Title: Doubt
Doubt can be an ugly thing.
I'm lying here in bed, with the man I love asleep next to me, running my thumb over the diamond engagement ring he's slipped on my finger earlier tonight, and I can't sleep.
I think when the one you loves says, "will you marry me?" your mind goes on automatic pilot. I said yes before I even thought about it. We made love, and now it's 3 in the morning, I'm lying in bed and all my doubts have come creeping in.
It's a beautiful ring, too. It's the same ring I was looking at a year ago, long before I knew how he felt about me and before I even realized how I felt about him. And he had bought the ring the next day, and had it in the top drawer of his dresser in his bedroom. He said he knew that one day, we'd be in this place in our lives and he had hoped he'd have the courage to ask me to be his wife.
We've known each other for over ten years. We've been best friends for two years, and he told me he's been in love with me since before that. While he dated Alicia, and I dated Matt, Fred and Mike, and swooned over Jeff, he was in love with me. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt him. All the times I came to him and cried on his shoulder about one of those guys, he was there for me. Loving me, supporting me, always there; a constant in my life.
I love Scott. That is the one thing I'm sure of. But I'm not sure about spending the rest of my life with anyone. It's hard to wrap your mind around "forever" when you haven't had all that much stability in your life up to this point. It's a foreign concept to someone who's never been in a relationship for more than two months.
He's a really great guy, and he treats me like a queen. When he looks at me, I truly think he sees me. The real me, not the person I try and put forward to the public. All my faults, weaknesses, all the crap, and he still loves me. He sees me, and he makes me feel like I'm naked.
He loves me with all his heart and soul. And when I'm lying in his arms, I know it doesn't get any better than that.
So why can't I sleep?
Maybe because I don't think I deserve him. I don't deserve the unconditional love he gives me; I don't deserve the way he looks at me.
God, I love him so much, my heart aches. I miss him when we're not together, even for a few minutes. My heart does somersaults when I see him. That's love, isn't it? I know I've never felt like this before.
If he woke up now, he'd question why I'm not sleeping. And what would I say? "I'm having second thoughts about marrying you." Yeah, that would go over well.
So, I just go back to sleep, the sound of his steady breathing my only lullaby.
Doubt can be an ugly thing.
I'm lying here in bed, with the man I love asleep next to me, running my thumb over the diamond engagement ring he's slipped on my finger earlier tonight, and I can't sleep.
I think when the one you loves says, "will you marry me?" your mind goes on automatic pilot. I said yes before I even thought about it. We made love, and now it's 3 in the morning, I'm lying in bed and all my doubts have come creeping in.
It's a beautiful ring, too. It's the same ring I was looking at a year ago, long before I knew how he felt about me and before I even realized how I felt about him. And he had bought the ring the next day, and had it in the top drawer of his dresser in his bedroom. He said he knew that one day, we'd be in this place in our lives and he had hoped he'd have the courage to ask me to be his wife.
We've known each other for over ten years. We've been best friends for two years, and he told me he's been in love with me since before that. While he dated Alicia, and I dated Matt, Fred and Mike, and swooned over Jeff, he was in love with me. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt him. All the times I came to him and cried on his shoulder about one of those guys, he was there for me. Loving me, supporting me, always there; a constant in my life.
I love Scott. That is the one thing I'm sure of. But I'm not sure about spending the rest of my life with anyone. It's hard to wrap your mind around "forever" when you haven't had all that much stability in your life up to this point. It's a foreign concept to someone who's never been in a relationship for more than two months.
He's a really great guy, and he treats me like a queen. When he looks at me, I truly think he sees me. The real me, not the person I try and put forward to the public. All my faults, weaknesses, all the crap, and he still loves me. He sees me, and he makes me feel like I'm naked.
He loves me with all his heart and soul. And when I'm lying in his arms, I know it doesn't get any better than that.
So why can't I sleep?
Maybe because I don't think I deserve him. I don't deserve the unconditional love he gives me; I don't deserve the way he looks at me.
God, I love him so much, my heart aches. I miss him when we're not together, even for a few minutes. My heart does somersaults when I see him. That's love, isn't it? I know I've never felt like this before.
If he woke up now, he'd question why I'm not sleeping. And what would I say? "I'm having second thoughts about marrying you." Yeah, that would go over well.
So, I just go back to sleep, the sound of his steady breathing my only lullaby.
