Chapter 1: In Which We Awaken With No Clue of What Happened…

"Wake up. Hurry. Orcs are about."

I groggily tried to open my eyes. Needless to say, it wasn't working out very well. My head was pounding like a drum of war. Gingerly, I moved my hands up to my temples and rubbed a little. While relaxing, it did little to clear my mind.

"What the hell happened?"

Oddly enough, the first thought that came to me when I finally seemed to snap out of my confusion was where on earth is my wand? I moved a hand ever so slightly to find it, and sure enough, my pretty black wand was soon clutched in my rather shaky grasp. My next thought was voiced aloud.

"Why am I on my back?"

"You must hurry, foolish girl! We are in grave danger, and I am much too kind, caring, and noble to abandon you to your fate! We must fly! Quickly!"

I figured by now it was time to turn my attention to this person who seemed to be speaking to me. She was standing above me like some sort of conquering queen, milky white skin, hair of flaxen gold, and eyes the color of the bright blue sky and all that crap. But maybe I'm not doing her justice. I can't say that the epithet thing is my strong suit.

"Who are you?"

She smiled…benevolently at me as though trying to ease my possible discomfort. For some odd reason, I felt like she was giving me a don't-be-too-intimidated-by-my-incomparable-beauty look, but I quickly dismissed the thought. I shouldn't assume things. Slowly, she bent down towards me and gave me the Hand of Hope. You know, like when you're holding your hand out to someone cinema-style, that sort of dramatic, here! Take my hand! I'll save you thing. Her expression flashed annoyed for a moment when I hesitated to take it.

"Come, we must flee. Do not scorn my kindness, ugly girl, as it is as deep and bountiful as the sea! We must make haste!"

I took her hand and then realized it seemed to be for show when she didn't actually help in pulling me up. Wow. Why even bother offering to help someone up if you weren't going to go through with it? It was then that a sudden thought came to me.

"Where's Alex?"

The woman was half turned around and totally ignored my question. I threw her a withering glare and then choked. She had pointy ears. What the hell? It was then that I noticed her attire. A long, flowing white dress. That was somehow really clean. Like, perfectly clean. Impressive for someone apparently running circles in a forest. Does she use Tide? Anyway…

"Where's my friend? Answer me, dammit!"

Once again, I was ignored. It was at about this point that I started piecing things together. Elf ears, fantasy type dress, sword. I'm dreaming, clearly. I was about to smack myself in the face to wake myself up for real when there was a sudden whistling noise and something whizzed by me. Somehow, it didn't sound pleasant.

"We've found 'em, we 'ave! 'Ere! 'Ere!"

There was an arrow stuck in the ground. I stared at it for a fraction of a second before, well, for lack of a better phrase, hauling ass out of there. Have I mentioned that running is not my strong suit? Wand clutched firmly in hand, I leapt surprisingly athletically over a tree root and fled from what seemed to be an oncoming mini army of orcs. I was distantly pleased at this, but that brief joy came to an end all too soon when my foot was snagged in a bush and I fell flat on my face.

"Look! There's another one, behind those treesss!"

I knew they weren't talking about me as I scrambled to my feet, ducking my head out of instinct and narrowly missing a wild swing from a black orc blade. A good distance away, I saw Alex looking around, clearly confused. She must have just woken. I panicked as I barely jumped out of the way of another probably would have been fatal blow.

"ALEX! MOVE!"

An orc had alerted others to her presence and proceeded to attack her. Aw, hell no! No one messes with my big sis whether I'm dreaming or not! My mouth set into a thin line, I slipped by a tree with an orc hot on my heels and tackled the offending orc to the ground. Pain exploded in my shoulder and I couldn't help but cry out, as much as I hated doing so. Where the hell was that elf lady with the sword? Seriously?

"WATCH OUT!"

I turned my head to see what Alex was screaming about and then screamed myself because I saw a knife coming down towards what I suspected was to be my throat. The orc who I'd rammed into, held me much too tightly in his grip, ensuring that I would not escape this killing blow. I squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could and cringed at the ringing of steel.

The orc behind me squealed like…well, like a stuck pig. My eyes, I'm embarrassed to say, actually fluttered open. In front of me was a golden haired elf, one sword parrying a blow, the other black with orc blood, having just pulled it out of my captor. I stared.

"Glorfindel?"

"NEVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO DIE!"

Just in case you were wondering, that last bit of dialogue wasn't Glorfindel. That was Alex, who had scrambled up off the ground and promptly burst into tears. The blonde elf suddenly shoved me to the floor and killed another orc. And then another. He seemed to…pirouette between trees, cutting down an enemy here, an enemy there. With my guard as…up? I suppose, as it could be, I crawled over to Alex, who was just now understanding that I had almost been attacked by an orc. The tears stopped. And then-

"Dude, where are we?"

I chuckled to myself, still a bit, well, bat shit insane from my near death experience.

"We're in Lord of the Rings. In my dream. And fuuuuuuuuuck, my shoulder hurts."

Alex gave me a strange look.

"If your shoulder hurts, doesn't that mean that this isn't a dream?"

My mouth popped open as I stared at her. I continued doing so until she looked a little nervous. I laughed. She proceeded to claw my face with her scary long nails.

"OW, WHAT THE FUCK?"

Glaring, I grabbed at her arm and chomped on her wrist. She swore and shook me off. I pouted angrily and she narrowed her eyes at me. Suddenly, it didn't matter because we were staring at each other in wide-eyed astonishment. Having no clue why she was staring at me, I just pointed at her and freaked out.

"Why is your hair suddenly way darker and longer and are you wearing blue contacts and please tell me those are your fake elf ears from Ren Fest…"

"THIS ISN'T A DREAM! How else could you feel pain? Ughhhhh, I have a headache and I really need some Calpol."

I waited patiently until my words sunk in.

"Wait-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

I started laughing as she started touching her face in confusion. When she tugged on her ear and nothing happened, my suspicions were confirmed.

"You're an elf. You're a bloody elf! Dude, that's so freaking cool!"

Okay, so my brains are a bit addled by the pain and shock and whatnot. In essence, she looked the same, her small, rounded nose was the same, her small mouth, her actually kind of elegant eyebrows. She still looked like herself. 'Cept she was kinda luminescent. And oddly tall. Oh shit.

"Please don't tell me I'm a hobbit. Or a dwarf. I'm going to be seriously insecure if I'm not taller than you. I might just die. I mean, I'm already younger and-"

"You're not. I just stood up."

"Oh."

Oddly cheered by that, I let her help me up and then, after a very brief debate, we decided that we should go left, away from all of the, er, action. Well, I decided. In fact, I was just about to take a step in said direction when suddenly someone grabbed me from behind and held a knife to my throat. Judging from the stench, it was an orc.

"MARIE!"

Without thinking, I jabbed my wand backwards into the orc's face. At least, I think it was his face. There was a sick squelching noise and the orc screamed. The knife fell, but I wasn't able to get away because he slammed me into a tree with a hand around my throat, the other clamped over his eye.

"Stupid girl. I'll bleed you like a-"

He never got the chance to say "stuck pig" in true orc fashion because there was an arrow so deeply embedded in his chest, it looked in danger of going through him completely. I know it was really horrible of me, but I couldn't help but breathe a sigh in relief. Alex looked shell shocked. Grimacing, I bent over and grabbed my wand from beneath the orc. It had some sort of goop on it that I'd really rather never think of again. I grinned weakly at Alex.

"So, I totally know how Harry felt when he got his wand back from up the troll's nose."

She chuckled slightly and then, once again, I found myself with a weapon at my throat.

"Speak now, stranger. What is your purpose in Rivendell?"

At least it wasn't an orc. Alex, clearly pissed, stomped over with that now-you-look-here face that precedes finger wagging but stopped when I shot her a look. I was pretty damn sure that the blondie in front of me was Glorfindel. Unfortunately, he had caught Alex's movement and turned his attention to her-his sword still at my neck.

"What is your name, Lady?"

Alex opened her mouth to answer, but I shot her a furious look. She kept silent. I cleared my throat to get the elf's attention. He looked at me with sharp, narrowed eyes. What the hell, were all elves this paranoid? Seriously?

"Her name is Tiriel, and I am Ilmarë."

"And I am Lady Luna Arwen Eowyn Galadriel Moonshine."

That elf girl from before had just popped up out of nowhere. Glorfindel slowly lowered his sword from my neck, and I almost cried in relief. He appraised me carefully, frowning.

"How is it that one of the race of man knows our tongue?"

I gave him that really, really blank stare so common in math classrooms.

"Pardon?"

He glared at me, incredibly suspicious as I was slowly beginning to believe all elves to be. The sword got a little closer to my throat and I grimaced. Alex threw her hands up in the air, exasperated. I couldn't really blame her, we're not really getting anywhere here.

"Lord Glorfindel…"

He nodded, looking a bit surprised. I smiled as sweetly as I could muster.

"Lord Glorfindel, please, it is urgent that we speak to Lord Elrond. We've come far, and-"

He glared at me from his lofty height.

"If you lie, boy, you will be killed without a second thought."

My mouth popped open for a moment, and I nearly decked the stupid elf. What the hell? I'M NOT A BOY! What the fuck gave him that preposterous idea? I am a WOMAN. As in, a member of the superior gender! I even gave him a girl's name! Ilmarë! EEL-MA-RAY. Which, according to that one Lord of the Rings name generator, was a GIRL'S name! It came out of my mouth before I could stop myself:

"I'm not a boy!"

A thin, elegant blonde eyebrow was raised at my explanation.

"Do you claim to be a man, then? You that are not yet fully grown, without so much as a whisker on your chin?"

My eyes widened…a lot.

"TEVENYEL!"

The golden-haired god-I mean, jerk face-narrowed his eyes at me, before backing me up into a tree his amusement diminishing.

"So, you not only speak Sindarin, but Quenya as well?"

I stared at him. What the hell was that all about? All I said was "I hate you." Suddenly, he grabbed at my wrist and started dragging me off. He stopped in front of my newly turned elf best friend and the weird elf chick who had disappeared during the fight.

"Ladies, you appear to be kin. Please allow me to escort you to Lord Elrond."

The blonde elf girl nodded rather…smugly and smiled a dazzling sort of smile. Maybe blinding is the better word. Alex, who I now have to get used to calling Tiriel, frowned.

"Er, yeah, that's cool, but I think you're hurting M-Ilmarë."

I nodded furiously.

"Yeah! Listen here mister, if you so much as sprain my wrist, I'm going to rise from the dead once my mom has killed me for not practicing my violin and unleash my undead wrath on you!"

Glorfindel shot me a look that was somewhere between confusion and anger.

"What is a violin? And it is no fault of mine that your wrist is weak. You should perhaps not be so idle, so that you might grow broader shoulders and strength in your arms."

Oh yeah…we'd established that Alex-I mean Tiriel-and I are trapped in Middle Earth. They don't have violins…I don't think. Well, they might but it would have a different name here. But wow, I didn't know elves spoke English.

"A violin is a type of musical instrument! And-WHY WOULD I WANT TO GROW BROADER SHOULDERS? I'M A FUCKING GIRL, NOT SOME BUTCH BODY BUILDER!"

Judging by his face, Glorfindel didn't understand what I just said. Or at least, not the important part. Language barriers suck, and I have a feeling that asking him if he speaks Spanish won't help. At least, I thought so until he dropped my hand like it was on bloody fire and stepped back. Crap, did I say the wrong thing? Maybe I accidentally said something that sounded like "I am Sauron" in elvish…?

"You are a woman?"

Ah, so the important part did get through to him.

"YES! AND YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!"

It didn't look like he understood my insult, but instead he grabbed my wrist again and pushed me to the ground. I cried out because, well, if you've been reading closely, you'll know I hurt my shoulder saving Al-Tiriel from an orc. Glorfindel whistled loudly, kneeling beside me. I warned Tiriel to stay put with a sharp look, because she looked like she was about to kick some hardcore elvish ass. The blonde chick looked really bored. I heard the rather pleasant sound of horse's hooves approaching. Within a few seconds, there was a grey steed at my side. I mean white. Well, grey in actual horse terms. But I used to ride, and I don't know if everyone would know about stuff like that if they didn't.

"Come Asfaloth. Another requires your aid."

The horse like knelt on the floor and the next thing I knew, there were two hands on my back. No, on my shoulder.

"Ilmarë, is it not? I will now set your shoulder. It will hurt."

I didn't even have enough time to turn around and mutter a few choice words at the blonde man's face, because the two hands on my back suddenly applied A LOT of pressure and I felt my bone snap back into place. Then Glorfindel tried to pull me up onto the horse. And I say tried because he didn't succeed.

"No thank you, my lord. I would rather walk."

Glorfindel, clearly annoyed, glared at me, but I matched his expression with my best "boss face" and we reached a stalemate. Knowing, unfortunately, that I wasn't going to win, I decided to just walk on, my hand clutched to my shoulder as I made my way to Tiriel.

"Are you okay?"

I sniffled at my friend's innocent question.

"Peachy. When we get home, you owe me a carton of ice cream."

Tiriel looked taken aback.

"For what?"

I grinned.

"For saving your life. I freaking tackled an orc for you, dude. Cut me some slack."

Just like that, she started laughing, and I joined in, and we basically "made merry" all the way down the valley. The look on Glorfindel's face was hilarious. He looked really annoyed. Feeling more than a tad wicked, I plastered the most innocent expression I could garner on my face and pointed at the blonde elf lady's ankle, having noted the rather obvious looks of adoration and…something else that she had been throwing at Glorfindel every few seconds. Judging from the look of deep discomfort on his face, he had as well.

"Oh no! Lady Luna! You're ankle is hurt!"

She threw me a haughty look.

"It's Lady Luna Arwen Eowyn Galadriel Moonshine to you, peasant."

Barely biting back a nasty retort, I turned to Glorfindel.

"My lord, surely you would not leave an injured lady to her luck in such a manner? After all, it was Lady, er, Moonshine that had her sword out and ready when the orcs attacked, and it was she who attempted to rouse me as I lay unconscious on the ground. Surely such valor cannot be overlooked? Clearly, the lady needs your assistance."

The scathing look I got in return was worth every figurative penny. I knew that there was really nothing wrong with her foot, and I highly doubted she'd actually even fought, I mean, even GLORFINDEL, the TWICE-BORN BALROG-SLAYER got dirty when fighting. She was as fresh as a spring morning. No worries, though, because the second I mentioned it, she started limping like a horse with three lame legs. He sighed.

"Lady Ilmarë is too kind. How could I have overlooked it? Please, you shall ride my horse. And of course, you mustn't fear. My horse will not let any rider fall that I command him to bear. His pace is light and smooth enough for your comfort, I should think, as well. His name is Asfaloth."

The blonde she-elf ran to his side to "allow" him to assist her in mounting so quickly I thought she'd put on the ring and disappeared. I snuck a smug glance at Glorfindel's pained face. This was going to interesting. Very, very interesting.

In Which We Awaken With No Clue of What Happened/End.