Disclaimer: I do not own Btvs or Atvs.  So do not assume otherwise.

A/N: This is a little something that I came up with while trying to fight another bout of Insomnia.  Please do not be too harsh me.  I wrote it at 5 in the morning so it might not be some of my best work.

Timeline: After "Entropy" on Btvs.

A/N2: Depending on the response and on the number of reviews I might write another chapter.

Anyway enjoy:

Remembering the past

             I look at the clock and it's only three in the morning.  I feel empty tonight, like almost any other night.  If I could just close my eyes and not think or dream.  I would love that.  How many nights have I laid awake in my bed? Two weeks.  I has been two weeks since I walked out of Spike's crypt. Since I told him that I did not love him and that I was using him.  Part of me is wondering why I am torturing myself so much.  I could just get of my bed, put on some clothes and go to him.  HE would comfort me.  HE would hold everything and 'me' would go away till morning. 

            "NO Buffy, you can't do that." I say to myself.  I can't go on using him.  I will hate myself if I don't stop.  "But don't you already hate yourself?" I hear myself reply.

            I wonder how long I will be able to continue to have this conversation's with myself.  I sit on my bed.  I know I am not going to sleep tonight.  I look around my room.  There are not that many things that have changed in this place.  Not since I moved in to Sunnydale.  The Hellmouth. 

            I brush the thought away.  I don't want to think about being the Slayer tonight.  I just want to think about me, Buffy.  NO demons, no stakes and definitely, no vampires.  I get up and walk to my dresser.  I open the first drawer to the right and take out a flower-covered book.  My diary.  I have not written in it in a while.  I can't remember the last time I picked it up. I look in the drawer again for a pen and than I see it.

             I pick up the little black box and my eyes widen.  I pick it up and stare at it.  I notice that my hands are shaking.  " What is wrong with me, it's just a box," I whisper to myself.  "Yeah right " answers a little voice inside of me.  I open it and hold my breath.  There, on a gray velvet bed, lies a silver cross on a silver chain.  " Angel," I whisper softly.  I hear a soft whimper and I am startled.  I did that.  I close the box and shove it back in the drawer.  I don't want to think about him.  I have moved on. " Have you really?" Asks a little voice inside of me.  But I don't answer.  Why bother? Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

            I so did not want to think about him.  Thinking about him only brought pain and sorrow.  There was no joy in thinking about the past.  About events that I could not change even if   I could.  I had seen him only once since I had been back from the dead.  Back form heaven.  He had been happy to see me alive, ask me if   I was okay.    We had talk about everything and nothing avoiding talking about how   I had returned.  He had not even said anything about missing   me. I had not mentioned that I came from heaven.  I had been haggard and he had been distant. 

            " I guess we are different people now." I moved back to my bed holding my diary in one hand and a pen in another.  Maybe writing might clear my head.  I open my diary, ready to write.  I drop it as if the pages had burned my fingers.  On the page I had open I had doodled a long time ago "Buffy and Angel forever" over and over.  I close my eyes trying to will myself not to think about him.  I had enough problems as it is.  I could not let old sorrows creep up in my heart.  Why rehash the past.   As I hugged myself I knew it was too late.  My thoughts were taking me back down on memory lane.  All I could do know was brace myself; it would be a bumpy road.  

            I was hearing the things that were said between us:

 Buffy: "Angel, do you snore?"
Angel: "I don't know. It's been a long time since anyone's been in a position to
let me know."

  This brings a slight smile to my face as I look to the floor of my room.  I thought of how happy I had been when he had uttered those words. 

Buffy: "I invited you into my home, and you attacked my family."
Angel: "Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends and their friends' children for
a hundred years. I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song
in my heart."

I can't help the whimper that comes. It had hurt to hear those words, as much as the pain I had seen on his face.  The images just fly underneath the screen of my closed eyelids.

Angel: "I want to take comfort in you, and I know it will cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care."
Angel: "It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man."
Buffy: "What about me? I love you so much. And I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it!"
Buffy: "I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. I can't."
Buffy: "Strong is fighting. It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do."
Buffy: "But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn."

" No, make it stop please" I whisper to myself bringing my legs towards my chest.  But they were still coming.

 Buffy: "I want my life to be with you."
Angel: "I don't."
Buffy: "You don't want to be with me?"

            I can barely breath as I remember these words.

Spike: "You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, its blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."

            Spike had been right.  Angel and I had grown apart and we had wanted to be friends but it never seemed to work out.  I had fought him, said hurtful words to him. He had tried to be there for me always.  I wanted the memories to stop.  "Angel" I whispered again.  Why had I not thought about you before? Why are you hunting my thoughts? Why now?

            I wish I could find answers to these questions, but part of me knows already.  I miss him.  I look up the clock and it almost five in the morning now.  "The sun will rise soon," I think.  I pick up the phone. Could I call him? "And say what Buffy?"  Said the voice in my head.  I could tell him I missed him and that I was sorry for all the hurt that I had caused him and that I wanted us to talk to one another, try to be in each others life one way or another.  I am not delusional; I know that what we had is gone.  He is a different person and I am not the same either.  But part of me can't help the need to hold on and to lean on him.  I had been with other people but I had never confided in them the way I had with Angel.  " He helps save souls, your soul needs salvaging right now doesn't it?"

            I pick up the phone again, ready to dial.  Fear stops me.  What if he is disgusted with me? What if I can't tell him anything? What if he has changed too much and doesn't even care?  "Don't you still care about him?" whisper that little annoying voice in my head.  This is it I am dialing.  I will call.  I am calling.  The phone rings.  One, two, three, as the rings go by, my heart sinks into despair.

            "Hello" Comes a muffle voice that startles me.  I had not expected anyone to answer after all those rings.  It takes me a few seconds to find my voice and I exhale more than I say:

            "Angel"

            "Buffy!"  I hear recognition, surprise.

            "Buffy …I …" Angel is at lost for words, which is not knew for me.  I open my mouth ready to unburden my soul, when I realize something.  He sounds in pain. 

            "Angel …Are you all right?" Than I hear a sob coming from the line and I feel my heart break.  "I am on my way."

            "Buffy… don't, " He whispers.  My mind is made up though.  I have to go and help.

            " Angel I will be there in lest that two hours." I don't even wait for his answer and hang up.  I get off my bed. I run to my closet and put on a pair of jeans and a black shirt.  I run nervous fingers through my hair, glad that I had cut it so short.  I pick up a small bag and stuff some clothes in there.  I go to Dawns room and gently shake my little sister awake.  She turns and looks at me dazed from her night sleep.

            "Buffy…what is going on?" she takes in my outfit and sits up, suddenly awake.

            " I have to go …help a friend. I am going to be gone for the day and I wanted to let you know?" I can tell by the look she is giving me that she is hurt.  I know she feels that I do not want to be around her or that I want to be here. I feel guilty about that because up until a few days ago, I did not want to be here.

 I could tell her that I am going to see Angel.  That he needs me but I think it better than to day that.  I kiss her forehead and tell her to go back to sleep. 

            My next stop is Willows room.  What use to be my mothers room.  I gently wake her up and tell her about the same thing I told Dawn and ask her to call the Double Meat Palace and tell them that I am sick with something and that I can't come in.  She gives me a puzzle look but doesn't ask me to tell her where I am going and what friend? She just nods and gives me that soft willowy smile.

            I have stalled enough I believe and go down the stairs.  I go to the garage and take out my mother's jeep.  I haven't driven it in a while.  I usually avoided using it but I could not wait at the Bus station, I had to go now, Angel needed me.

What do you think? Should I write more or just give up???? Let me know!