Notes:

Hi! So this is my first time writing fanfiction in a really long time and I'm rather rusty! This is series of Levi x Erwin drabbles/oneshots that I'm working on, I will update as long as people like it ^_^ There will be spoilers for non-manga readers so please read with caution!

MAJOR SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE MANGA (up to chap 84/85). Procced with caution!

Levi's thoughts after Erwin's untimely death. An open letter.


The End

Life and death, we don't get to choose how it works. You live, then you die. That was how humanity worked. Typically, you cannot save someone from imminent death. You mourn their passing and move on. That is how life works, doesn't it? But what if we do have that choice? Funny, isn't it? Humans don't think about that dilemma because we don't need to. You can't bring someone back from the dead and that's just that. Well, that was the common theory before. Then everything turned to shit because us humans had an awful lot to learn. Having the power right there in your hands is a terrifying thought. I thought I would not have to decide between two humans, on who would life and who would die. I am not God. I didn't give it much thought when you entrusted it to me.

It felt heavy in my hands when the time came. A burnt body, laid in front of my eyes. Those two pleading for their friend's life and I had to it. Honestly, I thought you were dead. Then he dragged your half-mangled body up onto the roof.

He's still breathing.

Those words echoed and wouldn't leave my thoughts. I had to do something. I had that power, to bring the commander back from certain death. It was there, right in my grasp, but I couldn't. By God, I wanted to, but those soldiers were not backing down. They were just soldiers, they were merely children, so young and eager.

We have to see the sea.

Their hope hadn't died like my had. I had to make a choice, mine and mine alone. I didn't have time to think it through. It took only a second then it was over.

You had stopped breathing.

Gone forever, if only you had listened to me when I told you not to go. It was indeed a suicide mission, you gave your life for humanity's cause. You were a true commander to the end, it pains me still. I would break your legs over and over again just to have you back. You were too stubborn, to a fault, but I wouldn't change that for the world. You were one of the first people I have ever trusted in my life and I can't bring you back.

I have lost so many comrades over the years, some mere acquaintances, others close friends. Not one death was easy to deal with, I had to keep on going. I am a Captain, that is my duty. I am a leader but I will never live up to you, Commander Erwin Smith.

You weren't just a mere comrade to me, you were so much more than that. I recall every conversation we had, on those nights I just couldn't sleep. You would stay up with me, tell me the story of your life. I'd roll my eyes, pretend not to listen. I'd heard the story so many times but I didn't tire of it. It was more than just friendship, yet I couldn't explain it back then. I was naïve, perhaps. You would tell me all the time and I would roll my eyes. I wasn't like you. I was cold, guarded. It was how I was raised, I had to learn how to fight and that was that. I didn't stop to think that I would end up alone and hate every second of it.

With you gone, I feel more empty than usual. Humanity is not safe; our enemies are more unclear than we first thought. If only you were here…

I had the chance, to save you. It will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I went through life with no regrets except just one;

I wish I had told you how I felt. If only I had the courage to tell you that I loved you, before I lost you forever. And that I will take to my grave.