THE FICTIONAL DIARIES or MY LIFE IN LA-LA LAND
Life has these moments when you've got to hit "pause" for some introspection. My mom says not to take them too seriously, because you could end up being a nervous, nail-biting wreck wondering whether anything you've done has been Valuable to Society and Toward your Self-Growth. Like last week, when my best friend Lilly Moscowitz wrote a thirteen-page essay for Mrs. Spears about the way her life would have unfolded if she'd chosen to play the violin, or something, instead of playing the trumpet in band (something, by the way, that she gave up in seventh grade). She said it really made her think about Decisions.
But it's not like anything I've ever scrutinized myself for was MY fault. Did I CHOOSE to be born with size-ten feet and no discernible mammary glands? Is my yield-sign hair some sort of PUNISHMENT by God for spilling red finger paint all over Grandmere when I was four? Was it my DEEPEST desire all along to become the sole heir to the throne of a tiny European principality? I have nothing to chastise myself for except for the fact that the world does not seem to like me.
And my unrealized self-actualization. And my tendency towards throwing up whenever I have to speak to a large group of people, especially when I know them. And my inability to stand up for myself when cheerleaders like Lana Whine-Berger shove their pompoms in my face and laugh at me for wearing a bra when I so obviously do not need one. Do they care that I will someday inherit a European country? Noooo.
See, most people hope for a CAR when they turn sixteen, not a COUNTRY.
Oh, but I quote directly from the MOVIE. Yes, dear readers, a MOVIE. Starring a cheap imitation of myself, a much more confident and self-actualized and beautiful Mia Thermopolis than I will ever make. A MOVIE. WITH ME. AND LILLY. AND GRANDMERE. AND…AND…AND MICHAEL.
God. Why me?
Oh, but that's not the LEAST of it. Not at all. You wonder, how does anyone know about Lilly and Grandmere and MICHAEL? Well, guess what?
I don't live in Brooklyn. I live in Dream-Land.
I'M A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!!!!!!!!!!!
