I DO NOT OWN AGENTS OF SHIELD
Forgiveness is a Two Way Street
By: thrillerartist
Dear Team,
If you're reading this, then I am gone. SHIELD isn't a home for me anymore, and nothing will ever be the same again. Thank you for forgiving me of everything I've done, but honestly, I don't deserve any it. I betrayed the team. I betrayed SHIELD, and lost your trust, something I've worked so hard to earn.
I'm leaving. Please, don't look for me. Please, don't worry about me. I don't deserve your worry or your forgiveness or your pity. This is all to protect you. Everyone I have ever gotten close to, anyone who has ever tried to protect me, has ended up dead or damaged beyond repair. I can't let that happen to anyone I care about anymore.
In the end, the only person that can get hurt from me leaving, is me. I'm sorry for doing this to you, but you have to understand, you didn't do anything. I'm the one who decided to help Hive, so I'm the one who needs to pay the price.
Please don't come looking for me. I won't be found unless I want to be.
I'm sorry.
-Daisy
That was the note I left my team a month ago.
A month ago, I ran away from the only place I could ever call home.
A month ago, I chose to make the hard call. I chose to run away. To protect them. Everyone I have ever gotten close to has ended up dead. It happened to those SHIELD agents in China, and to the villagers who to protect me from my maniac father. It happened to my friend Trip, who followed me down to that Kree temple to try and save me. It happened to Lash-Andrew-who died freeing me from the sway of Hive. It happened to Lincoln, who got on that quinjet so that I wouldn't. My birth parents were permanently damaged after I disappeared. My mother was tortured by Whitehall, broken beyond repair to the point of her becoming psychopathic. My father lost himself trying to find my mother and I, experimenting on himself until he became the personification of Mr. Hyde. And let's not forget about what I did to Mack when I was high on Hive's sway.
I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't look at the faces of my teammates, my family, and not be reminded of what I did. Choking Fitz, almost killing Mack, framing Lincoln…
It was all too much to bear.
My team tried to help me get through it, but I didn't want it. But then thanks to the help of my friends, I was able to remember why Lincoln died.
So that I would live.
But I wasn't living, and I still had a promise to keep to an old friend. I tried to make SHIELD my home again, but everywhere I looked, I saw the memories of what I did. It wasn't an easy decision to make. But it had to be done.
I needed to be the shield at that moment. The shield for my friends. To protect them from the curse that's plagued me all my life.
I left.
I ran away, and I've been off the grid ever since. I have no phone, no computer (which, being a hacker, really sucks for me), nothing that SHIELD can use to trace me. I hide in cities most of the time, trying to blend into the crowd. I swipe clothes from second-hand store trucks, so that they can't be traced.
Finally, I've stopped using my powers. SHIELD can track me by monitoring seismic activity throughout the country. If I use my powers, I might as well be saying, Here I am! Come and get me!
It's not that I don't want to go home-It's that I can't. I can't live with the things that I've done. The blood I've spilled.
It's better for everyone if I just stay away.
I jump trains when I want to get somewhere. Right now, I'm prowling through the streets of Boston, in the middle of winter, just trying to get things to make sense again. Which is pretty close to impossible. I had a demonic Inhuman parasite in my head, and I was addicted to its presence. Nothing will ever make sense for me again.
I try to steer clear of traffic cameras and ATMs, but when it can't be helped, I just pull my hat down and my hood up. It being the middle of the Massachusetts winter, nobody neither notices nor cares. Most of the time, I hardly know where I'm going. I'm too lost in my depression to care.
If I saw my past selves, I wouldn't see the person I am inside them.
Skye was a naive, homeless hacker.
Daisy was a fool for thinking that the inhumans could be gathered to create the Secret Warriors Initiative. To make a "place where they were needed". I don't even know what to call myself these days. Daisy was the name of a hero. A name I no longer deserve to be called, because I am no longer the hero I thought I was.
I suspect I have become a monster.
Suddenly, there's a familiar twinge in my gut. As much as I try to forget my SHIELD training, my body doesn't. What I'm feeling right now is the sensation of being tailed. And so, I do the only thing that makes sense at the moment. I stop walking.
"Daisy." A familiar voice calls.
It's Coulson.
I start walking again, away from the man who had become my father.
"Daisy, I know that's you." He calls again. "I know you can hear me." I hear footsteps run to catch up to me. I tense up. Coulson is just a few paces behind me.
"Don't come any closer." I say coldly.
"Daisy", Coulson says. I can hear the relief in his voice. I turn around to face him, keeping my head down.
"I told you not to come looking." I say.
"Daisy," Coulson says, desperation in his voice. "You need to come back to SHIELD. The Inhumans need you. We need you."
I laugh harshly. "No", I say. "You don't. You need someone you can trust." I turn around and continue walking.
"The Daisy I knew wouldn't abandon SHIELD!" Coulson shouts. The words clench my heart, filling me with sorrow and guilt and anger. They were the same words Lincoln had said to me when I betrayed the team for Hive.
I turn around again, slowly, and look Coulson in the eye. "The Daisy you knew," I say slowly, coldly. "Died the day Hive infected her. Now, all that's left is a body that gives off little tremors and quakes."
"No", Coulson says gently, walking towards me. "She's still here. She's just a little lost. She needs help."
"I think we both know I'm too far gone for helping." I say quietly.
We're face to face now. Coulson puts a hand on my shoulder. "Daisy-"
"No!" I shout, pushing his hand away. I can't accept his comfort. He should just kill me. He shouldn't be here to try and take me back. He should be glad I'm gone. He should hate me.
But he doesn't. And he's a fool for not doing so.
"You don't get it!" I shout again. This is the loudest I've talked in a month. I feel my eyes welling up with tears. "You don't get it! You don't know! You don't get to act like you know what I'm going through! I'm a freak! A traitor! A murderer! I sided with a madman over my of team! My own family!" I feel tears fall down my cheeks even though I try to keep them in.
Coulson is quiet for a while. He doesn't make another attempt to touch me, which I'm grateful for. But he does talk. "That wasn't your fault." He says gently.
"But it still happened." I say, the tears drying up. "And the team will never look at me the same way again. I'll never be the same again."
Coulson puts another hand on my shoulder, and I pull away quickly. "Don't touch me!" I yell.
"Daisy", Coulson halfway begs. "Come home." The desperation in Coulson's eyes breaks my heart even more. After all the things I've done, those horrible, horrible things, he still wants me to be a part of his team. To be a part of SHIELD. But I know that that can never happen because of what I did.
"I can't", I whimper. "I'm sorry." And I turn to walk away again.
"Daisy", Coulson calls after me. "I'm here to take you back."
So he didn't come here just to try and talk me into going back, but to forcefully bring me back to SHIELD if I refused.
"I'm not going back." I say, and keep walking.
"Don't make me ICE you, Daisy", Coulson warns. That stops me dead in my tracks. He was willing to bring me back by any means necessary. He must be pretty desperate.
He just doesn't know how desperate I am to stay away.
"Daisy, either you turn around and come willingly, or I have no choice but to ICE you, and I honestly don't want to do that." Coulson warns me again. I continue walking. And then I start running.
"Daisy!" He yells, and runs after me.
I haven't used my powers since the day I left SHIELD. I don't want to draw attention to myself, but I have no other choice. I have to protect my friends from the demon I have become. Besides, I won't be in this city when the sun comes up, so it won't make any difference if I use my powers or not.
I pull my hands out of my pockets and gather up my energy, getting ready for a full blast. In theory, this should work, but it's the first time I've ever attempted it, so I very well could end up being a stain on the pavement. Or I could bring down every building on the block. Or I could shatter both my arms, making things easy for Coulson, who would drag my broken frame back to SHIELD.
"Daisy, don't you-!" Coulson shouts.
I launch myself up off the pavement, and arc my body midair to land-feet first-on the rooftop of a dingy apartment complex. I look down, and I see Coulson staring at me, and then see him point his ICER and fire. He was actually going to shoot me!
But the shots don't come anywhere close to me. I must be out of range.
"Damnit, Daisy!" Coulson shouts. "We forgive you! Damnit, we forgive you! Just come home!"
Don't do that, I think. Don't forgive me. I don't deserve it. No matter how many times you forgive me, I'll never be able to accept it. Because I'll never be able to forgive myself.
And then I turn and run away. Run away from my family. Run away from everything I did.
Sometimes, I think running is the only thing I know how to do right.
