Disclaimer: I don't own Blood Omen or any other LoK game! Pity.
This fic is a courtesy. Someone (I can't remember your name, dammit!) wanted this fic made, and thus, through my 'good will' (snickers can be heard in the background) I decided to make it. Man, this story is gonna suck!
Malek: (walks in, with a taser taped onto his pike, then shocks the author) Dumbass!
ARG!! Gabadigabad-gibodigiboda!!!!!!! OW! You jerk! Alright, this fic is gonna... get more than two reviews, unlike my Paladin one (someone, and I mean anyone, review it) On to the show.
Malek: (tases him again)
DAMN!!! Fic! Onto the fic!
Blood Omen: The Legacy of Chibi Kain
[5 centuries ago]
Six Guardians are watching Nosgothic Friends (I think I'll make that a fic, too) until...
THUMP
Guardian 1: What the hell was that?
Vorador's Voice: How the hell do you get in there?!
Guardian 2: You have to pull it open, sir!
Vorador: (pulls the door open with all his strength, unfortunately it bounces off the wall and smacks him off his feet, and he rolls all the way into the basin in the center of the room) I'm okay!
Guardian 1: Cool!
Guardian 5: What do you want?
Vorador: (raises shakily to his feet) To avenge my... my... damn! I forgot!
Guardian 6: (walks over and slaps his)
Vorador: OW! (Remembers) Wait, I'm here to avenge my dad, Janos! Thanks man!
Guardian 6: Well I am the Pillar of the Mind!
Guardian 4: (with head phones on, listening , and dancing, to Brittany Spears, then finally notices Vorador) Oh my God! (Throws off the head phones) Its you!
Vorador: Oh God! A Pillar Guardian's one of my fangirls!
Fangirl Guardian: Oh my God, it's the Vampire Vorador, a.k.a. the pimp daddy of Termogent! You are so my hero! (Runs up and hugs Vorador)
Vorador: I hate it when this happens.
With Raziel
Malek: Lord Moebius, there is trouble within! Vorador's stealing my girlfriend!
Moebius: Deal with it!
Raziel: You, a girlfriend?! HAHAHAHA!! You must be drunk or something!
Moebius: What my Malek-Walek does is none of your business!
Malek: Ex ne on the Malek-Walek!
Moebius: You bitch! I knew you never loved me! (Runs out of the room and bolts the door)
Malek: Oh man, Mortanius is gonna have my ass for this!
Raziel: (mocking) And not in the way you want, right?
Malek: (gets an idea) Time to see how hard that head of yours is.
Raziel: Huh?
Malek: (points behind Raziel) Look, Ariel!
Raziel: (swings around) Where?!
Malek: Sucker! (Grabs Raz and uses his head as a battering ram)
Raziel: OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!! Ouchies, m'kay?
Back with Vorador
Vorador: And them I kicked him up the butt, and he fell right out of the retreat!!
All the Guardians: (insane amounts of laughter)
Fangirl Guardian: Your dad sounded like such a nice guy...
Vorador: Yeah, he let me drink a drunk man's blood when I was only 129!
All Guardians: (no idea if that's young or not, then give out all sorts of 'that's awesome' crap)
Vorador: Yeah.
The sound of a door breaking down is heard, and Malek yelling.
Malek: Trina, you keep your hands out of his pants, you hear me!
Fangirl Guardian: Jerk.
Guardian 3: How about, to commemorate such a great Vampire, we all do suicide?
All Guardians: Yeah!
Vorador: It's really not necessary.
Fangirl Guardian: This is for you, and your daddy! (Drowns herself in the basin)
Vorador: 0.0? That girl was crazy!
Malek: (trying to kick the door down) What the hell?
Guardian 1: I'm so sorry for you! (Flays himself)
Vorador: God, nasty!
Guardian 2: Goodbye, cruel world! (Stabs herself)
Guardian 3: Die, bastard that I am! (Tears his own throat out) Jesus, that does hurt! (Dies)
Vorador: You people are so nice! (Eyes tear up) God, this hurts my eyes so damn bad, but it's so sweet!
Guardian 5: Vae Victus! (Bends down, steps back, then runs at full speed into the wall, and bounces off) Ow! I'm still alive, but I just hurt a lot!
Malek: Dammit, someone open this door! (Kicks it) OW!
Guardian 6: (to Guardian 5) Here. Let me help you. Spirit Death! (Nothing happens) Well I'll be damned! Try this! (Picks up a chunk of Guardian 1 and runs him through with it)
Guardian 5: (in A LOT of pain) Thank you! (Dies)
Guardian 6: (to Vorador) Hold this. (Tears out his heart and hands it to him)
Vorador: Alright, but how are you going to kill yourself?
Guardian 6: Like this! (Drops dead on the spot)
Vorador: Huh, I just got six members of the Circle to kill themselves.
With Raziel
S. Raziel: He was really that nice?
Raziel: (sad) Yeah.
S. Raziel: What have I done?! (runs himself through)
Raziel: Huh, I just got six Sarafan generals to kill themselves.
Back with Vorador
Malek: Is there a trick to this door or something?
Vorador: I had trouble with it too, you have to pull it open.
Malek: Ah. (Pulls it open) Die Vampire. (Stares at Vorador)
Vorador: To hell with you, Sarafan! (Stares at Malek)
Both: 1-2-3 I declare a thumb war! (Start to thumb wrestle)
Vorador: I'll thumb you so good..!
Malek: Not if I thumb you first..!
Mortanius: (walks in) What the hell are you two doing?
Both: (hide their hands behind their backs, still wrestling) Nothing.
Mortanius: You didn't do anything, huh?!
Both: (still thumb wrestling) Uh-huh...
Mortanius: Then why the HELL did Moebius just g running down the hallway yelling: "I wanna be someone's bitch"?!
Malek: (pins Vorador down for 10secs) HA! (Pulls their hands in front of Vorador)
Vorador: (clocks Malek with his hilt) (To Mortanius) Bye-bye! (Teleports out)
Mortanius: (sighs and looks down at Malek)
Malek: First my girlfriend does suicide, then I get clocked in the head.
With Raziel and Kain
Kain: (sighs angrily, looking at the Soul Reaver, which just devoured Raz) First he get's drunk and falls into the abyss, and now this. (Shifty eye thing to make sure no ones looking, then scoops up the Reaver and hugs it) I love you!
In Avernus Cathedral
Mortanius: Malek of the Sarafan, for failing your duties to protect and prevent the Circle from dying or committing suicide-
Moebius: Ahen.
Mortanius: -and breaking Moe's heart, you are hereby damned! (About to strike the hammer down)
Malek: Wait!
Mortanus: (sighs) What is it, damned one?
Malek: Do I get a last request?
Mortanius: (thinking about it) No.
Malek: Crap.
Mortanius: (strikes the hammer down)
Malek: Crud! (He gets damned into the armor)
Moebius: I hope this doesn't change anything between us?
Malek: From now on, this spear is for killing Vampires, and NOTHING else!
Moebius: NO!!!!!
[present day]
Kain: (standing a proud 6'5) What 'ya mean I've had enough to drink? I won the Worlds Sexiest Pillar Guardian That Will Become a Vampire Award!
Barkeep: You know damn well you had too much to drink!
Kain: What are you smoking? I'm still conscious, ya butthole! You and your 11 clones standing beside 'ya!
Barkeep: (looks around, and sees there's actually 11 clones around him) What did I tell you? You hide in he barrel of whiskey 'till you're a skeleton!
11Clones: Sorry sir... (one by one jump back into the whiskey barrels and close them)
Kain: On second thought, I've had enough to drink.
Silence
Kain: One more, please!
Barkeep: NO!
Kain: I'm from Coorhagen I can pay you thirty-five cents!
Barkeep: The cost of a beer is $4,00 you jerkhole!
Kain: I ain't gonna pay four bucks for a damn watered down dead guys bodily fluids! I'm outta here!
Kain V.O.: And so I was forced onto the road, and the long night ahead, cold of heart and soul.
Kain: That ain't what I said!
Kain V.O.: Deal with it.
Outside
Brigand: There he is! (Points to an old lady) Kick his ass!
Old Lady: You lousy hitman!
Random Brigand: Die! (Tries to punch her)
Old Lady: (catches his arm, breaks it, them pulls off some ninja moves on him) Hiya!
[Kung-fu fighting theme song]
Kain: Whoa!
Brigand: Take this! (Tries to stab her)
Old Lady: (pulls out nunchucku and blocks the sword)
Brigand: Oh crap!
Old Lady: Watch your mouth around the elderly! (Lays the smack down on him)
Other Brigand: Die Lady! (Tries to cut her head off)
Old Lady: (ducks and nunchucku's his balls 8 times) Hoowa!
Other Brigand 2: Try this! (Tries to cut her in half)
The camera focuses on Kain's face, with his jaw dropped, and the sound of fighting in the background for a few seconds.
Brigand 847(last one): Die! (Tries to stab her)
Old Lady: Hyahwhalalahaha! (Smacks him per syllable)
Last Brigand: Oof! (Drops like a ton of stones)
Kain: Nice moves mam! (Pat's her on the shoulder)
Old Lady: Rapist! (Kick's Kain in the nuts)
Kain: (really high pitched) Eeek! (Drops onto his hands and knees)
Old Lady: (picks up a sword) Die! (Guess what?)
Kain: (does his death cry)
In the Underworld
Kain Voice Over: Vae Victus; suffering to be conquered. Funny how it was I who was suffering. It was beyond physical pain; a jab of impotent rage- the lust for vengeance!
Kain: No physical suffering? Look down.
Voice Over: Okay. (Silence for moment, then-) Oh my God! There's a sword in our chest!!
Kain: Yup, all the way through.
Voice Over: I was plucked from the brink of oblivion by the Necromancer Mortanius-
Camera zooms in on Morty, and cheering is heard.
Voice Over:- who offered me a chance for revenge.
Kain: An if we refuse?
Voice Over: We were to claim Moebius as our bitch.
Camera zooms in on Moebius, in the distance. He's doing that gay wave thing were you fan all five fingers in a rhythmic pattern
Kain: Accept! I accept! I'll take the revenge!!
Mortanius: Alright then, just hold still. (Starts pulling the sword out, but it gets caught halfway through) Wow, she really jammed it in good!
Kain: Just pull the damn sword out.
Mortanius: (after several tries, and in several positions, manages to pull it out) There we are!
Kain: Just a little lower... there! Ahh... bliss.
Little demon: (scratching Kain's back) Here you go, sir.
Mortanius: Kain?
Kain: Yeah? Ooh, that's good!
Mortanius: You should be in pain! I just pulled a damn Iron Sword out of your back!
Kain: Still drunk, can't feel pain.
Mortanius: Well you outta start respecting me!
Kain: Make me, there's nothing you can do, I'm the main character!
Mortanius: (magically releases his bonds, then kicks the little demon into the lava)
Little Demon: Crud! (Burns to a crisp)
Kain: Hey, I was enjoying that!
Mortanius: (offers him the sword with an evil smile) Want this?
Kain: Yeah, thanks! What?! (gets bathed in an evil light)
Mortanius: (camera zooms on him) You shall have the blood you hunger for!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!
Kain's Mausoleum
Voice Over: I awoke to the pains of a new world. And was exactly 1/8 my normal size.
Kain: What the hell?! (a note falls from the roof and lands beside him) Lets see. (Picks it up and reads it out loud) For showing me no respect, I have transformed you into a Vampire smurf. You suck
-Mortanius
PS- Moebius sends his love.
Kain: Son of a (takes a deep breath) B*******************H!!!
Janos' Retreat
Janos: Whoa! That potty mouth was loud enough to wake the dead! Wait a second... I'M ALIVE!! HUZAH! (The roof collapses on him, and only hand is protruding, holding a note that says: I'm dead. Crap.
End
Author's Note: Ha! I lived through the madness! (Is in a stretcher) Though I did piss Malek off quite a bit. Review me please, so the madness may continue!
Paramedic: Do you think you'll need the breather?
Seph0201: Yes. (Gets one on his face, making his neck cast stick out, and gives a thumbs up)
This fic is a courtesy. Someone (I can't remember your name, dammit!) wanted this fic made, and thus, through my 'good will' (snickers can be heard in the background) I decided to make it. Man, this story is gonna suck!
Malek: (walks in, with a taser taped onto his pike, then shocks the author) Dumbass!
ARG!! Gabadigabad-gibodigiboda!!!!!!! OW! You jerk! Alright, this fic is gonna... get more than two reviews, unlike my Paladin one (someone, and I mean anyone, review it) On to the show.
Malek: (tases him again)
DAMN!!! Fic! Onto the fic!
Blood Omen: The Legacy of Chibi Kain
[5 centuries ago]
Six Guardians are watching Nosgothic Friends (I think I'll make that a fic, too) until...
THUMP
Guardian 1: What the hell was that?
Vorador's Voice: How the hell do you get in there?!
Guardian 2: You have to pull it open, sir!
Vorador: (pulls the door open with all his strength, unfortunately it bounces off the wall and smacks him off his feet, and he rolls all the way into the basin in the center of the room) I'm okay!
Guardian 1: Cool!
Guardian 5: What do you want?
Vorador: (raises shakily to his feet) To avenge my... my... damn! I forgot!
Guardian 6: (walks over and slaps his)
Vorador: OW! (Remembers) Wait, I'm here to avenge my dad, Janos! Thanks man!
Guardian 6: Well I am the Pillar of the Mind!
Guardian 4: (with head phones on, listening , and dancing, to Brittany Spears, then finally notices Vorador) Oh my God! (Throws off the head phones) Its you!
Vorador: Oh God! A Pillar Guardian's one of my fangirls!
Fangirl Guardian: Oh my God, it's the Vampire Vorador, a.k.a. the pimp daddy of Termogent! You are so my hero! (Runs up and hugs Vorador)
Vorador: I hate it when this happens.
With Raziel
Malek: Lord Moebius, there is trouble within! Vorador's stealing my girlfriend!
Moebius: Deal with it!
Raziel: You, a girlfriend?! HAHAHAHA!! You must be drunk or something!
Moebius: What my Malek-Walek does is none of your business!
Malek: Ex ne on the Malek-Walek!
Moebius: You bitch! I knew you never loved me! (Runs out of the room and bolts the door)
Malek: Oh man, Mortanius is gonna have my ass for this!
Raziel: (mocking) And not in the way you want, right?
Malek: (gets an idea) Time to see how hard that head of yours is.
Raziel: Huh?
Malek: (points behind Raziel) Look, Ariel!
Raziel: (swings around) Where?!
Malek: Sucker! (Grabs Raz and uses his head as a battering ram)
Raziel: OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!! Ouchies, m'kay?
Back with Vorador
Vorador: And them I kicked him up the butt, and he fell right out of the retreat!!
All the Guardians: (insane amounts of laughter)
Fangirl Guardian: Your dad sounded like such a nice guy...
Vorador: Yeah, he let me drink a drunk man's blood when I was only 129!
All Guardians: (no idea if that's young or not, then give out all sorts of 'that's awesome' crap)
Vorador: Yeah.
The sound of a door breaking down is heard, and Malek yelling.
Malek: Trina, you keep your hands out of his pants, you hear me!
Fangirl Guardian: Jerk.
Guardian 3: How about, to commemorate such a great Vampire, we all do suicide?
All Guardians: Yeah!
Vorador: It's really not necessary.
Fangirl Guardian: This is for you, and your daddy! (Drowns herself in the basin)
Vorador: 0.0? That girl was crazy!
Malek: (trying to kick the door down) What the hell?
Guardian 1: I'm so sorry for you! (Flays himself)
Vorador: God, nasty!
Guardian 2: Goodbye, cruel world! (Stabs herself)
Guardian 3: Die, bastard that I am! (Tears his own throat out) Jesus, that does hurt! (Dies)
Vorador: You people are so nice! (Eyes tear up) God, this hurts my eyes so damn bad, but it's so sweet!
Guardian 5: Vae Victus! (Bends down, steps back, then runs at full speed into the wall, and bounces off) Ow! I'm still alive, but I just hurt a lot!
Malek: Dammit, someone open this door! (Kicks it) OW!
Guardian 6: (to Guardian 5) Here. Let me help you. Spirit Death! (Nothing happens) Well I'll be damned! Try this! (Picks up a chunk of Guardian 1 and runs him through with it)
Guardian 5: (in A LOT of pain) Thank you! (Dies)
Guardian 6: (to Vorador) Hold this. (Tears out his heart and hands it to him)
Vorador: Alright, but how are you going to kill yourself?
Guardian 6: Like this! (Drops dead on the spot)
Vorador: Huh, I just got six members of the Circle to kill themselves.
With Raziel
S. Raziel: He was really that nice?
Raziel: (sad) Yeah.
S. Raziel: What have I done?! (runs himself through)
Raziel: Huh, I just got six Sarafan generals to kill themselves.
Back with Vorador
Malek: Is there a trick to this door or something?
Vorador: I had trouble with it too, you have to pull it open.
Malek: Ah. (Pulls it open) Die Vampire. (Stares at Vorador)
Vorador: To hell with you, Sarafan! (Stares at Malek)
Both: 1-2-3 I declare a thumb war! (Start to thumb wrestle)
Vorador: I'll thumb you so good..!
Malek: Not if I thumb you first..!
Mortanius: (walks in) What the hell are you two doing?
Both: (hide their hands behind their backs, still wrestling) Nothing.
Mortanius: You didn't do anything, huh?!
Both: (still thumb wrestling) Uh-huh...
Mortanius: Then why the HELL did Moebius just g running down the hallway yelling: "I wanna be someone's bitch"?!
Malek: (pins Vorador down for 10secs) HA! (Pulls their hands in front of Vorador)
Vorador: (clocks Malek with his hilt) (To Mortanius) Bye-bye! (Teleports out)
Mortanius: (sighs and looks down at Malek)
Malek: First my girlfriend does suicide, then I get clocked in the head.
With Raziel and Kain
Kain: (sighs angrily, looking at the Soul Reaver, which just devoured Raz) First he get's drunk and falls into the abyss, and now this. (Shifty eye thing to make sure no ones looking, then scoops up the Reaver and hugs it) I love you!
In Avernus Cathedral
Mortanius: Malek of the Sarafan, for failing your duties to protect and prevent the Circle from dying or committing suicide-
Moebius: Ahen.
Mortanius: -and breaking Moe's heart, you are hereby damned! (About to strike the hammer down)
Malek: Wait!
Mortanus: (sighs) What is it, damned one?
Malek: Do I get a last request?
Mortanius: (thinking about it) No.
Malek: Crap.
Mortanius: (strikes the hammer down)
Malek: Crud! (He gets damned into the armor)
Moebius: I hope this doesn't change anything between us?
Malek: From now on, this spear is for killing Vampires, and NOTHING else!
Moebius: NO!!!!!
[present day]
Kain: (standing a proud 6'5) What 'ya mean I've had enough to drink? I won the Worlds Sexiest Pillar Guardian That Will Become a Vampire Award!
Barkeep: You know damn well you had too much to drink!
Kain: What are you smoking? I'm still conscious, ya butthole! You and your 11 clones standing beside 'ya!
Barkeep: (looks around, and sees there's actually 11 clones around him) What did I tell you? You hide in he barrel of whiskey 'till you're a skeleton!
11Clones: Sorry sir... (one by one jump back into the whiskey barrels and close them)
Kain: On second thought, I've had enough to drink.
Silence
Kain: One more, please!
Barkeep: NO!
Kain: I'm from Coorhagen I can pay you thirty-five cents!
Barkeep: The cost of a beer is $4,00 you jerkhole!
Kain: I ain't gonna pay four bucks for a damn watered down dead guys bodily fluids! I'm outta here!
Kain V.O.: And so I was forced onto the road, and the long night ahead, cold of heart and soul.
Kain: That ain't what I said!
Kain V.O.: Deal with it.
Outside
Brigand: There he is! (Points to an old lady) Kick his ass!
Old Lady: You lousy hitman!
Random Brigand: Die! (Tries to punch her)
Old Lady: (catches his arm, breaks it, them pulls off some ninja moves on him) Hiya!
[Kung-fu fighting theme song]
Kain: Whoa!
Brigand: Take this! (Tries to stab her)
Old Lady: (pulls out nunchucku and blocks the sword)
Brigand: Oh crap!
Old Lady: Watch your mouth around the elderly! (Lays the smack down on him)
Other Brigand: Die Lady! (Tries to cut her head off)
Old Lady: (ducks and nunchucku's his balls 8 times) Hoowa!
Other Brigand 2: Try this! (Tries to cut her in half)
The camera focuses on Kain's face, with his jaw dropped, and the sound of fighting in the background for a few seconds.
Brigand 847(last one): Die! (Tries to stab her)
Old Lady: Hyahwhalalahaha! (Smacks him per syllable)
Last Brigand: Oof! (Drops like a ton of stones)
Kain: Nice moves mam! (Pat's her on the shoulder)
Old Lady: Rapist! (Kick's Kain in the nuts)
Kain: (really high pitched) Eeek! (Drops onto his hands and knees)
Old Lady: (picks up a sword) Die! (Guess what?)
Kain: (does his death cry)
In the Underworld
Kain Voice Over: Vae Victus; suffering to be conquered. Funny how it was I who was suffering. It was beyond physical pain; a jab of impotent rage- the lust for vengeance!
Kain: No physical suffering? Look down.
Voice Over: Okay. (Silence for moment, then-) Oh my God! There's a sword in our chest!!
Kain: Yup, all the way through.
Voice Over: I was plucked from the brink of oblivion by the Necromancer Mortanius-
Camera zooms in on Morty, and cheering is heard.
Voice Over:- who offered me a chance for revenge.
Kain: An if we refuse?
Voice Over: We were to claim Moebius as our bitch.
Camera zooms in on Moebius, in the distance. He's doing that gay wave thing were you fan all five fingers in a rhythmic pattern
Kain: Accept! I accept! I'll take the revenge!!
Mortanius: Alright then, just hold still. (Starts pulling the sword out, but it gets caught halfway through) Wow, she really jammed it in good!
Kain: Just pull the damn sword out.
Mortanius: (after several tries, and in several positions, manages to pull it out) There we are!
Kain: Just a little lower... there! Ahh... bliss.
Little demon: (scratching Kain's back) Here you go, sir.
Mortanius: Kain?
Kain: Yeah? Ooh, that's good!
Mortanius: You should be in pain! I just pulled a damn Iron Sword out of your back!
Kain: Still drunk, can't feel pain.
Mortanius: Well you outta start respecting me!
Kain: Make me, there's nothing you can do, I'm the main character!
Mortanius: (magically releases his bonds, then kicks the little demon into the lava)
Little Demon: Crud! (Burns to a crisp)
Kain: Hey, I was enjoying that!
Mortanius: (offers him the sword with an evil smile) Want this?
Kain: Yeah, thanks! What?! (gets bathed in an evil light)
Mortanius: (camera zooms on him) You shall have the blood you hunger for!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!
Kain's Mausoleum
Voice Over: I awoke to the pains of a new world. And was exactly 1/8 my normal size.
Kain: What the hell?! (a note falls from the roof and lands beside him) Lets see. (Picks it up and reads it out loud) For showing me no respect, I have transformed you into a Vampire smurf. You suck
-Mortanius
PS- Moebius sends his love.
Kain: Son of a (takes a deep breath) B*******************H!!!
Janos' Retreat
Janos: Whoa! That potty mouth was loud enough to wake the dead! Wait a second... I'M ALIVE!! HUZAH! (The roof collapses on him, and only hand is protruding, holding a note that says: I'm dead. Crap.
End
Author's Note: Ha! I lived through the madness! (Is in a stretcher) Though I did piss Malek off quite a bit. Review me please, so the madness may continue!
Paramedic: Do you think you'll need the breather?
Seph0201: Yes. (Gets one on his face, making his neck cast stick out, and gives a thumbs up)
