TITLE: "The Things Money Can Buy"

RATING: PG

DISCLAIMERS: I don't own 'em.

SPOILERS: Umm, through Season 4, I guess.

NOTES: This is in response to a 'Date Auction' challenge on the JDFF list, but it has some other pairings as well. :-)

**

"Josh, you have an hour and a half free over lunch, you haven't made any plans, have you?"

Josh looked up from his desk to find Donna standing in his doorway.

"Donna, if this is another attempt to get me to take you out for lunch, I'm sorry but I don't have time; I have a ton of stuff to read over." His tone held mild irritation and Donna's posture stiffened.

"Fine," she said, a little more harshly than she'd intended. "I'll tell Sam you can't meet him for lunch then." Her exit from the office was halted by Josh's voice.

"Sam? What are you talking about?"

"He's on the phone to see if you can meet him for lunch; I'll tell him you're too busy," Donna replied, almost baiting him with her tone. Josh fell straight into the trap.

"No, wait, I can meet Sam for lunch."

"You can?"

"Yeah, sure. I have an hour and a half, I can do that."

"So, you can spare the time to meet Sam for lunch but, you're too busy to take me out for lunch like a good boss would do once in a while?" she asked pointedly.

"Uh…no…uh…wait, if Sam's on the phone, why am I not talking directly to him?" Josh queried, deflecting Donna's question.

"I figured if you and Sam started talking now, you'd get distracted again and forget about whatever you're supposed to be working on at the moment, meaning you'd have to catch up on that over lunch and wouldn't be able to meet him," she answered, almost in one breath.

Josh stared at her for a second. "I wouldn't get distracted," he protested.

"Uh huh, sure," Donna humored. "Josh, what are you supposed to be working on right now?"

"Uh…" he hedged, scrabbling around on his desk looking for clues. Grabbing the first document that came to hand he held it up and smiled triumphantly at Donna. Noticing her smirk, he looked at the paper more closely. "Damn," he sighed, realizing he'd picked up a page from the draft of the new education bill, the one on which he had drawn cartoons on the back for half an hour that morning; he had held it up with the back facing Donna, hence her amusement.

"You don't get distracted, huh?"

"Tell Sam I'll meet him for lunch. He can name the place," Josh replied, ignoring Donna's chuckle.

"You know, I'm available over lunch as well, " Donna hinted.

"Not any more you're not," he replied.

"I'm not?" she questioned brightly, her spirits lifted.

"No, you'll now need to man the phones while I'm out," he smirked, watching her roll her eyes in exasperation. "However," he continued, "if you're extra nice to me, I might just bring you something back, you know, my leftovers."

"Go back to your doodling!" She stormed out of the office, not really mad, but determined to make a point. However, she knew she'd failed when she heard Josh's hearty laugh echoing around his office.

*

"No way!"

"Aww, come on, Josh, it'll be fun."

"No way, Sam," he repeated more firmly.

"Why not?" Sam practically whined.

"Sam, in case you've forgotten, I'm the White House DCoS."

"I know that, Josh; what's your point?"

"I can't be a contestant in a date auction."

"You mean, you *won't* be," Sam huffed.

"Sam," he sighed. "Look, the answer is no. I can't believe you thought I'd even consider this."

"Josh, it'll be fun," Sam persisted. "You might even get a date with the woman of your dreams."

Josh looked at him like he had grown two heads. "I seriously doubt that. Now, can we change the subject?"

"No, we can't, not until you agree to participate in the auction. Come on, Josh, it's in aid of a D.C. children's shelter."

Josh let out a long sigh. "Fine," he grudgingly agreed. "I'll participate, but only *participate*. I will go to the thing and I'll donate some money, but I won't be letting anyone bid on me and I won't be bidding on anyone."

"Josh –"

"No, Sam."

"Oh, okay, I understand," Sam smiled, puzzling Josh.

"You understand what?" Josh queried suspiciously.

"You're scared," he accused.

"I am *not* scared," Josh immediately defended. "Scared of what?"

"You're scared that no-one will bid on you."

"Right, like that's gonna happen," scoffed Josh. "I have my own fanclub remember."

"Okay, so, if you're not worried about *that*, what is it?"

"I'm not worried at all," Josh insisted. "I'm just not interested in being a piece of meat in your charity meat market."

"You're worried that I'll be bought for more than you," Sam grinned.

"Seriously, Sam, are you delusional? You must be if you think that could happen. As I said, I have my own fanclub, *and* I have a website devoted to me, complete with a section on fantasy dates with me; I'm sure people will be prepared to pay good money to make those fantasies come true."

"Yeah, except the fantasies won't come true." Josh raised his eyebrows in curiosity and Sam elaborated, "You're not exactly young anymore, Josh. I mean, have you actually *read* those posts? There's no way you'd be able to do some of the things they fantasize about."

"Okay, firstly, what the hell are *you* doing reading posts about people's fantasy dates with *me*?"

"Donna read them and told me," Sam replied immediately.

"Donna's read them?" Josh seemed surprised and he contemplated Sam's words for a few moments. "Anyway, what do you mean I wouldn't be able to fulfill the fantasies? Are you questioning my manhood?" During his rant, Josh's voice had grown considerably louder and they were now receiving stares from the other restaurant customers. Josh laughed a little when he realized how his words could be misinterpreted and he shot Sam a glare, as if to blame him.

"Will you do it?" Sam asked.

"Yes, but only because it's for a good cause; I don't need to prove anything."

"Sure, whatever," Sam smiled.

*

"Josh, do you know what time the thing starts on Saturday? Sam was supposed to call me when it was arranged but he hasn't and I can't get hold of him."

"What thing?"

"The charity date auction."

"*You're* going?" he asked with surprise.

"Yeah."

"Ah, you're going so you can bid on me, huh?" he grinned.

"You don't pay me enough to bid on you, Josh."

Josh smirked at her comment. "Does that mean you think the bidding will get pretty high for me?"

"No, it means that I'm not going to waste what little spare cash I have bidding for a date with *you*," Donna shot back.

"Hey! Well, if you're not going to bid on me, what are you going for? I swear Donna, if I end up with some old lady and you comment on it, you'll regret it."

"Actually, as appealing as that sounds," she grinned, "I'm going because I am also in the auction."

"Excuse me?" he queried incredulously.

"I'm in the auction," she repeated. "People will be bidding on me as well."

"They will?" His tone held a trace of worry and Donna smiled.

"Don't worry, Josh, I'm sure there won't be any gomers there; the tickets are pretty expensive, Sam's organized this well."

Josh didn't look convinced. "When did Sam arrange this with you?"

"He called me after he had lunch with you, he wanted to get you on board before he asked anyone else in the West Wing; I don't know why but, I think he wanted to be able to use your participation as a way of convincing everyone else."

"So, who else is taking part?"

"Will, Charlie, a few Congressmen and Senators, a couple of high profile restaurateurs and I think Sam managed to persuade a couple of single ballplayers from the Baltimore Orioles."

"All guys? Are you going to be the only female?" His worry was now clearly evident.

"No," she laughed. "CJ's taking part, so is a female member of Congress, along with Ginger and I think he got a few other women as well but, I'm not too sure of the details. There will be more guys than women, but what does it matter?"

"It matters," Josh muttered.

"Josh?"

"Hmm, oh, nothing. I think it starts at 8 on Saturday night, but we're supposed to be there an hour beforehand."

"Okay."

Donna started to leave his office and then Josh asked, "Do you want me to pick you up?"

"Huh?"

"To take you to the thing? It seems stupid taking two cars."

"Oh, yeah, I was gonna see if I could go with Ginger but, yeah, that would be good."

"Me taking you?" he clarified.

"Yeah, thanks," she smiled.

"No problem."

*

"Alright, is everybody clear on what's happening?" Sam asked the assembled 'contestants' backstage in the ballroom of the hotel hosting the charity auction. "Any questions?"

"Yeah," CJ said, "what's the order? Is it all the guys then the women?"

"No," Sam replied, "there are more guys though, so we're gonna have the first three guys, then alternate guy/girl until all the women are finished, then we'll have the remaining guys. Any more questions?"

"Yeah, when are you gonna be up for auction, Sam?" asked Donna.

"I'm third," he informed her.

"What about Josh?" CJ inquired.

"He's last."

"I'm last?" Josh questioned.

"Yeah, they say you should save the best until last, but I'm the MC so I can't really go last, therefore, you'll have to do" Sam grinned.

Josh narrowed his eyes at Sam and then whirled round to glare at a chuckling Donna.

*

"How did you get roped into this then?" Josh asked Will as they waited backstage.

"It's for charity, I couldn't really refuse."

"Sam questioned your manhood as well, huh?"

"Yeah."

"How 'bout you, Charlie? What made you agree?"

Charlie remained silent for a moment and then quipped, "Sam told me it would piss you off when I get higher bids than you."

"That won't happen," Josh said firmly.

"Now, now, boys, play nice," CJ laughed, overhearing their conversation.

*

"Okay guys, I'll see you later," Donna said, walking past Josh, Will and Charlie.

"Where are you going? You're not on yet."

"No, Josh, I'm not, but I need to be out there if I want to bid."

"Who are you going to bid on?" he asked. "I'm last remember."

"Sam."

"Sam?"

"Yeah."

"You're bidding on Sam?" he queried in disbelief.

"Of course I am; have you seen how good he looks in his tux?"

"Donna, are we going?" CJ asked, approaching the group, Ginger by her side.

"Please don't tell me you're bidding on Sam as well, CJ."

"Josh, that man can wear a tux."

"Just remember to save some money to bid on me."

"I thought you said you wouldn't need it, Josh," Donna stated.

"I don't, but that's not the point."

"Bye, Josh," laughed Donna, leaving him staring after her as she and CJ entered the ballroom. Josh followed them out, hoping that Donna would finally take off her coat; she'd been wearing it when he picked her up at her apartment and she hadn't yet taken it off, claiming it was too cold backstage. He knew that wasn't the real reason, he knew she was waiting until it was her turn to be auctioned before she would remove her coat but, he followed her into the ballroom anyway, hoping that it would be too warm in there for her to keep wearing it.

*

Sam had handed over to the temporary MC, Danny Concannon, and gone backstage to prepare for his entrance. The two previous men to be auctioned had raised $750 between them and Sam was determined to fetch more than that, if only to give Josh a run for his money.

"Alright, ladies and gentlemen…well, I guess just the ladies actually," Danny laughed, "this next guy is difficult to describe. He's a good guy, a nice guy, but not *too* nice, if you know what I mean." He let the statement hang for a moment as everyone chuckled. "Anyway, he's pretty young and I'm told he's very handsome and can wear a tux in a way that should be made illegal," he continued, staring pointedly at CJ. "He really needs no introduction…but, I'll give him one anyway. Ladies, here is Congressman…Sam…Seaborn!"

The majority of women in the audience had been eyeing Sam since the event started, as he made the introductory speech and acted as MC for the first two 'lots'. Now that he was coming up for auction himself there was much cheering and squeals of delight. Each person had been asked to choose a song that they wanted to walk down the catwalk to, and Sam had chosen Rod Stewart's 'Do Ya Think I'm Sexy'. He made the most of his entrance, removing his tux jacket and casually throwing it over his left shoulder. Catching Josh's eye, he strutted down the catwalk with a grin on his face, blushing slightly as he heard wolfwhistles, and then laughing out loud as CJ yelled "You're mine, Seaborn!"

Josh watched from the back of the room as the bidding on Sam started. It quickly reached $1000 and Josh gulped, knowing he'd never hear the end of it if Sam had a higher bid than he did. CJ and Donna had been involved in the bidding and Sam had actually had the gall to smirk at Josh when Donna bid $500; Josh gave him a pointed look and Sam started to look a little frightened. Sam was visibly relieved when Donna's bid was overtaken and she didn't participate further.

The bidding on Sam finally stopped at $3500, though Sam had no idea who had won as the woman's face was hidden behind her auction paddle. Josh, however, could see the woman clearly and he was grinning widely when he met Sam backstage.

"You're in for a treat, buddy," he gleefully informed Sam.

"You know who my date is?"

"Yep."

"Well, who is it?" Sam demanded.

"Uh, am I allowed to tell you?"

"Josh."

"No, I mean, aren't you supposed to go and meet them or something? Should I really tell you before that?"

"Josh, everyone else gets to meet their date as soon as they come offstage, I can't do that 'cos I have to go and MC again in about two minutes. Tell me who it is."

"Okay…it's Mallory."

"Ma…Mallory?" Sam spluttered.

"Yep. Mallory O'Brien, otherwise known as Leo McGarry's daughter."

"You're kidding me." Sam sagged against a table trying to take in the information.

"No, I'm not. She was at the back of the room, sitting at a table with a couple of people I don't know. As the bidding went on, she just motioned with her paddle and looked remarkably calm. I gotta say though, when Danny said that she'd won, she had a look of pure delight on her face."

"Mallory," Sam repeated. "Wow."

"Yeah. Now, aren't you supposed to be back out there?" Josh said, pointing towards the entrance to the 'stage'.

"Yeah, but…"

"Sam, she'll still be here when you're finished."

"Yeah." Sam slowly dragged himself towards the stage and took a moment to regain his composure before walking out and accepting the microphone from Danny.

"Okay, next up, we have the first of our ladies to be auctioned off this evening…"

*

There was much amusement as Charlie walked down the catwalk to the song 'The Boys Are Back In Town', showing off his dance moves along the way. There was a lot of interest in him, and some fierce bidding, and he was finally auctioned off for $1200 to a young college student. He approached her table and spent the rest of the evening getting to know her while waiting for his friends to be auctioned.

*

CJ's turn to be auctioned arrived and she took to the catwalk to the tune of 'Hot Stuff' by Donna Summer. Danny sat in the audience enraptured by her appearance and her saucy strides up and down the catwalk. When she finally stopped on the stage, Sam applauded wildly before he opened up the bidding.

As expected, Danny started the bidding on CJ, making an opening bid of $500. CJ rolled her eyes at him, but she couldn't stop the smile forming on her face. There was another serious bidder giving Danny competition, a player from the Baltimore Orioles who had been speaking to CJ backstage. His bank balance was much healthier than Danny's and he kept driving the price up. Sam was amazed when a bid of $4000 was made and Danny's shoulders slumped, as he had to concede defeat.

"Okay, for four thousand dollars, CJ Cregg is going, going –"

"Five thousand dollars!" a voice boomed, startling everyone. It wasn't Danny and all heads swiveled to get a look at the person making the bid. Neither CJ, Sam or Danny appeared to recognize the man and CJ wondered who he was and why he would raise the bid by so much.

"Uh, okay," Sam said slowly. "The bid is against you, sir," he said to the ballplayer; no further bid was forthcoming. "Alright then, for *five* thousand dollars, CJ Cregg goes to the man with paddle number 258. Thank you sir, and thank you, CJ."

CJ left the stage and, instead of going backstage, she headed for the table where Danny was sitting.

"Nice try, fish boy, but you gotta do better if you want a date with me," she said into his ear.

"You look fantastic," Danny replied, his face showing his disappointment.

"Thank you," she said sincerely. "Now, I gotta go meet my date." CJ walked in the direction of the man holding paddle number 258 but, as she approached, he headed for the men's room. She decided to wait for him and took a seat at his table.

*

The mysterious man with paddle number 258 still hadn't returned by the time the next male had been auctioned off and CJ started looking around for him. As she moved away from the table she felt a hand on her shoulder and she turned around, coming face to face with Danny.

"Hi," he smiled.

"Hi, sorry, I can't talk right now, I need to find my date."

"Do you know what he looks like?" Danny asked.

"Uh, not really," she admitted, "but he's carrying paddle number 258."

"Like this one?" he queried, holding up a paddle that had the number 258 displayed.

"What, did you mug him in the bathroom or something? Are you that desperate to get a date with me?" she smirked.

"No, I was given it; I guess the guy decided he didn't want to date you after all." CJ glared at him and Danny continued, "Actually, he was a dummy bidder."

"What do you mean?"

"He was asked to bid on behalf of someone else."

"You?" she asked incredulously.

"No, the press corps."

"What?" CJ was totally confused.

"The press corps had a whip round and raised enough money to ensure that I would win you at the auction; they knew I had a limit of $3500."

"And they donated $5000 between them? I find that hard to believe."

"So did I, but it's true. Apparently, they think you'll be nicer to them once you've been treated to a date with me."

"Actually, I'm gonna kick their asses."


Danny shrugged. "Hey, that's fine with me; either way, I get a date with you and you can't say no 'cos it's for charity."

"Fine," CJ grudgingly agreed. "But, I get to pick when and where."

"Uh, no, that's not the way it works; the person who won you gets to arrange the date."

"Not with this woman he doesn't and anyway, *you* didn't win me."

"Okay, we'll compromise." CJ raised her eyebrows and waited for him to explain. "You can pick the day and time but, I get to pick where. I'll pick you up from the White House and take you, okay?"

"You know I'm only doing this because it's for charity and it would be bad press if I pulled out, right?"

"Of course."

"As long as we're clear on that," CJ said, turning away before a smile crossed her face.

"Crystal," Danny said to ensure he got the last word. CJ didn't look back, she just kept walking and headed backstage to find Donna and Ginger.

*

"Did you meet your date?" Donna asked excitedly as CJ joined everyone backstage.

"Yes."

"So, who is it then? Who's the mystery man?" This time, it was Josh doing the questioning and CJ was amused at his interest.

"I don't know if I should tell you."

"Aww, come on, CJ. I just wanna wind Danny up about it."

"That will be difficult," she said cryptically.

"Why?" Josh asked, his brow furrowed.

"Because it *is* Danny."

"Huh? I thought he got beaten out?" Will queried.

"Yeah, but apparently the press corps hate me…they did a collective bid and *donated* me to Danny."

Josh couldn't help himself and burst out laughing, earning a swat on the arm from Donna.

"I'm sorry, CJ, I know you don't think it's funny but…it really is," Josh laughed. "You should be honored, I mean, you raised five thousand dollars tonight."

"Yes, but I have a feeling that I should have held out for *ten* thousand if I have to suffer a date with Danny."

"Oh, come on, CJ; we know you don't mean that," Donna said.

"I really do."

"She really doesn't," Josh whispered in Donna's ear.

"Will Bailey, you're up next," a voice called out, reminding them all of what was still to come.

"Good luck," Josh said, patting Will on the back.

"Have fun, Will, I'm sure you'll be fine," Donna chimed in.

"Hey, what music did you pick?" CJ called out as Will headed for the stage. He didn't answer her, but turned around and gave a sly smile. At that moment, the voice of Coldplay's Chris Martin could be heard over the speakers and Donna started to laugh.

"What? What is it?" Josh demanded, having no clue about the piece of music being played.

"It's Coldplay, the band," Donna enlightened.

"So? What's so funny?"

"The song's name…it's 'Politik'," she chuckled.

"Very apt," CJ laughed.

"It still doesn't beat mine," Josh stated.

"Why? What song have you chosen?" CJ questioned.

"He won't tell you, CJ. I've been trying to find out for days and he refused to tell me."

"I'll just go ask the guy in charge of the music then," CJ said, starting to walk away from them.

"There's no point, CJ; I have the cd in my pocket, he's not going to get it until I go onstage," Josh pointed out. "You'll both just have to wait."

"Damn. What about you, Donna, what have you chosen?"

"You'll find out soon enough, CJ; I'm on pretty soon."

*

Will's highest bid was $2000 and he left the stage feeling pretty good about himself. He headed into the audience to meet his bidder and discovered it was a friend of Mallory's, another teacher. Mallory informed him that she was the person who had the winning bid on Sam and Will decided to stay and keep the ladies company and watch the rest of the proceedings from there, while trying to get information from Mallory as to what she had planned for Sam.

*

End of Chapter 1…