~Author's Note~
Yo, yo, yo! This is, like, Aardvark123 here, bringing you, like, another fantastic story, penned by my own fair, like, hands. It's my first, like, actual parody, so, um... don't be mean, and... yea. Please, please, please give me lots of, like, reviews, unless you're one of those self-righteous, like, meanies who do, like, Constructive Criticism, in which case GET LOST.
Here's, like, the first chapter. I, like, worked really, like, hard on it, so on with, like, the story!
~Chapter 1: First Chapter! Excited Anime-style Chapter Heading!~
Aureliano Pyracardia was tall and handsome beyond his ten years, a look very much accentuated by his ripped jeans, combat boots, slightly faded band t-shirt and half-open leather jacket, not to mention his spiky black hair streaked with blond and his fast-developing beard. And did I mention the gold-studded belt holding his jeans in place? Let's not forget his yellow-and-black hat, worn backwards, with really cool flying goggles on top. What's more, his eyes were amethyst purple, his skin had a bronzed look rarely seen among Japanese youths, and only a machamp could rival his muscle tone.
In spite of all this, Aureliano could not fathom how he'd been lumbered with Chrissie. This alleged girl, this mud enthusiast, tree climber and constant wearer of dungarees, was as much use to him as a bicycle made of candyfloss. When Professor Elm told him he was to have a female companion on his journey, he'd been expecting either a completely useless fairy-princess type or a romantically frustrated pseudo-tomboy. Either way, he was hoping to make love at least once a night.
In contrast with Aureliano, Chrissie was on top of the world. "Look, Aurie! There's Cherrygrove City!" she cried, pointing to the brightly-coloured houses beginning to rise over the horizon.
"I told you not to call me Aurie!" snapped Aureliano, sending a flying kick at Chrissie. She ducked, which only made Aurie more angry.
"Do you know whose attack you just evaded?!" the boy roared. "I am Aureliano Pyracardia, master of Cynder, who will one day be the most powerful typhlosion in the world, and I his invincible handler. Either you cooperate with me, or-"
"I'll set Chloe on you," Chrissie finished for him. "Have you met my water-type totodile, by the way? She's really powerful already, and I love her!" Being blithely cheerful always got Aureliano's goat, so Chrissie did it as often as she could when Aureliano was around.
"You're a dyke," said the young gary-stu grumpily.
"...What?" asked Chrissie, who had never heard that particular homophobic slur before.
"Just... try to be a girl, all right?" Aureliano sighed.
Chrissie threw a handful of mud at his hair. Aureliano broke down in tears.
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(pronounced "OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo", in a high-pitched and annoying voice)
"Professor, are you sure Aureliano and our daughter are... compatible?" a fairly ordinary chap called Derek enquired of Professor Elm, as he, his wife Annabel, the professor and Aureliano's parents shared a quiet afternoon tea. Marietta and Lysander Pyracardia had been responsible for a great deal of strife and misery in New Bark Town, but they were so convinced of their own brilliance it was hard not to invite them round for tea.
"Well... not really," the professor replied. "But heaven knows, someone's got to get back my chikorita."
"They're both ten," Annabel pointed out. "I mean, pokémon training's all well and good, but what if a really dangerous thief kidnapped Chikorita? What if it was a murderer?!"
"Er... well..." said Professor Elm nervously.
"It doesn't matter," Marietta informed the group, resting her diamond-studded katana on the table. "Aureliano will keep Chrissie safe for sure!"
"It's him I'm worried about, actually," Annabel pointed out.
The atmosphere turned instantly icy, yet also electrified, as if Zekrom and Kyurem had just melded into one terribly powerful nightmare creature.
"I'm sorry, are you implying our son is in any way... not competent?" Lysander enquired, reaching casually for his gold-plated poké-ball, with which he had recently captured Entei.
"Er... no! Not at all!" said Annabel quickly.
Lysander smiled. "Good."
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(I couldn't find the page break thingies, all right?!)
"Well, here we are," Chrissie commented as she and Aureliano came to a halt outside Cherrygrove City's small but well-built pokémon centre.
"At last!" Aureliano declared, immensely relieved. "I can't believe how long I've had mud in my hair. You're paying for my next salon visit."
"In your dreams," Chrissie replied.
"Do you want me to take my belt off?!" Aureliano demanded.
"No thanks," said Chrissie. "Your trousers might fall down, and then your legs will get cold."
Aureliano gave a deep, heartfelt sigh. There was no reasoning with that girl. "Look, we need to rescue Professor Elm's chikorita, and that means working together. It would help if you were nicer to me."
"If I was nicer to you?!" Chrissie cried, unable to believe what she was hearing. "You tried to hit me, and now you want me to pay for you to go to the hairdresser!"
"It is your duty as a female to-"
"Well, well, well! If it isn't two new pokémon trainers sent here to give poor, dear Professor Elm back his beloved chikorita!" a snide, generically evil voice interrupted the two. They looked round in amazement to see a slightly older boy with red hair and dark clothes, leaning casually against a lampost. His eyes, for some reason, were triangular, and glowed bright orange. They didn't really suit a human.
"Um... hi," said Chrissie, slightly afraid of this new arrival, not least because he had a long, vicious-looking whip hanging casually from his pocket. "We're looking for a chikorita. His name's Arthur. Have you seen him?"
"Guess so, seeing as I was the one who stole him," the redheaded boy declared shamelessly. He retrieved a poké-ball from his pocket. "Arthur, you useless lump, some friends're here for you."
The boy casually thumbed the poké-ball's button, releasing a scrawny, dirty chikorita, clearly mistreated and starving. He slumped pitifully on the ground.
"Oh my gosh! You've-!" Chrissie had no words, instead gently scooping Arthur into her arms, then rushing into the pokémon centre to see if the local Joy knew what to do.
"Hey, come back!" the redhead cried, reaching for his whip. "I stole that useless little piece of rhyhorn crap fair and-"
The redheaded boy was cut short by Aureliano grabbing his wrist, almost breaking it in the process. "You shameless cad!"
"Hey! Let go of me!" the redhead protested.
"Oh, gladly!" snapped Aureliano, all but throwing his arm away, sending the boy sprawling. "How dare you steal an innocent chikorita, then be so horrible to her? You do not deserve to be a pokémon trainer. In the name of the pokémon league, I will punish you by defeating you in a battle!" He retrieved a poké-ball of his own. "Cynder, I choose you!"
A bright, fierce young cyndaquil, whose real name was Terry, not that Aureliano cared, burst out of the ball. "Cynda...QUIL!" he cried, his back a raging inferno.
"Now, show me your other pokémon," Aureliano demanded.
"Um... Idonthaveanyotherpokémon," the redhead muttered.
"What was that?" asked Aureliano.
"I don't have any other pokémon, all right?! I stole Arthur by hand!" the redhead snapped.
"...Oh." Aureliano thought for a moment. "Care to borrow one of mine?"
"What, really?! Um... fine," said the redhead, utterly dumbfounded.
"All right, then." Aureliano thought for another moment. "Can you wait here while I go and capture some more?"
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(It's a common mistake. Those horizontal line page breaks can be hard to handle.)
When Chrissie brought Nurse Joy and one of the pokémon centre's chansies over to the redheaded boy, she was both dismayed and not really surprised to see the lack of Aureliano. The evil boy looked completely out of his depth.
"Is this Arthur's trainer, then?" asked Joy.
"Not his trainer. He kidnapped him from Professor Elm," Chrissie replied.
"All right. Hey, you with the red hair! Did you, by any chance, kidnap an innocent young chikorita called Arthur?" the Joy demanded. "It's not that I don't trust you, I just need to make sure," she quietly reassured Chrissie.
"Um... maybe," the redheaded boy replied. "I mean, yes. No! No, I... who's asking?"
"I'm asking," the nurse replied. "Chansey, keep an eye on him, won't you?"
"Chansey chan," the chansey replied brightly, moving behind the redheaded boy and cracking her knuckles right by his ear.
"Keep an... eye on...? I'm actually waiting for someone," the boy said nervously. "He said he'd come back with more pokémon, and... he almost broke my bloody wrist!"
"That'd be Aureliano, then," said Chrissie apologetically.
"Are you sure he's the right kind of company?" Nurse Joy asked worriedly. "In any case, young man, what's your name?"
"Sethlyn Darkblood von Silverheart, if you must know," the boy replied. Chrissie promptly burst out laughing.
"I see. Well, Sethlyn, unless you've been living under a rock for most of your life, you should know that pokémon abuse is a very serious crime. I suggest you come with us, and we'll see if Arthur reacts to your presence," Nurse Joy informed him.
"Er... can't you come back in five minutes?"
"What do you think?"
The four made their way into the pokémon centre.
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(Page breaks can be added to a story in the document editor programme available on this very website. Simply look in the Doc Manager, available from the vertical menu at the side of your profile, and click on any uploaded document to edit it. In the document editor, you will find a toolbar with various buttons, including one with a single horizontal line on it. Click on that button to add a page break to your story.)
"This is outrageous! You have no evidence!" Sethlyn wailed, struggling with little success against the two police officers carrying him off: a female human called Jenny (of course) and a male electabuzz called Keith.
"That chikorita was evidence enough," said Jenny sternly. "As I was saying, you have the right to remain silent-"
"Yo, red-haired boy!" Aureliano called, striding proudly over. Chrissie put her head in her hands, attracting a sympathetic look from Nurse Joy.
"Oh, not him!" Sethlyn cried.
"Can we help you?" Keith asked, and despite actually saying "Electabuzz buzz buzz elec-lecta?", he was understood, because, as we all know, pokémon trainers and any other humans who work frequently with pokémon are instantly able to understand them. Or something. Er... translator microbes? Psychic stuff? I know Aura works, or perhaps they have pokémon language classes in school. I mean the, uh, non-compulsory schools they have in Japan, where, um, most children drop out to become pokémon trainers. Um. I haven't really thought this through, have I? Well, let's just agree that... stuff is understood...
"You can let him down for a start," Aureliano replied. "I found this dratini by the path, incapacitated by a really bad cold, so I assumed destiny had brought us together and I caught her. Her name's Katie."
Nurse Joy was horrified. "You just captured her?!" She marched straight over to Aureliano and retrieved Katie's poké-ball from his belt. "Oh, poor Katie, assuming that's really your name! Chansey, come with me!"
The two veterinarians rushed into the pokémon centre.
"Now, hang on a minute!" Aureliano protested. "That fellow owes me a battle!"
"Sorry to disappoint you, but he's under arrest now," Officer Jenny pointed out.
"Uh... but..." Aureliano blustered. "We were supposed to have a dramatic confrontation, and..."
"It's all right, officers," Chrissie hastily reassured the woman and electabuzz. "Aureliano gets a little bit carried away. He means well, I think..." This was hardly the perfect start to their journey. "Aurie, they'll probably want you to make a statement about Sethlyn and-"
"Who?"
"Sethlyn Darkblood von Silverheart," Chrissie elaborated, gesturing to the redheaded boy. "You'll need to make a statement about what a meanie he is and how he needs the book thrown at him."
"I see," said Aureliano tersely. "Not how I'd do things, but fine..."
(That, gentle reader, is a page break.)
A couple of statements later, it was early evening, and our heroes were returning to the pokémon centre, where Aureliano planned to collect Katie.
"I mean, it's completely unfair!" Aureliano ranted. "I captured Katie fair and square. She belongs to me!"
"You can't talk like that, Aureliano," said Chrissie, now seriously worried about his sanity. "Pokémon aren't property. They're our friends and partners, and you can't capture a sick pokémon. You just can't!"
"Oooohh..." Aureliano seethed, taking a quick look at the grassy bits between suburban houses (Cherrygrove City being nothing but suburbs). There was lots of mud left over from a recent diglett migration. "You'd better hope my hair never gets hard to aim at, Chrissie. Then you'd be in for a pounding."
"Not if I pound you first," Chrissie pointed out. Aureliano was big and strong, sure, but it was she who'd spent most of her time being tough and adventurous in the wilderness.
"Whatever..." Aureliano sighed. "Ah, here we are!"
He kicked the doors open (no mean feat with sliding doors) and marched straight over to the reception desk. "Yo, Joy! I'm here for Katie. Hand her over, chop-chop!"
Chrissie rushed in after him, her fears about a serious incident flooding back.
"Katie? Meaning the poor, innocent dratini you captured while she was too weak to stop you?" Nurse Joy asked, not impressed. "It's good that you brought her here, but if you think I'll give her back to you-"
"Now, hang on a minute! You hardly know me!" Aureliano protested. "I'm a legendary hero of legend, baby. One who is legend, and I'll end your legs if you don't give me my pokémon!"
"End my legs?! Look, do you want to go with Sethlyn? There's plenty of room in the young offenders' centre," Nurse Joy pointed out.
"Well..." A seldom-used part of Aureliano's brain kicked in, reminding him that he was not necessarily the most powerful and important being in the world just yet. "All right, perhaps I may have been slightly... standoffish. Joy, will you take care of Katie for me?"
"Of course, until she's feeling better," Nurse Joy replied. "Now, unless you need anything else, don't let the door hit you on your way out."
"Wouldn't dream of it," said Aureliano primly. "Come on, Chrissie. Let's capture some pokémon this pink-haired bint might approve of."
"Is Arthur all right, then?" Chrissie asked, ignoring Aureliano.
"He's fine," Nurse Joy replied. "Once he's healthy again, I'll bring him back to Professor Elm. He can find a better trainer for him."
"That's wonderful!" Chrissie declared.
Aureliano glared at her. "Chrissie, don't you want to look for wild pokémon with me?"
"Er... not really," Chrissie replied. "I think I'd do fine on my own."
Not even bothering to insult her, Aureliano stormed out. Honestly, this Chrissie... He'd have his work cut out with her.
"I think I'll head to the forest near here," Chrissie informed Nurse Joy, once she was sure Aureliano had gone. "Thank you for everything."
"You're welcome. By the way, are you and Aureliano actually... with each other, or just in the same place for some reason?" asked Nurse Joy.
"I'm not really sure," Chrissie replied. "Now that Arthur's safe, Professor Elm won't need us to work together, so we're not exactly an item."
"I sense a "but" coming," said Chansey perspicaciously.
"Well, I keep thinking I could be a good example for him..." Chrissie admitted. "Then again, I probably can't."
Together, or apart? That was the question Chrissie asked herself as she and Chloe wandered through the forest around Cherrygrove City. Aureliano was selfish and arrogant, and saw Chrissie more as decoration than as a friend, but he was... actually, why was she even thinking this? That self-centred, tripe-brained, cauliflower-intestined, titanium-hearted plonker didn't deserve her one bit!
"Come on, Chloe! Let's have lots of wonderful adventures!" declared Chrissie, the cheer of a newfound epiphany flooding through her.
"Oh, yes! Do let's!" Chloe agreed. "I mean, that is our prerogative. Adventures are hardly thin on the ground for pokémon trainers, hence why we pokémon are so glad to stick with them. Not to mention the food, and plenty of battles, through which we grow and develop."
"Well... that's nicely explained," said Chrissie, thrown slightly off her stride. "In any case, we're off!"
~Ending Note~
I have a plan for this story: serious author's notes at the end of each chapter, and parodical notes at the beginning. (As a general rule, if I say "like" all the time, I'm not being serious.) Aureliano and Chrissie's Legendary Johto Quest Adventure will be updated on a regularly irregular basis; my main focus is still Blake, Whitney and P.L.A.S.M.A: A Thousand Shades of Grey, but I will continue to work on both.
This here story will be a parody of many Pokémon-related things: the animé, bad fanfiction, bad parodies, good fanfiction, good parodies, the games, the manga, and possibly even the trading cards. I will occasionally just write funny stuff without bothering to parody anything, but rest assured that I intend to do my best to make this feast of literary delight go down in history.
The comment in the author's note at the start, referring to self-righteous meanies, was a joke. I happen to think constructive criticism is among the most helpful things anyone can give a writer. The "0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0" improvised page break has its charms, but can be somewhat annoying.
