Anywhere But Here
Prologue:
I can still hear the sirens. So close and deafening, rattling my eardrums even hours later. Those flashing colours of red and blue melded together as my eyes blurred. My eyes shaking almost as much as my hands were. My grip around the phone slipped, so I clung onto my sweatshirt. Trying to keep myself still. Hurry. I whispered to myself. Help us. My eyes kept drooping shut. And I jerked forward through time. I was in my living room, someone shaking my arm, calling out words which my brain couldn't piece together. Then I was outside, the stars seemed to dance across my vision, people moving around me, shouting. Everything went dark and I could feel my lungs struggling. I'm moving I think, there's two figures stood over me. I think they're speaking again but it just sounds like muffles now. As if I was submerged in water, the sound waves distorted. The shrill sound of sirens still calls out to me though.
There's a rush and my eyes are flooded with white, my face covered with a mask. I'm breathing again. My lungs feel cold but relaxed. Stay awake. Just keep breathing. You're safe now. You both are. Every time I blinked another minute passed. Stay awake. Don't leave him too. I wanted to cry. I wanted to let out a scream. I wanted to thrash and just do something, anything. But my body didn't feel like my own. I was left with a feeling of suspension. Of unknowing. Of helplessness. I needed to know if he was okay too. He has to be. I'm coming Daddy. ***
A couple of unbearable days have passed. There's a hanging silence now. I stare down the extensive white hallway of the ward. I'm sat on one of those uncomfortable chairs, it scrapes along the tiled floor as I fidget. The sterile smell makes me feel uneasy. Hospitals are such awful places. As I wait, I pick at the bandages covering my cheek and arms. It's so itchy.
"You should stop that." My Aunt Mana calls from the side of me. As I glance at her I notice just how sad her eyes are, the bright shade of honey now dull. "You should drink something, okay?" She hands me a glass of water. I take it but I don't drink it right away. My stomach churns and I don't want to fuel it in any way. Mana sighs, thinking of how to start again. "Well, the police don't need another statement. So we can leave pretty soon okay?" I think she just feels the need to fill the silence. "I picked up some of your stuff, yeah? We can just go back to my place, I set your room up and everything. I even brought your bear. I know how you love it-"
"Can I see him?" I decide to cut in. She knows who I mean; Dad. She shoots me another sympathetic, yet fleeting look.
"Oh sweetie, I don't think that's a good idea."
"But he's okay? Isn't he?" A frown takes over my expression. I can feel a cut open up again, bleeding through the dressings on my face. Mana purses her lips. Her hand reaches out to rest itself on my knee.
"They say he's stable. No sign of consciousness. But he's going to be okay honey. Trust me." Her reassurances were supposed to soothe me. But my worry didn't lessen.
"I made a mess of everything." I sigh. Mana goes off on another limb, with choruses of 'no! of course not! it isn't your fault!' and 'you couldn't have expected this to happen! don't beat yourself up!' and my favourite: 'everything will be okay!' I give a tired reply. "I don't believe you."
The car journey from the hospital was filled with an extended hush. The trip to where she lived was a fair distance across the city. Sometimes almost an hour long drive depending on traffic. Mana had run out of things to say. She talked a lot when she was nervous. I could still feel how anxious she was because she kept peering at me through her auburn hair, rather than focusing wholly on the road. I try to ignore her for the rest of the journey, I'm drawn to the view out of my window. It's dark and I can hear the wind whistling away outside. The autumn weather expresses itself by hurling leaves at the glass. A shiver makes its way up my spine as I imagine the chill of the breeze. We pass by some shops and grocery stores, mostly still illuminated. The light reveals my reflection on the window. I hadn't taken the time to have a good look at myself at the hospital. The bandages on my face are dirty and have been bled through. The dark red colour contrasts with my pale skin. It's all the more paler now, almost sickly. My ashen blonde hair is messy and greasy, obscuring my vision as it escapes my ponytail. My brown eyes look dead and sunken in. They're defined by dark lines from my lack of rest. I look dreadful.
***
When we reach Mana's house she sits me down in her small kitchen. She changes the dressing on my face and places a cup of tea in front of me. The cup has Buzz Lightyear on it.
"Drink up sweetie, you need energy from somewhere." She encourages me. She's really trying her best under the circumstances. She doesn't really know how to handle this at all. I take tiny sips of the milky brew, for her benefit. But she's gone back to filling in silences again. "So, sweetheart. Are you, are you alright? It's just that after, well, do you need to talk to anyone? Professionally, I mean?" There's a pause as I debate my answer. Mana looks terribly uncomfortable, her hands wrapped desperately tight around her own cup handle, she's lost in this situation. The worry is going to kill her.
"I'm not fantastic but I'll be okay. Don't make me talk to anyone. Can we just, I don't know, move on? Please?" Mana shakes herself out of her worried daze.
"Oh of course, of course. Are you still wanting to go to school? Or do you want tutoring instead?"
"I can switch to a closer school, my other school is too long of a trip for everyday. Would that be okay? I can start on Monday."
"Sure honey, if you're up for it, there's the Konoha High School, but what about your old friends?"
"It's okay, I don't think many people will miss me."
That night sleep is a struggle, but I am so exhausted. If my brain would just pipe down for minute I could settle down. Thinking about my father is painful. As I dance over the edge of consciousness images flash before my eyes. I see the glint of the knife as it swings at me. I become over aware of the cuts now on my arms and face, I imagine them still feeling wet and dripping onto the wooden floor of my living room. The metallic scent still fills my nostrils. I see my father's face, conflict and tears running down it. I hear his sobs and his frustrated yells, I can hear him breaking all over again. His whispered apologies echo inside of my skull as I wait for sleep to claim me. I remember the fear that built up in my chest, and the rock in my throat that I couldn't swallow. My struggle was brief but strong. I wriggled as I was held down, shuffling away. I gripped onto the first thing I could; a crystal vase. Without thinking, I hit him on the head with it and he slammed onto the floor. He didn't get up. As I shook I held him, his head in my lap. I covered the wound with my sleeves. I called 911 and cried. His blood covered my hands. The colour red is the last definitive memory I have before hearing the sirens and losing consciousness. Unfortunately real sleep didn't follow as easily.
I run and heave into the toilet bowl, the only contents of my stomach being the tea and stomach acid. It burns my throat as it comes back up. I was left there dry retching for another half hour, now I'm truly exhausted. My hands gripped onto the rim of the bowl and I stared at them waiting for the next wave to come, but it didn't arrive. Underneath my finger nails there are remnants of scabbed blood, the dark brown colour repulses me. I feel ill again, but in a completely different way, it's more mental than physical. I hobble over to the sink and turn on the faucet. Scrubbing frantically, wanting the blood to disappear down the drain. At first I think it does, but of course it never really will disappear. What have I done? When I reach my bed again I collapse onto it, passing out from exhaustion. I need to get a grip. I'll be fine. Daddy has to be fine. Everything will go back to normal. I just have to survive school now. I both dread and anticipate Monday. I don't think I dreamt at all that night though.
