Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.
A/N: Well, because of a generous review from Nerebird and some thoughts I've had, I've decided to post Chapters 28-30 of my current story "You Got HaruhiRolled!" as its own fic. Let's give Emiri the praise she so rightly deserves. Or ridicule. Oh, well. It's the first Emiri-centric fic ever. Take what you can get. Have fun.
Once again, credit goes to ObsidianWarrior for providing me with some song lyrics from Marilyn Mansion. Thanks!
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"WOO-HOO! I WON!"
"Shoot!"
Haruhi and Kyon were engaged in a serious struggle in their classroom. That struggle was in fact a children's card game. Around them, Mikuru, Yuki, Itsuki and several others watched the game with an ongoing interest. The score was Haruhi:7 and Kyon:4.
"Ready to give, Kyon?" Haruhi asked with a smug, little grin etched on her face.
Kyon frowned at the Ultra Director. "Just let me shuffle the cards and I'll take you to school."
They began their twelfth match that day. Just as Kyon was about to slap down a trap card when...
"Hello, everyone!" chirped a cheery voice.
Haruhi grimaced and looked at the voice's owner. "Hello, Emiri."
Emiri Kimidori stood at their table smiling happily. She waved energetically at Yuki, Itsuki, and Mikuru.
"How's everybody doing!" she exclaimed.
"Good," said Mikuru.
"Fine," said Itsuki.
"......Pleasant," said Yuki.
Kyon looked at Emiri and gave her a charming smile. "Good day, Miss Kimidori."
Emiri smiled back at him before observing the card game. "What are you playing?"
"Duel Monsters," muttered Haruhi.
"Oh! That's sounds like fun! Can I play?" asked the girl with the light-green hair.
In response, Haruhi set down her cards and gave her a smarmy smile.
"Oooooooohhhhh... I'm so sorry, Emiri. Main characters only. You understand right?"
Emiri's cheerful expression disappeared and was replaced with one of hurt. "Wha... What do you mean by that?
"What she means, Kimidori," Itsuki interrupted, "Is that you're a minor character. As the main characters of this series, we can't afford to be seen with such riff-raff."
Emiri was mortified. She turned and saw that also sitting around the table was Taniguchi, Kunikida, Tsuruya, Ryoko, and Kyon's sister for some reason. They all waved at her.
"But they're all minor characters too! Why are you excluding me?!" she shouted.
"They've all had time to gain popularity on the internet," explained Haruhi. "And each of them has had more than two minutes of screen. Even the Computer Club President and his band of geeks have had more character development than you."
"T-T-That can't be..." Emiri stuttered.
Haruhi grinned at her. "Actually... it is. Now why don't you make like a tree and get the fuck out of here. Or else we will all be forced to throw produce at you."
After an uncomfortable amount of silence, Haruhi looked at Kyon (who had completely shocked look on his face at the actions of his friends), Itsuki, Mikuru, Yuki, and everyone else in the room. Then she shrugged.
"Ah, what the hell."
Emiri was soon dashing out of the room to avoid being struck by tomatoes, watermelons, pineapples, and pumpkins. Soon the room was full of cruel, mocking laughter.
"Didja see her run? What an idiot!" laughed Tsuruya, who was leaning against a giggling Mikuru.
"Yeah! Like she ever had a chance at hanging out with us!" chuckled Ryoko. Even Yuki was smirking.
"I can't believe you all!" Kyon shouted, standing out of his chair. "Miss Kimidori was only asking to play a simple game with us and you all humiliate her! That's sick!"
"Oh relax, Kyon!" Haruhi barked at him. "Emiri will eventually learn to accept her fate as a background character. It's the way of life. What's the worst that could happen?"
***
In a tiny apartment across town, Emiri Kimidori was curled up in a ball on her bed, sobbing her artificial heart out.
"Why were they all so mean to me?! I just wanted to make some friends! Why does everyone hate me!? Is being unpopular a crime? WHY CAN'T I EVER HAVE ANYTHING MY WAY!!!"
Deep down, Emiri knew that everyone at school resented her. She hadn't even done anything to anyone and it still made her unpopular! She was the most forgettable character in the whole show. She was higher ranked than Yuki and Ryoko, and even they treated her like a nuisance. Her image song was collecting dust in bargain bins and every time someone posted a 'Which Haruhi Girls Would I Do?' video on YouTube, she was always listed as 'who?'.
The worst blow came when the Haruhi-chan series came out. No one told her about it. She had to go to Wikipedia to find out about it. She hadn't been shelved, though. Oh no. She'd been replaced.
By a FUCKING balloon animal.
With a terrible scream, Emiri began tossing furniture around the room and shattering anything remotely fragile. She flipped her bed off the ground and punched a hole in the wall. After about ten minutes of destruction, Emiri plopped herself onto the floor, breathing heavily. She was exhausted. With a wave of her hands, everything in the room was back in its proper place and good as new.
"That didn't solve anything. I'm still the series most unlikeable character... besides Haruhi and Mikuru. If only there was some way I could get people's attention... Some way to get them to notice me..." Emiri mused.
Suddenly, the Humanoid Interface was hit with a stroke of brilliance.
"I know just what do to! I'll reinvent myself to be more interesting! They'll like me then!"
Emiri skipped over to her computer and booted up the internet. After a few minutes of browsing, she found what she needed: a site that had a list of every known possible high school stereotype. She began to leaf through them.
"Let's see here... I need a new persona if I want to be noticed. I'm too pretty to be a nerd, but not pretty enough to be a slut... There's already too many fast girls on the track team... I don't know where to find a good dealer, so being a burnout is out of the question... Hmmm........................................... Oh! Wait a second!"
Emiri leaned in close to the computer screen and began to read the paragraph. After about half an hour of research, she smiled.
"This is perfect for me! I already hate my life and I've never seen one at our school before so that'll make me a trailblazer! People will notice me then! Time to get to work!"
And so Emiri left her apartment and warped herself to America in order to seek out the store known as Hot Topic.
***
The Next Day at School...
***
It was lunchtime and the SOS Brigade had gathered in the clubroom along with their honorary members (sans Kyon's sister) for a meeting. Surprisingly, it was Kyon who had called the meeting and not Haruhi. Needless to say, Haruhi was peeved.
"Who gave you the authorization to call a meeting without my knowledge! This is treason you know!" Haruhi bellowed.
Kyon shot her a nasty look. "You were all complete bullies to Miss Kimidori the other day! Therefore, I have arranged this meeting so that you can all apologize to her."
Kyon was met with a few 'What!'s and 'Oh brother...'s, but he didn't care. He was more of an acquaintance to Emiri than a best friend, but he always said hello to her and sometimes ate lunch with her. Haruhi and everyone else's behavior yesterday was appalling and he couldn't let Emiri go around thinking she was a waste of skin and bones. Or data.
Haruhi was a bit more vocal about her disappointment. "Why the hell should we apologize to that nobody? Give me one good reason!"
Kyon gave her a knowing smirk and said in a voice only she could hear, "Because Haruhi... I know you wouldn't want me to pass around copies of that picture of you in a certain pose? Remember? You came by my house to visit me while my parents and sister were out. Then you sent me get your camera fixed, because you were too tired? So you said were gonna take a nap on my couch while I was gone. But then I forgot my wallet and had to come back inside. And what do I find? You were holding a jar of peanut butter in one hand and Shamisen in the other, while standing in your underwear in my living room. Then it turns out the camera did work! Hmm? Remember that?"
Haruhi's eyes bugged out, her face reddened, and she hissed, "You told me you burned that picture..."
Kyon smiled. "I lied."
Gritting her teeth, Haruhi spun around to address the rest of the Brigade with a phony smile. "People! Kyon is right! We have to make things right with Emiri! Who's with me!"
Seeing that Haruhi was willing to help out seemed to perk up everyone. Kyon smiled, despite the fact that Haruhi was undoubtedly going to violently murder him after this was over. Was it his fault she harbored such a disgusting, shameful secret? Just then, a flash of pale green went by the open clubroom door.
"There she is, guys. Now just act nice and complement her as much as you can, okay?" asked Haruhi. Everyone nodded in unison as Haruhi walked out the door after Emiri.
"Hey there, Emiri!" they heard Haruhi say energetically. "How are- WHOA!!!"
Confused, everyone else filed out into the hallway to see what had happened. They saw Haruhi standing with her jaws gaping. Then they all looked at Emiri. Everyone almost fainted. For it was not the Emiri Kimidori they had grown accustomed to.
Emiri was, for once, wearing her cardigan, but that wasn't the only change. Her hair had been dyed completely black, though they were six streaks of her original green hairstyle in the back. The yellow hairclips she always wore had been replaced with tiny, silver, skull-shaped hairclips with tiny rubies in their eye sockets. Emiri's eyes sported some violet eyeliner beneath them and her fingernails had been painted black. She was also holding her schoolbag which was decorated with a poster of some person with pale skin and black hair. In the other hand, she clutched a handful pages with some notes scribbled on them.
"Hello," Emiri said icily.
"Hi," said everyone else.
They just sort of stared at her until Kyon spoke up. "H-Hey there, Miss Kimidori. Did you... do something with your hair?"
Emiri moved her head to the side as if she were examining him. "Why yes, Kyon. I decided that green wasn't really working out for me, so I dyed it. I did keep a few pieces untouched, though. I wanted to remind myself that the old me is dead."
"Whaa...?" said a confused Haruhi. "What do you mean by that?"
"I've changed my entire lifestyle! I'm not a slave to a god that doesn't exist, I'm not a slave to world that doesn't give a shit!" responded Emiri. Everyone shivered at her sudden outburst, but stayed put. Emiri then lowered her head to floor and murmured something. Kyon couldn't quite hear her, but it sounded an awful lot like, 'Everyone will suffer now'. He shuddered.
"Say, Kimidori," said Taniguchi, stepping up towards Emiri, "Who's that on your bag?"
"Marilyn Manson," replied Emiri looking up.
"She looks creepy..." whispered Mikuru.
"Marilyn Manson is a man," Emiri spat, sending a soul-rending look at Mikuru. "I'll forgive you for your misinterpretation, though. I must say though Miss Asahina, you look very beautiful today."
"Really?"
"Yes. When I see you in the sun, you're as pretty as a swastika."
The poor girl's knees almost turned into jelly. Taniguchi saw the opportunity to run from the frightening situation, but something told him that if he made any sudden movements, Emiri would bite him. Or was that with reptiles?
"What's that in your hand, Miss Kimidori?" asked Kyon politely.
Emiri held out the papers and said nonchalantly, "Just some poetry I've been working on. They're really quite lovely. Would you all like to hear one?"
"Why not?" said a very uncomfortable Itsuki.
"Certainly!" cried a bubbly Ryoko. "Don't you want to hear one of Emiri's poems, Yuki?"
Yuki stared at Ryoko as if the blunette had told her she was a dinosaur. But Yuki nodded anyways. Emiri allowed a small smile to creep up on her face and brought up the papers.
"Very well. I shall read you a poem I call "Emiri's Solution". I hope you all have as much fun hearing it as I did writing it."
Haruhi, Kyon, and the rest all smiled, despite the fact that they knew they most definitely NOT going to enjoy it. A second later, Emiri began to read her poem in a voice as sweet as honey.
"Slit my wrists, slit my wrists, a razorblade should do the trick
Slit my wrists, slit my wrists, give my skin a little nick,
Watch it flow, watch it flow, watch the red stain without a care,
Watch it flow, watch it flow, my life is oozing with despair."
Looking up from the paper, Emiri stared at the group from of her in order to gauge their reactions. "Well? What did you all think?"
The teens stared at Emiri as if she had just sprouted fairy wings and a fuzzy tail. Their faces ranged from shock, disgust, confusion, and terror. None of them said anything. Then Haruhi stepped forward with a weak grin on her face.
"It was really............. creative! Yeah! Creative and expressive! It expressed your...... creativeness! What did you think, Tsuruya!"
Slightly pissed that Haruhi had put her in the spotlight, Tsuruya came forth to give some faux praise.
"Oh yeah! It was really, really good, nyoro! Your words made me picture all that blood in my head! It was also megas catchy! My favorite part was when it rhymed! Yeah...!"
Emiri seemed to mull over the compliments in her mind for a couple of seconds. Then she shrugged her shoulders and tucked the papers under her left arm. She turned away from them.
"Oh well. It doesn't matter to me whether you enjoyed my insightful musings or not. None of it will matter in the long run."
"What do you mean by that?" inquired Kyon.
Emiri turned her head over her shoulder and fixed an empty gaze on him. "Because in the long, none of what we've done will matter once we've expired. What's the point of continuing with your life if you're going to be bombarded with disappointment. We can only find eternal peace in the sweet embrace of death..."
There was a sudden chill in the hall.
"Well, anyways," piped up Emiri, "I've got to hurry along now. I've got some papers to copy for the Student Government. Farewell, everyone. May we all get together again, like scattered leaves on the forgotten pond of time!"
And with that, Emiri skipped away down the hall and out of sight.
An awkward silence befell the group.
"What the hell just happened?" asked a very disturbed Taniguchi.
"Perhaps it was a very vivid nightmare that all of us had at the same time," offered Kunikida, who was trying to make sense of the whole ordeal.
"That was no nightmare," said Itsuki. "That thing... was our very own Emiri Kimidori."
"Damn it!" yelled Kyon. "I knew something terrible would happen if you all mistreated her! Now look at her! Miss Kimidori has become one of them!"
Haruhi gasped. "No, Kyon! It's impossible! You don't mean-"
Kyon grabbed Haruhi by the shoulders and locked eyes with her. "IT'S ALL TRUE, HARUHI!!! THE SIGNS ARE CLEAR!!! EMIRI KIMIDORI HAS BECOME A CREATURE OF DARKNESS!!! SHE'S GONE.........."
He let go of Haruhi and turned to face everyone else. The next word that came out of his mouth was one that was dripping with extreme hatred.
"Emo."
And that's when Mikuru fainted.
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A/N: Oh, Emiri! You silly scamp! Who knows what sort of trouble you'll get yourself into! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Now if you'll excuse me everyone, I'm going to go write some poetry and slit my wrists.
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