died protecting her baby.

10.And NEVER let the OoTBs even know that you suspect the Mudblood Granger might be your secret granddaughter.

11.Do not fall into an argument with the Basilisk in the Chamber, it might be the last thing you do.

12.Never ever stand near Snape, his hair is really greasy and smells as if it was drenched in rotten eggs.

13.Always have spies on the good side, someone who is really close to one certain Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter.

14.Oh wait, Dumbles is dead, so make that Harry Potter and the next leader of the OoTBs.

15.Never ever have a seventeen year old Death Eater that goes by the name of Draco Malfoy.

16.Even though you are the Dark Lord and have six Horcruxes, please find a spell so that will make you look like your sixteen year old self and not like a balding, pale snake-nose freak.

17.And do not let your pet snake get the best of you.

18.Laugh it off if you hear a rumour about how Grindelwald is trying to contact you.

19.Or that he really fucks with a Grindylow.

20.Never ever employ Gryffindors as a Death Eater, because of their bloody braveness and a must save the world attitude.

21.Send your enemies' children to an orphanage to make them suffer like you did.

22.If you are obsessed with someone, don't drug them with a Love Potion.

23.Kill your father when you find out that he left your mother because he hated magic, leaving her to die and not caring for what happened to his son.

24.While you're at it, kill your grandparents too.

25.Dumbledore was more manipulative, you should find out his secret to use it to your bidding.

26.Do not ever trust a prophecy made by a stupid, old bat and a fraud Seer of Sybill Trelawney.

27.Don't attack a helpless innocent one-year old boy who you think may destroy you because of some damn prophecy, as their pathetic mothers might die for them and give them a protection that will spell you demise for thirteen years.

28.Easier said, never EVER trust any prophecy again.

29.Love is a powerful thing. You can manipulate it if you know how. But be wary, even you can be swayed into this dangerous and fatal path.

30.Don't stay here and read this already; get off your fat arse and go execute your plans to control the whole wide world!